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In this episode, we discuss the chapter titled There Is Always Hope.

This is part of a study inspired by Seen – Healing Despair and Anxiety in Kids and Teens Through the Power of Connection by Will Hutcherson & Chinwé Williams, P.H.D. We take concepts from the book each week and apply them to brain health.

Will opens with a story about Hannah.

Will had just finished speaking to 900 students at a middle school assembly. A boy named John approached Will, asking him if he would speak with his friend Hannah. Hannah was feeling down dealing with insecurities. In his conversation with Hannah, Will assured her that she would not always feel this way. He allowed Hannah to emotionally exhale by sharing the hurt feelings she was experiencing. Will encouraged Hannah by telling her that she has a purpose.

Using a few connection tools, Will spoke life into Hannah.

Will acknowledged that his interaction with Hannah didn’t solve all of her problems, but it did give her the encouragement she needed that day. Each of us can play a small part in helping others along their journey.

Each of us can help.

Every caring adult, coach, parent, mentor, pastor, teacher, or counselor can offer hope to others in need.

Please understand that you matter.

We must fight to help kids, teens, and adults. Because we each matter!

The need for kids and adults to show up for one another has never been greater. Kids, teens, and adults are struggling with despair like never before.

Hope is our greatest weapon in the battle against despair.

The important thing to remember is that we don’t need to be perfect.

We need to show up, see them, just listen, speak life, and help them develop grit.

It is important that we have the right tools, but we also need to know that there is grace. When we mess up or say the wrong thing, the good news is there is grace.

Reading or listening to this may have you feeling a bit overwhelmed or unsure where to start.

Will encourages readers to start with one.

Start with one kid, one tool, or one moment. Just start with one.

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[1] Hutcherson, W., & Williams, C. (2021). Seen: Healing Despair and Anxiety in Kids and Teens Through the Power of Connection.

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Chinwé Williams opens this chapter with a story about her first counseling position as a high school counselor. During her time there, Chinwé, two students she refers to, Imani and Dayna. Both of these girls had played varsity basketball the year before but failed to make the team this particular year. The team had recruited new student-athletes to join the team which increased the competition.

Following a few weeks of counseling with Chinwé, she noticed a few things. Chinwé describes Imani as feeling empowered and determined to put in extra hard work to try out next season. Dayna, a lifelong athlete, decided she wasn’t fit for basketball. Dayna fought self-esteem issues that year, while Imani made the team the next time around.

The drastically different outcomes caused Chinwé to ask serious questions.

What caused one student to give up while the other one put in the hard work and succeeded in making the team?

The short answer is resilience.

Resilience can also be referred to as GRIT.

Angela Duckwork, a leading expert on grit, defines it this way.

"Grit is passion and sustained persistence applied toward long-term achievement!”

Preparing for Trouble

Possessing resilience or GRIT does not mean that stress or trouble won’t come your way. Those who have developed GRIT have seen their fair share of trials. They know what it means to struggle or experience distress. As kids and teens grow into adults, it is important for them to see that stress, change, and disappointment are all part of being human.

It is also important for them to see that they can develop strategies and coping skills to face these challenges head-on.

There are studies that show that optimism and flexibility are linked to resilience.

Reframing

The practice or act of reframing negative events is linked to resilience.

What is reframing?

It is a strategy often utilized by counselors or therapists that helps people look at situations or circumstances differently.

Reframing can be used to help people focus on the things they have as opposed to what they might have lost. It can be a helpful tool to help focus on what items are within our control versus what is outside our control.

How can we play this out?

Situation or event:

A get-together was canceled due to poor weather.

Kid or teen reaction:

The child experiences feelings of rejection, withdraws to their room, and feels disappointed, even to the point of feeling angry.

Parental Response:

“I can see that you are really disappointed that you don’t get to spend time with your friends. I know how much you were looking forward to it. I can understand why you would feel that way. Sometimes, when similar things happen to me, it helps to try and look at things differently.”

“What is something we could do, that we might not have done if the weather was nice?”

“We could possibly go to that new movie you were looking forward to seeing. Or maybe we could go check out books at the library? What are your thoughts? Do you have any other ideas?”

Learning to reframe a situation can be an invaluable tool in adapting and coping with life challenges.

As caring adults, mentors, or friends, we can play a crucial role in helping others develop these critical life skills. This is not only helpful for others, it is also helpful for us too.

Be a Safe Person

Helping a kid, teen, or adult feel safe is a tremendous ability. We all experience stress, despair, and times of uncertainty. As a parent of a young child, you will serve as an emotional barometer as they go through situations. A caring...

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Speak Life

Chinwé opens this chapter by telling a story about a girl named Halle. Halle was a 16-year-old high school junior. At first, Chinwé was blown away by the confidence, poise, and self-control. By the end of their first session, she realized Halle was struggling. According to Chinwé, Halle was plagued by negative self-talk.

What Chinwé learned was that while Halle had a wonderful, loving home environment, Halle had experienced relationships where her friend groups ridiculed and ostracized her.

Halle proved a common myth wrong in that many people falsely believe that if terrible things haven’t happened to them, then they have no reason to experience feelings of despair.

Affirm Kids Constantly

Many kids are exposed to an overwhelming amount of critical and accusatory voices around them. What this means is that is more important now than ever for kids and teens to hear words of affirmation.

A Call to Fathers

It is crucial for fathers to know the important role they play in the life of their son or daughter. The words you say mold them and have a life-long impact on their lives.

“If you are the father of a daughter, I have a special request of you: Affirm your daughters. Not just by words and gestures, but by intentional and consistent actions that send the message you are there for them. The research is clear. Fathers play a pivotal role in their daughter's self-image, self-esteem, and body image.”

Spark Purpose and Passion

It can be difficult to know what to say when a kid or teen is in the midst of despair. Kids and teens hold so much potential, yet many times they don’t realize it. As parents, mentors, coaches, or caring adults, we play a pivotal role in the development of that potential. The words we use to encourage and lift up children around us hold great influence on the future of our community.

Oftentimes, in teens, adults can see glimpses of greatness where gifts and abilities have yet to be developed. By recognizing and calling out what potential you see you can provide hope while speaking God’s blessings over their lives.

It is important that adults pay attention to tone, eye contact, and intentionality.

If you find yourself wondering where to begin here are a few tips.

Start out by saying things like:

- “You are amazing!”

- “You are so bright!”

- “I am proud of you!”

It is also important to remind them to whom they belong by saying:

- “God is going to do something great in and through you.”

- “You are fearfully and wonderfully made.”

- “You are a child of God.”

Speaking positive words to yourself can change the way your brain is wired. Following several decades of research, scientists know that the human brain is plastic, meaning it can adapt and change physically and chemically. In Dr. Caroline Leaf’s book Switch on Your Brain, she says that humans can change the structure of the brain through the thoughts we consistently think.

In their book titled Words Can Change Your Brain, Dr. Andrew Newberg and Marc Robert Waldman wrote, “…a single word has the power to influence the expression of genes…”

So despite what some might lead you to believe, our words matter, A LOT!

Get Rid of the Ants

Dr. Daniel Amen came up with the idea of Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) after an infestation of ants in his home. Ever since, he has taught his patients how to get rid of the Ants that are interrupting their lives.

Quick science lesson

Did you know that scientists found that we have an average of 6200 thoughts in a day? With each and every thought, our brains release chemical energy. With all of those thoughts, there are bound to be good ones, neutral ones, and bad...

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I can remember the time in my childhood when, as elementary students, we would have regular time on the playground with our friends. Inevitably, someone in our friend group or another group would say something quite hurtful. Oftentimes, this was the result of being hurt by the action or inaction of another peer in the group. The response from most kids in that generation would go something like this, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

The sticks and stones phrase so proudly held by many kids could not be further from the truth. As kids, teens, and, eventually, adults, we learn just how much words have the power to uplift as well as tear down. When people are hurt, whether by friends, foes, or someone we love, it can easily result in us lashing out at another unsuspecting individual. This occurrence is often portrayed by the popular phrase, “Hurting people hurt people.”

In the book Seen, by Will Hutcherson and Chinwé Williams say that “when we are in distress, our responses, words, and actions may hurt others around us. This makes sense when you look at how the brain is wired.” The specific wiring mentioned here is our internal alert system known as the amygdala.

The Amygdala

The amygdala is the part of our brain that tells us when we might be in danger. When our brain detects danger, it floods the body with a stress hormone called cortisol. This process helps our bodies kick into high gear to steer us out of a dangerous situation.

The authors of Seen say that when a teen is in despair, their amygdala is activated. Likewise, as adults, our amygdala might be activated when experiencing despair. Anytime our alert system is activated, it can be challenging to think clearly.

Will and Chinwé say that this activation of the amygdala creates two challenges.

1. For the person in despair.
2. For the person trying to support them.

Caution

The person in despair will often unintentionally say things that are unkind. This can create a challenge for them and others around them. For anyone around them trying to be supportive, it is important to approach them with empathy. Remember that their words may come from despair, and be mindful not to be triggered by what they say.

Be a Good Listener

When trying to help support someone, it can be challenging to sit and actively listen with empathy.

If you have ever been placed in a room in close proximity to others facing them it can be hard not to try and fill the awkward silence.

In the book, Will describes an exercise where he had a mom and daughter face each other, hold hands, and lock eyes for two minutes. Will describes the first minute as “weird.” The daughter’s shoulders were tense and he describes them as “in a shrugged position.” After one minute, the daughter’s shoulders began to relax. As the daughter began to feel safe, she started to open up.

If this exercise sounds odd, I get it. It illustrates what it can often take to break the cycle of bad listening.

Direct all of your focus on the other person.

Get the other person talking

Avoid trying to fix the situation.

Will recommends:

-Talking less

-Watching your tone

-Make eye contact

Will talks about incorporating eye contact into your daily routine as parents.

Here are Will’s examples:

• When your kid walks into the room, stop what you're doing, look at them, and let them know you are happy to see them.
• Before they walk out the door in the morning, pause, look at them for 30 seconds, and say, "I love you. I believe in you. And no matter what, I am for you!"
• At the dinner table, look into their eyes as they talk about their...

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Will opens with a story about his son, Liam.

He had asked his son to clean his room while he was working in his home office. After a few failed attempts to motivate his son, he tried to incentivize his ask by paying him $3 if he cleaned his room. If he failed to clean his room, his son would owe Will $3. The idea backfired when his son, in tears, brought in his whole piggy bank, begging him to take his money. His son, Liam, felt disconnected from his dad and needed time to reconnect.

Liam didn’t know how to express what he needed and Will acknowledged that he was slow in recognizing the need.

“To lead kids and teenagers, first you have to see them. When they feel seen, you win their heart. Seeing them requires us to look beyond how they behave on the outside to try and understand what they may be feeling on the inside.”

I would take this quote a step further to include adults. We all need to feel seen by those around us. We need others to try and understand what we are feeling on the inside.

Seeing Beyond the Behavior

Anytime a kid or adult faces despair, their behavior may not be what you expect. For someone facing despair, you might see irritability, moodiness, pulling away, or shutting down.

Will encourages readers to ask themselves, "Do I know where they are coming from?"

Will provides these examples:

• What may have happened earlier that day?

• What trust has been eroded from past disappointments?

• What kind of trauma have they experienced from the pain of poverty or a high-crime neighborhood?

• What social pressures might they be facing that we have no idea about?

• What kind of pain are they carrying from the daily reminders of political and social injustice?

• What shame might they be carrying from poor decisions or an abusive situation?

Depending on your relationship with the other person, you may know a lot, but realize that you don't know everything they face.

If you are a coach, small group leader, pastor, or caring adult, you often won't know what they are dealing with until you ask.

The questions above help us see beyond the behavior and empathize with the other person.

See What They Feel

"If you want to get in tune with your kids, you have to see past their behavior and understand what they are really feeling."

According to the book The Power of Showing Up, the best place to begin is to avoid shaming, labeling, or dismissing.

Let's talk through an example. In the book, Will Hutcherson provides a similar scenario.

Your daughter comes home from school and is upset. You learn that she has failed her math test. She throws her backpack down as she walks into the room and begins to cry.

As a parent, there are several ways you could respond to the situation. Your first inclination might be to shame, label, or dismiss.

Let's take a look:

Shaming: "You failed your test?! How could you do that? That was stupid!”

Labeling: "You know you failed your test because you are lazy. If you just worked harder and spent less time playing on your phone or that silly video game, you would have done better."

Dismissing: "No worries. There's no reason to be upset. It's just one test; you'll get it next time."

These responses might seem like the logical thing to say, but can hurt the person on the receiving end.

We often fail to realize that by going straight for the logical, we can unintentionally invalidate their emotions.

When a teen or adult is experiencing despair, jumping straight to logic can "worsen feelings of loneliness or beliefs that no one 'gets them.'"

Instead of...

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A Brief Recap

In our last episode, you might recall that when we become hopeless and disconnected from our emotional state, the two halves of the brain begin to separate. This dis-pairing process is called emotional detachment.

When the two sides of our brain are detached, it makes dealing with the constant flow of emotions difficult.

When kids or adults feel seen, it helps the two parts of the brain come back together.

There are tools that can be used to aid the pairing process.

​

First Pairing Tool - Show Up

If you don’t get anything else, pay attention to this chapter. Showing up is the foundation for all of the other pairing tools.

Why?

“…presence influences healing more than anything.”“In moments of despair, the people we love need our “outside the door” kind of presence. That kind of presence creates safety like nothing else can. It may seem small, but when we show up, the brain responds in predictable ways.”“Remember the parent-child attachment we discussed earlier? Showing up isn’t the goal of parenting; secure attachment is the goal. But showing up is the beginning step to accomplish that goal.”
5 Ways to Show Up1. Show Up Before They Ask You To

As kids grow into teenagers, it can often give parents the idea that their child doesn’t need them anymore. This starts when a child is suddenly embarrassed to have their parent around, and it can feel as though they are pushing you away. It is easy for parents to get offended or hurt and assume their child doesn’t need them.

While it can certainly feel this way, kids often need parents more as they grow into their teen years. It is critical that parents initiate regular, quality time with their teens.

2. Show Up for What Matters to Them

If you do not know what matters to your child, it is time to put on your detective hat. What matters to a teen may not be the most enjoyable activity for their parent. Regardless, it is important to make this process about them.

• Go with them to their sporting activities, dance, ballet, plays, etc.
• Take them to see their favorite musician or band in concert.
• If they’re into superheroes, go to the opening of their favorite character.
• Play video games with them.

This is a time when you show up with no agenda of your own. Simply enjoy time with them.

3. Show Up When It’s Inconvenient

In many moments, it is easy to feel like you are not needed or wanted as a parent. In their time of crisis, real or imaginary, show up. As parents, we have been showing up their whole lives until this point. This season may look a little different, but it is just as important as when they were little.

As kids mature, this might look like staying up late with them or picking them up from a party where they felt uncomfortable or unsafe. It’s important as parents that we show up, especially when it’s inconvenient.

4. Show Up Often

Find ways to be predictably available.

Here are a few ideas:

• Create a “conversation place” in your home. A place that is just for conversations. No phones, no screens, just people.

• Be intentional about creating moments. Be available during drive times, evenings, and bedtimes.

• If there is a time when you start to realize your kids are most likely to talk or open up, clear that time in your schedule.

•Text them occasionally to let them know you are thinking about them or praying for them. (Not to the extent you’re stalking, of course.)

The act of showing up often in predictable ways that are not...

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The Brain

Is made up of two hemispheres and two essential functions.

• Left Brain
• Right Brain

​

Right Brain

Responsible for emotional processing.

This is where the amygdala processes fear and other emotions that activate 'fight, flight, or freeze' during stressful or dangerous situations. It's also the part of the brain affected by parent-child attachment (more on that later).Left Brain

Responsible for logical processing.

The left side of the brain is responsible for logical processing. This is the part of the brain where one's ability to plan and organize takes place.

​

When our brains are calm, the left brain is able to be its logical self.

When we’re upset, the emotional right brain takes over, and we react based on our emotions.

This is true for anyone who has experienced trauma or has an insecure parent-child attachment.

With a healthy brain, the processing goes back and forth between the emotional right brain and the logical left brain.

We were designed by God with a lot of emotions. We’re created with the ability to pass them over to cognitive processing.

​

“our emotions are real, but we have the ability to consider them logically and determine whether or not what we feel is actually true.”

Example

if I hear a loud bang followed by the sound of shattering glass, l'm instinctively going to be startled. My heart rate will rise because my fight, flight, or freeze response has been triggered on the right side of my brain. But let's say I stop and look around. I am investigating (logical) and discover that a picture has fallen off the wall. Immediately, I take a deep breath, and my stress begins to subside.Healthy functioning means we're able to deal with our emotions properly. The problem is when we can't logically process our emotions, something else takes place.

That something is despair.

What Is Despair?The Bible, a text full of descriptions of authentic and raw emotions, references the word "despair" frequently. (We counted 28 instances.)

Their insults have broken my heart, and I am in despair. If only one person would show some pity; if only one would turn and comfort me (Psalms 69:20 NLT).

Despair is what someone feels when they become hopeless and disconnected from their emotional state. Psychologist Mark Goulston describes despair as a 'dis-pairing, where two halves of the brain begin to separate.' This process is also called emotional detachment.

Experiencing stress causes cortisol —a stress hormone-to flood the brain. A constant drip of cortisol causes this detachment or dis-pairing. Understanding this matters because we need our logical processing to be able to navigate our emotions. When the two sides are detached, we can't navigate the constant flow of emotional signals.

​

This detachment explains why those in despair often feel numb. Some describe it like they're experiencing their life outside of themself because it's so difficult for them to identify how they really feel. They can become dissociated from their emotions. The risk of this detachment happening increases when something traumatic happens.

​

Trauma, as well as stresses of life, can cause the amygdala (the part of the brain where fight, flight, or freeze response is located) to become overactivated. This results in all of the emotions building up on the right side of the brain. All the blood flow starts to head that way. The brain essentially goes back to survival mode, and logical processing tends to break...

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Will opens with a story about one of his top students, Tyler.

​

Tyler was a seventeen-year-old student who he described as funny, respectful,

and smart. It appeared as if Tyler had it all together. On the inside,

Tyler was struggling with despair.

“He shared with me the struggle he had to get out of bed some mornings. Despite loving the program and the other students, Tyler had moments of self-doubt. In his worst moments, he even had thoughts of ending his life.”

​

“How does a kid who seemingly has it all together get so down? mean, he has so much going for him, right?

He comes from a good family. Check.

He wasn't bullied as a kid. Check.

He didn't have any significant trauma from abuse. Check.

So, what was happening?”

​

Will was seeing similar things in many of his students. Students seemed to be increasingly disengaged or detached in recent years.

Parents and students approached Will with concerns they had for others.

• "They just don't seem like themselves anymore."
• "They're always down!"
• "She is saying some things that are really concerning me."

​

“...more and more students were feeling paralyzed and anxious when facing resistance or obstacles in life. Students were losing their resilience and their motivation.”

Many of Will’s students were self-diagnosing as being depressed, while others were describing panic attacks or anxiety.

​

Even worse, others were describing their past attempts at suicide while others detailed their future plans.

As Will did more investigation, he found that this was happening nationwide.

​

Statistics

Since 2007 ...

• Suicide rates have increased by 76 percent for ages 15 to 19.

• Suicide rates have nearly doubled in teen girls.

• The highest rate of increase in suicide among all age groups is in kids between 10 and 14 years old.

• Depressive symptoms are up 21 percent in boys, and up 50 percent in girls.

• Suicide attempts among black teens increased by 73 percent between 1991 and 2017, and there is an elevated risk of suicide among African-American boys ages 5 to 11.

• In early 2020, an estimated 1 out of 4 young adults contemplated suicide.

• In March 2020, the Disaster Distress Helpline saw an increase of 891 percent in call volume.

A Time When I Blew It

Will returns to the story about Tyler. He says that he believed in Tyler so

much he thought maybe he just needed a push. So, Will worked with

another program leader to come up with a plan. Together, they executed

the plan, believing they would have a new student in 90 days.

During a church retreat, Tyler experienced a setback. The combination of being

away from family and in a spiritually charged environment caused his

anxiety to increase.

When Tyler tried to share his feelings with a leader, they were dismissed.

Instead of acknowledging his feelings, he was meant with statements like

just trust God and keep praying.

On the second night, feeling uncomfortable and alone, Tyler called his

parents. They drove two hours to pick him up without telling any of the

staff.

Shocked, the leaders said, "Well, we are going to have a hard talk about this!”

The "hard talks" they insisted on backfired. Tyler became resistant, disrespectful, and seemed angry.

A few months into their plan, Tyler blindsided them by telling them he wouldn’t be attending the upcoming retreat.

Will was furious with Tyler. He called him into his...

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"You now have the proper tools to step into the fight and to stand your ground. There will be days when you'll get it right. When you'll trust in your identity as a loved son or daughter of God and when you practice gratitude--taking captive the lies of worry and replacing those thoughts with ones that are pure and lovely. And there will be days you'll feel like you're outnumbered or like you've made no progress in your mission.""Given the length of this fight and the likelihood of the highs and lows, I want to encourage you to focus both on the micro and the macro picture."Micro

This is your today. Right now, in this moment, maybe this hour.

"How can you win the next fight in front of you?""How can I take captive this thought? How can I replace this worry?"

Don't look ahead.

Don't look side to side.

Look up.

Fix your eyes on Jesus.

Win this fight.

Take this step.

Claim this ground.

Focus on the small picture.

Macro

"The war is already over. Jesus has already conquered sin, death, hell, and the grave."

Remember Fear Operating System?

It begins with fear, but remember that Jesus has already defeated fear once and for all.

"It might still prowl around and act like a big, tough lion, but it's hollow. Its fangs aren't lethal and its sting is gone."

“The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'” Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭15‬ ‭NIV‬‬

"For those who have put their faith in Jesus, we no longer need to fall back into fear. We are no longer bound by the ways of this world or the workings of the Enemy. We are freed. And more than that, we're placed into a new family-one where we can, with intimacy, call upon our Father and He will answer."

"No matter what today holds, we can stand assured that on that final day, we will win the war on worry once and for all."

"The macro picture of assurance fuels our micro picture of launching our assault on worry."

"...freedom, hope, joy, peace, and refuge are not only available, but they are also our inheritance."

A Step Towards Freedom"Jesus has given you all you need for life and godliness(2 Peter 1:3). He has already won the war on worry, defeating death, hell, and the grave once and for all."

"As you go from here and venture into your day-to-day, keep these things in mind: Worry is a lie from the Enemy. We can't necessarily stop him from talking, but we can choose who we listen to: the Enemy or our heavenly Father."Remember "Fear can lead to our desire to control, which fuels worry. But God's perfect love drives out fear. When we embrace His love, we move toward surrender and a life characterized by trust."

"As we finish, remember that the peace of God-the one that Paul said surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and your mind (Philippians 4:7). God is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you to Flimself blameless and pure (Ephesians 5:27). You are a loved son or a loved daughter of the King of the universe."

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Description

In this episode, we discuss Who Needs to be Awake All Night. This is part of a study inspired by Winning the War on Worry by Louie Giglio. Each week, we take concepts from Louie Giglio's book, Winning the War on Worry, and apply them to brain health.

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If you enjoyed listening to the podcast, we'd love for you to leave a review on Apple Podcasts to help others discover the show :) https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/overflow-with-craig-booker/id1707602354 

[1] Giglio, L. (2022). Winning the War On Worry – Cultivate a Peaceful Heart and a Confident Mind. Thomas Nelson.