Parental Development

This episode has a whole lot of vulnerability as Leah and Beka demonstrate what it sounds like to unpack some of the subtle messages we receive as kids and start to figure out how we can resolve them to make us better parents.

It's possible to believe you had a good childhood and want to do some things differently in your own relationship with your children. Both things can be true. In order to make decisions about what messages you want to keep and what you want to do differently, it requires self-awareness and a determination to bring everything out into the light, even when it's uncomfortable.

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On this episode we talk about what is the responsibility of our kids, how we teach them accountability, empathy, respect, and kindness, while also making sure they understand that they are not responsible for the thoughts, feelings, or behaviors of another person.

Beka and Leah talk through their own childhood experiences and the subtle messages that can create beliefs that their feelings and wants are not as important as other people's, and that other people always come before them.

As parents, we all want to teach our kids to be kind, empathetic, thoughtful people, while also wanting them to trust themselves, learn how to say no, and not feel responsible for everyone around them, to their own detriment. This is often a tricky balance to strike and one that requires a lot of thought and intentionality.

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On this episode Leah talks through a situation that happened within her family that illustrates some of the principles that guides this style of parenting. They talk through the difference between shame and guilt, and the importance as a parent to recognize when our responses to our kids can lead to shame, which is incredibly damaging to them.

Much of the time, when we are incredibly angry with our kids or struggling to manage our own emotions, it is our own "stuff" coming up and about something bigger than our kids' behavior. Reacting during those moments limits our ability to teach, train, explain,  and support our kids into better interactions and behaviors.

These topics lead into a conversation about their own childhood, messages they received, and how those messages show up in their adult lives. The messages we get in childhood, about how we are 'good,' stay in relationship with people, keeps me safe, etc. these become engrained in how we interact with others and the world and what we think about ourselves. Understanding some of this information can be informed by the Enneagram, which is designed to help identify those messages and how they show up in adulthood.

Leah and Beka also discuss the importance of being honest with our kids regarding situations that are going on, using appropriate language, making sure our kids have the correct definition of the words we use, etc. These conversations can lay the groundwork for more serious conversations as our kids grow up!

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Navigating technology and what guidelines to place on our children is one of the most challenging parts of being a parent! In this episode Beka and Leah talk through the different stats on the typical age kids are given a phone, how much time they spend on the phone, and how some parents choose to monitor (or not) their use.

It's important parents understand different apps that are out there and how to monitor them - this might be a good place to start! Here's an idea for a family smartphone pledge too!
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Exposure to pornography may be one of the most dangerous aspects of smart phones and technology for our kids. Here are some startling statistics, that might help parents recognize the importance of talking to their kids about these topics. If you're not willing to talk to your kids about these incredibly important topics (sex, pornography, masturbation, etc.) someone else will!!

Additional data resources:
Common Texting Abbreviations
Wait until 8th Pledge
Options for non-smart phone devices

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Foster Care is such a crucial part of our system, to keep kids in a family setting when their family of origin is unable or unwilling to keep them safe at a certain point of time. It's also critical that the way kids in foster care are parented does not reinforce the negative beliefs they have about themselves, the world, and other people, which we talk about in more detail in this episode. The primary goal of foster care is to show kids that adults can be trusted, will be consistent, and follow through on what they say they are going to do. Whether you feel compelled to be a foster parent or not, there are many ways you can show up for the kids in your community!

More information about foster care:

1. This is one of the best videos that depicts what it's like for a child to be removed from their home, how they use their behavior to test relationships, and struggle to trust the intentions of the adults in their life.
2. Learn what it's like to be in the foster care system here
3. Check here or here for more information on how you might be able to help!

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This episode is a little different and discusses the mental health needs we have as parents, our kids' mental health, and how we can best support ourselves and them, particularly as the pandemic continues to impact us. Leah discusses her experience with anxiety throughout the pandemic and Beka talks about feelings of depression she also struggled with.

For many of us, as we navigate virtual learning with our kids, try to manage our work responsibilities, worry about our health, our kids' social experiences, and more, our mental health suffers and we often don't pay enough attention to it until it's too late. We have new statistics regarding the impact the pandemic has had on mental health and substance use, making this an even more important topic.

The Attorney General recently brought attention to the mental health crisis happening with our kids and teenagers since the pandemic began. In children and adolescents, depression can sometimes look different - irritability as opposed to sadness; physical aches and pains; sleep and appetite changes; and suicidal thoughts. We talk through various ways to support your kids and responding in a way that validates them without reinforcing some of their words or behaviors. 

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In this episode, we continue our discussion about attachment, talking through the four different types: Secure, Insecure Avoidant, Insecure Anxious, and Disorganized. Our attachment pattern is with us for life, and influences how we parent our children.

Attachment at its core is about safety, security, and trust, and Leah and Beka talk through how the different styles influence how we view other people and the world and what we believe about ourself! Our conversation moves in to how we support our kids' attachment and what it might look like when they need more from us or are seeking attachment. They often try to get their needs met in different, at times strange ways!

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In this episode, we FINALLY talk about attachment, Leah's first love and truly what guides everything she does as a parent and a person.

Attachment is a reciprocal relationship between people and begins to develop in utero and continues throughout childhood, but particularly in the first three years of life.  As we respond to our babies in distress, we start to hardwire their thoughts and beliefs about themselves, other people, and the world around them.

Over time, our responses to our babies change, largely when they become mobile and develop language but remain incredibly important to continue to teach them that they are safe, people will take care of them and protect them, and the world is a safe place in which they can develop, explore, and grow.

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In this episode the sisters discuss one of the most common questions we have heard - how do I start this style of parenting? This approach is simple, it's not easy - and here are the steps Leah and Beka identify that can help start this process and make small, meaningful changes.

1. Stop anything that uses fear to control behavior (threats, punishments, physical discipline)
   • Fear cannot coexist with Safety and Connection - we want to choose safety and connection!
2. Pay attention to yourself
   • What are your triggers?
   • Don't parent out of guilt
   • Start with your body - posture, tone of voice, facial expressions, interaction style
3. Go back and listen to our first few episodes to reinforce our principles 
   • Adjust your expectations
   • Accept that you cannot control your child's behavior
4. Start Small
   • Choose one or two behaviors to start to address
   • Think through how you might respond differently
   • Practice, Evaluate, Practice more
   • Stop punishing, start disciplining

Broad suggestions:
Get into Community
Commit to try this for 6 months to a year
Give yourself grace
Develop a plan for the naysayers in your life

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This episode talks through the difficult topic of sexual abuse of children; sharing some difficult statistics.  To start to think about how to protect our kids and teach them that they are in control of their bodies and their level of comfort matters, Leah gives suggestions to start conversations about body autonomy.  While "stranger danger" is commonly how parents talk to their children about safety, the data shows that most abuse is perpetrated by those in close relationships with children.

Understanding that body autonomy and choice does not just happen when our kids become teenagers, it instead needs to start when our kids are young. In addition to this resource, Leah talks about the importance of teaching our kids that they do not have to hug, kiss, or be near people they're uncomfortable with. This can help build the skills of listening to their 'gut' and coming to believe that we as parents will always validate and listen to how they want their body to be interacted with and make sure they feel safe and connected in the process.

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