Nugatory Quest

The night grows deep and the shadows stretch out from our forms huddled around the fire. The night is deep, cold and full of unknown horrors and terror. The group is tired, depleted from many weeks of constant travel. No one speaks a word, they are too weak to contemplate the effort. The old man has seen such struggles before. It is not his first reluctant sojourn. With a heave of his tired bones, he shifts towards the fire - calling attention to the rest of the people bundled up in their blankets. 'Lend me your ears, children, for I know you cannot offer more. Lend me your imagination and I will tell you a tale. A tale of wonder and enchantment. A tale of mystery and of danger. A tale which we all sorely need to hear.' The dejected eyes rose to meet those of the old man. The fire reflected back in his dark eyes; sparks in the night. 'This is the tale of Pisseus.' The night goes on. The people listen.

'It begins with a golden shower.'

Course Materials:

1. Arslaughter

2. Scottish Bar Mitzvah

3. Double Billing

4. Golden Shower

5. Nickel Cadahaha

6. Thousand Islandish

Look down at your legs; are you wearing shorts? Do you wish the rest of your legs were slightly (but not much) warmer? Or are you wearing pants but want to feel the sweet breeze on the lower portion of your shins? Well, do we have a product for you! Introducing: SHPANTS! They're slightly longer shorts or slightly shorter pants! SHPANTS! Wear them on the lawn! Wear them getting while getting groceries! Wear them at your daughter's wedding! SHPANTS! You'll wonder how you ever got by without SHPANTS! Using a patented new technique, SHPANTS combine the latest in short-lengthening technology, while still employing the pant shortening traditions we've come to know and love, and certainly aren't botched batches of shorts and pants we've decided to sell! SHPANTS! Get yours now! DO IT! SHPANTS!

(Not be to confused with Bermuda Shorts.)

Course Materials:

1. Regal Taupe

2. Smug Cow

3. Watered Furrows

4. Manscapelangelo

5. Muskmelon

6. Landshark

This week, the girls find themselves in deep…deep dung that is! What will they do when they’re asked to do menial tasks? Will they rise to the occasion? Or will they complain and call things stupid. You’ll just have to tune in and find out! It’s all very mysterious and they don’t tell us announcer people anything.

Course materials:

Spououne

Funty

The Worst Question

Fithy-Ithy

Nightmare Tape

Spider-Siesta

Hey man. Yeah, you. Hey. You want some stuff? I got some stuff. The '94 stuff? Naw, man - that stuff ain't worth doing time over! I gots the Grade A stuff; that sweet stuff that was so raw they banned it. Yeah, man. It's that hardcore. Where'd I get it then? Man, don't ask questions you don't want the answers to, man. Let's just say I gots a friend up north, if you get my meaning. Talks kinda funny, you know what I'm sayin'? Likes maple syrup if you catch my drift. Snow drifts. Yeah, I gots a guy that hooks me up. So you want it or not? Let me tell you man they got this stuff locked down TIGHT up there. I ain't gonna give it you if you're just gonna narc me out, I could do serious time for this stuff. Alright, man, you got it. You sure you ready for this? It's a pretty big step. I just hope you know who Joe Clark is or you're gonna be in a whole mess of trouble.

Course Materials: Drive By Waffling, International Waters, Bourbon Parmesan, Steve Pattingson, Space Pope, Mass vs. Weight

No one knows what it's like to be shellfish

To be mollusks

Behind blue eyes

No one bites back as hard

On your finger

Crack the shell and my flesh

Can show through

But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my carcass seems to be

I have bivalves, never lonely

My love is plankton

It tastes nummy

Course Materials: St. Vincent and the Grenadines, Teen Wolf Junkie Moms, Chimborazo, Hugh Dickman, Mussel Flexing, Spear Force Trauma

Triumph is a Canadian hard rock power trio that was popular in the late 1970s through the 1980s. Between the band's 16 albums and DVDs, Triumph has received 18 gold and 9 platinum awards in Canada and the United States. Triumph was nominated for multiple Juno Awards, including Group of the Year Award in 1979, 1985, 1986 and 1987. Like their fellow Canadians Rush, Triumph began building their reputation across North America as a live band, peaking in the early to mid-1980s. The band was formed by Toronto music veterans Gil Moore (drums, vocals), Mike Levine (bass, keyboards), and Rik Emmett (guitar, vocals) in 1975.

It is most important to note that "Somebody Out There", "Love Hurts", "Child of the City" and "Lay It On the Line" are all the SAME GODDAMN BAND. WHAAAAATTTT?!?!

Course Materials: Porkopolis, Zonks, Manster of the Year, Beats, Alfred Nobel: War Criminal, Sofa King.

What?! It's not like it isn't TRUE.

Course Materials: Bern Burn, Filiwood, Ficitonal Characters, Gaoouughhhffff, Baby Time, Heures Du Mans.

Live on stage for the first time in over 70 years, the classic tale of love and show business is coming soon to a theatre near you! Boasting a bold new interpretation of the classic story, #BroadwayMelody will astound you with new plot points that you'll swear have just been made up by two idiots in some shack somewhere. Watch the daring struggle of a down-on-her luck singer having a go in the big city - just trying to make ends meet! Everywhere she goes, colourful characters and songs await! But who will bring meaning to her life when she's introduced to the seedy underbelly of the industry she loves so much! Starring Miley Cyrus, Amanda Bynes, Lindsey Lohan, Macaulay Culkin and an Instagram of Clark Gable, this is THE modern interpretation no one asked for but are going to get anyways. #BroadwayMelody previews begin soon - get your tickets today!

#NYC #JFK #musical ##BroadwayMelody #MileyCyrusiPad

Course Materials: Ocean Desert, Gable Made Me Do It, iPox, 24 Was Not Real, BC/DC, Antwerps

Noah is a down-to-earth father of three just trying to make ends meet in this workaday world. When his wife is struck and killed by a righteous bolt of lightning, his brother and goofy best friend move in to help him raise his adorable daughters. Together they discover that, with enough perseverance, laughter and whole lot of heart, family can get you through anything, including a cataclysmic flood that has destroyed the world. They also live with every animal in existence. It's a pretty high concept show, you guys.

Course Material: Winnie the Runs, Ghost Helen Keller, Honeyfitzgerald, Cat Lady Hiearchy, Four Seasons Death Trap, Smidgen Pinch

Cueloose jumps with spirit, dazzling felt play and an electrifying musical score that will have you saying, "Could you move out of the way, I'm trying to shoot." It portrays the timeless struggle between innocent pleasure and rigid sporting implements, when city-boy Rail McCaromick finds himself in an uptight Midwestern town where shooting billiards has been banned. Rail revolts with best friend Billiard and the minister's daughter. Features a treasury of Top 10 songs - "Cueloose", "Scratching in the Streets", "Let's Here it For the (8) Ball", "Holding Out for A Hickey" and the Cueloose love theme, "Almost Corner Pocket"

Course Materials: Wallet Bulge, Nofuncouver, Thick and Wet, The Late Tonight Show, Nose Knows, Bored Games