Parental Development

Neurons that fire together, wire together. It's important that the information we learn is cemented into our neural pathways so we can access it, even during times of stress. This episode talks through the neuroscience and how to strengthen our pathways in this way.

In times of stress, we go back to what we know. When stressed, your brain's only goal is to keep you safe and try to survive. We don't have additional energy to try new things, remember novel information, or learn something different. What always feels safest to us is being in control. That usually means punishment, yelling, manipulation, and coercion.

There's such a misunderstanding of power and control, and we often think that if we allow our kids to have control, that means they take ours or we don't have it anymore. This graphic gives a good illustration of a new concept in this understanding.

The need for control shifts from needing to control my kids to needing to control myself. 

To strengthen our neural pathways:
1. Choose one behavior 
2. Think about it, plan it out in your mind, rehearse a different response, read about it, listen to podasts
3. Put it into practice

Over time, those different neural pathways will start to take over the old ones and make it easier to feel good about the changes we're making and give us a new foundation to build on and add other behaviors.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

We all talk about needing to connect with our kids, but often seem to misunderstand what that means or how to do that in more challenging situations or difficult emotions. This episode talks through ways to dip a toe in their emotions while also pulling them back with us into their window of tolerance.

See Me: really seeing what they're doing, showing interest; imitating play with younger kids
Hear Me: actively listening, listening without correction or judgment; giving space for real conversation
Feel Me: Joining the feeling, no matter what it is; attune to emotions without letting them take you over

To truly pull our kids out of negative emotions or behaviors we have to join them where they are, with a toe in our own regulation, and bring them back with us into our window of tolerance. They can't regulate their emotions just by us telling, punishing, or shaming them into calm.

Regulated does not equal calm!

Different kids have different connection needs. Some need BIG (play, dance, excitement) while others needs small (physical touch, snuggling, calm).
Most of the negative behaviors of our kids is a result of seeking connection or feeling disconnected from their adults. This is why we want to always ask ourselves, "Is this giving them the connection they need? And are there other ways I can give them connection that are more positive, healthy, and safe?"

Some ideas of activities that can promote connection:
Nightly meetings
Board Games
Dance parties
Nerf gun battles
Physical touch
Notes in lunch boxes
Play

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

So many of our kids have fears that are unrealistic and illogical, leaving us so confused as to how to respond, help support them, but move them past their fears in a clear way. This episode talks about all of this, and gives some other information or options to help navigate these issues.

Our kids' fears should be validated, without trying to talk them out of their fear or convince them that what they're scared of isn't truly scary.

Is fear the way kids have learned to get our attention, connection, or attunement? If so, we may need to look at our response as adults to make sure we're not contributing to the fear in some way.

Our kids' fears are often not logical, so we can't make them go away by using logic and reasoning or sharing information.

Play is how kids process and learn and can be a great tool for us to help them work through things that are hard.

The goal is never to make fear go away, but instead to help kids learn the difference between productive fear that keeps us safe and fear that keeps us stuck.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

It's not just sex. It's boundaries, reproduction, puberty, and yes, sex. These conversations are hard for most parents, and we're talking about it all!

Viewing hard topics through our adult eyes can lead us to oversexualize information, when kids do not assign it that meaning at all.

If your kids are asking questions, they need information. Avoid saying, 'you're too young for that,' 'we don't talk about that,' 'you don't need to know that,' or anything similar. Those responses don't make their questions go away, they just let them know that you, as their adult, are not the place they can go to get the answers.

Many of us have been taught that giving information steals their innocence, actually increases the likelihood of the behavior, etc. There is no evidence that this actually works this way, but is often used as an excuse so we don't have to have hard conversations.

Information should never scare us, especially when it's coming from us. Having all the information is the only way our kids can learn to make good decisions and choices and think through their own thoughts and feelings around all kinds of topics.

#1 goal: First, cause no shame! If this is the best we can do surrounding these topics, then we're already making progress and breaking cycles.

If you're looking for resources around this topic, here's a book for boys, and one for girls. We also recommend this Instagram account, with really great information and courses. For younger kids, here's  a great book about touch that can be a great way to start these kinds of conversations.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

This week's episode talks about how to manage bringing a new baby home when you have other kids. This is always tricky, but we have some suggestions and thoughts about other possibilities to make this a little easier.

If you have very young children, even after being prepared, cannot truly understand what having a new baby means or how it's going to impact them and their routine or relationships.

Ideas:
1. Prepare them as much as possible
2. Get them a gift from their new sibling
3. Be honest 
4. Maintain routine 
5. Create baby free zones
6. Involve them in the baby's care

EVERYTHING changes when we bring a new baby home, so we should expect their older siblings to really struggle

You may see a change in behavior for your older kids as the demands of your new baby change.

You can try to structure your time and routine in a way that allows you to have special time with your older child.

Jealousy and sadness about having a new baby in the home almost always come out as negative behaviors.

Regressive behaviors are extremely common because we've taught them that's how you get attention and nurturance. These behaviors are completely appropriate and don't need to be stopped or shamed at all.
1. Baby talk
2. Wanting to drink out of a bottle
3. Want to have a pacifier
4. Want to sleep in your room

Aggression towards the new baby is extremely normal and not a sign of a significant character flaw.  They do not see babies as the most protected class or that they are somehow special and are simply trying to communicate their sadness and upset that their world has changed.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

This episode answers more listener questions, covering all kinds of topics.

When thinking about how to help our kids manage negative behaviors, there is an approach (The Nurtured Heart) that suggests that kids require different levels of energy from us, even when we're praising and validating them. You can here more about this idea in this podcast episode or this book.

The goal in responding to our kids' big emtions is not to make all negative emotions go away. There is growth and power in experiencing hard things and emotions and learning how to survive it and come out of it.  Sometimes the only way to do this is to stay with them and let them move through it. 

Just because negative behaviors are continuing, it doesn't mean your parenting approach 'isn't working' or is wrong. Just like we expect kids to struggle over time to learn to read, swim, walk, etc. we expect them to struggle to learn new ways to manage themselves over time. 

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

The whole concept of this type of parenting is staying aware of our reactions as parents and having some insight into where those reactions come from and how we can make changes to respond to our kids in more healthy, respectful ways. This episode covers a specific example of how Leah is doing that work for herself with her son, and provides some ideas for ways to engage in our own healing work that can, in turn, change the trajectory of our children and our relationship with them.

We all want our kids to be successful, which often has components of academics, finances, careers, etc. It's important for us to pay attention to the messages we got about success and how we're using those messages to put pressure on our kids, even if we don't mean to. When our kids have negative views about themselves, it can be hard to validate their feelings without confirming their beliefs or contributing further to a lack of self-esteem. 

When our response to our kids changes, it is usually a result of our own triggers and childhood messages, and something we need to pay attention to.

It is not the responsibility of our kids to pay the price for our childhood messages, triggers, or trauma. 

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

We're back! After taking a much needed break, we're back to discuss one of the most common diagnoses for kids: ADHD.

There has been a significant increase in the number of ADHD diagnoses over the last 5-10 years, leading us to question: Is it really increasing? Are we getting better at diagnosing? Is there increased awareness? Are we overdiagnosing?

There is an increased awareness that ADHD-like symptoms are often the result of a disrupted attachment, largely due to the brain changes that happen when kids are faced with adverse experiences.

Ultimately, we still want to teach our kids skills and how to manage their difficulties more effectively. Many times, the things we medicate, diagnose, or address are those things that frustrate us as parents.

If you're looking for alternatives prior to, or in addition to medication to manage ADHD symptoms, here are some ideas:

• planners/calendars
• reminders
• recording lectures
• allow use of notes on tests
• extra time for tests/quizzes
• visual schedules/reminders
• sit at front of class
• noise cancelling headphones 
• listening to music
• single step directions

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

This week goes over all the common holiday issues we often face with our kids, including unwanted touch, food, getting gifts, and boundaries!

Overall, let's lower our expectations - our kids are going to be a disaster. Give them (and yourself) grace!

I care more about my relationship with my kids and what they think about me than family members I see a couple times a year.

Kids should be in charge of their own bodies!

If adults get their feelings hurt because a small child doesn't want to hug/kiss them, that says more about that adult than it does about the child. It's not a child's responsibility to make sure the adults around them are comfortable and happy. If you need help with this, try:
1. Develop a plan with your kids beforehand
2. Carry your kids if they're small
3. Keep them close to run interference
4. Respond for them ("she doesn't want a hug right now")
5. Offer an alternative (fist bump/high five)

Do not touch a child who does not want to be touched!

If you're concerned about your kids opening gifts they won't like or not responding in the best way, here are some suggestions:
1. Prep them for gifts and ways they can respond honestly and appropriately
2. Speak for them if they're having a hard time
3. Ask if you can take the gifts and open them at home

If you're giving a gift simply for the reaction and praise/acknowledgement from someone, then that's not really a gift.

A couple thoughts about food:
1. Don't comment on how much or how little they're eating
2. Let them eat everything in whatever order they choose; no dessert only if you eat what's on your plate
3. Use natural consequence and prompt them to listen to their bodies
4. Be prepared for them to only eat rolls

If you feel like you need to set boundaries with family members for the holidays:
1. Understand your boundaries are important and valid
2. Prep family members and what your boundaries are and what your response will be if they're not honored
3. Hold

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

My kid won't stop climbing everything!!! This week talks about a common issue parents face, particularly with young kids, but gives a different perspective on what might be driving this behavior in our littles.

What in the Week - while we want our kids to understand how their behavior impacts others, it's also important to help them understand that they are not responsible for the reactions and feelings of other people.

When all we do is chase the behavior of our kids instead of trying to understand the 'why,' we miss key opportunities to teach what to do when they feel similar ways in the future.

Now on to climbing.....a lot of the boundaries we put in place as parents use safety as the justification. The truth is, though, that our kids are usually appropriately exploring their environment, and our anxiety as adults convinces us they're unsafe, so we intervene.

Climbing is a very normal, typical part of development and kids climb for different reasons:
1. They're exploring their environment
2. It uses different muscle groups
3. It helps develop their sensory systems
4. It helps regulate them

Instinctually, kids know how to trust themselves, and their bodies send them signals when they are reaching their limits of exploration. Their bodies are designed to protect them, above all else.  By overcommunicating our fear as adults, we don't allow them to listen to their bodies in this area, stunting the development of their understanding of themselves.

Our kids are much more likely to hurt themselves in more day to day activities. This source lists these activities:

• Rollerblading or skateboarding
• Playing on a playground
• Trampoline use
• Bicycling
• Handball
• Ice skating

Because climbing helps develop our proprioceptive and vestibular systems, it can also be regulatory for kids who need this type of sensory input. It's important to always look for the reason behind the behavior, and look for ways to meet their need in a more appropriate way, as opposed to simply try to make the behavior/need go away.

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram

Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!
Facebook
Instagram