America was supposed to turn 250 this year. One man turned it into his own 80th birthday party instead: a cage fight on the people's lawn, a beer sponsor, party lights bright enough to blind a pilot on approach, and a twelve-thousand-dollar coin with his face on one side and We the People on the other. 


Lyrics:


South Lawn's got a ninety-foot claw
Eighty-seven-foot cage where the rose garden was
Bud Light logos on every wall
Monster Energy sign bigger than God
Seventy-nine going on eighty
Turns the whole country into his birthday party
Pay-per-view, eight-ninety-nine a month
While pilots scream "I can't see the runway, cunt!"


They said it was America's two-fifty
But it's just one old man and his UFC grift
Commodores bailed, Young MC dipped
Vanilla Ice is the only one left on the ship


OCTOGENARIAN OCTAGON!
His face on the coin, We the People on the back!
OCTOGENARIAN OCTAGON!
Autopen signed it, he was too busy to sign!
You turned the Mall into a parking lot brawl
And called it freedom, you senile asshole!
OCTOGENARIAN OCTAGON!
Happy birthday to you, America's gone!


Ring girls in flag bikinis on Flag Day
Violating federal code in the most American way
"Respect the flag!" they screamed for ten years straight
Now it's ass cheeks and stars on the Octagon Girls stage
Crypto dot com and Bud Light holding hands
TKO stock in the president's pants
Sixty million dollars, seven agencies deep
While North Carolina can't afford to show up and weep


They starved the real commission, funneled the cash
To a cage fight and a coin with his face on the stash
Eleven-thousand-nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine
For a chunk of gold that's worth half that time


OCTOGENARIAN OCTAGON!
His face on the coin, We the People on the back!
OCTOGENARIAN OCTAGON!
Autopen signed it, he was too busy to sign!
You blinded the pilots over Reagan at night
Sixty-seven died there, but the lights were too bright!
OCTOGENARIAN OCTAGON!
Happy birthday to you, America's gone!


Jane Fonda's eighty-eight throwing a real show
Patti Smith, Bette Midler, five thousand rooms saying NO
While you're in a chair watching men grapple for cash
On ground soaked in marches and blood from the past
They tore up the reflecting pool like it was nothing
Made the Washington Monument your corporate backdrop
You wanted your name on the Kennedy Center too
Judge said "scrape it off" and thirty-five thousand cheered while it flew


OCTOGENARIAN OCTAGON!
We the People are watching you lose!
OCTOGENARIAN OCTAGON!
Your grift's showing, motherfucker, choose!
Bud Light cage, Monster sign, coin made of shame
States walked out, musicians bailed, only the grifters remained!
OCTOGENARIAN OCTAGON!
This ain't a birthday, this is a con!
OCTOGENARIAN OCTAGON!
We're burning it down before the next one!


Happy two hundred and fifty, you geriatric clown
The cage comes down Monday
But the receipts? They're staying around.
OCTOGENARIAN OCTAGON!

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