Parental Development

In this episode Leah and Beka talk about their own parents - what they think about the podcast and gentle parenting, and how this process has impacted their relationship. We also discuss how to navigate relationships with family members who may not agree with everything "gentle parenting" related.

It's important to remember that families of origin have the greatest impact on kids, so even if your children are with other people or family members often, parents and guardians have the greatest influence. You can allow your family members to have their own relationships with your kids, while also setting boundaries around your non negotiables, such as spanking, shame, invalidating, etc.

We continue to believe that our parents did the absolute best with the information they had at the time and what they believed was right. At the same time, we also want to do some things differently based on the information we have now and what we believe is right.

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This episode talks about how social skills develop for our kids, and ways we can support them through that development!

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We believe that lots of people "parent" our kids, even if they're not their parents. This episode talks through some of the considerations  with these scenarios and what to think about if you're "parenting" a child.

It's important to remember that a child's family of origin always has more influence over that child than anyone else, including relatives, peers, or teachers.

We make a distinction between LOGISTICS, like eating, screen time, etc. and FELT SAFETY like sleeping, bedtime, etc. Even if you don't agree with certain parenting practices of a child's parents, you can still enforce your own boundaries and expectations, as long as you recognise that you are not going to make significant changes in their behaviours or routines, especially if you're only with them short periods of time or infrequently.

As adults, we create environments for ourselves that are comfortable and convenient, but often refuse to allow our kids to do the same. As much as you can, you should let kids have control over what they're doing and how they want things to be structured.

We're patnering with the Soothing Snuggler to do a give away!! Check out our Facebook
and Instagram this week for more information!

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This episode talks through the science and practical steps of a young boy who has difficulty controlling his anger, even though he's remorseful for his behavior.

We're patnering with the Soothing Snuggler to do a give away!! Keep an eye on our social media next week!

This episode builds on previous episodes (here and here) that cover basic brain development.  It's important to remember that in a stress response, the parts of the brain that are responsible for learning are not online.

1. Get the lid closed through coregulation
2. You as the adult have to be in a regulated place
3. All of our responses have to communicate safety. If we still send cues of danger, their system will not allow them to become regulated.
4. Include your child in the response - what happened? What did you tell yourself? What do you want us to do differently? How can we help you?
5. Focus on building interoception and skills

Punishment does not change the nervous system into feeling safe.

Why do we automatically think the worst of our kids? Instead of seeing them as bad, naughty, disobedient, why can't we see them as having a hard time, needing help, or struggling?

Behavior is a developmental process, just like walking, talking, and reading. Struggling with behavior should be met with them same encouragement and grace.

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So much happened this week in Leah's family, we needed an entire episode to talk through it all!

1. Follow up on a talk about weight, body image, health
2. How to give your kids opportunities to safely make mistakes instead of just saying 'no'
3. How to respond when your child swears
4. How to respond to self-harming behaviors

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This episode talks through how to talk about weight changes, health, and body image with our kids.

How we talk about our bodies and the bodies of others sets the stage for how our kids think and talk about their own bodies. It's important to pay attention to the subtle messages we're giving, even inadvertently. 

When there are noticable weight changes, be careful about how you talk and ask about the changes, being intentional to avoid placing judgment on the change - "you look great," "wow, you've lost a lot of weight," or "you look so healthy!" Our culture values the way people look and their body size, which can set our kids up to develop really unhealthy body image and self-esteem.

To combat a child's negative body image or eating habits: 1. Stop all comments about anyone's body and 2. Focus on and praise their character: honesty, kindness, loyalty, curiosity, humor, etc. We want our kids to learn that their worth is only tied to who they are as people  not what they look like or how thin they are.

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As our kids head back to school,this episode gives some tips and tricks to make this time of year a little less stressful and little more connecting with our kids.

To help with the stress associated with back to school, try these things:
1. Prep - give them as much information as you know - what will drop off/pick up look like? Who is their teacher? What will their classroom look like? What is their schedule for the day?
2. Forecast - Forecast different scenarios - what's it going to be like to see your friends? What might you say to them? Which parts are making you the most nervous? What will you do if you disagree with your teacher?
3. Follow-up - Talk through their day. Compare how they were feeling about things with how it actually went and help them make those connections.

Give your kids as much control as possible going back to school - let them wear what they want, take the lunch they want, etc.

Above all else, validate their feelings of anxiety, fear, and excitement and help them work through those big feelings in a healthy way!

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There has been quite the dust up in the Gentle Parenting community over the last week, which triggered Leah enough that she needed to talk about it!

There seems to be a real misunderstanding of the meaning of the phrase "validating emotions." To validate simply means to ACCEPT. It doesn't mean all emotions are right, positive, feel good, etc.

At the same time, emotions are different than thoughts. While we always want to validate the emotion (I'm sad), we don't necessarily have to validate thoughts (no one likes me). Emotions aren't something we can control, but they also don't have to control us, and it's important that we help our children learn the difference. This is done through teaching though, NOT through minimizing, punishing, or dismissing emotions.

If you struggle to believe that emotions should be validated, ask yourself this question: Do you always validate happiness? Is happiness always true and right and good in your house?

If happiness becomes the only emotion you accept, validate, and allow, your kids will believe that is the only way they can stay in relationship with you and that people only want them around when they are happy, even if that's not how they are truly feeling.

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In this episode Leah  does her own work, in front of everyone. Illustrated by an interaction with her 9-year-old,  she works through her own history and how it impacts her responses to her own children.

We often assign very negative intentions, motives, and behaviors to our kids when they are incredibly young, setting the stage to maintain these negative beliefs about them as they age.

The messages we got as children seems to determine the negative attributes we assign our kids.  As a child, if we were taught that we had to listen to adults because they always knew better, and if we didn't we were labeled as disrespectful/sinful/ungrateful, then those are thoughts we will very easily have about our kids when they engage in the same behavior.

Even when I can recognize how unhealthy my childhood messages were for me, those same thoughts are almost automatic when my kids engage in negative behaviors.

Traditional parenting puts all the burden on our kids, focusing soley on how they behave and what they did that was inappropriate. This type of parenting flips that on its head and recognizes that how we respond and react as parents is actually what impacts the nature of those interactions and our relationships with our kids!

When we think we're not able to do this type of parenting because we keep getting triggered and respond in ways we don't want to, we believe: "YOU'RE DOING IT!" The process of being triggered, responding, and assessing how it went and how we want it to go differently, is how you do this and start to make changes!

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Now that we've encouraged you to stop using physical punishment, this episode gives specific ideas related to other discipline techniques.

We talk through specific questions from parents about what to do to address back talk, sucking fingers, damaging property, and more!

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We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to [email protected]!!

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