Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction

Dr. Rob and Tami explore some questions from sex addicts and betrayed partners about trust, intimacy, gaslighting, and disclosure. Dr. Rob highlights the difference between addictive behaviors and sexual preferences, offers a realistic timeline for full disclosure and healing, and explains (again) that there is nothing a partner can do to force an addict to act out. Dr. Rob has written a number of addiction books and explains which one would be most beneficial to whom, and offers additional support options for addicts and betrayed partners. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:29] Does wearing women’s underwear mean I’m in danger of relapsing? 

[5:33] How can I enjoy what turns me on without acting out again? 

[8:20] What turns you on may or may not have anything to do with your addiction. 

[11:05] My partner’s fear of acting out again is keeping us from enjoying sex. How can we move forward together? 

[14:45] You do not want to have sex with someone you don’t trust. 

[15:18] Dr. Rob highlights effective timing of disclosure to begin to restore trust. 

[19:55] In a safe harbor relationship, both partners are committed to healing for a set period of time. 

[21:52] Intimacy is not sex, it is the connection and foundation for healing and trust to be rebuilt.

[22:46] Is a serial cheater who wants an open relationship dealing with addiction or lifestyle choice? 

[25:01] An addict will always cross boundaries, no matter how wide they are or how open the communication is. 

[28:09] My partner is withdrawing from sex again, after years of addiction and healing.  Where do we go from here? 

[33:19] Is it typical for betrayal partners to confuse empathy with manipulation and control? 

[37:25] How can I honor my boundaries while my addict is healing? 

[43:37] Tami’s advice for advanced planning and handling an addict’s love bombing. 

[45:13] Support group for addicts and betrayed partners, and using Dr. Rob’s books effectively. 

[50:01] How will we ever be able to have a healthy sex life again? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “If your attraction does not hurt yourself or hurt someone else or cause harm, and it brings you pleasure, even if you don’t feel good about it, that doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with it.” 

• “You do not want to have sex with someone that you don’t trust.” 

• “Intimacy is not sex, it is the connection and foundation for healing and trust to be rebuilt.”

Dr. Rob and Tami answer some of their community’s questions about addiction, betrayal, and more. In this episode, Dr. Rob explains the difference between intimacy and sex, why certain types of men/addicts cheat, and why the partners’ of addicts often self-blame; but it is completely not their fault. If you’re looking for additional support, Seeking Integrity has a number of free resources for both people with sex/porn addiction as well as their betrayed partners on the Seeking Integrity website. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:45] You can’t control what your addict/betrayer is doing, so you need to protect and take care of you. 

[5:00] If I have sex with him/her, will they stop their affairs? 

[7:30] You deserve to be treated like a person. You deserve to be treated in a respectful manner. 

[11:15] What happens to someone with a porn addiction? 

[15:55] When you detox from porn, don’t switch to other compulsive behaviors.

[20:35] As someone with addictions, you are allowed to ask for a time out with your partner to calm down. 

[22:35] Unfortunately, after you’ve hurt your partner, you can’t depend on them to boost your self-esteem. 

[30:25] Dr. Rob, can you talk more about why it’s ‘not about sex’ when someone acts out sexually? 

[39:50] How long should I go without physical intimacy after a betrayal? 

[44:15] Please, please, please if you’re a betrayed partner, go to the doctor and get a full screening. Addicts lie and you need to take your health into your own hands. 

[50:10] Why do betrayed partners stay with their addicts? 

[55:00] Tami shares a few group resources for betrayed partners looking for support. 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “It’s not about you. It’s not how hot you are, how much weight you can lose, it’s not about any of that. No matter what, they’re gonna act out.”

• “Why would you sleep with someone you don’t trust? If you don’t trust him, don’t let him in your bed.”

• “Sex addicts prove that you can have sex without intimacy.”

Dr. Rob and Tami share what a couple can expect when they sit down and talk with Dr. Rob in person or over Zoom when they are ready to address their infidelity and addiction issues. How do you know if a residential treatment is right for you? What do you do when your spouse still continues to lie to you after formal disclosure? All these questions answered, and more! 

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:45] How long does it take to rewire a porn-addicted mind? 

[4:50] Addicts think, ‘they can’t live without this’ but when they take a pause they realize that they didn’t die. That they can push through. 

[6:45] My husband said he’d be honest about the affairs going forward. This has been a complete lie. Where do I go from here? 

[8:45] Whatever you do, don’t give up on you. 

[14:15] Unfortunately, you may never get what you want from that person. 

[20:25] I fluctuate between me being a horrible person vs. me being a good person that just did a horrible thing. How can I differentiate?

[25:55] I struggle to take ownership. Not sure what I should do? 

[34:25] If you have a question about your spouse’s addiction, write it down. Collect them, and then sit down at a scheduled time and talk about them. 

[37:45] How do you know if residential treatment makes sense for you?

[45:00] What does it mean to do a consultation with Dr. Rob? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “The brain doesn’t get rewired, it’s not a motherboard, but it does adapt.”

• “You’re getting the kind of message that you have to work on your own life and what you want from the other person, you may never get; as much as you deserve it.”

• “Guilt is a good thing. Healthy guilt I made a mistake, I need to go back and fix it. Guilt is good information.”

Erin Snow, Clinical Director for Seeking Integrity, joins Tami on this episode to help talk about the importance of internal and regulation work, while also healing your hurt inner child. She speaks to betrayed spouses who are in love or have grief from loving their addict spouse, and more in today’s episode. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:45] He claims to be sober, but he’s doing nothing to be sober?

[4:00] Men struggle to create intimate bonds with other men. 

[15:50] It takes work to counteract what the brain wants to do. 

[18:15] Most people who struggle with addiction don’t even know what they want at the moment. 

[20:55] Losing a friend is painful. Losing a partner? Even more so. It takes a lot of work to be comfortable in your own skin. 

[22:45] Erin talks about a woman’s retreat and how empowering it can be for women who have addicts in their lives. 

[24:50] These women all share the same pain; loving their addict. 

[28:55] Life isn’t fair, but you can always choose to focus on yourself! 

[29:20] We are separated and in couple’s therapy. I’m in grief. How do I practice self-care on a daily basis? 

[38:20] Sometimes addicts just don’t want to make the decision to leave, so the partner has to do it for them. 

[45:20] A porn addiction has damaged our relationship. How can we reconnect sexually again? 

[53:10] He is addicted to prostitutes. I depend on him and he resents me. How do I heal? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “The most beautiful thing about treatment is men are forced to develop intimate bonds with other men.”

• “So for 20 years you’ve used problematic behaviors and then you magically stop it, and you’re all good? Denial is the biggest component of addiction.”

• “Doing the work is unfair (as a betrayed spouse), nobody should have to do it, but it is a gift to get to the other side of regulation.”

Tami and Scott, the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity, answer some common questions people new to recovery might have. They cover everything from the difference in SA 12-step programs, what to look for, and what types of resources are available for SA-specific individuals and their betrayed spouses. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:45] Today’s episode covers common questions around the 12-step program. 

[3:25] A 12-step program teaches us how to be honest with ourselves and others. 

[3:45] Why are 12-step programs different for sex addicts? 

[5:00] SA and eating disorder programs are different because we have to define our own sobriety. 

[5:55] Scott breaks down the different SA groups you can join. 

[11:40] How do I find the right resources for my specific needs?

[17:35] What should a betrayed spouse look for/do? 

[18:15] What about programs that aren’t 12-step focused? 

[20:20] Remember, 90 meetings in 90 days doesn’t mean you’re magically cured by day 91. 

[29:15] What does it mean to have a ‘higher power’ in a s12-step program? I’m not religious. 

[34:15] I’m a betrayed partner but my husband won’t admit any wrongdoing. What should I do? 

[40:35] Who should my accountability partner be? 

[47:50] When does it make sense to ask my partner about his recovery? I don’t want to know the details, but I do want to know the progress. 

[52:55] His friends are backing him up and I feel manipulated by him. What should I do? 

[56:55] What should you look for in a sponsor? 

[1:00:30] Can betrayed partners also attend a SA meeting? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “Eating disorders are about learning how to eat in healthier ways. Sexual sobriety is about what is problematic for me and what is not?”

• “It doesn’t matter which SA group you go to, just be comfortable and be able to be honest. If you can share honestly and openly and get support, great, you’re in the right spot.”

• “Tami and I are fans of 12-step recovery because that’s what’s worked for us, but there are other options. Explore them!”

Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions from sex addicts as well as betrayed spouses to help them through some of their biggest struggles this week. One question in particular stands out. A betrayed partner has been beaten down verbally by her sex addict. She has been internalizing messaging that his actions are her fault, along with her not being physically attractive or ‘good enough’. Dr. Rob and Tami offer advice for this woman and how she can seek resources to heal from the actions of her addict. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:45] My entire family is dysfunctional. I’m working on it, but as a result my daughter is an anxious mess. What can I do?

[3:50] You have to take care of yourself and set an example for your family. 

[6:25] Does someone need to be in solid recovery for Dr. Eddie’s recovery group? 

[8:05] My addict started accusing me. Sure enough, he’s acting out again with underage girls. What do I do? 

[11:20] Most sex addicts aren’t looking at 12 year olds! This addiction goes deeper into offending behavior. 

[14:30] What resources can I use to help build trust and safety with my partner? 

[18:05] What type of questions should I ask when going to a therapist for sex addiction?

[21:00] Do the feelings of shame and anxiety ever go away? 

[29:20] My SA still has an enmeshment with his mother. She still treats him like a child. Is this normal? 

[33:15] I’m struggling to not take his behaviors personally, despite him blaming me for his actions. How can I heal? 

[39:40] Should the addict be enrolled in two different 12 step programs? 

[44:20] Dr. Rob highly encourages betrayed spouses to get an STD test! 

[45:15] How can I get out of my own narcissism? I lie so much to myself that I believe it. 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “Addiction is a mental health issue. Your daughter needs to be evaluated and supported, regardless of what else is going on in the family.”

• “Mental health is different. Sometimes we have to give a little more, we have to bend a little more, we have to do things we might not do when we’re in addiction or recovery.”

• “We sometimes look at drinking and drug use as a replacement for an anxiety problem.”

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about a young mother of two who is struggling to deal with her acting out and abusive husband. She doesn’t want to break up the family and she’s scared for her future, but Dr. Rob and Tami offer a beacon of hope in what should be some of her next steps.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:05] After a betrayal, when does it make sense to have sexual intimacy again?

[9:35] He’s blaming me for his addiction and he’s relapsed. I don’t want to break up the family, so what should I do?

[15:40] Remember, none of this is your fault!

[20:15] Dr. Rob hates that there’s abuse going on in the home.

[24:35] So many addicts don’t realize that they’ll never find what they’re looking for.

[25:15] He says he’s in recovery. I don’t think he is. I want to secure our financial future. What should I do?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how an addict might be skirting the boundaries with his betrayed wife. Is flirtation seen as an active addiction, especially when the addict does it when his wife’s not around? The 1# thing addicts love is attention and/or admiration. So, they might be a little sneaky in how they get their fix.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:25] She says I ruined her life. Can I salvage this relationship?

[7:45] I don’t have a lot of money. Why is a CSAT necessary for my recovery?

[14:45] I’m acting out online with deep fetishes. Will it eventually escalate to in-person acting out?

[21:55] He says he just loves to flirt and that there’s nothing to worry about. If he’s handing out compliments to attractive women, is that considered “active” addiction?

[28:15] He keeps saying how he wants things to be back to normal. Is this some sort of sick joke?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about why someone might feel uncomfortable in recovery. A betrayed spouse was asked by her addict to join a couple’s support group, but after all the positive praise she was getting, he told to stop going. Dr. Rob and Tami break down how couple’s support groups can be a life-changing and positive experience for couples, but only if they embrace the not-so-comfortable parts of it. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:15] My addict asked me to join a couple’s support group, but after he saw all the support I was getting, he told me to stop going. What’s going on here? 

[9:00] My wife is having trouble believing I can change. How can I show her that I’m a different person? 

[18:25] How can I tell family and friends that we are over? 

[22:35] My husband went behind my back and thinks I’m overreacting. What should I do? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse in her 50s. She has been a stay-at-home mother for 23 years and is having a tough time reconciling the ending of the relationship with her violent addict. Is the relationship really over despite a temporary restraining order? Can this be salvaged? Dr. Rob and Tami weigh in their thoughts during this horrible time. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:25] How do I apologize to my children for being a bad parent? 

[2:45] How do you define recovery?

[8:35] Does sex addiction affect your memory? I swear I can’t remember certain things. 

[15:30] The label ‘addict’ was incredibly freeing for Tami because for the first time, it meant that there was hope. 

[17:05] Should I completely give up hope on my addict? Is it time to separate? 

[19:45] If you can’t do it for you, please leave your addict for the safety of your children. 

[22:00] Please continue to Keep your home peaceful! 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss