On this Seeking Integrity webinar, Dr. Eddie Capparucci addresses the struggle of many men to show empathy, especially those who have dealt with childhood trauma and emotional neglect. He warns of the dangers of labels and offers insights into the biological and neurological factors that affect empathy. Then he and Tami answer participant questions about empathy in relationships, with strangers, and in and out of the home.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] The link between problematic sexual behaviors and a lack of empathy.

[3:00] Empathy is learned in childhood.

[7:18] When men don't know how to deal with emotions, they shut down.

[8:46] The biological component of empathy.

[12:23] Timing plays a critical role in the development of empathy.

[15:07] Healing the brain and cultivating empathy.

[24:07] Emotionally cold or emotionally dysregulated?

[28:45] Why is my spouse empathetic with everyone except me?

[33:09] Why do I seek stranger validation more than closeness with my partner?

[35:35] My husband had plenty of empathy when courting me. What happened?

[40:50] The neurological danger of viewing porn.

[41:22] Lack of empathy or autism spectrum?

[45:38] Where to find the feelings wheel.

[46:48] Why is it easier to be empathetic with someone who's upset with someone else than someone who is upset with me?

[49:41] Can these same principles apply to women?

[52:00] How will we know when we are ready for couples work?

[55:10] My husband feels judged when I ask him to be accountable.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

● "When men don't know how to deal with emotions, they shut down."

● "Trauma and emotional neglect do not damage every child's empathy circuit in the same way."

● "The brain can heal and empathy can be cultivated."

● "Emotional regulation is recovery."

On this Seeking Integrity webinar, Scott Brassart discusses resilience and healthy coping mechanisms for both addicts and betrayed partners. He and Tami then answer participant questions about handling triggers, understanding big emotions, and addressing supercharged manifestations of shame.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:10] Resilience and healthy coping mechanisms for everyone.

[3:16] 5 practices to build resilience, from happiness to obstacle immunity and staying present.

[11:20] Tools that can help with building resilience.

[15:30] The 3-second rule for sex addicts.

[19:30] The key difference between happy people and the rest of us.

[28:50] Handling triggers like kindergarteners handle fire drills.

[35:00] Understanding the emotions beneath the anger.

[44:01] Blaming others is the easiest form of denial.

[48:32] Manifestations of shame.

[54:00] Good things can happen if you're willing to do the work.

[55:39] How can I address my supercharged emotions?

[1:00:41] Stop problematic behavior, then address the underlying issues.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

● "Resilience is not a tool we are born with, it's a skill we can learn."

● "Of all the tools I've given you, gratitude is the most powerful."

● "Healthy coping skills and resiliency are inextricably linked."

● "Practice using these tools when you're safe, use them when you're not."

● "Big emotions rarely address the underlying emotion."

On this Seeking Integrity webinar, Dr. Rob and Tami answer listener questions about cheating, betrayal, sex and more. They address recovery, disclosure, and setting healthy boundaries throughout the recovery process, and offer a realistic timeline for partners to move from betrayal to intimacy and healing.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] My wife is using my body for sex. Is this just a libido mismatch?

[9:30] Setting boundaries after hearing sex threats.

[12:09] My partner and I are doing everything right. When will the next chapter start?

[18:15] A little about Dr. Rob's books and his editor Scott.

[22:30] Is formal disclosure really necessary?

[25:51] How do we navigate the balance between romantic and sexual connection with the need for space and individual healing?

[28:18] Distinguishing between sexual entitlement and the need for validation.

[34:20] How does ADHD impact betrayal and recovery?

[37:08] My husband doesn't want to label himself as a sex addict. Now what?

[45:37] How can I forgive and move on for my child while still navigating grief?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

● "There is no difference between a sex addict and someone who uses sex to self-regulate."

● "In recovery, you're learning to live life on a completely different plane than you did before."

● "If you want to learn and keep moving forward, you will."

● "You cannot make your partner do anything they don't want to do."

● "Forgiveness is something I do for myself."

On this Seeking Integrity webinar, Dan Drake, Matthew Raabsmith, and Joanna Raabsmith present "Building True Intimacy: A Roadmap to Relational Restoration After Sexual Betrayal." Together they consider how couples can effectively and efficiently move from betrayal and discovery to healing and connection, based on their book Building True Intimacy. They then answer participant questions about recovery, disclosure, and lasting healing.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Introducing Dan Drake, Matthew Raabsmith and Joanna Raabsmith.

[3:23] How do couples heal after betrayal and disclosure?

[5:30] Five key components to restoring intimacy, starting with awareness, authenticity and assertiveness.

[9:16] The power of a foundation of honesty and safety.

[17:32] Regulation and relational safety must be prioritized by the betrayer.

[20:30] Stepping into trust and commitment following betrayed.

[27:13] The value of inviting trusted people into your healing journey.

[31:10] The hallmarks of empathy and vulnerability.

[35:10] Creating community with other betrayed couples.

[36:28] Reintroducing intimacy after betrayal.

[44:55] When does a couple start to feel like they are on the same team?

[49:24] The V.A.S.E. framework.

[51:30] How can the betrayed partner move toward trust after regression?

[56:08] My partner wants to move along without rebuilding. How can we heal?

[58:48] Can we successfully recover without disclosure or restoration?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

● "Am I aware of the direction I'm heading based on the choices I'm making every day in my life?"

● "When I say my values are one thing and I live my life in a different way, I am not showing up authentically."

● "If we don't have a foundation of honesty, we don't have anything to build on."

● "The ability to be present will move us back into the partnership phase of the next level of healing."

● "You have to have vulnerability if you're going to rebuild intimacy in a relationship."

● "What kind of recovery do you want in your life whether or not your marriage makes it?"

Licensed marriage and family therapist Kristin Snowden discusses carried shame and the danger of absorbing a betraying partner's shame-filled life. She offers hope and tools for resiliency so that a betrayed partner can move through their own healing and get their lives and self-worth back again. She and Tami then answer participant questions about shame, addiction, and healing.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:30] Understanding the terms associated with trauma healing, addiction recovery, and carried shame.

[4:37] The importance of knowing your own shame stories.

[5:20] Defining carried shame in a betrayed partner.

[9:36] Every human being experiences shame and guilt.

[14:27] Why do we experience shame?

[18:04] The role of shame in the addiction cycle.

[20:30] The 4 basic shame-filled stories that addicts operate out of.

[26:35] How does carried shame occur?

[38:48] How does carried shame manifest in the betrayed partner?

[39:35] How can carried shame be healed?

[46:19] D-Day was yesterday. What's next?

[48:03] How can I prepare for disclosure as a betrayed partner?

[51:43] How can my wife live with an addict like me?

[57:35] Why is my partner so incredibly defensive and derogatory toward me?

[1:00:00] How can I accept the fact that I may be in a carried shame relationship?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "As part of your healing journey, it's necessary that you really get to know what your shame stories are."

• "Shame has good intentions, but it only drenches you with a painful experience."

• "Shame is a powerful, contagious emotion."

• "Shame lives in the non-language part of your brain. The more you talk about it, the more you can recognize distorted thinking around it."

• "Shame does not get sorted out in an isolated way."

Angela Spearman, CSAT describes "globalized mistrust" as the tsunami of impact on betrayed partners after discovery. But what are the core thoughts and fears underlying and maintaining that tsunami once it gets going? Together with Tami she addresses strategies for dealing with uncertainty, then answers participant questions about betrayal, boundaries, and triggers and more.

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:09] The catalyst for the existential experience and global mistrust.

[5:20] Common questions from the betrayed partner (and what they really mean).

[7:27] Reshaping existential questions to encourage healing.

[11:10] The negative impact of rigid thinking.

[17:45] Complex and overwhelming realities in the world.

[21:00] Flexible thinking as a strategy for hope against cynicism.

[25:32] 3-step strategy for dealing with uncertainty.

[32:17] Processing the things you can't control.

[36:40] I'm spiraling through my shame and I can't support my wife either. Now what?

[42:18] How can I convey my boundaries to my partner?

[47:16] Why did my husband act out in the first place?

[51:26] How can I support my betrayed partner when she no longer wants my support?

[53:29] How do I navigate communication issues due to trauma?

[55:47] Why would I ever rebuild a relationship with someone so despicable?

[59:03] Is my recovery work creating more triggers?

[1:01:08] How does one get the betrayer to stop playing the victim?

[1:04:01] How can I move past feelings of injustice of stolen time and feeling used?

[1:06:28] How do I protect myself from being reinjured until I decide whether to leave?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "In any type of crisis that you go through, you're going to start asking some of these existential questions."

• "We start with a fact and then start forming beliefs and expectations based on things we've experienced in the past."

• "When we stop and pay attention to what our thoughts really look like, it can help us feel more empowered."

• "Hope is energizing. It empowers you."

• "There may never be a good enough answer."

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions about sex, cheating, intimacy, betrayal and more. They explore chronic lying, the power of mindset, the difference between firm boundaries and abuse, and more of the common but painful issues that betrayed partners face.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] I don't want my betraying partner to touch me. How can I show empathy?

[5:42] How can I address our lack of emotional and physical intimacy?

[12:08] Is separation the right next step in recovery?

[13:19] EMDR and somatic experience techniques as tools for moving past trauma.

[18:11] Recovery work is essential in healing.

[21:56] My partner is physically present but emotionally checked out of recovery.

[30:20] Choosing a different path in the recovery process.

[33:16] What is the difference between being firm and being abusive?

[42:22] My partner's lying addiction is worse than his porn addiction. What treatment plan is available for lying?

[46:37] How can I ask my partner about her recovery healing path when she won't open up to me?

[50:05] What is the goal of separation?

[52:00] How can I change my mindset about my slow recovery?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "You might get validation wrong, but doing nothing makes it worse than trying something and not doing it perfectly."

• "You can't work on trauma when you're still acting out."

• "Are you more focused on your pain or your healing?"

• "The recovery battle has more to do with the choices you're making than the things that happened to you."

• "People who are committed to the recovery process are willing to do whatever it takes to be on a different path."

• "You don't have to be hit to be profoundly abused."

• "You cannot remain a liar and be in active recovery."

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Seeking Integrity Clinical Director Erin Snow and Tami consider the reasons that a betraying partner may refuse to admit their shame, whether it's worth waiting a few more days to see if a partner is going to start respecting boundaries, and how to respond to a partner's enmeshment, lying, and childhood trauma.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] How can we get the recovery support we need two years after disclosure?

[6:19] What is too soon for couples therapy?

[9:30] Why does my partner always walk in front of me?

[13:43] Should I wait 30 more days for my betrayer to start respecting my boundaries?

[19:24] Why are so many sex addicts enmeshed with a parent?

[23:35] My therapist can't believe I want to stay with my partner. Now what?

[31:38] How can I hold space for my partner's wounds and trauma?

[38:03] How do I handle my partner's incomplete information about his betrayal?

[45:35] How can I understand my partner's childhood trauma and patterns of withdrawal?

[49:36] Why can't my partner stop lovebombing me?

[53:50] My partner is a sex and love addict, what does limerance mean?

[57:10] "I don't hate myself" – does my partner feel any shame?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "When both partners are stabilized in their own healing journeys, couples therapy is that much more effective."

• "Your partner just wants to walk next to you in life."

• "Are the actions you're taking allowing me to move closer to you or forcing me to move further away from you?"

• "Choosing to stay in a relationship or choosing to go is something that only you deal with every day."

• "Addiction doesn't thrive in honesty. It has to thrive in lying."

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler discuss two types of change – counteractive change and transformational change – and how each one impacts healing. They also consider honesty, manipulation, and lying; and warn listeners of the danger of a partner claiming that they'll never hurt you again.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:57] Defining counteractive change and transformational change.

[4:08] Early recovery almost always includes counteractive change.

[5:33] Honesty is a complicated request.

[9:37] Reflective and dissociative lying are learned behaviors.

[11:49] Trusting your gut around lying patterns.

[17:20] Lying to set boundaries and allow for self-preservation.

[22:32] Is this lie going to hurt my relationship?

[24:40] Counteractive change does not lead to deeper healing.

[29:55] Your partner cannot always be the catalyst for your behavior.

[34:10] Threatening is about control, not about fostering relationships.

[37:28] Trusting your own intuition and getting your needs met.

[41:40] How can I handle my betrayed partner's indignation and anger?

[47:05] How can I respond to my partner's promise to never hurt me again?

[53:18] How can I approach my extremely avoidant partner?

[56:07] My cheating partner was never going to tell me the truth. Now what?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "All lying is manipulative in the sense that you're trying to manipulate the other person to think and feel a certain way."

• "Trust your gut when you recognize a familiar pattern."

• "Sometimes a person can change because they love someone else. Real transformative change happens because they love themselves."

• "No relationship is healthy if it's filled with threats."

• "Even if you could prove that acting out didn't occur, that's not the point. Your intuition is telling you that you have needs that aren't being met."

• "You cannot make any choice in life without accepting a loss."

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and CSAT Jon Taylor consider the implications of two-person psychology and how cheating and betrayal never affect just one person. Jon shares common early recovery mantras as they apply to the two-person psychology filter, then answers listener questions about lying, sobriety, and disclosure.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Mantras for early recovery in the two-person psychology filter.

[3:06] "Focus on your side of the street."

[6:01] Living with uncertainty in your relationship - "He will relapse if he's going to relapse."

[9:15] Whatever you put in front of recovery, you will lose.

[14:08] Does your partner need to tell you everything?

[20:09] "All addicts are…" The danger of broad sweeping statements.

[24:15] "Sobriety will solve all relationship problems."

[29:32] How can I overcome my fear of full disclosure?

[34:55] Should I move out because my partner is uncertain about my recovery?

[39:15] "Don't go to the hareware store looking for bread."

[42:45] My husband altered his disclosure after his lie detector results came in. How can I ever trust him?

[45:57] How much of the past should we spend our time discussing?

[49:12] Are lies of omission typical of addicts?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "You don't quite get the whole picture of healing, change and recovery if you're not thinking in terms of two-person systems."

• "What happens on one side of the street affects the other side too."

• "He will relapse if he's going to relapse."

• "Each partner should be able to explain in simple terms why or why not something should be discussed."

• "Living with intention can only be achieved by two people working on a relationship and constructing it in a co-equal way."

• "Sobriety is a prerequisite to building a healthy relationship, but it is not the mechanism that a healthy relationship is built with."

• "It doesn't have to feel good every step of the way to get a good outcome."

• "You can't have serious safety and security in a relationship if you don't take it seriously."