Not Your Therapist

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Ever tried setting boundaries with your mom, only to hear, "Other mothers and daughters don't have these problems!" 🙄

Oh, REALLY? And how the hell would you know?!

In this episode of Not Your Therapist, licensed therapist Kayla Reilly (aka The Spicy Shrink) answers a real question from a Cycle Breaker Circle member about emotionally immature parents, mother-daughter conflict, and emotional invalidation.

We're breaking down why some parents use comparison to dismiss your feelings, why setting boundaries with dysfunctional family members can actually create MORE conflict, and how to stop getting sucked into defending yourself.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• How emotional invalidation shows up in parent-adult child relationships
• Why avoiding conflict doesn't necessarily mean a family is healthy
• How emotionally immature parents may respond when you start setting boundaries
• Why breaking generational cycles can disrupt dysfunctional family dynamics
• Practical scripts for responding to guilt trips, comparisons, and dismissive comments

Because just because your family isn't fighting doesn't mean they're healthy. Sometimes it just means everyone learned to shut the hell up.

Support the show

🖤 If this episode made you feel seen, I've got a lot more where that came from.

✨ Follow me on Instagram @the_spicyshrink for daily no-BS mental health content.

 ✨ Grab my FREE Family Survival Roles Quiz to discover the survival role you learned growing up.

 ✨ Ready to stop understanding your family and start responding differently? 

Check out Survival to Self and all my resources at stan.store/kaylareilly.

See you next week, friend. 💛

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So you’ve realized your family is dysfunctional. You’ve started recognizing the guilt trips, minimizing, gaslighting, and roles you were expected to play.

Now what the hell do you do with that information?

In Part 2 of my conversation with Christine Giarrizzo—journalist, mom, blogger, and host of the Momming as a Millennial podcast—we keep digging into what happens when you start healing… but your family doesn’t.

We talk about boundaries with difficult family members, the guilt that comes with changing old patterns, emotionally immature parents, family manipulation, and why becoming healthier can actually create more conflict in a dysfunctional family system at first.

Because when you’ve spent your whole life being the peacekeeper, caretaker, good kid, invisible one, or family therapist, choosing yourself can feel a whole lot like being selfish.

It isn’t.

And healing doesn’t necessarily mean cutting everyone off, forgiving everything that happened, or finally finding the perfect words that make your family understand you. Sometimes it means learning how to stay grounded in your own reality—even when they disagree with it.

🎧 Check out Christine’s podcast, Momming as a Millennial for more honest conversations about motherhood, identity, relationships, and finding yourself outside of everyone else’s expectations.

🌶️ Come hang out with me on Instagram @thespicyshrink and tell me what you thought about this conversation. I LOVE hearing what resonated, what made something click, and yes—even what you disagreed with.

And if you’re sitting there thinking, Okay, I can see these patterns everywhere now…but I still don’t know how to actually change them, that’s exactly why I created Survival to Self: The Starter Guide to Healing from Dysfunctional Families.

It’s where I teach you how to understand the role you learned to play, create boundaries and scripts, recognize manipulation like guilt, gaslighting and DARVO in real time, and build an actual game plan for dealing with your family without abandoning yourself to keep the peace.

Support the show

🖤 If this episode made you feel seen, I've got a lot more where that came from.

✨ Follow me on Instagram @the_spicyshrink for daily no-BS mental health content.

 ✨ Grab my FREE Family Survival Roles Quiz to discover the survival role you learned growing up.

 ✨ Ready to stop understanding your family and start responding differently? 

Check out Survival to Self and all my resources at stan.store/kaylareilly.

See you next week, friend. 💛

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What happens when the people who hurt you insist it “wasn’t that bad”—or straight-up tell you it never happened?

In Part 1 of this special two-part episode of Not Your Therapist, I’m joined by Christine Giarrizzo, journalist, mom, blogger, and host of the Momming as a Millennial podcast, for a conversation about what it’s like to heal from a dysfunctional family when the people around you minimize, deny, or rewrite your experience.

And honestly? This turned into less of an interview and more of a live Q&A—which means we get INTO it.

We talk about childhood trauma, emotionally immature parents, dysfunctional family roles, guilt, boundaries, nervous system responses, and why your family may suddenly have a whole lot to say when you stop playing the role they assigned you.

Because here’s the thing: your family doesn’t have to agree with your experience for your experience to be real.

If you grew up hearing things like “That never happened,” “You’re too sensitive,” “We did the best we could,” or “Why are you still talking about this?”—yeah. This episode is for you.

🎧 Check out Christine’s podcast, Momming as a Millennial, for more honest conversations about motherhood, identity, and finding fulfillment beyond taking care of everyone else.

🌶️ Come find me on Instagram @thespicyshrink and tell me what hit home. I genuinely want to hear your take.

And if you’re ready to go beyond recognizing your dysfunctional family patterns and actually learn what to DO with them, check out Survival to Self: The Starter Guide to Healing from Dysfunctional Families—my step-by-step course for understanding your patterns, setting boundaries, responding to manipulation, and learning how to stop abandoning yourself just to keep the peace.

Part 2 coming next.

Support the show

🖤 If this episode made you feel seen, I've got a lot more where that came from.

✨ Follow me on Instagram @the_spicyshrink for daily no-BS mental health content.

 ✨ Grab my FREE Family Survival Roles Quiz to discover the survival role you learned growing up.

 ✨ Ready to stop understanding your family and start responding differently? 

Check out Survival to Self and all my resources at stan.store/kaylareilly.

See you next week, friend. 💛

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Do you feel guilty every time you set a boundary? Say no? Choose yourself? Disappoint someone?

You might not actually be experiencing healthy guilt—you might be experiencing the guilt you were conditioned to feel growing up in a dysfunctional family.

In this episode, I'm breaking down the difference between healthy guilt and childhood guilt, why emotionally immature parents often teach us to confuse the two, and how to stop letting guilt control your decisions.

If you've ever wondered why saying "no" feels so uncomfortable or why someone else's disappointment makes you question yourself, this episode is for you.

In this episode, you'll learn:

•  The difference between healthy guilt and conditioned guilt 
•  Why people-pleasers feel guilty for having needs 
•  How dysfunctional families teach children to prioritize everyone else's emotions 
•  Three questions to help you determine whether your guilt is actually useful 
•  How to stop letting guilt make your decisions 

If this episode resonated with you, subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who's learning that choosing themselves isn't selfish—it's healing.

Support the show

🖤 If this episode made you feel seen, I've got a lot more where that came from.

✨ Follow me on Instagram @the_spicyshrink for daily no-BS mental health content.

 ✨ Grab my FREE Family Survival Roles Quiz to discover the survival role you learned growing up.

 ✨ Ready to stop understanding your family and start responding differently? 

Check out Survival to Self and all my resources at stan.store/kaylareilly.

See you next week, friend. 💛

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Everyone talks about the narcissistic parent, emotionally immature parent, or toxic family member. But what about the parent who stood by and did nothing?

In this episode, I'm unpacking the role of the enabler in dysfunctional families, why the "nice parent" often causes more confusion than the abusive one, and why so many adult children stay stuck waiting for that parent to finally stand up for them.

We'll talk about enabling, family roles, emotionally immature parents, codependency, childhood trauma, grief, and why your healing can't depend on someone else's willingness to change.

In this episode, you'll learn:

•  What an enabler actually is 
•  Why enabling develops in dysfunctional families 
•  The hidden impact of the "safe" parent who never protected you 
•  Why trying to change the enabler usually keeps you stuck 
•  How to shift your focus back to your own healing

Support the show

🖤 If this episode made you feel seen, I've got a lot more where that came from.

✨ Follow me on Instagram @the_spicyshrink for daily no-BS mental health content.

 ✨ Grab my FREE Family Survival Roles Quiz to discover the survival role you learned growing up.

 ✨ Ready to stop understanding your family and start responding differently? 

Check out Survival to Self and all my resources at stan.store/kaylareilly.

See you next week, friend. 💛

Send us Fan Mail

Are you trying to break generational cycles but still find yourself losing your patience with your kids?

If you've ever yelled, felt guilty, and immediately thought, "I'm turning into my parents," you're not alone.

In this episode, I'm sharing three practical ways to become a calmer parent without becoming permissive. We'll talk about emotional regulation, why behavior is communication, how to repair after conflict, and why your kids don't need a perfect parent—they need one who's willing to take accountability.

Whether you grew up with emotionally immature parents or you're simply trying to parent differently than you were raised, this episode will give you practical tools to help you respond instead of react.

In this episode, you'll learn:

•  Why calm parenting starts with regulating yourself 
•  How to understand what your child's behavior is really communicating 
•  Why repair is more important than perfection 
•  How to break generational cycles without expecting yourself to be a perfect parent 
•  Simple mindset shifts that help you build emotional safety in your home 

If this episode encouraged you, subscribe, leave a review, and share it with another parent who's trying to raise emotionally healthy kids.

Support the show

🖤 If this episode made you feel seen, I've got a lot more where that came from.

✨ Follow me on Instagram @the_spicyshrink for daily no-BS mental health content.

 ✨ Grab my FREE Family Survival Roles Quiz to discover the survival role you learned growing up.

 ✨ Ready to stop understanding your family and start responding differently? 

Check out Survival to Self and all my resources at stan.store/kaylareilly.

See you next week, friend. 💛

Send us Fan Mail

Want to know one of the biggest mistakes couples make during conflict?

They assume they know why their partner did something instead of getting curious.

As a therapist, I've seen this one communication habit completely change the way couples argue. Most relationship fights aren't just about dirty dishes, forgotten texts, or who's picking up the kids—they're about the stories we tell ourselves about our partner's intentions.

In this episode, I'm breaking down why our brains jump to conclusions (especially if you grew up in a dysfunctional family), how childhood experiences shape the way we communicate in adulthood, and one simple shift that can instantly create more connection in your marriage.

We'll talk about assumptions, curiosity, emotional safety, attachment wounds, and why healthy communication isn't about winning arguments—it's about understanding each other.

In this episode, you'll learn:

•  The communication habit that improves almost every relationship 
•  Why your brain assumes the worst when you're hurt 
•  How childhood trauma and emotionally immature parents impact your marriage 
•  The difference between curiosity and criticism 
•  Simple questions that help you connect instead of escalate conflict 

Whether you've been married for 20 years or you're just trying to communicate better with your partner, this episode will give you one practical tool you can start using today.

If this episode helped you, subscribe, leave a review, and send it to your spouse (yes... I'm talking to you 😉).

Support the show

🖤 If this episode made you feel seen, I've got a lot more where that came from.

✨ Follow me on Instagram @the_spicyshrink for daily no-BS mental health content.

 ✨ Grab my FREE Family Survival Roles Quiz to discover the survival role you learned growing up.

 ✨ Ready to stop understanding your family and start responding differently? 

Check out Survival to Self and all my resources at stan.store/kaylareilly.

See you next week, friend. 💛

Send us Fan Mail

Do you feel responsible for everyone else's emotions?

Do you change your mood based on your partner's mood? Walk on eggshells around your parents? Feel guilty when someone is disappointed in you? Constantly scan the room to make sure everyone else is okay?

If so, you might still be living by the survival rules you learned in childhood.

In this episode, I explain why adult children of dysfunctional and emotionally immature families become hyperaware of everyone else's emotions, why people-pleasing isn't your personality (it's a survival strategy), and how to stop organizing your entire life around keeping other people comfortable.

We'll talk about emotional responsibility, nervous system responses, boundaries, people-pleasing, and one mindset shift that can completely change how you show up in your relationships.

If you've ever wondered why someone else's bad mood can ruin your entire day, this episode is for you.

In this episode, you'll learn:

•  Why you feel responsible for everyone else's emotions 
•  How dysfunctional families create hypervigilance 
•  The hidden cost of people-pleasing 
•  How to stop absorbing everyone else's feelings 
•  A simple exercise to help you start choosing yourself 

If this episode resonated with you, subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who's ready to stop surviving and start becoming themselves.

Support the show

🖤 If this episode made you feel seen, I've got a lot more where that came from.

✨ Follow me on Instagram @the_spicyshrink for daily no-BS mental health content.

 ✨ Grab my FREE Family Survival Roles Quiz to discover the survival role you learned growing up.

 ✨ Ready to stop understanding your family and start responding differently? 

Check out Survival to Self and all my resources at stan.store/kaylareilly.

See you next week, friend. 💛

Send us Fan Mail

Think boundaries are all about finding the perfect script? Nope.

One of the biggest mistakes I see people make is believing boundaries are supposed to make other people change. That's not a boundary—that's a wish.

If you've ever overexplained yourself, felt guilty after saying no, or wondered why your boundaries "never work," this episode is for you. I'm breaking down why people-pleasers struggle so much with boundaries, what healthy boundaries actually look like, and the mindset shift that changed everything for me and my clients.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, chances are you learned to prioritize everyone else's feelings over your own. Today, we're putting an end to that.

In this episode we'll cover:

•  Why your boundaries keep failing 
•  The difference between boundaries and requests 
•  Why overexplaining is usually anxiety in disguise 
•  How to set boundaries without trying to control other people 
•  The one question you should ask yourself before every boundary 

If this episode helped you, I'd love for you to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who's ready to stop people-pleasing and start choosing themselves.

Support the show

🖤 If this episode made you feel seen, I've got a lot more where that came from.

✨ Follow me on Instagram @the_spicyshrink for daily no-BS mental health content.

 ✨ Grab my FREE Family Survival Roles Quiz to discover the survival role you learned growing up.

 ✨ Ready to stop understanding your family and start responding differently? 

Check out Survival to Self and all my resources at stan.store/kaylareilly.

See you next week, friend. 💛

Send us Fan Mail

Have you always felt like the black sheep of your family?

Like no matter what you do... you just don't fit in?

Maybe you've been called too sensitive, too emotional, too dramatic, or too difficult. Maybe you're the one who questions unhealthy family dynamics while everyone else acts like nothing is wrong. Or maybe you've spent your entire life wondering, "Why am I so different from everyone else?"

What if the problem isn't that you don't fit in...

What if the problem is that your family required you to betray yourself in order to belong?

In this episode of Not Your Therapist, we're unpacking the psychology of the black sheep and why so many cycle breakers grow up feeling like outsiders in their own families.

We'll cover:

• Why dysfunctional families often need a "black sheep"
• The difference between fitting in and truly belonging
• How family roles like the scapegoat, peacekeeper, and golden child keep dysfunction alive
• Why speaking the truth can make you the family villain
• Why setting boundaries often leads to backlash
• How to stop believing you're "too much" and start seeing yourself through a healthier lens

If you've ever felt like you're the only one who sees the dysfunction... or you've questioned your own reality because everyone else insists "that's just how our family is," this episode is for you.

Because here's the truth:

The black sheep isn't usually rejected for being broken. They're rejected for refusing to participate in a broken system.

🎧 Tune in and discover why not fitting into your dysfunctional family may be one of the healthiest things about you.

And if you're ready to stop falling back into the same family role every holiday, phone call, and family gathering, check out The Dysfunctional Family Playbook in the show notes. It's my step-by-step framework to help you understand your family dynamics, set boundaries that actually work, and become the cycle breaker your family never expected.

Support the show

🖤 If this episode made you feel seen, I've got a lot more where that came from.

✨ Follow me on Instagram @the_spicyshrink for daily no-BS mental health content.

 ✨ Grab my FREE Family Survival Roles Quiz to discover the survival role you learned growing up.

 ✨ Ready to stop understanding your family and start responding differently? 

Check out Survival to Self and all my resources at stan.store/kaylareilly.

See you next week, friend. 💛