New Rankings with Teddy!

Apologies for the three-week delay in content, Teddy regrets.......... nothing! Because he was off getting married! And from now on, every episode of the show will be marriage-themed! In this podcast, Teddy and his new wife Courtney rank their top seven pieces of marriage advice, since now that they have been married two weeks, they are cool experts in the ways of love. Discussion topics include: healthy fighting rituals, peeing with the door open, surprisingly wise dentists, and peeing at Versailles.

"The podcast... is coming... from inside the phone." In this episode, Teddy welcomes Kevin Best, host of the "Sequel Rewrite" podcast, back onto New Rankings, as they count down the top seven movies that most freaked them out as fifth graders at sleepovers. Discussion topics include: creepy copypastas, the Mandela Effect, the odd similarities between "The Blair Witch Project" and "Austin Powers," and horror's unlikeliest gay icon... the Babadook.

NOTE: Sometime as we were recording this episode, it seems that a Poltergeist got inside our mic! We apologize for the mild crackling that recurs throughout the episode, but we hope it only adds to your own personal sense of Halloween dread...

"They did the draft... they did the monster draft!" In this Halloween spooktacular, the Steinkiller sibs assemble at the witching hour to prick their thumbs and pick the scariest, silliest monster squads. Memorable debates from the episode include: "Does a 'magical serial killer' qualify as a monster?" "Is Teddy just mansplaining the concept of monsters?" And "Wait, why the hell did Emma draft ____ with her number one overall pick?!" Also, social media ghouls, we need you for this one! Choose your favorite monster squad by hashtagging #TeamKit, #TeamTeddy, or #TeamEmma on Twitter @newrankings, or on the Facebook page "New Rankings with Teddy." Happy haunting!

In Part 2 of this very special New Rankings, Teddy and Bill Steinkellner, aka "the co-executive producer of 'Emeril,'" aka "Dad," finish their light-hearted romp through the top 10 funniest sitcom characters ever. Questions answered on this episode include: "Which sitcom star inspired Bill to abandon Catholicism and pursue a life in comedy?" "What iconic character's offspring was actually inspired by Teddy in fetal form?" And "Wait, why does Julia Louis-Dreyfus refer to Teddy solely as 'Coach Teddy?'"(Note: this episode was recorded before JLD revealed her recent breast cancer diagnosis. Huge shoutout to her as she copes, and New Rankings wholeheartedly endorses her powerful healthcare message!)

Hey Rank & File! Starting this week, we're trying something new. As you know, some of our episodes -- like a bad "Will & Grace" from 2002 -- tend to get a bit super-sized. Yet we don't want you to get overwhelmed week-to-week and miss out on any of this hot, hot content! So beginning now, we'll be chopping up some of our lengthier episodes into two-parters and releasing them in back-to-back weeks. Rank you very much.

In Part 1 of this very special episode, Teddy welcomes back his father, Emmy award-winner and candy-loving crank Bill Steinkellner, for a discussion of the top ten funniest sitcom characters ever to slip on a banana peel and straight into our hearts. Questions from this first half of the ranking include: How has Larry David stayed so funny despite being so rich? Who are TV's best examples of the "well-meaning idiot who everyone hates" archetype? And goggles: do they do something, or do they do nothing?

This episode of New Rankings finally answers the age-old question: can a Millennial and a nonagenarian become the best of friends? Teddy's guest is literary luminary (and 94-year old!) Fred Klein, former executive editor of Bantam Books and host of the popular Santa Barbara TV show, "Literary Gumbo." In a wide-ranging conversation, Ted and Fred discuss the thriller genre, ranking their top seven favorites from such masters of the craft as Patricia Highsmith, Stephen King, and John le Carré. Then suddenly, in a plot twist worthy of Agatha Christie, there is an unexpected phone call at the end of the episode, and it changes absolutely everything...

Yes, it's officially fall: the kids are back in school, the apples are ripe for the picking, and all of the new TV shows are complete and utter garbage. Luckily, Teddy and Kit are here to help you out with that last one. In this episode, the self-important Steinkellner sibs rank their top seven criminally underseen television shows, ranging from foreign favorites (Fauda, Borgen) to tween treasures (Jane by Design, Veronica Mars) to controversial reality programs about children living in an abandoned town and learning important lessons from an old pioneer journal (Kid Nation). Finally, do not make a drinking game out of this episode, and if you do, definitely do not take a shot every time Kit proclaims her genuine enthusiasm for the upcoming CBS sitcom Young Sheldon. Please listen responsibly.

Y is this the most dramatic New Rankings yet? O, U will C... In this episode, Teddy is joined by his friends, improvisers Max Sosna-Spear and James Mannion, for a topical twist on a standard ranking -- it's a fantasy draft! Only instead of picking football players for pretend points and imaginary teams, the boys are up to something even stupider: they're drafting letters of the alphabet. Hot debate topics include: Is J the coolest letter or the most overrated? What is the best comedy letter -- D, P, or V? And is H the lamest letter ever or not? (JK, there's no debate on that one, everyone agrees that H categorically sucks.)

"Let us... entertain you..." In this episode, Teddy is joined by his Mama Rose, Tony-nominated writer Cheri Steinkellner, and his Baby June, little sister Emma, as they rank the top ten Broadway musicals ever belted, from "Sweeney" to "Seussical." Along the way, they share some personal anecdotes, such as the night Young Emma upstaged Gigi Hadid in "Little Shop of Horrors" (much to Yolanda Foster's chagrin), or the time Young Cheri closed her eyes while listening to an LP of "The Pajama Game" and imagined that she had friends. To paraphrase Daddy Warbucks' entire household staff, "We know you're gonna like *this episode*............. welcome!"

What is the best shape? The coolest fictional world? The nicest way to end a relationship? The sexiest Pokemon? Sure, such questions might not warrant a full episode of New Rankings on their own, but they are crucial, contentious issues all the same. Ergo... the mailbag! In this episode, Teddy, Courtney, and Emma select their favorite listener-suggested mini-rankings, and nearly end their friendship in the process of arguing such debates as: Are smoothies just milkshakes? Is it pedophilic to be attracted to Charmander? And, most importantly, do circles suck?