Parenting Paused

It's an emotional skill to be present with your child as they experience their emotional waves without trying to rescue them.

The waves are the content of what is happening within the context of discovering who they are in their life, the ocean. The way emotional waves work is they first arise as sensation and feeling, then as story, and then finally behavior.

Likely, you weren't taught the art of riding your emotional waves so it is challenging to ride your child's. Most of us were taught to control them, especially when they manifested in "acting out" behavior. In parenting, we generally concentrate our energy on the "acting out" part.

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Parenting is a skill-based job on the practical level. We actually have to change the diapers, feed them food, drive them here or there, and we also show our children certain skill sets that will help them along. It makes sense that we would need emotional skills also and yet where do we learn these? Tune into this episode for more about growing up emotionally. www.purejoyparenting.com

Have you heard the term emotional intelligence? When I was growing up I learned to prize the values of mental intelligence- especially as academic, and even physical intelligence or prowess, and yet was taught very little about emotional intelligence. Becoming a parent, however, revealed to me that emotional intelligence was something I was sorely lacking. In this episode I offer some support on how it is possible to emotionally grow up! www.purejoyparenting.com

As a parent, are you ever confused by the advice of the 'experts'? I know I sure was! Even though I was so clear that focusing on my own internal experience was the path for me, I still had this secret hope that somehow my child's behavior would change. Ha! On a deep intuitive level, I knew that going inside was for my well-being, and not to get my child to behave, and in hindsight, I can see how that realization took time to develop. Honestly looking at my motivation was eye-opening. It wasn't so much about my daughter, what I found out was that that I didn't want to be my mom. Tune in more to learn a new way to understand your own limitations and how to set some healthy boundaries! http://www.purejoyparenting.com

Picture yourself tired, hungry, or worried, sharing your angst with a spouse or a friend and they start trying to fix or change you with their agenda. How do you behave? Do your words come out kindly. Perhaps you even say things you actually don't mean trying to get them to back-off. You've descended into what Dan Siegel calls the downstairs brain, or the amygdala, as opposed to acting from the more rational "upstairs" brain. Expressing from the primal brain is signally a threatened state. Your words are the weapons used to take out the perceived threat.

Tune into this episode for more!

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Clearly, when facing reality I recognize parenting is often challenging and messy, and yet there is still this little niggly fantasy that at some point I'll transcend the pain and glide through life feeling peaceful and loving. My attachment to pleasure over pain gets me and I find myself circling back around to controlling my daughter. Do you have these fantasies? Tune into this episode for support in working with them. Visit Purejoy to sign up for the Free SafeSeat Course!

Conditioning through our upbringing and culture is a given. Unconsciously we take the deep divisions and dislikes we feel inside and about ourselves projecting them outwards, especially onto our children. Projecting my stuff onto my daughter, she becomes the location of the disliked parts in me. When I perceive something is "wrong" with her I believe I am helping her if I can work to change her behavior. The truth though is I've been conditioned to believe I am "wrong" when I perceive that behavior inside myself. I've seen myself through the foggy glasses and therefore take out my pain on my daughter. Visit the Purejoy website for more!

Do you ever find it hard to let go of control? I didn't fully experience how controlling I am until becoming a parent. Have you noticed this as being true? Loving the feeling of being in control, naturally, I have a daughter who mirrors the same. Control battles ensued when either of us felt emotionally threatened. Getting into a dogmatic attitude of 'my way or the highway' triggered her big time. Of course, there was a benefit to my controlling stance for she got to practice her inner strength fighting and trying to get control back. The drawback was I wasn't living in reality and was projecting my past onto the present. I was believing my early conclusion that I wouldn't be OK if I wasn't in control. Visit the Purejoy Website to learn the SafeSeat practice!

Do these words sound familiar? "I can't let my kid…." As in "I can't let my kid stay on the computer for hours", "do her homework while listening to podcasts", "eat only pasta seven days a week". Going to that place, which we all do, of looking at the reality of what is and then making a judgment about it happens in an instant. But those moments I think "I can't let my daughter stay on the computer all day", she IS on the computer. That is the reality. Tune into this episode to hear how to meet your child where they are. Visit the Purejoy Parenting website for more support!

When feeling discomfort in relation to your child - they are on the computer too long, you won't get to be on time, or they refuse to eat your well-balanced meal - lean into and underneath the discomfort. Instead of feeding the mental ideal of how things are supposed to go, take a moment to put yourself in your child's position. How would you behave if you were totally immersed in something - your work or even a movie - and your child walks in, demanding you to stop what you are doing RIGHT NOW, telling you in so many words that you are a disappointment if you don't. What happens inside? Would you feel like cooperating in meeting their needs? Tune into this episode for more on Trying To Do It Right! www.purejoyparenting.com