No Chill Enneagram: Watch Party

You guys! We’re getting paid to do this!

This week, thanks to Lifeway.com, we spend a bonus episode typing bible translations. The NIV! ESV! CSB! NKJV! KJV! All of these are assigned to enneagram types! Just like God intended!

PLUS: Bethany has an extremely awkward neighborly encounter! Richard tells a story about hiding in the bathroom!

Lifeway.com has a bunch of awesome Bible translations and is always running great sales on Bible editions. In fact, at Lifeway.com all CSB Study Bibles are 50% off until October 29th, and all Study Bibles are 36% off through the end of the year! That’s a lot of percents!

You should probably get yourself a Bible to match your type.

This week, we welcome Barnabas Piper. We call him Barn, but you may not, sir. He prefers to go by "John Piper’s son."

Barnabas has a dillema. He's not sure if he's an enthusiast or a challenger. Meanwhile all of his friends and family members are like "seriously??" giving each other the side eye with their arms crossed, tapping their feet like sonic the hedgehog, because they all TOTALLY know.

Anyway, we pull the blinders from his eyes and show him the truth. What is it? Tune in to find out.

ALSO: We type denominations!

PLUS: We get to the bottom of the age old No Chill Enneagram question - why is our audience mostly ladies? What's the deal with that? Am i right, BROS?

AND: You know those friends who just HATE the enneagram? We show you how to type them against their will with a list of ways each type rejects the gram.

AND OF COURSE BECAUSE WE HAD TO: We type John Piper, Barnabas' dad, finally and definitively. We officially know him better than he knows himself, probably.

Listen to Barn's podcast, The Happy Rant, and follow him on Twitter: @BarnabasPiper

This week’s guests need no introduction, except that they do because until now they’ve been ANONYMOUS. This week we’re unmasking the brilliant minds behind The Enneadog, everyone’s favorite Enneagram meme factory.

We find out how their insane experiment got its start, how it helps keep them sane in the midst of being barraged by Totally Legit But Still Hurtful Criticism of their work, and of course we talk about dogs.

Oh, and we force them to explain how in the world they got EnneaQueen Susanne Stabille to follow them, AND reply to their tweets and can they put in a good word for us please etc??

ALSO A SPECIAL SERVICE: We tell each number what kind of dog they need.

FINALLY: The best internet gifs, TYPED! It’s the thing you didn’t know you wanted, but it exists now and you do want it, it turns out.

Follow the Enneadog Twitter account at @enneadog (duh).

It's the long-awaited 5 episode! This week, we welcome our special very guest, Shannon Whitehead. She Works In Content. You probably wouldn't understand.

Shannon is a 5, so we force her to hand over the reigns of her life to us, so we can make some decisions for her that she's been putting off.

BUT DID YOU KNOW: that Shannon is a crime documentary buff? We put her expertise to good use and recommend a crime documentary for Every Number! Even 6s, but that's just a thought exercise because 6s SHOULD NEVER WATCH A CRIME DOCUMENTARY OK.

ALSO: We determine how every number would get away with doing crimes. SO DARK!

There's so much more, but we don't want to pressure you. Think long and hard about whether it's a good idea to press play.

Take your time.

We'll wait.

We're taking a break. See you next week!

AND: That's it.

ALSO: Bye.

PLUS: The end.

This week, Richard and Bethany welcome their family to the podcast to discuss the ways their enneagram obsession has impacted the lives of those closest to them. There’s nothing bad about their obsession at all! Everyone just loves it without any qualms or rolling eyes!! Even Bethany’s psychologist dad just can’t get enough of that good old enneagram wisdom!

(jk her dad hates what the enneagram has done to his family, but he still hate-listens to our podcast EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK. What the heck dad??)

Step right up and take a listen for: A DOG. A TODDLER. A MOM. A BROTHER’S TELLING ABSENCE. A WIFE. A FATHER WITH A RADIO VOICE.

SO MANY SEGMENTS: How bad has it gotten! Safety tips for every number! Life advice from an ACTUAL professional!

This week, we welcome Writer of Stuff

Laura Turner (my mom pronounces it "Laura Turnah", probably) to the show to talk about why 3s don't get "performance anxiety" and how motherhood can be a giant enneagram 3 buzzkill.

(Don't worry, she's very happy and loves her baby, chill ok)

AND WHOAH THIS TOO: We're all going to die, in 1 of 9 ways. What way will YOU die? We tell every number the answer to that overly broad and morbid question.

ALSO: The moment you've all been waiting for unless you haven't - we type Harry Potter characters!

AND ALSO FEATURING: Richard's favorite enneagram slang yet. Bethany will learn to love it.

Follow Laura on twitter, where she is pretty good at tweeting: @lkoturner

Did you see the white smoke? The earth tilt on its axis? The double rainbow? All sure signs that two forces have collided, merged, and become one insurmountable force, capable of dominating the enneagram podcast space for at least one week (and that's about it really).

This week, the hosts of the Enneacast, Jesse Eubanks and Sam Stevenson join Richard and Bethany in theory to commiserate about how crazy collaboration between numbers can be. In reality, they help out with a little co-collaborator counseling. Bethany and Richard are doing much better now, thanks.

PLUS: How many of the Enneacast's "Ten Rules for the Enneagram" have Bethany and Richard broken? The answer will not shock you!

AND AND AND: Circles with stuff in them are related to the occult, every time. We discuss what that means for clocks, and people wearing pants with buttons. It's trouble, I tell ya.

This week, fours find redemption and enact revenge. It's a dramatic episode of twists in turns. Writer, mother, and Ennienum 4 Alia Joy helps us think through the pros and cons of FEELS and comiserates with Richard about the precarious blessing of oversharing.

AND: In a feel-good segment, we consider which childhood wound we might give our children!!

FURTHERMORE: We type The Office Characters!

Alia's EXTREMELY FOUR book is available here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0801093341/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_awdb_t1_x_A1-CBbY5ZKHWE

IN ADDITION TO: We offer parenting advice for literally every number ever devised by enneagram scribes!

PROGRAMMING NOTE: Dear enneafam, we will not have an episode for you next week, because Richard is going to the beach, but check the Instagram (@NoChillEnneagram) for pictures of Richard having fun without you.

This week we brought back our inaugural guest D.L. Mayfield (or Danielle for those who have no personal boundaries and want to call her by her informal name) on the show to speculate wildly about the inner workings of everyone’s favorite Public Broadcasting Service Superstar. It’s not a regular show, but we just needed a little bit of a break, so we nerded out about this for a while and are now offering it to you in the hopes that you’ll find it FASCINATING. I know we did.

If you’ve seen the documentary, you’ll be right at home here, but even if you haven’t you probably know and love Mr. Rogers, and if not, YOU MONSTER PLEASE DON’T LISTEN TO OUR PODCAST.

ALSO: That’s it. That’s all we did. Except the part where Danielle gives us an update on the feedback she received for ranking the enneagram numbers. Danielle, we can't believe you did that, what a terrible idea, gosh.

PLUS: Nothing else. Sorry. See you next week!

BTW: the song in the background in the middle of the show is called Turbo Giant by someone called Wankers United, which is of course just hilarious to us.