Parental Development

This episode covers a listener question about how to stay calm and regulated when our kids trigger us, including trauma triggers.

It's first important to differentiate typical triggers that bother us as parents and those that are related to traumatic memories.  Typical behaviors that challenges us as parents include whining, hitting, throwing things, etc. and we talk through some ideas on how to address that behavior.

Trauma triggers are something different, and create a response in our nervous systems that makes it much harder to manage and respond appropriately.  Ultimately, a trauma response happens when your system and brain believe you are in danger, so safety and survival are the ONLY goals.  Sometimes this can lead to a flashback, which is not just a memory, but a re-experiencing of a traumatic experience. When this happens, any parenting is challenging, particularly this style of parenting that requires increased insight and regulation.

It is understandable and to be expected for parents to have to remove themselves from difficult situations whenever they are triggered. Some steps to help in these situations:
1. Leave the situation to regulate
2. Return and connect
3. Hold the boundary

A few extra tips to get regulated and activate your vagus nerve:
1. Gargling
2. Humming/Singing
3. Massage
4. Put cold water on your face
5. Deep, audible breathing

You can find more information about these activities here, here, or here.

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This has been the most asked question we've ever received: How do I get my partner/spouse on board with this style of parenting?

Research has demonstrated there are generally four different types of parenting, based on differing levels of demandingness and responsiveness. Research has also shown that an authoritative style of parenting generally leads to the most positive outcomes in our children, such as school achievement, social skills, depression, delinquency, and more.

Leah does a deep dive into a research study that looks at the impacts of parents having different styles, and how that impacts various outcomes for children.  This study found that families with 2 authoritative parents had kids with the lowest levels of depression and highest levels of school commitment. This suggests that the effects of authoritative parenting is amplified when adopted by both parents.

It's important that parents are on the same page about important topics and styles of addressing behavior and responding to their kids. This is important not just because of the research that 2 authoritative parents are best, but because we don't want our kids to learn to triangulate us to get their way or pit us against one another.


If you're struggling with your partner and different styles of parenting, try to understand their concerns or what they're afraid of and start to talk through what agreements you might be able to reach together. Then, try to determine how your partner is motivated; by emotions (share your why, use stories) or logic and reasoning (share research, statistics, books, podcasts).

Ultimately, give your partner grace. This is a huge shift that goes against many societal norms and requires shifts in thinking and understanding, whihc can take time and may not look the same for everyone.

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In this episode we answer all your potty training questions!

Potty training can be confusing and overwhelming as a parent, and something that can lead to judgment from others if our kids don't do it at the "right" time." The average age kids are potty trained is 27 months, but is typical anytime between 18 months and 3 years old.

It's important to wait to see some signs that your child is ready to start potty training, such as:
1. Interested in the whole process
2. Ability to tell you before or after he's gone
3. Desire to imitate others

Sometimes when parents introduce the potty chair when kids are 2 or 3 yeras old, it causes a lot of fear and avoidance of the entire process. Some suggestions to address this include:
1. Introdoce the potty chair as soon as your child is mobile
2. Put them on the chair before and after every bath
3. Celebrate every small victory (dance party, singing, praise, etc.)

Conversations about potty training often lead to questions about toileting issues, such as ongoing bedwetting, sneaky behavior related to toileting, smearing feces, etc. It's crucial that toileting issues do not receive consequences, other than natural consequences, such as helping clean up the mess, take the sheets to the washing machine, etc. Toileting problems are often the first sign of emotional distress for our kids, suggesting they don't have the ability to or don't feel safe enough to communicate what is going on with them or what they're feeling in a given situation.

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Separation anxiety is a normal developmental stage for kids, usually peaking around 18 months and resolving between the age of 2-3. Sometimes kids struggle with separation for a longer period of time or in ways that make it difficult to leave them regularly.

In this episode, Beka and Leah talk through ways our kids struggle with separation, ways to help them work through that process, and the importance of preparing them for upcoming separation. At its core, separation anxiety is a fear that you won't come back, so giving them more information as far as what is going to happen, when you'll come back, etc. can help lessen the anxiety and stress associated with separations.

Small steps you can take to help your child who struggles with separation
1. Forecast EVERYTHING!
2. Start with very small separations (10-15 minutes)
3. Validate all emotions at separation and reunion
4. Hold the Boundary

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In this episode we talk through the importance of sleep for us and our kids, and how to promote better sleep habits.

Sleep hygiene is important to set the stage for positive sleep behaviors and prepare our minds and bodies for sleep, making that transition a little easier. This includes monitoring food and drink intake before bed, limiting screens, and making sure beds are only used for sleeping; not punishment.

Sleep training is often a big argument in the parenting world, and there are many models and suggestions out there, making it hard to know what to do. Listen to this episode or this episode for more information on the importance of attachment and how to keep this in mind when considering sleep training your kids.

For more information on sleep, check out this podcast episode with sleep expert, Dr. Matt Walker.

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Tantrums can be one of the most challenging things to manage as a parent. They seem to come out of nowhere and can feel almost impossible to stop. This episode talks through some of the science behind tantrums and what parents can do to try to manage them a little better!

It's important to remember that tantrums are a healthy, normal part of a child's development. They allow young children to express their feelings and learn new ways to manage them, even when the behavior that comes with the tantrum is frustrating and overwhelming for us as parents.

To help navigate tantrums a little more effectively:
1. Manage yourself first
2. Don't try to stop it
3. Validate emotions
4. Stay present
5. Hold the boundary

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In this episode we talk through perfectionism, anxiety, and school pressures. The way we react to our kids as it relates to grades, performance, and school sends subtle messages about how e value those things and what it means if our kids perform well or struggle in these areas. If kids believe that their performance is tied to their worth, then problems can lead to shame and other negative reactions.

Like many other aspects of parenting, how we view our worth or success impacts how we respond to our children. It's important for us to look at ourselves and determine our own values around these issues and make conscious decisions about how we communicate those values to our children, in a supportive, unconditional way.

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Schools often struggle to implement discipline in a way we would support, and it's challenging as a parent to know how to advocate for our kids in their classrooms and with their teachers. In this episode, we respond to a text message from a mom seeking help in how to approach her daughter's teacher and address some concerning discipline practices.

Using food to manage behavior can create all kinds of negative relationships with food, eating, our bodies, etc. and this is particularly problematic if kids have experienced any kind of food insecurity or poverty.

The research on the positive effects of recess are clear - you can see some examples here, here, here, and here! Particularly for young kids, the effects of physical activity, social engagement, and time outdoors is crucial for their development and learning important skills such as regulation and peer interactions.

Leah has lots of experience working with school districts, teachers, and administrators, and gives some suggestions on how to try to partner with your child's teacher and school, sharing your concerns and the research we have on these topics, while also requiring different strategies be used when disciplining your children. It's imperative that those of us with the resources and abilities, advocate for our kids, which in turn will help those kids who may not have adults in their lives supporting them and advocating for them!!

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In this episode, Leah uses relationships depicted on Cheer to illustrate how attachment patterns show up in adolesence and early adulthood. Children with attachment disruptions early in life often grow into adolescents and young adults who struggle to trust reciprocal, intimate relationships. This can lead to them running from the relationship, making accusations, and avoiding any semblence of connection.

Parents of teenagers often imply that they don't have to worry about attachment, or they shouldn't pay attention to it because their kids are older and that has already been set. Beka and Leah talk through ways to promote healthy attachment as our kids enter adolescence, a time when they are supposed to be moving away from us as parents and becoming more invested in their peer relationships.

Rewiring of our kids' brains is ALWAYS possible, often through corrective experiences. This takes lots of effort and time on our part as parents, to start to show them that as we respond to them differently, they can trust our reactions and that these new behaviors are legitimate. This process of rewiring their brains is critical in our belief that it is never too late to start a different way of interacting and being in relationship with our teenagers.

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In this episode, Beka and Leah talk about the goals we have as parents, and how our response to our kids either align with those goals or not.

If we can start to view our kids' behavior as an opportunity we have to teach them new skills, as opposed to think their behavior is bad, annoying, etc. we can respond differently and create improvements. There are lots of sports analogies in this one, illusatrating the importance of giving our kids chances to "shoot the free throw" in order to help them develop the technique necessary to actually make the shot.

This is an important conversation and reminds all of us about the need to celebrate the small wins and progress, regardless of where we're starting as a parent and how hard the progress seems to achieve. We're doing the best we can, and that is GOOD ENOUGH!

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