NBC Weekly Sermons

1.3 - Forgiveness / Trust

Forgiveness and trust are foundational for a healthy marriage. As trouble enters a marriage, it may appear that those foundations are eroding. It is important to have a proper understanding of these two words, as well as establish appropriate verbiage to communicate concerns.

1.4 -Reversing Negative Conversation Momentum

Isaac Newton’s first law of motion states that “an object will not change its motion unless a force acts on it.” The same is true in conversations with the momentum in either a negative or positive direction. Without intentional and active change, a conversation with negative momentum will continue to become more and more negative. In this training we describe a technique to stop the negative momentum and change the direction to one more positive.

1.5 -

If we pay attention it is possible to determine if our mind or our emotions are in charge of us during a conversation. When emotions, and more specifically negative emotions, are driving our words the brain is typically out to lunch. When the mind is in control we “respond” in a rational manner. When emotions are in control, we often “react” in a harmful “knee-jerk” manner. The ideas presented here are designed to help you catch yourself reacting, and provide a tool to return to healthy responding.

1.6 -

Long term marriages “breath”. Healthy marriages “breath-in” (connect) by spending time together, and “breath-out” (distance) by spending time apart. The connecting times are not simply being in the same place at the same time, but rather are times of engaging with each other. Likewise, the

distancing times are not simply time apart, but rather intentionally doing something that is “life-giving” but is best done apart from each other.

2.1 -Friendship Communication

Remember when you were first dating your spouse? Conversations just flourished, time flew by, and agenda was unnecessary. The goal, whether stated or not, was simply to get to know the other person.

But today we seem to only find time to “cover urgent business” (e.g. schedules, bills, kids, etc.) or to fight. Regular agenda-free friendship conversation is the heartbeat of a great marriage.

2.2 -Simple Miscommunication

It seems like we seldom understand what each other is saying. Rather than pause and verify correct understanding, we tend to simply repeat what we said previously. When both of us get stuck in this cycle, understanding goes nowhere and both of us become preoccupied with being understood.

2.3 -Negative Assumptions

It often appears easy and efficient to anticipate what your spouse is about to say. There are two problems with this: (1) our assumption might be incorrect, and (2) this approach means we think we don’t have to listen to our spouse because we already know what they are going to say. Both of these problems can result in unsuccessful and damaging conversations.

2.4 -Gender Differences

Moderate feminism asserts that men and women are equal. This is true. Radical feminism says that men and women are identical. That is untrue. Although exceptions exist in any generality, it is worthwhile to investigate common male/female differences and the resultant communication struggles.

2.5 -Head/Heart Mismatch

A basic tenant of effective communication is that both individuals speak the same language. If the two people do not share a common language, an interpreter is required to be in the middle. A marriage counselor may periodically act as an interpreter but using a common language is the only long term solution.

3.1 -Balance vs. Focus

My life seems to consist of mentally and physically running from one urgent task to the next. I feel I am

always “running on empty”. I know I need to take time for physical, emotional, and spiritual“self-care”, but I seldom find the time. The “urgent” always seems to deflect me from getting to the “important”. In many ways, I feel that life is controlling me, rather than me controlling my life.