Therapist Debbie McRae discusses options for the betrayed partner when the betraying partner is stalling or not fully in recovery. She offers tactics for partners who are stuck in the cycle of fear and uncertainty and are ready to regain control in healthy ways while seeking safety after betrayal. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:05] Common recovery limbo scenarios and what each one means. 

[4:33] Recovery limbo happens when the betraying partner won’t take responsibility for their behavior. 

[7:25] Seven signs that your addict partner is struggling with recovery. 

[9:23] Six strategies for regaining healthy control after betrayal.

[13:14] Setting boundaries for effectively reestablishing safety. 

[21:06] The importance of a healthy support group and self-care in recovery. 

[25:26] Betrayed partners need therapy too. 

[29:21] What to do after you’ve tried unhealthy safety seeking. 

[31:42] The thought of physical intimacy gives me the ick feeling. How can I begin to heal? 

[37:13] Connecting with your spouse about physical intimacy outside the bedroom. 

[39:04] At what in point in recovery is couples counseling recommended? 

[45:05] The value of releasing information in couples therapy. 

[46:11] My CSAT wants to bring my betraying partner into our session. Is that odd? 

[50:45] My partner is an avoidant porn addict, is psychoanalysis recommended? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “True recovery requires that the addict partner have that intrinsic motivation to heal their addiction.” 

• “You have to be, as a betrayed partner, really open and honest and authentic about your boundaries.” 

• “The goal of a boundary consequence is not punishment, it’s creating safety.” 

• “Don’t just identify as a betrayed partner. You have to hold onto you as well.” 

Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the importance of combining sex and drug addictions in treatment and recovery, the danger of staying stuck in the rage phase, and who you have control over in healing and recovery (it’s you and only you!). 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:55] Does ‘vanilla’ porn really affect our relationship? I don’t believe it’s hurting my partner.

[5:53] What are the major differences between sex addiction treatment/recovery and drug addiction treatment/recovery? 

[12:25] The importance of tackling both sex and drugs in addiction treatment and recovery. 

[15:40] I’m stuck in the rage phase - how can I decide to heal or leave? 

[23:05] You cannot drag someone else into healing, but you can heal YOU. 

[27:18] My partner is so ill that I can’t help him anymore. What do I do now? 

[35:24] Why do so many CSATs coddle their patients? 

[41:11] My partner recently uncovered childhood sexual trauma. What should come first - couples therapy or CSAT work? 

[46:48] Can my partner pray his way out of addiction?

[49:35] Write this down - there is nothing I have ever done or am currently doing or will ever do to make my partner act out. 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “If you have a sex addiction, I don’t want you to stop having sex. I want you to do it in a way that’s healthy and honest.”

• “Addiction is not about the behavior, it’s about the function it serves.” 

• “You have the opportunity to choose. You don’t have to stay stuck in this.” 

• “Give yourself the gift of getting the help you need.” 

Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the challenges of rebuilding trust in a betrayed relationship and the importance of focusing on what you can do as a betrayed partner instead of focusing on what your addict partner can’t or shouldn’t do. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:40] My reluctant, betrayed spouse has been gone for a year. How can I approach them about my behavior? 

[6:43] I feel like I’m seeing the world through a different lens in recovery. Is this typical? 

[10:33] How can I better understand my partner’s damage and betrayal trauma? 

[14:04] I think my spouse is lying about his recovery and he failed his porn addiction test. Now what? 

[22:45] What resources are available to learn more about addiction so I can better understand my loved one? 

[27:02] I don’t trust my partner’s CSAT because of my history with unhelpful counselors. What can I do to improve our dynamic all around? 

[33:25] What are some actionable ways I can rebuild trust with my betrayed partner? 

[39:25] What is the best 12-Step recovery program for me? 

[44:05] I can’t stop lying to my betrayed spouse. Is this a slippery slope back into addiction? 

[51:16] My partner has multiple addictions and is compartmentalizing recovery. Is this the best approach? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “If you choose to leave your partner, you don’t do it to make them do something differently.” 

• “While in recovery, we have to look at the world through a different lens.” 

• “Getting sober is not about not doing things.” 

• “If we’re not in recovery, we are not living in integrity. But if we’re willing to change, we can have an amazing life.” 

• “You cannot fix a problem with intimacy and connection and loneliness while the person is still acting out.” 

• “A spouses job is to take care of themselves, their self-care and their boundaries, not to focus on you.” 

• “Being honest takes practice if you’ve been lying forever.”

This week’s conversation features The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler. He answers questions about needs and wants, the role of sex in meeting relationship needs, and what partners can do to feel more securely attached to each other. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:24] Is disclosure always necessary? 

[3:43] People in recovery often aren’t aware of what their needs truly are. 

[6:42] What happens when we neglect our own needs in favor of others? 

[9:36] Babies understand that making demands develops love.

[11:05] The danger of ignoring your needs during recovery. 

[13:55] Is sex a need or is it a tool? 

[17:40] Slow down and figure out how to communicate your needs to your partner.

[22:53] Only one of the four categories of needs can be met in a partnership. 

[27:10] The importance of relational agreements. 

[30:08] Who holds all the cards in our relationship? 

[35:57] I’m doing all the heavy lifting in our relationship, why should I meet his needs? 

[42:10] The underlying needs behind sexual advancements. 

[45:55] What do we need to explore that will feel fulfilling for both of us? 

[49:50] How can I better receive my partner’s bids for attachment? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “Wants and needs are ultimately synonymous.” 

• “Both partners deserve to express and meet needs within the relationship.” 

• “Boundaries give the other person an opportunity to treat me to my needs.” 

• “Slow down and figure out how to communicate your needs to your partner better.” 

• “The only category of needs that you can meet as a couple is relational.” 

• “Without trust in a relationship, you’re going to have a hard time with attachment.” 

In this week’s Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob Weiss answers participant questions about spectrum disorders, personality disorders, honest therapeutic disclosure, and the importance of involving qualified professionals in diagnosis and recovery. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:08] What are the key differences between the compulsion of a sex addict and OCD? 

[6:08] The danger of self-diagnosing personality and mood disorders. 

[11:51] Is the treatment the same for hypersexuality and sex addiction? 

[16:50] How can my partner have an honest therapeutic disclosure if he doesn’t remember what he did? 

[20:23] The importance of involving qualified professionals in recovery. 

[24:46] Am I dealing with a sex addiction or chronic cheating? 

[31:36] How does an addict come to recognize lying and omission of details? 

[37:46] Is it dangerous for my addicted partner to only communicate with their support group via text? 

[39:42] Key differences between addiction and co-occurring mental health issues. 

[42:00] Are all CSATs trained in therapeutic disclosure?

[44:56] How can I support my friend on the spectrum with their addiction? 

[50:06] Is my partner ready for disclosure if he still has active accounts on sex and dating websites? 

[53:23] How can I set healthy boundaries against my partner’s rage? 

[54:42] Can my addict partner stay separated from other addicts so they can’t act out together? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “At the end of the day, even people with obsessive compulsive disorders can get help.” 

• “Often the behavior looks manic, but it’s really addiction.” 

• “Having one positive experience isn’t going to drive long-term change.” 

• “There is zero downside to doing recovery work.” 

• “Stopping problematic behavior is just abstinence, it doesn’t change your life.”

• “Recovery isn’t about stopping behavior. It’s about integrity and doing the right thing.” 

In this webinar, CSAT therapist Jon Taylor offers a high-level overview of Attachment Theory, how it manifests as maturity in a relationship, and how it impacts sex addiction and betrayal trauma recovery. Jon and Tami then answer questions about attachment theory's role in creating strong relationships.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:55] The role of attachment theory in addiction recovery. 

[1:58] The history and research of attachment theory. 

[7:02] Emotions and comfort are not a luxury, they are a necessity.

[8:20] Maturity in a relationship is not making one another responsible for your attachment deficits.

[9:35] Patterns in baseline attachment styles.

[13:20] Recent findings in attachment theory. 

[15:50] What does attachment theory teach about maturity in relationships? 

[19:20] How does attachment style apply to couples in recovery? 

[23:18] Contemplating real loss and forgiveness in recovery. 

[27:40] How can I navigate trauma in a way that doesn’t traumatize my children? 

[29:55] Attachment and personality grow out of temperament, but presentation can change over time. 

[35:04] Attachment explains everything, but it’s not the answer to everything.

[36:10] As a partner, how can I preserve our progress and disengage early in the negative cycle? 

[39:22] How can I overcome my attachment style to create a stronger marriage? 

[43:51] How long should an SA be in treatment before making a long term relationship decision? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “It’s one of the most annoying parts of therapy, but it really does all come back to mom and dad.” 

• “Part of attachment theory is understanding that emotions and comfort are not a luxury, they are a necessity.” 

• “Maturity in a relationship is not making one another responsible for your attachment deficits.”

• “Attachment theory is important but it does not totally dictate how we can and must show up in our relationships.” 

• “For maturity to take place, we have to learn how to control our impulses.” 

• “Attachment explains everything, but it’s not the answer to everything.” 

In this episode, Scott Brassart discusses the addictive nature of sex and pornography, and how these addictions create dysregulation in the dopamine rewards system. Scott and Tami also answer participant questions about the difference between habits and addictions and timelines in recovery. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:10] The dopamine system craves rewards and pleasure. 

[3:41] The danger of manipulating the dopamine system with addictions.

[6:13] Sexual fantasy delivers a high that is much cheaper than drugs, but just as dangerous.

[6:47] As a self-adjusting and self-healing organ, the brain senses when things are going wrong, but addicts respond by consuming even more.

[10:15] The downregulated brain will always win when chasing a higher high. 

[15:26] How long does it take to reset a dysregulated dopamine system? 

[16:12] Rerouting the pathways that addiction creates in our brains.

[19:05] Addicts are so focused on acting out that they aren’t paying attention to what they’re missing out on.

[21:51] People who pass the one year mark are much likelier to stay sober for the rest of their lives.

[23:18] Does the brain magically reset? 

[24:01] Can sex addicts actually change? 

[27:01] My addict husband doesn’t have any problem performing multiple times a day, how is that even possible? 

[27:53] Why do I continue to lie to my partner when I know it’s causing her pain?

[32:35] My addictions and ADHD medication have dysregulated my system. What are my options? 

[34:11] How can my partner keep relapsing when he promises me he won’t? 

[39:36] How can I help my partner who is on the spectrum? 

[40:25] How long does someone need sobriety before they can work on trauma? 

[44:26] Can we incorporate specific sex acts into our relationship during recovery?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “There’s a reason we have a dopamine system. It’s part of our survival.” 

• “The problem with addictions is that we can manipulate the dopamine system.” 

• “For addicts, it’s much more about the hunt than the actual sex act.”

• “We have created a chemical imbalance in our brain through our addictions.” 

• “Addicts are so focused on acting out that we’re not paying attention to what we’re missing out on.” 

• “Once my brain reset I had no interest in going back to the misery.”

• “Addicts chase pleasure as a way of really avoiding pain.” 

Mark Anthony Lord joins Tami to discuss the value of building a better Higher Power relationship, and why that can be a key to lasting recovery.  He shares his personal addiction recovery experience, the joy he feels from being alive today, and how he was led to create the 12-Step Church. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:32] Sex and drugs recovery was the impetus for Mark’s spiritual path. 

[4:47] Learning how to forgive is a critical component of effective healing. 

[6:45] Church can be a place of gathering, healing and community.

[12:55] 12-Step Church offers connection and celebration in recovery. 

[16:45] Recovering addicts deserve more than just being sober, we deserve to be happy and alive on purpose.

[22:48] Details for joining a weekly meeting with 12-Step Church. 

[27:01] Addictions of all kinds are addressed at 12-Step Church. 

[31:03] How am I still alive? The miracle of life after addiction. 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “My entire life took a completely different path because of one little moment.” 

• “There’s always a number of people in recovery in the room at church, but the room wasn’t always designed for them.” 

• “Wherever you are on this journey, that’s exactly where you’re supposed to be.” 

• “We all deserve not only to be sober but to be happy.” 

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Erin Snow answers participant questions about fetishes and triggers – what they are, where they come from, and what they really mean about a person’s sexuality and the likelihood of successful recovery. She also offers resources and actions betrayed partners can employ to empower themselves while they offer support to their addicted partner. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:56] My husband’s fantasy about my sister underlines his addiction to non-consenting victims.

[4:00] All humans fantasize. That doesn’t make all behaviors acceptable. 

[8:00] Do fetishes get more intense from watching porn? 

[10:01] Can we incorporate healthy fetishes into our sex life? 

[12:47] Is my fetish a sex addiction? 

[15:13] What happened in my childhood that led to my fetish? 

[20:20] My husband is defensive about watching teen porn. How can I keep myself and our children safe?

[26:29] I think my partner is protecting his addiction, he says I’m crazy. How can I protect myself? 

[32:10] I’m going crazy waiting for my partner’s disclosure. What can I do to empower myself in this process?

[38:25] My partner is watching barely-legal porn. What does his fantasy say about our reality? 

[45:13] What actions reduce intimacy? My partner doesn’t recognize all of the ways that I’m trying to connect with her.

[50:13] My partner has been lying about his recovery group. How can I reset clear boundaries? 

[52:02] My partner never follows through with his safety plan and is relapsing again. I think I’m done, but where do I go from here? 

[57:10] My partner’s CSAT causally diagnosed me in their session. Now what? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “Fetishes are not going anywhere. It’s part of your arousal template.” 

• “Fetishes are neither good nor bad. It’s just a question of whether you can incorporate it into your sex life.” 

• “Knowing the fantasty and the why behind it is not going to solve the problem.” 

• “For most of us, recovery is literally learning a new language.” 

• “Fantasy life and reality are two very different things that shouldn’t be compared at all.” 

• “We are not going to judge you for staying or for going. But that decision has to be yours.”

In this episode, Scott Brassart discusses the addictive nature of pornography, and why it's such a hard "drug" to quit. Scott and Tami then answer participant questions about porn addiction and recovery support for both the addict and the partner. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Porn, written porn, and ‘not porn’ – all from a porn addict’s perspective. 

[2:47] What makes so appealing porn to addicts? 

[4:20] The two elements of pornography that make it highly addictive. 

[12:45] What is happening inside your brain while watching porn? 

[13:51] Porn, cocaine, and orgasm payoffs, ranked by pleasure levels. 

[16:20] Why do some addicts have a physical library collection of porn? 

[19:38] By escaping, porn addicts miss out on the good as well as the bad. 

[24:48] Should I start using video editing apps to take away erotic content? 

[27:20] What is the difference between porn addiction and compulsive porn usage?

[28:23] Is there anything healthy about sexualizing myself in a performative way? 

[31:07] Is any element of porn usage healthy?

[34:12] As a sex and porn addict, is there any scenario where I could view porn in a healthy manner? 

[38:30] Is sex itself ever going to be satisfying enough for my porn addict partner? 

[42:13] How do I protect myself from rewiring my brain into an addict's brain? 

[45:30] Is my addict partner trying to escape our marriage? 

[48:58] If we have sex every night will my partner stop cheating? 

[50:47] How can I be the best cheerleader to my partner through recovery? 

[52:01] Is watching porn considered cheating? 

[55:10] Resources that focus on grief and loss of porn addiction. 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “If I’m looking at an image to get a physical arousal, it’s porn, whether somebody else would classify it as porn or not.” 

• “Porn addict brains and cocaine addict brains are indistinguishable.  The parts that are over and under developed look exactly the same.” 

• “Addictions are not about pleasure.  They’re about escape.” 

• “There is nothing in a TV show that is worth me losing my recovery.” 

• “There is no ‘just one’ for addicts.” 

• “There is not a partner on the planet that can make their addict not act out if they’re ultimately going to.”