A listener wrote a song about Stroke having sex 38 times in one day and sent it in. You listened to it. All of it. That should’ve been the whole episode — but somehow, it spiraled into a half-serious campaign to let Chick-fil-A run the country, a debate over Pornhub ass-eating stats, and a book called How to Start a Cult. Next thing you know, everyone’s pitching Kool-Aid merch and Stroke is leading a sex orgy interview team in a hazmat suit. Also: funeral desecration in Florida, a Dollar Tree crime ring in Sacramento, a missing flamingo statue in Parma, a bank heist where the money was stored in a goddamn cooler, and Daniel the black guy (probably).

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Listener Kenobi wants advice on asking a girl to be his Valentine. The gang tries to help, then mocks him with rejection trauma stories and redhead slander.

A Pornhub stat claiming 73% of Gen Z eats ass gets treated like it's peer-reviewed science. Ian doubts it. Mikey blames memes. Jenn considers launching a listener poll.

Dammit Jess writes a song called “You Fucked Me 38 Times,” inspired by Stroke’s TRT-fueled sex marathon. The lyrics include “embedded in my vagina.” It’s a moment.

Parenting dilemma: kid gets a black eye during a “UFC” playdate. Jenn wants accountability. Ian wants self-defense classes. Mikey just wants less therapy bills.

Daniel (self-identified “black guy”) emails in to argue DNA percentages.

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Jenn’s Only Hater crawled out of Spotify comments again… so we wrote him a theme song, roasted his existence, and then moved on like adults … by reading filthy romance novels to each other out loud. Butt stuff, “intimate muscles,” and finger placement breakdowns included. 

Jenn returns from her emo sex cruise refreshed and railed, Stroke’s bones are cracking like popcorn, Ian’s heartburn gets blamed on some extremely questionable oral history and Mikey can’t sleep without hugging a body pillow now. Meanwhile, a grandma becomes a $4K-a-month escort, a methhead steals a plane, and some lunatic in the UK legally marries her dog. This episode should come with a health warning. 

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BookTok smut reading Jen’s Only Hater Nico puppet versions Muppet show parody DNA test results Black History Month joke emo cruise recap Devil Wears Prada fight Ian heartburn rant Tums old guy podcast Sleep paralysis pillow numb arm reading glasses aging Jen Kyle sex vacation Aftershock festival newbies Clone a Willy grandma escort story meth plane hijacker Florida Man story marriage to a dog dog bride BookTok dirty novels Spotify comments Patreon poll reader voices segment midget dick size ICP gang sign in snow podcast merch Valentine’s Day shirt True Love Doesn’t Knock Mikey puppet rant groan laugh breakdown damn problems confession smut audiobook games Mitch wrestling segment dildo rant weird podcast stuff

Jenn disappears and the show immediately loses adult supervision. What starts as random facts mutates into a live Google spiral about animal anatomy that nobody consented to. Florida shows up doing Florida things, confessions cross lines they definitely saw coming, and Rick the lawyer is forced to answer questions no law school prepared him for. Somewhere in the middle, the internet hands the gang an “award-winning” country singer whose comment section becomes the real performance. Nothing gets resolved. Several things get worse.

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Jenn’s still gone and within minutes the show derails into emo sex cruises, hypothetical dildo merch, Craigslist freak mapping, and a brand-new life lesson that pulling your pants down is sometimes the fastest way to end a confrontation. 

Add in bleach-laced spaghetti, karaoke bans over ten dollars, stolen landmark flags, Walmart reality glitches, Arnie States joins the show to calmly explains how radio lawyers killed creativity while also pitching stand-up comedy about things no lawyer would ever approve. 

This episode wanders, spirals, overshares, and somehow still lands on abandoned mattress calendars and dick-shaped light switches. 

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Stroke exposes his balls (again), Ian lays out all the lies your parents fed you, and Mikey declares war on fake work marriages. Also, we investigate the science of dick elasticity, the revenge potential of a Wendy’s cup, and why everyone on the internet needs to be tased. Jenn’s out on a cruise, but the testosterone is flowing, along with violent sex confessions, sad vape dads, and another Florida Man baptism in dumbassery.

Welcome to America’s Loudest Podcast.

• Stroke shares a traumatizing hotel room incident involving the “mouse on the trampoline” technique and a very unlucky housekeeper..

• Ian drops 10 childhood lies that were complete horseshit, from gum myths to the bullshit about the Great Wall of China being visible from space.

• Florida Man does donuts at a Jehovah’s Witness church on a first date. Because Florida.

• Mikey blows up the concept of “work wives” and goes full scorched earth on deleted texts and flirty coworkers.

• A teenage vape addict gets roasted harder than his mango pod. Parenting advice devolves into door removal and legalized beatdowns.

• Confessions include jerking it in a hospital bathroom, a panic attack mid-fake orgasm, and violent sex loyalty kink.

• A brawl featuring a bike, a mop, multiple shovels, and two suspiciously erect nipples takes top prize in Digital Dumpster Fire.

• One listener took a Wendy’s shit and turned it into ex-based bioterrorism. We salute you.

• The final video somehow makes us all miss our kids… until we remember they’re teenagers now and hate us.

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Stroke’s married, Ian’s bitter, and Mikey’s rethinking friendship contracts. Jenn’s out getting one of her Ns removed (finally), so the boys spiral into poop-launching massage parlor arrests, Craigslust, and getting real about just how damn old they’ve become. Also: Copper thieves cripple Sacramento transit, nobody wants Ian at their wedding, and Reno is full of freaks.

Welcome to America’s Loudest Podcast.

• Jenn’s missing in action due to a mysterious medical “N removal,” and the gang immediately spirals without female supervision.

• A Defuniak Springs massage parlor owner weaponizes her poop to avoid arrest (actual Florida police report quote: “defecating toward the officer”).

• Sacramento’s Gold Line was shut down by a copper-stealing crackhead who probably netted $50 and a Subway sandwich.

• Haters still obsessed with the show — and Stroke drops the truth about white-label turkey brine and fake “radio products.”

• Craigslist Confessional: Reno's finest include piss freaks, titty milk suckers, open-relationship blowjob seekers, and a 68-year-old dom with a milking machine.

• Ian reveals the Florida Scale — an actual visual ranking system featuring mugshot dolphins, mullet gators, and general degeneracy.

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You ever find yourself inventing vagina breath strips and betting on poultry to shit on a number while judging prison inmates for murder and theft? No? Then you’re not living right. In this episode, we do all of that and way too much more. By the time the felon dating game hits, it’s already too late to back out. One woman’s in for burglary. Another for homicide. And we all still picked her.

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This episode is like an emotional handjob that ends with someone shoving a shampoo bottle up their ass. We start with everybody feeling feelings — like real, ugly cry-type shit — and just when you think we might be growing as people, we immediately go full brain rot.

Grave-robbing psychopaths? Check. Cops turning into frogs? Yep. Federal butthole report? Hell yes. Then it’s open season on hate comments, the bitter trolls finally get their time to shine while we drag their sad little Reddit fingers through the dirt. And we wrap it up with “Who Had the Worst Week” – Dammit Edition, where one listener spirals so hard we almost call a hotline. It’s sincere. It’s disturbing. It’s aggressively dumb.

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The confessions came in hot — one about Christmas car sex with an ex, one about getting “moist” from our lawyer's voice, and a truly tragic Bingo-related grievance. That set the tone. Then it spiraled into Yelp vengeance, a full Chicken Shit Bingo tangent, and one of the dumbest games we’ve ever played: AI Fart or Real Fart?. Things were said. Lives were changed. Farrell’s Ice Cream may never recover.

Welcome to America’s Loudest Podcast.

• Listener says Lawyer Rick’s voice made them “moist.” No one recovers.

• Farrell’s Ice Cream is possibly dead because of a Yelp review from one of us. No regrets.

• Bingo comes up. Not normal bingo. Chicken shit bingo.

• Confession of ex-wife car sex on Christmas Day — bonus: she’s remarried.

• Another listener blew out two women in one night at Ms. Newby’s and wanted us to know.

• Grandma’s still fucking the man who brings her dinner. This is fine.

• Random Facts involve LSD films, the name Alf, and other signs of societal collapse.

• Game of “AI Fart or Real Fart” gets wildly competitive — and weirdly wet.

• By the end, everyone admits: we suck. But we’re not stopping.

• Closing message? “Don’t kill strippers.” Because we care.

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The show’s back and somehow dumber than ever. 

Stroke got engaged, then immediately waxed his asshole. The Celebrity Death Pool is back with wild card picks and 10 times more disrespect. From California gun rulings and Bangkok coffin resurrections to shamans stating the obvious, prison drone surf-and-turf and STD-sounding dinosaurs — nothing in this episode lands clean, and that’s exactly how we like it. Add voicemails, Reddit hate, dog-related bedroom trauma, and the quiet realization that everyone on this show is probably already flagged by multiple federal agencies. 

Welcome to America’s Loudest Podcast.

🧠 Episode Breakdown

• Season Two officially launches with the Dirt Squirrel mascot discussion and a debate about never changing the intro song

• Stroke announces his engagement while also explaining a same-week butthole wax, manicure, and Santa costume logistics

• The return of Celebrity Death Picks includes point scoring rules, wild cards, and immediate arguments about who is “allowed” to die

• Extended argument over spoiler etiquette using Stranger Things and Star Wars as examples

• WTF News covers a woman found alive in her coffin before cremation in Thailand and spirals into cremation machine shopping

• California’s open carry ruling sparks a heated, extremely unscientific gun debate involving Gavin Newsom’s hair

• A drone drops steak, crab legs, weed, and Old Bay seasoning into a prison yard and everyone agrees the guard kept it

• Dinosaur fossils in Nevada introduce the word “ichthyosaur,” which immediately becomes a venereal disease joke

• Damn Problems segment splits the room over a husband disappearing to a neighbor’s couch on New Year’s Eve

• Voicemails and comments include listener callouts, engagement congratulations, and an extremely uncomfortable dog-in-the-bedroom confession

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Not That Damn Show Episode 60 Stroke engagement Santa costume butt wax fake nails Celebrity Death Pool 2026 wild card Bangkok funeral cremation coffin cremator machine Jenn cremation hookup Thailand court ruling California open carry Ninth Circuit Ian legal read drone steak crab legs weed Old Bay prison delivery Fifi prison sex toy voicemails confession ex text Happy New Year dog licked balls Reddit hate Don Geronimo accusation Candace Owens notary discussion cremation side hustle cremator for sale shaman forecast 2026 weather chaos Ian death prediction