Written & performed by me - Edith Shyly
My number two…episode just for you - another dump of five poems
(0:00) Shop before you drop
(1:13) Claude
(1:29) Edith’s jobs: The Biscuit Factory
(2:52) Dumped in the bath
(4:06) Nun in a supermarket
(5:30) Outro
Poem Transcripts:
Shop before you drop
Today I shopped before I dropped
to a funeral shop I briefly popped
I popped in before I pop off
before I cough my final cough
I might have walked right past the shop
but an A-frame poster made me stop
it said JUST FOR TODAY AN END OF LINE SALE
20% OFF AND A FREE CRATE OF ALE!
well it’s never too early to plan ahead
there’ll be plenty of time to rest when I’m dead
do you want oak beech or bamboo basket
or the eco-friendly cardboard casket
silk cotton or wallpaper lining
goose-down pillows for luxury reclining?
I chose a large oak coffin with the finest cladding
with a TV and WIFI in integral padding
I said please deliver it NOW in your coffin van
I want to enjoy it while I still can!
Claude
I once had a cat I called him Claude
a good name for a cat I thought
he never clawed the sofa like I asked
just PISSED on it as he walked past
Biscuit factory
A job came up in a biscuit factory
I said now that sounds like just the job for me!
but they said no Miss you’ll be working outside
cleaning the portacabin bogs where the lorry drivers reside
they’ve been pissing and shitting around the clock
on a 24-hour rota since the year dot
we haven’t had a cleaner here for five years or more
so it’s no surprise there’s more shit here than floor
well it took three or four weeks to shift some of the poo
with a mop and a bucket the size of Peru
‘twas the only job where I’ve ever slogged
where I didn’t spend any time sitting on the bog
if you’d have seen the state of it you wouldn’t have either
for the stench was so bad it would give you a seizure
yes the risk of disease was genuinely high
I could have expired and gone to that toilet in the sky
and on my gravestone my epitaph might have read
she was a very good cleaner but now she is dead
she didn’t get any free bickies she really was misled
but she had a secret something she never said
it was spotted after her death by the Finance head
all the time she worked here she was getting double-pay
yet when we handed over her wages she neglected to say
so she won’t be in heaven she’ll be on the loo in hell
some idiot made a boo-boo I think it was Michelle
Dumped in the bath
Have you ever been dumped in the bath?
I can tell you now it's not much of a laugh
even if you weren't a girlfriend so goody
no-one deserves to be dumped in the nuddy
I’m sitting there all ARSE and TITS
when he says let’s call it QUITS
oh was it the sight of my private bits
or the overgrown hair on my muff and my pits?
I really wished I’d never got in
if we'd shared a shower we might still be a thing
with steam to obscure my hairs and skin
I’d also look a lot more thin
instead he gives me a glance so foul
and chucks me a crusty brown bobbly towel
it doesn’t look clean its a little bit manky
and it’s only the size of a dolls house hanky
I wonder should I use it to wipe my eyes
as getting dumped was a bit of a surprise
or cover my left tit or my right
or the back of my arse ‘twas all in full sight!
it’s not a dilemma you ever want to have
you'd rather be trapped in a nightclub lav
yes it put me off baths for the rest of my days
and made me dread a boyfriend’s gaze
I’ll only share a shower if the lights aren't bright
for strip lights aren’t great for my cellulite
Nun in a supermarket
Nun in a supermarket stocking up on booze
wonders which brand of gin to choose?
Gordon's? London? Tanqueray?
stick ‘em in the trolley - I haven’t got all day!
I’m busy worshiping the Trinity
ice and a slice and a shot or three!
there’s Sister Joan in the sweetie aisle!
basket full of chocolate three feet high
she’ll later chuck it up in a bag..
there’s Sister Bernie buying tons of fags!
she'll smoke herself into an early grave..
there’s Sister Anne - it's sex she craves!
she's into Father Dick - that one's depraved..
our vices we don't get to choose
chocolate fags or sex or booze?
‘tis the mystery of His master plan
like why the Pope is always a man
next week's retreat on bended knee
we'll renew our vows most piously
poverty chastity sobriety
followed by a toga foam party!
better look out for the special offers
help conserve our convent coffers
half-price packs of Monster Munch
will fill the gap since Sunday lunch
pity the heathens in the queue!
must be miserable being you
couples fighting arguing
so glad I saved myself for Him!
