Nonfiction4Life

SUMMARY

Dr. Leonard Sax, a premier child psychologist, peels back the veneer of successful families in his latest bestseller The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups. Originally intending to contrast American parents with those outside the U.S., Sax explains how and why bonds across generations have been broken. Today, American parents are confused about their role, resulting in status insecurity.

Having traveled and lectured frequently throughout Germany, Scotland, German-speaking Switzerland, and New Zealand, Dr. Sax extols the virtues of these foreign countries where the culture still supports strong families and parent-child bonds. American kids used to spend their weekends hanging out with grownups, being mentored, and learning values and skills. Now, they are now much less creative than they were 20 years ago and far more likely to be diagnosed with mental illness such as ADHD, anxiety, and depression.

Dr. Sax sends a clarion call to parents to renew their relationship with their children by asserting themselves as authority figures. He gives us a vision for how to better prepare our children to thrive. Parenting, after all, is for teaching children what matters not only now but in the future.

PARENTING IDEAS FOR BUILDING STRONG FAMILIES

• Having family dinners together
• Limiting social media and access to devices, especially in the car and in the bedroom
• Spending time together
• Helping kids connect with more adults
• Controlling the number of extracurricular activities
• Vacationing as a family without friends
• Teaching humility by showing interest in other people
• Assigning chores to children
• Installing parental monitoring apps
• Talking and listening
• Prioritizing character over grades

QUOTES FROM SAX

• “The job of the parent is to teach self-control. To explain what is and is not acceptable. To establish boundaries and enforce consequences.”
• “Kids need to value their parents’ opinion as their first scale of value, at least throughout childhood and adolescence.”
• “There is one inescapable truth: you must teach by example…To become a better parent, you must become a better person.”

BUY The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups

RECOMMENDATIONS

Watch Andy Griffith episode “Opie, the Birdman”

BUY Gidget: The Complete Series

Read or watch To Kill a Mockingbird
BUY To Kill a Mockingbird (Harperperennial Modern Classics)
BUY To Kill a Mockingbird 50th Anniversary Edition

OTHER BOOKS BY DR. LEONARD SAX

BUY Girls on the Edge: The Four Factors Driving the New Crisis for Girls--Sexual Identity, the Cyberbubble, Obsessions, Environmental Toxins

BUY Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men

BUY Why Gender Matters, Second Edition: What Parents and Teachers Need to Know About the Emerging Science of Sex Differences

Send your parenting questions directly to Dr. Sax on his website.

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SUMMARY

In her newest book, The Good Fight: Use Productive Conflict to Get Your Team and Your Organization Back on Track, Liane Davey explodes the myth that “conflict” is a bad word or something to be avoided. She boldly claims, "Organizations require conflict." Without it, stagnation and resentment settle into the cracks of an original issue, making it hard to move forward. Even though conflict aversion seems to be baked into how we’re socialized, we can learn strategies for “fighting” in a productive, healthy way.

KEY POINTS

• Instead of "the good fight," conflict is translated into passive aggression.
• Societal messages teach us we should avoid conflict: “Mind your own business. Don’t upset her. Stay out of trouble. Bullying is bad. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
• Conflict tends to be the least costly way of working through issues.
• Conflict debt: the sum of all the contentious issues that need to be addressed to be able to move forward but instead remain undiscussed and unresolved
• A wide predictor of the success of teams is how many women are on the team.
• Three-step strategy for managing conflict: validate; ask question(s); pivot 

QUOTES FROM DAVEY

• “At its essence, conflict is just the struggle between opposing wants, needs, and demands.”
• “Conflict isn't bad for organizations; it's fundamental to them."
• “Don’t measure the health of your relationship based on whether you have conflict or not. Instead, pay attention to the quality of the conflict.”
• “The longer you leave the original problem unresolved, the more interest you pay.”

BUY The Good Fight: Use Productive Conflict to Get Your Team and Organization Back on Track

RECOMMENDATION

Find “new approaches for resolving conflicts, creating new common ground, and achieving greater levels of intimacy” in Dr. John Gottman’s New York Times bestseller.

BUY The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

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SUMMARY

Craig Borlase, a New York Times and international bestselling author of more than 60 books, co-authors the unexpected worldwide bestselling memoir, "Finding Gobi: The Little Dog with a Very Big Heart."

This true story features co-author and ultramarathoner Dion Leonard who crosses paths with a stray dog while racing 150 miles across the Gobi Desert in China. The dog he later names “Gobi” unexpectedly runs for miles alongside him in the scorching hot desert. Gobi’s instant loyalty and love win over Leonard, a hardened Aussie man, and eventually turns him into a tender-hearted advocate for dog adoption.

Co-author Borlase, a prolific and renowned memoirist, specializes in crafting dramatic, engaging stories and has collaborated with a wide range of people all over the world. Some of these include a two-time Grammy-winning songwriter, an Iranian refugee who spent four months in a Turkish jail, a female transatlantic rower, a World War II veteran, and a former Muslim woman who was one week away from becoming a suicide bomber.

Leonard praises Borlase’s attention to detail that turns a simple memory into something that makes us feel we were there. “Craig turned words into gold.”

QUOTE FROM BORLASE

• “What makes a good story? Courage. A willingness to face pain, not hide. Saying 'yes' to all that's good in life. When you start here, the writing takes care of itself.”

BUY Finding Gobi: A Little Dog with a Very Big Heart
OR

BUY Finding Gobi: Young Reader's Edition: The True Story of One Little Dog's Big Journey

RECOMMENDATIONS

BUY Stranger No More: A Muslim Refugee’s Story of Harrowing Escape, Miraculous Rescue, and the Quiet Call of Jesus

BUY Becoming Mama: How I Found Hope in Haiti's Rubble

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SUMMARY

Bilha Chesner Fish, M.D., an Israeli-American immigrant and distinguished radiologist, shares her new book, Invincible Women. Based on personal "Conversations with 21 Inspiring and Successful American Immigrants," Invincible Women is a collection of stories illustrating the grit, willpower, and conviction of women fighting to achieve the American dream. Dr. Fish manages to interview immigrant women of all stripes: artists, doctors, fashion designers, authors, lawyers, teachers, engineers, business executives, chefs, scientists, philanthropists, entrepreneurs, and even an opera singer. Each tells her struggles and triumphs while taking risks and struggling to assimilate into a new country. All the while, the common thread among them is giving back.

Dr. Fish, a longtime advocate for community service and women’s empowerment, honors and celebrates these women through the careful reconstruction of her interviews. The book Invincible Women is especially critical and this moment in America's history when immigrants are often mistreated, misunderstood, and undervalued. The stories align with Dr. Fish's own commitment to stand up to hate, racism, and fear born of misinformation.

QUOTES FROM THE WOMEN 

• "This country is huge; you can have millions of immigrants and still the country would be half empty, and still there will be space for everybody." ~Isabel Allende, Chilean-American New York Times best-selling author and advocate for the rights of women and girls
• "When I came here, I stayed with a friend of a friend that I had never met...But it was just us; we knew no one. We had no 'Vitamin P' as we say in Israel, meaning P for protection or help." ~Einav Gefen, Israeli-American chef and food services executive
• “In my mind, a successful immigrant is one who takes things from her culture that are useful and powerful and meaningful to her. But she also looks at the world that she is inhabiting and she uses what’s there.” ~Chitra Divakaruni, Indian-American author and women’s rights defender
• " I think this is tied to the business of the immigrant experience. I think it is so important that I bring something different to the American culture." ~Mi Jong Lee, Korean-American clothing designer and businesswoman
• “By voting, by acting, I feel like a true American immigrant.” ~Hung Liu, Chinese-American painter
• "America is the country that has always been proud to be a country of immigrants." ~Jacqueline Murekatete, Rwandan-American attorney and human rights leader

BUY Invincible Women: Conversations with 21 Inspiring and Successful American Immigrants

RECOMMENDATIONS

BUY The Newcomers: Finding Refuge, Friendship, and Hope in an American Classroom

Listen to the podcast: https://www.nonfiction4life.com/newcomers-helen-thorpe/

BUY Spare Parts: Four Undocumented Teenagers, One Ugly Robot, and the Battle for the American Dream

Listen to the podcast: https://www.nonfiction4life.com/117-spare-parts-joshua-davis/

BUY Enrique’s Journey: The Story of a Boy’s Dangerous Odyssey to Reunite with His Mother

Listen to the podcast: https://www.nonfiction4life.com/119-enriques-journey-sonia-nazario/ 

BUY Wish You Happy Forever: What China’s Orphans Taught Me About Moving Mountains

Listen to the podcast: https://www.nonfiction4life.com/wish-you-happy-forever/

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SUMMARY

Whitney Johnson, named one of 50 leading business thinkers in the world, shares her groundbreaking work in Disrupt Yourself: Master Relentless Change and Speed Up Your Learning Curve. With a new introduction, the book is endorsed by business heavy-hitters such as Eric Ries, Clayton Christensen, Liz Wiseman, Adam Grant, Steve Wozniak, Susan Cain, and Tom Peters.

Aware that all companies--large and small--need high-growth individuals to implement high-growth plans, Johnson helps us apply the theory of disruptive innovation to our own path. Specifically, understanding how to master the S-curves in our lives will propel us upward as we move forward in time. In other words, when we disrupt ourselves, we jump, learn, leap, and repeat! Johnson warns, "If you don't disrupt when you feel you are called to do so, you'll die inside just a little. There's even a name for it: the innovator's dilemma. Whether you innovate or not, you risk downward mobility."

KEY POINTS

• Consider jumping to a new S-curve if you can’t “carry your dreams to work.” (Functional and emotional jobs both need to get done.)
• Focus on market risks rather than on competitive risks. (“Play where no one else is playing.”)
• Motivate yourself to jump to a new S-curve by asking, “What are the bad things could happen if I don’t disrupt myself?”
• Other points: play to your distinctive strengths; embrace constraints; battle entitlement (“the innovation killer”); step down, back, or sideways to grow.

QUOTES FROM JOHNSON

• "The whole point of disruption is to move up the y-axis of success...over the x-axis of time."
• “The fundamental unit of disruption is always the individual."
• "When you're being disruptive, the best possible start-up scenario is to be dismissed, even ignored.
• "A distinctive strength is something that you do well that others within your sphere don't."
• "When we believe we are owed something by life...we get caught in a vortex of narcissism that makes personal disruption impossible."
• "Every constraint, whether physical or mental, external or internal, can be a catalyst for moving up our learning curve."

BUY Disrupt Yourself, With a New Introduction: Master Relentless Change and Speed Up Your Learning Curve

RECOMMENDATIONS

BUY How Will You Measure Your Life?

BUY Designing Your Life: How to Build a Well-Lived, Joyful Life

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SUMMARY

Codi Shewan, a former funeral director and embalmer, encourages us to live fully today. In his new book, Everyday Legacy: Lessons for Living with Purpose, Right Now, he shares personal anecdotes and no-nonsense insights to show us how to live our legacy rather than just leave a legacy. His book helps us be more intentional and recognize the impact we’re having on others right now. In short, Everyday Legacy is meant to inspire conversations with ourselves and to encourage us to live the way we want to be remembered after death.

What’s the job of a funeral director?

• Stand in support of those grieving their loss of another human
• Listen, listen, and (mostly) listen!
• Hear “echoes of regret” of those left behind
• Lead with the heart
• Open people up to experience grief

What can we do to live an everyday legacy?

• Manage our “echoes of regret”
• Ask ourselves how we want to be remembered
• Write our own obituaries
• Decide who and what is important
• Tell others how they affect us positively: “My life is better with you in it because…”

QUOTES FROM SHEWAN

• “Funerals matter to people and people matter to people.”
• “Legacy is a matter of how you show up.”
• “There is such a thing as a good funeral that includes ceremony and ritual, meaningful stories, good eulogies—all of these things that are key, poignant parts of a funeral service.”
• “We have little control over our death, but we’re entirely in control of how we live.”
• “Every single day we have the currency of time…to spend wisely.”
• “Controlling ‘echoes of regret’ means saying the things we want to say; it means having experiences that we intend to have; it means sustaining relationships that are meaningful in our lives.”
• “Legacy is something we leave when we’re dead…When we shift that narrative to something we live every single day, we hold the power to understand the influence we’re having on others in our world.”

BUY Everyday Legacy: Lessons for Living With Purpose, Right Now

RECOMMENDATION

Listen to Heather Lende in Nonfiction4Life podcast Episode #39 discuss her book, Find the Good: Unexpected Lessons from a Small-Town Obituary Writer.

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SUMMARY

For our special Mother’s Day episode, award-winning journalist Jo Giese shares her delightful memoir, Never Sit If You Can Dance: Lessons from My Mother. Late in life, Giese realized what a treasure she had in her mother (nicknamed “Babe”). So, she began collecting her mother’s life stories and instructions that she had internalized, including “Never sit if you can dance.” Babe’s joie de vivre inspired everyone around her, friends and family alike, to take chances and live life fully. The book inspires us to appreciate our mothers right now rather than wait until we and our mothers grow old.

A FEW MORE LESSONS FROM BABE:

• “We all need someone waiting for us in the parking lot.”
• “Never show up empty-handed.”
• “Thank-you notes are never too plentiful.”
• “Sharing fun is the whole thing.” (AKA “Celebrate everything!”)
• “People don’t like to be around depressed people.”
• “Don’t be drab.”

QUOTES FROM GIESE

• “Today, in an era that stresses individual self-fulfillment and achievement, hardly anyone is willing to be the one sitting in the car, stitching. But the simple truth is that maybe we all need someone waiting for us in the parking lot.”
• “Babe had a rare ability to really make the best of it.”
• “My parents would always arrive at a friend’s house with their arms loaded. ‘It’s a nice way of welcoming yourself into someone’s home,’ Babe explained. ‘Be sure and bring something you’ve made, too.’”
• “When you write a thank-you, you don’t need to drool or get all touchy-feely. Just a few nicely worded one-liners will do the job.”
• “Later in life, Babe had evolved. I looked around: Where was the depressed mother I’d spent so much time complaining about in therapy? Babe had outgrown the mental mom I carried with me, and it had taken me a while to catch up.”
• “In spite of what’s happening, it’s okay to be happy today.”
• “Because I know how it hurts not to receive a positive comment, I’ve adopted a different behavior: I try never to let a compliment go unsaid. If I ever think something positive about someone or something—even the most fleeting thought—I share it before it vanishes.”
• “The beauty of learning a lesson and incorporating it so fully that it becomes part of you, as if it were your original chromosomal material, is that you can casually pass it on without even noticing.”

BUY Never Sit If You Can Dance: Lessons from My Mother

RECOMMENDATION

Enjoy watching Jo Giese in the book trailer video talking about some of the lessons from her mother.

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SUMMARY

Bridgett Miller, with almost two decades of experience as a teacher and parent, writes What Young Children Need You to Know: How to See Them So You Know What to Do for Them. Supporting adults to nurture the children in their lives using their heads and their hearts, Miller brings to the table her credentials, including being an authorized Facilitator of the Neufeld Institute and the creator of Look with Love and Parenting with Intention on Facebook and Instagram.

In essence, Miller says about children, “What they desire and deserve most is to be in the presence of a caring adult who acknowledges and validates what they are feeling. Most important, they need an adult who stays connected to them in a heartfelt way by resisting the temptation to suppress or judge their behavior in their most vulnerable moments.”  In short, children crave a strong and loving connection, and “we keep showing up because we love them.”

KEY POINTS

• Connection – the most important key to good parenting
• Parental stumbling block – expecting to be on top of our game all the time; antidote – giving ourselves some grace
• Children’s development is not entirely up to us; Mother Nature helps by working on the inside to help our children mature.
• Temper tantrums – “gifts in disguise”
• Young children are incapable of filtering mixed feelings (exercising self-control).
• Tears show extreme vulnerability, indicating a healthy emotional sense of self.
• Children live in the moment, so countdown warnings aren’t always helpful, especially because adults often stretch and condense the time for their own benefit.
• Bedtime – perceived as a time of separation from the people they’re deeply attached to
• Cellphones – perceived as a competing attachment
• Interruptions – younger children get in our physical space; older children use words because they can’t hold their thoughts in their mind
• Light physical contact helps ground children when they’re upset.
• Parenting (doing) isn’t the same as being with our children.

QUOTES FROM MILLER

• “As Gordon Neufeld often states, your children never feel lost when they are sure of the person who is leading them.”
• “Emotions need to move…[they] are better out than in, especially when children are very young.”
• “Attempting to teach a young child something they aren’t yet capable of doing fuels a sense of disconnection between you and your child.”
• “Every interaction is an invitation to teach and to learn.”
• “What [children] want most is for you to give them the sense that you ‘get’ them, even when they are struggling to express themselves.”
• “Parenting can become a daily reminder of the importance of getting to know ourselves better so that we can become more conscious in all of our relationships.”
• “Parents often have to release the deluded notion that children are here to make us happy and that their behavior needs to be a certain way in order for us to experience the joy of parenting.”
• “Putting some of our energy into understanding the needs that drive young children’s behaviours and then doing what we can to meet them, will—in the long term—serve us much better than a weekend away at a spa.”
• “The key to understanding our child is to become very good at observing them and not to cling to the outcome of how we think things need to go.”
• “The beauty of play is that it teaches…children more than we could ever hope to.”
• “The children who stir us up and the ones who wake us up…If they’re pushing our buttons, it’s because those buttons need to be pushed.”
• “One of the greatest unexpected by-products of raising children is the opportunity to grow into the people we’re capable of being.”

BUY What Young Children Need You to Know: How to see them so you know what to do for them

RECOMMENDATIONS

• Listen to Nonfiction4Life Episode 15 with Erica Komisar, Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters
• Listen to Nonfiction4Life Episode 30 with Rebecca Eanes, The Positive Parenting Workbook: An Interactive Guide for Strengthening Emotional Connection

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SUMMARY

In her latest book, Limitless Mind: Learn, Lead, and Live Without Barriers, Dr. Jo Boaler, Professor in the School of Education at Stanford University, explodes myths surrounding “giftedness." She asserts, “The myth that our brains are fixed and that we simply don’t have the aptitude for certain topics is not only scientifically inaccurate; it is omnipresent and negatively impacts education and many other events in our everyday lives. When we let go of the idea that our brains are fixed, stop believing that our genetics determine our lives’ pathways, and learn that our brains are incredibly adaptable, it is liberating.”

KEY POINTS

• Neuroplasticity means brains are continually forming new pathways every time we learn.
• Multidimensional learning is the best way to connect with any content.
• “Speed is out and flexibility is in.” (Speed does not equal good intelligence.)
• Labeling a child as “smart” causes children to develop a damaging fixed mindset.
• A “growth mindset,” a concept made famous by Carol Dweck, improves when you’re at the edge of your understanding, especially when you struggle and make mistakes.
• Giving feedback is much more helpful to learners than giving grades is.
• Albert Einstein, who constantly talked about not having any special gift, was, instead, constantly curious.
• Connecting and collaborating with others strengthens our brains.

QUOTES FROM BOALER

• “Whatever [brain] you’re born with is eclipsed by the millions of opportunities people have to develop and strengthen their brains.”
• “Anyone can learn anything!”
• “Every year millions of children start school excited about all they will learn, but quickly become disillusioned when they get the idea they are not as ‘smart’ as others.”
• “If you refuse to accept labels and these limiting ideas, and you give kids rich learning environments and the right messages, anything can happen.”
• “Researchers now know that when people with math anxiety encounter numbers, a fear center in the brain is activated—the same fear center that lights up when people see snakes or spiders.”
• “Anxiety in any subject area has a negative impact on the functioning of the brain.”
• “It is fine to praise children, but always praise what they did and not them as people.”
• “The more we struggle, the better learning and brain growth.”
• “Everyone is on a growth pathway. There is not a cutoff to giftedness.”

BUY Limitless Mind: Learn, Lead, and Live Without Barriers

RECOMMENDATIONS

Watch the video, "Rethinking Giftedness."

For “limitless” resources, visit Boaler’s website (youcubed.org).

Listen to a related Nonfiction4Life podcast: Episode 70 - “Learning How to Learn: How to Succeed in School Without Spending All Your Time Studying."

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SUMMARY

In The Quest for Eternal Sunshine: A Holocaust Survivor's Journey from Darkness to Light, Myra Goodman shares her father’s story of transformation posthumously. As a Polish Hassidic Jew, Mendek Rubin is the object of anti-Semitism even before Hitler closes in on the Jews. After surviving the Holocaust, he becomes a brilliant inventor who revolutionizes the jewelry manufacturing industry, generating numerous patents in the 1960s and 1970s.

When he retires, he invents the equipment to wash and package baby greens for Earthbound Farm―the largest grower of organic produce in the world and the first company to successfully market ready-to-eat salads for retail sale. Yet, now in his sixties, Mendek still carries all the trauma, pain, and despair of childhood and the concentration camps. Finally, applying his genius to his own psyche, he starts to change, discovering and implementing practices that enable him to fully let go of the bad and embrace only the good life has to offer.

To round out her father’s neglected manuscript, Goodman spends four years researching, interviewing, and gathering historical information. By publishing the book as a co-author, she chronicles Mendek’s transformative healing journey while also creating an inspiring roadmap for herself and others seeking self-awareness and inner growth.

KEY POINTS

• The years leading up to concentration camps during the Holocaust are also traumatic.
• Mendek serves in seven different slave-labor camps during WWII.
• Dyslexic, he is beaten by his father for doing poorly in school, failing out in the sixth grade.
• Afraid of both living and dying, Mendek is mired for years in hopelessness and fear.
• He helps launch Earthbound Farm, Goodman’s organic farming business, by using parts from a local junkyard to invent an automated process for washing and bagging salads.
• Mendek, with only bad memories of his childhood, begins to change when he purposefully goes back in time to remember and replay the good, kind, gestures of love.
• Goodman’s sister, while living with her parents as an adult to recover from sickness, manages to captures her father’s stories of forgiveness in recordings.
• To tap into love, Rubin learns to practice mindful presence.
• The fallacy of progress: human beings have not figured out how to live peacefully, realizing we are all interdependent.
• Positive thinking and emotions can be just as contagious as the coronavirus.
• It’s never too late to write a new narrative for our lives.
• Affirmations and visualization provide Mendek the power to release his negative emotions and embrace all that is good in the world, including joy and love.

QUOTES FROM GOODMAN

• “My dad was my sunshine!”
• “He discovered that the cold, indifferent universe he had lived in for so long was nothing more than his own projection, and that he had the power to change it.”
• “I hear my dad’s voice inside my head all the time!”
• “My father’s deepest intention was to turn away from darkness and toward the light—to constantly embrace all that is beautiful.” 

QUOTES FROM RUBIN

• “Love has transformed my inner landscape, so that now I have only to look within myself to find satisfaction and the source that is all that is good in life. My inner splendor dazzles me.”
• “My plan was to build an inventory of new, joyful thoughts and experiences in the same way I’d have learned to play the piano: through practice and repetition.”
• “There are no bad people, only bad ideas.”
• “It’s not that I deny the past; I just don’t live in it.”

BUY Quest for Eternal Sunshine: A Holocaust Survivor’s Journey from Darkness to Light 

RECOMMENDATION

Read Myra Goodman’s article, “Healing Generations of Pain.”

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