01.17.2023        09:45

I woke up depressed.  In the early hours of the day, I was listening to a podcast, drinking coffee on my reading chair.  It was a discussion of Silence of the Lambs, focusing on the Hannibal character. The statement of the adage you are an aggregate of the five people you spend the most time with came up and it made me realize that I don’t spend any significant time with five people.  I see the band for about 2 hours a week; I see the guys at the gym for a couple of hours a night and that’s about it.  On the weekends, I can easily see no one aside from random people here and there. 

 

I am so lonely, like I can’t even explain.  The emptiness of my life is overwhelming.  There is only this black void that I feel like I’m about to fall into that supersedes everything in my life; all of my responsibilities, my hopes, my dreams, everything is meaningless because there are no people in my life.  I talk to my mom every day but there isn’t very much fulfillment out of our conversations.  I can’t really express myself to her in a real way.  That’s not what she’s looking for, she just wants to hear a voice on the other end.

 

It’s hard to go on.