In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and Erin Snow answer participant questions about sex, intimacy, addiction, betrayal, and more. They consider timelines in recovery, what full disclosure entails, and how to know if your partner is an addict or just a full-blown jerk, or both. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Is this seminar only for partners experiencing betrayal? 

[3:55] How do I know if my partner is an addict or just an a**hole? 

[7:25] How should I define my inner circle behaviors after chem sex recovery? 

[12:09] My wife can’t get over my affair, it’s already been 10 months. 

[19:50] Can I trust that my husband suddenly has no urges to act out? 

[27:10] My husband says he’ll tell me anything that I ask him about. Was his disclosure incomplete? 

[31:52] Do you suggest a 12-Step program for the betrayed partner? It’s not my fault! 

[35:55] Can you clarify between a porn addict and a sex/love addict? 

[44:10 How long does recovery take on average? 

[49:19] Can recovery happen without a formal 12-Step program?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “She’s not going to believe that you’re not sexually attracted to them when she doesn’t believe anything you say right now.” 

• “The action that it takes to rebuild trust takes time.” 

• “You may not be enmeshed in your partner’s behavior, but you are deeply involved.” 

• “What matters most is the quality of the time that you are spending on your own individual work to heal and to rebuild trust.” 

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about sex, intimacy, addiction, betrayal, and more. They offer resources for therapeutic separation, communication at every stage of recovery and reconciliation, and tools for practicing empathy with betrayed partners. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:24] Does my partner need to see a psychoanalyst first to get honest about his past? 

[4:28] What resources are available for communication building in the later stages of recovery and reconciliation? 

[9:17] How can I work to regain trust after recent relapses? 

[13:35] How do I start the amends process with my betrayed spouse? 

[17:43] Why do betrayers have to go to Porn Addiction 101 through Seeking Integrity? 

[22:10] How can I handle my ex’s new girlfriend joining the family? 

[24:30] What does loving detachment really look like? 

[30:51] Can addicts and their partners heal outside the therapeutic setting? 

[34:20] What is the correlation between sex addiction and OCD? 

[36:41] How can I feel safe even though I have forgiven my partner? 

[41:05] What tools can an addict use to practice empathy with their partner? 

[42:25] What resources are available to get CSAT couples on the same page regarding key terms? 

[47:00] My partner’s blameshifting and defensiveness is escalating in therapeutic separation, what should I do next? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “Stop the problematic behavior first, then address the underlying issues.” 

• “I’m never in the later stages of recovery. Recovery is something I will do for my whole life.” 

• “Your living amends happens when you act differently.” 

• “If the worst thing happens, what are you going to do to take care of you?” 

Troy Love and Tami answer participant questions about attachment wounds, shame, healthy boundaries, and the reality that an addict is always going to be an addict. It’s only how they chose to move forward in recovery that will change their life for better. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] My partner betrayed me and now we live like roommates. How can I refine myself whether I stay or go? 

[6:27] How can I stop judging myself for staying? 

[10:01] My wife doesn’t think I’m working hard enough in recovery. Is there a timeline we should know about? 

[17:09] Will I ever be able to live my life without triggers? 

[21:55] Are men and women meant to be in marital couples? It appears to be societal not biological. 

[24:40] How can I engage in healthy sexual activity, without blurring the lines between the patterns of my unhealthy sexual behavior? 

[30:16] I’m not sure my spouse is even sober, which treatment group is right for him? 

[34:03] How can I address the pain of recovery preemptively before I move to soothe by acting out? 

[38:42] My partner is still acting out and even harming others. How can I move forward? 

[41:19] My avoidant attachment style is making connection feel non-exisistent. 

[45:54] Has Seeking Integrity considered having a moderator who is a betrayed partner? 

[47:51] If relationships are so painful, why don’t we tell people that relationships aren’t for everyone? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “Wounds need to be healed regardless of what choice you make about staying in a relationship.” 

• “Every partner wants it to be all better right now, and that’s just not reality. You will always be an addict.” 

• “Shame is going to unravel connection faster than anything else.” 

• “We all have attachment wounds, and they are going to get bumped.” 

Dr. Rob and Tami answer participant questions about rebuilding trust through intimate conversations, ideas for setting healthy boundaries after betrayal, and the danger of an addict swearing that they’re done acting out for the rest of their life. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:15] Current and upcoming resources at Seeking Integrity. 

[3:20] Do sponsees pay upfront or make monthly payments? 

[4:45] Are there agnostic 12 Step programs? 

[8:22] Ideas for connection activities that rebuild trust? 

[16:01] My husband is attending groups to placate me but is not participating. Is this normal? 

[20:04] Setting healthy boundaries after betrayal. 

[21:35] What are the statistics surrounding porn sobriety? 

[24:15] The danger of swearing that you’ll never act out ever again. 

[31:39] You are the only person that can take care of you.

[33:30] Don’t believe an addict when they are love-bombing you.

[36:41] Are 30% of men on dating sites really already married? 

[40:32] Recommended sources for healing the shame of my partner’s betrayal? 

[49:52] Is there a way to engage in self sexuality that would not be considered acting out? 

[53:40] What is the recommended protocol for moving through fallout from a therapeutic disclosure? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “When people come together and try to support each other and find a way to heal as a group, to me, that is a spiritual experience.” 

• “To understand what I’m going through and really listen to me, that is intimacy.” 

• “The only thing I can guarantee is that I’m consistently working on this and I’m committed to it.” 

• “You are the only person that can take care of you.” 

Debbie McRae and Tami tackle ‘betrayal brain’, the intrusive thoughts, and emotional flooding that often accompany betrayal. When the brain is in survival mode, neurological and psychological effects are out of the betrayed partner’s control. They discuss tactics to regain control when the brain is hijacked. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:26] When betrayal occurs, the architecture of the brain is reshaped. 

[4:50] Warning signs of betrayal brain. 

[5:46] Four areas of the brain are affected by betrayal. 

[10:45] Triggers can occur even when the relationship feels safe. 

[12:07] Regaining control when the brain is hijacked. 

[25:37] Self-compassion practices and therapy after betrayal. 

[27:30] The betrayed partner has no control over how the brain is going to react.

[31:41] Keeping regulation expectations simple.

[33:54] Does my PTSD and anxiety make it harder to overcome betrayal brain? 

[40:12] What boundaries can I enact with a sex addict who is breaking the law?

[46:17] Handling abandonment to create safety. 

[49:10] How can I increase my functionality to what it was before PTSD?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “When betrayal occurs, it shatters trust in an instant.”

• “Even neutral interactions that the betrayed partner is experiencing can be triggering.” 

• “The betrayed partner has no control over how the brain is going to react when it senses threat.” 

• “Self care is brain care.” 

Dr. Rob and Tami tackle hard questions about sex and intimacy in the wake of betrayal. They cover the role of a spouse in supporting their partner ‘for better and for worse”, how to set boundaries that take care of you first, and addressing the trauma and intrusive thoughts that often come after disclosure. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:20] Where do personal responsibility and societal norms come into play? 

[7:27] A spouse’s job is to take care of themselves.

[12:30] How can I deal with my trauma and intrusive thoughts about my partner’s acting out? 

[18:56] Acknowledging the level of troubled your partner really is. 

[23:07] How can we connect through non-sexual intimacy?

[30:02] Is it common for people with addictions to seek out others with similar problems? 

[38:42] Does our marriage counselor also need to be a CSAT? 

[41:42] My spouse is refusing a polygraph test. How can I ever trust him? 

[46:50] Should I address porn viewing or obsessive masturbation first? 

[49:47] My partner has been with underage girls. How do I handle this? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “As an addict, I need people to support me and relate to me, but as a spouse, that’s not your job.” 

• “Addicts are not bad people. They’re broken people.” 

• “If I fight my addict, I’m going to lose every time.” 

• “The more questions you ask, the more questions it will bring up.” 

• ‘Express what you need but don’t blame if you’re not getting it.” 

Therapist Erin Snow shares insights into addiction, betrayal, boundaries and healing. She underscores the impact of addiction in the workplace, the importance of setting boundaries after betrayal, the realities of weaponizing sex in a partnership, and why betrayed partners often pursue safety seeking behaviors during healing. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:05] How addiction manifests in the workplace. 

[5:17] My husband is SA genetic – is nature or nurture going to win out? 

[9:45] The intimacy disorder underneath compulsive sexual behavior. 

[11:32] Healthy goals for a successful separation from an addicted partner. 

[17:18] The benefits of a period of separation in the healing journey. 

[19:00] Can married sex addicts use their spouses to act out even if they don’t have extramarital affairs? 

[24:45] My partner threatens to leave me if I don’t give her what she wants. What should I do? 

[25:30] My partner doesn’t like to talk about consequences if he acts out. What can I do? 

[29:45] How can I turn away from shame and toward growth and healing? 

[33:14] Should I report my ex to help keep women safe?

[39:17] Is lying an inner circle behavior?

[45:20] Should I hire a polygraph test to help me heal from my partner's lying behavior? 

[50:49] My partner is not being fully honest in therapy. What should I tell her CSAT to help us both? 

[52:34] Should I stop snooping even though I continually uncover my partner's lies?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “Our willingness to change dramatically shifts when the consequences are more painful than continuing is.” 

• “The person who is willing to stop and turn around and stare that generational pattern in the face and is willing to do the work can break the cycle for generations to come.” 

• “Let each other go, or get a really solid plan together for the time that you’re separated.” 

• “Your boundaries are about what you are going to do, and they require your partner to do nothing.” 

• “I don’t have to have some kind of proof that something is dramatically off to set a boundary so that I feel safer.” 

Therapist Debbie McRae discusses options for the betrayed partner when the betraying partner is stalling or not fully in recovery. She offers tactics for partners who are stuck in the cycle of fear and uncertainty and are ready to regain control in healthy ways while seeking safety after betrayal. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:05] Common recovery limbo scenarios and what each one means. 

[4:33] Recovery limbo happens when the betraying partner won’t take responsibility for their behavior. 

[7:25] Seven signs that your addict partner is struggling with recovery. 

[9:23] Six strategies for regaining healthy control after betrayal.

[13:14] Setting boundaries for effectively reestablishing safety. 

[21:06] The importance of a healthy support group and self-care in recovery. 

[25:26] Betrayed partners need therapy too. 

[29:21] What to do after you’ve tried unhealthy safety seeking. 

[31:42] The thought of physical intimacy gives me the ick feeling. How can I begin to heal? 

[37:13] Connecting with your spouse about physical intimacy outside the bedroom. 

[39:04] At what in point in recovery is couples counseling recommended? 

[45:05] The value of releasing information in couples therapy. 

[46:11] My CSAT wants to bring my betraying partner into our session. Is that odd? 

[50:45] My partner is an avoidant porn addict, is psychoanalysis recommended? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “True recovery requires that the addict partner have that intrinsic motivation to heal their addiction.” 

• “You have to be, as a betrayed partner, really open and honest and authentic about your boundaries.” 

• “The goal of a boundary consequence is not punishment, it’s creating safety.” 

• “Don’t just identify as a betrayed partner. You have to hold onto you as well.” 

Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the importance of combining sex and drug addictions in treatment and recovery, the danger of staying stuck in the rage phase, and who you have control over in healing and recovery (it’s you and only you!). 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:55] Does ‘vanilla’ porn really affect our relationship? I don’t believe it’s hurting my partner.

[5:53] What are the major differences between sex addiction treatment/recovery and drug addiction treatment/recovery? 

[12:25] The importance of tackling both sex and drugs in addiction treatment and recovery. 

[15:40] I’m stuck in the rage phase - how can I decide to heal or leave? 

[23:05] You cannot drag someone else into healing, but you can heal YOU. 

[27:18] My partner is so ill that I can’t help him anymore. What do I do now? 

[35:24] Why do so many CSATs coddle their patients? 

[41:11] My partner recently uncovered childhood sexual trauma. What should come first - couples therapy or CSAT work? 

[46:48] Can my partner pray his way out of addiction?

[49:35] Write this down - there is nothing I have ever done or am currently doing or will ever do to make my partner act out. 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “If you have a sex addiction, I don’t want you to stop having sex. I want you to do it in a way that’s healthy and honest.”

• “Addiction is not about the behavior, it’s about the function it serves.” 

• “You have the opportunity to choose. You don’t have to stay stuck in this.” 

• “Give yourself the gift of getting the help you need.” 

Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the challenges of rebuilding trust in a betrayed relationship and the importance of focusing on what you can do as a betrayed partner instead of focusing on what your addict partner can’t or shouldn’t do. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:40] My reluctant, betrayed spouse has been gone for a year. How can I approach them about my behavior? 

[6:43] I feel like I’m seeing the world through a different lens in recovery. Is this typical? 

[10:33] How can I better understand my partner’s damage and betrayal trauma? 

[14:04] I think my spouse is lying about his recovery and he failed his porn addiction test. Now what? 

[22:45] What resources are available to learn more about addiction so I can better understand my loved one? 

[27:02] I don’t trust my partner’s CSAT because of my history with unhelpful counselors. What can I do to improve our dynamic all around? 

[33:25] What are some actionable ways I can rebuild trust with my betrayed partner? 

[39:25] What is the best 12-Step recovery program for me? 

[44:05] I can’t stop lying to my betrayed spouse. Is this a slippery slope back into addiction? 

[51:16] My partner has multiple addictions and is compartmentalizing recovery. Is this the best approach? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

QUOTES

• “If you choose to leave your partner, you don’t do it to make them do something differently.” 

• “While in recovery, we have to look at the world through a different lens.” 

• “Getting sober is not about not doing things.” 

• “If we’re not in recovery, we are not living in integrity. But if we’re willing to change, we can have an amazing life.” 

• “You cannot fix a problem with intimacy and connection and loneliness while the person is still acting out.” 

• “A spouses job is to take care of themselves, their self-care and their boundaries, not to focus on you.” 

• “Being honest takes practice if you’ve been lying forever.”