Parental Development

This episode is basically two scenarios that happened in Leah's house this week that illustrate lots of things we talk about on a regular basis. Apologizing, rupture and repair, and letting our kids be who they are.

To apologize, there is no room for justifying our negative behaviors as parents. There can be no, "you made me mad," or " it was because you did...." The ruptures in our relationships are healthy and inevitable. The repair is where the learning, growth, and attunement can happen.

As parents, it's easy to feel bad out ourselves when we lose our temper or respond in ways we don't like, and if we sit in that rupture, it can feel overwhelming. But repairing with our kids helps us all get back to a place of connection, which is a great lesson in relationships for our kids. We both can do the wrong thing in our interactions, but I can only be responsible for myself and take accountability for my own actions.

We talk about this episode again of the For the Love Podcast, and Dr. Tsabary talks about the error we make as parents to try to make our kids into something we want them to be or believe they should be. We just need to get out of their way! Their personalities and ways of being are already engrained into who they are, and our goal needs to be to become their secure base and safe place for growth and exploration.

The goal is to SHAPE our kids, not change them. We want to help them learn how to manage their temperament, personality, approach, thought process, etc. in ways that are constructive and healthy as they age.

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This episode was at the request of Beka, after seeing a TikTok video talking about "attention-seeking" behaviors. It's important to remember that wanting attention is not a problem and is even a biological need  our kids have and has to be met in order for our relationships to be strong and supportive.

If you want other information about connection and relationships, check out the episodes here and here.

Attention seeking behavior changes as our kids age, but the function is always the same: a need for connection and to be seen and validated.

Babies are not purposefully manipulating you with their behavior. We often think that it says something bad about us as parents if we "allow" our kids to manipulate us. They are simply getting their needs met.

Toddlers and early childhood turns into impulsive behaviors, making messes, aggression toward siblings, etc.  We teach our kids how we'll respond to behaviors that inconvenience us throughout their childhood, so they change their behavior to get their needs met based on what they've learned.

Another episode of Jen Hatmaker's podcast talks through this idea even more, understanding that parents don't always know what they're doing and are not always the experts in the relationship.

Pre-adolescence brings new challenges and attention seeking  behavior can be a constant desire for acknowledgement and being seen. They're worried about their peers, academic pressure, wanting to know information, etc. 

And then teenagers often struggle even more: they still need us but want to be independent. They can be internalizers or externalizers, but the function is often the same - wanting to be seen and validated. 

Instead of ignoring the attention seeking behavior - do the opposite: LEAN IN! Give them what they need and work with them to find different ways to ask for and get what they need. Give attention when they're not asking for it in a negative way. 

Telling our kids they can tell us anything means nothing if we've reacted in ways that shut them down, invalidted their experiences, or minimized their reactions. Kids learn  through experiences, not words.

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Why do we continue to use the sticker charts? They're so common and often suggested for parents and teachers, even though we have so much information about some of the negative effects of token economies. This episode talks through this concept and different ways to change behaviors and motivate our kids.

A quote on the CDC's website talks about how rewards make both parents and kids happy. This isn't really our goal or something we seek as far as wanting our kids to be responsible for our happiness or to only be happy because they're getting something they like. 

So many sites also indicate that reward charts and behavior programs increase self esteem. This seems counter intuitive, because it sounds like self esteem is boosted because someone else is happy or because they got something they wanted. 

You cannot have a reward system without it also being a punishment system. If you can earn something, then you have to be able to not get it or lose it, which feels like a punishment. This can cause the focus to be on negative behaviors and compare behaviors to others. 

Behavior charts fail to get underneath a behavior. The assumption is that the kids are making choices to behave badly and they simply need motivation. There is no room to ask the questions:  do they know how to do this? Do they have the skills? Are they regulated enough? Are they safe enough?

Behavior charts cause external motivation and prevent intrinsic motivation, causing kids to appear manipulative, which is also problematic.

Rewards for behavior are particularly problematic when what they can earn is relationships with special people or additional time. This teaches kids that relationships are transcational and love and care is attached to your behavior and if you're naughty enough no one will want to be around you.

Ultimately, CONNECTION is the sticker. Connection is the antecdote and the tool to actually improve behavior.  There is a place to implement boundaries and make sure our own emotional and relational needs are met as a parent, but this can be implemented without withholding connection in response to negative behaviors.

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We were due for a really nerdy episode, so this is it! Internal working models are a common concept in attachment theory and are really critical for how we develop our own beliefs and stories as we age.

The information in this episode comes, at least in part, from this episode of a different podcast.  Internal working models generally mean our innermost beliefs, ideas, and stories about ourselves, other people, and the world. They're developed, at least in part, within the first 3-5 years of life.

Kids change their behavior based on 2 questions: What bring people closer? What pushes them away? They mold their behavior to get their needs met and answer those questions. Most internal working models don't have language to them, they exhib themselves through behaviors. As kids age and develop language, they then attach language to the behaviors they demonstrate, creating 'stories' about what their beliefs mean. 

The way you interact in relationships as an adult is probably how you got connection as a child.

Parents need to be as curious about our own behavior as we are about our kids'. We need to be as kind to ourselves as we are to them and give grace to everyone!

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With spring break traveling and other life things, we decided to replay our episode discussing mental health. We thought it was relevant with everything going on in our world, so we hope you enjoy!

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This episode is a bit all over the place - we cover a listener question about a 4 year old who is focusing too much on a boy in her classroom who professed his like for her. And in a hard left turn, we talk more about mental health in light of the Nashville shooting last week.

So many of us grew up with a focus on relationships - Disney movies, relationships, etc. and we as parents are trying to make sure our young kids aren't focused on these types of relationships and are just learning to interact with peers in a healthy way.
1. Try to understand what they think the words mean
2. Talk about all kinds of friendships
3. Pay attention to the subliminal messages being sent
4. Watch the type of media being consumed
5. Enlist help

Constantly asking about relationships, how many people kids like or like them starts to teach them that their worth is tied to how many people like them or how many girlfriends someone has. This sets our little kids up for unhealthy ideas about relationships, self-worth, sex, and more. The goal is teaching our kids to have healthy relationships. 

And now the shooting....
Those of us in the mental health field get really frustrated with all the conversations about mental health when something like this most recent shooting happen. Different labels get thrown around, solutions get proposed that aren't possible or don't fit with our current system, and really damaging statements get made regarding people struggling with mental health.

Things to consider if you think we should just institutionalize more people with mental health concerns:
1. Where will they go? Does your state have enough beds in mental health facilities?
2. For what are you willing to take away someone's right to freedom?
3. Who decides when someone should be institutionalized?  Who decides when they are released?
4. Who's going to pay for this? Who pays for the professional staffing the institutions?
5. What's the criteria? A diagnosis? Certain behaviors? What will this do for awareness and transparency?

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How do you know your young child is ready for school? What if they don't want to go? How do you handle drop off? We're answering all the questions in this episode!

Find a school you feel good about and examine how ready your kids are to go to school.

Prep, prep, prep: avoid "I'm not going to tell him until the day before so he won't worry about it." This almost never works and misses the opportunity to let them express and it's their big feelings.

Your kids are going to cry at drop off. That's normal and should be expected. 

Don't try to talk them out of their feelings or convince them they're going to love school. Just let the big feelings come. They can be nervous, scared, or sad and get through it. Our job is to help them develop the language and make connections for what happens when they have big emotions but it turns out ok.

Teachers generally know if your child's behavior is different from other kids their age.

Teachers are doing the Lord's work and deserve all our respect and care. You have the right to ask questions or address concerns, but always, always with kindness.

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This episode talks through ways to help your kid with social interactions, coach them on how to be a good friend, and teach them how they should be treated in relationships.

As always, validate their feelings about their peers, even if it's unkind or inappropriate. Give them space to share their experiences, questions, and relationships. 

It's important to help kids take the perspective of others, which can develop new ways of dealing with social problems. Avoid giving directives for how a problem should be solved and instead help them think through situations and develop solutions on their own.

Our behavior impacts others, but we are not responsible for other people's reactions or feelings. This can lead to people pleasing and an inability to put your own needs ahead of those around you.

Never never bad mouth your kid's friends. Attempting to control our kids'friendships doesn't teach them how to navigate all the social problems and learn new ways of interacting.

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We cut last week's episode short, so we needed another one to finish our conversation about expectations.

In last week's episode we talked about the need to lower expectations if our kids are showing us with their behavior that they can't do the task. But what if your kid has done it in the past and now all of a sudden they are refusing or saying they can't do something anymore? There is still a function behind this behavior, and I choose to see this behavior as a CAN'T do as opposed to a WON'T do. This helps me view them in a more loving, compassionate way, as opposed to simply getting frustrated about their behavior. 

We just CHOOSE to assume positive intent. This allows us to enjoy our kids as opposed to always being upset or believing such negative things about them and their behavior. It prevents us from having to chase their behavior and just look for ways to correct them on a regular basis. 

If you have a behavior you're trying to change or an issue you want to address, it is almost always helpful to include your child in this discussion and planning. You can communicate what you want to do and let them give ideas or communicate their thoughts and feelings about how things might be going. Be prepared to explain your reasoning, more than simply, 'because I said so.'

Is there ever a time when digging in our heels to address a behavior is appropriate? For us, that is usually only appropriate if there's a safety issue. If you as the parent are digging in on other behaviors, that is almost always your stuff, your work to do, and your own history coming up within your relationship with your kids.  Our kids are not responsible for our stuff or our work, and responding to them in ways that are out of proportion with behavior and issues, is not theirs to take. This is what breaking generational cycles is really about.

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This episode talks through the expectations we have for our kids, how to make sure they're realistic and look at them differently, through this new parenting lens.

Can we differentiate our DESIRES for our kids from the EXPECTATIONS of our kids. Expectations feel like boundaries or rules, which can lead to the punishment, control, shame, or coercion we're trying to change in this type of parenting.

If we truly believe that "bad" behavior is a lack of a skill, lack of connection, etc. and that all behavior makes sense, then it's impossible to truly expect "good" behavior all the time. It is necessary to lower expectations if we truly believe they are always doing the best they can.

Many times parents shift the way we're practicing parenting (gentle, conscious, respectful, etc.) but we haven't shifted expectations at the same time, which makes it hard to make those two line up, and can lead to more difficulties feeling good about this approach and staying in the new kind of interventions.

Sometimes we come up with reasons for requiring kids to live up to our expectations when really it's more that we just want them to do what we say or think they should do. 

Our kids will tell us, with their behavior, about the expectations we have for them. It's on us to listen to them, get curious about their behavior, and try to determine why they might be struggling consistently to meet certain expectations or follow through with certain tasks. Bottom line: an expectation is unrealistic if their behavior tells us they can't do it.

Becasue we drop the expectations, it allows us to stop chasing behaviors, because we no longer expect near perfection from our kids and can instead become more of a coach and supporter as opposed to a task driver.

Instead of identifying expectations, which are usually an either/or situation, what if we looked at this as goals, which is something we work towards together. As long as we have expectations for other people's behaivor will always leave you feeling disappointed.

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