pieceoCast – Pieceoplastic

LISTEN:

DOWNLOAD: But Then There Was Music – And Love – A Selectah J Mixtape [177.0 MB – 01:13:12 – 320kbs]

TITLE: But Then There Was Music – And Love

My last three mixtapes were all about noise, how it drives me nuts and quite often makes me suicidal. As such, suicidal ideation has plagued me for many, many years. I have never made a secret of this.

Why would i?

There is nothing wrong with having these types of thoughts, especially in the fucked up world that we have created, with this way of life getting imposed on everyone.

No one gets to live in a different way. It’s capitalism, individualism, extractivism etc. all the way down, dude, all the way down to the bitter end.

Fuck that.

To be honest, i often wonder how anyone, who seems to be awake, could not have thoughts like these, at least some of the time.

Of course every actual suicide is tragic, a sad event for those left behind. Especially when young people decide to leave. But in many other cases suicide is an informed, even a reasonable choice.

No worries, i am not about to kill myself. Yet. There are still a few things that make me hold onto life. Just about.

There is of course music (hence these lame mixtapes) and love (this one is yet again dedicated to you, my love).

And there used to be other things i enjoyed. Like sex (but that now often hurts, plus we have entered the age of the pandemic, the pandemicene). And dancing (but now i only last a few minutes). And drugs (but i can’t indulge in them because i have an addictive personality). And gardening (but that is impossible with this fucking back pain). And swimming in the river in the summer (but the water is too warm now, plus too many loud assholes cramp the space). And cooking good food (but my favorite foods tend to activate my mast cells).

Indeed, it’s now just music (that can offer a brief retreat from all the noise, until the tinnitus kicks in) and most of all it is love (that makes everything still worth it).

Not hippie dippy love. Fierce deep, passionate, all-inflaming love.

But enough words.

For my last three mixtapes i wrote this long ass essays, that i am sure no one read.

This time i’ll just let the music do the talking.

A quick note on the music:

The new Boards of Canada album was obviously a huge inspiration to create this mixtape. There is some anti-war stuff in there, because fuck war. I am pretty happy with the way i was able to mix old and new music, switch between genres. The whistling section came out pretty good, i think. In voice samples i used many that are about music and its effects it has on us.

A quick note on the cover:

The covers were inspired by a drawing i made as a child, when i was maybe five or six years old. The title of said drawing is: a girl dreaming of a beatle. My talented partner, beautiful lover and all around amazing human being then created these fun puppets.

So there it is.

[Please consider supporting these artists, by following the bandcamp links (if available) below, August 7th 2026 is bandcamp friday]

TRACKLIST:

1. Aphex Twin – Avril 14th

SAMPLES:

COVER: Created by the wonderful Fr3nzIn3 thanks a loveofmylifeillion.

SUBSCRIBE:

COPYLEFT:

I release all my work, the DJ work as well as all my other coding and creating, under a creative commons license, hence i treat this material as if it was under CC license. I attribute it and i do not use it for commercial gain. Don’t try to sue me, i am broke anyway.

All rights remain with original right holders. this mix makes fair use of copyrighted material. this mix is distributed non-commercially only.

LISTEN:

DOWNLOAD: Your Noise Is My Slow Death – Part 3 | Slow Death [186.2 MB – 01:13:12 – 320kbs]

TITLE: Your Noise Is My Slow Death – Part 3 | Slow Death

//cw: mention of death wish and suicidal ideation

“How can I speak of sensitivity when so many are pushed toward bare life? Is this really a time for picking up signals, for listening to those who perceive subtle shifts? Isn’t it all a blaring alarm?”

~ Eleni Stecopoulos – Dreaming in the Fault Zone (as are all other quotes unless stated otherwise)

I’m the first person to admit it. What i am doing here is pretty strange. To write an essay about silence, noise, sensitivity, hyperacusis and the pain, anxiety and suicidal ideation associated with it. And to then accompany it with a mixtape. In other words, with more noise. What an absurd idea!? But there you have it. I must be pretty strange.

Why do i even bother to publish my desperate plea? I am well aware that this blog has (almost) no readers. I am also certain that by now (almost) everyone thinks of me as a whiny loser, as someone who keeps complaining about their first world problems.

I have no clue why i do it. But i can’t not do it (and end up wasting tons of time on it).

But this is the end of this series. Promise.

What i will say is this. That my suffering is real, existential even (first world problem or not). That i lack the stoicism to suffer in silence (ha!). And that by posting more whiny crap online i only add noise to the noise (ha!).

The internet, already a noisy place, is where my plea for support goes to die.

#@@$$%$$@@#

So anyway. In parts 1 and 2 of this strange essay/mixtape series i attempted to lay out the problem i have with noise and noise pollution. How Long COVID has made my preexisting hyperacusis exponentially worse. Furthermore i hope that i was able to show how this is not only my problem. Up to 40% of humans suffer from (some degree of) hyperacusis, with several well known thinkers and philosophers affected. Many of the other species of animals, with whom we are supposed to share a planet, suffer because of all the noise we humans impose on them.

In the third part of the series, i try to look at possible solutions. Ask the questions, who is going to support us–the noise sensitive—with this structural problem? Is noise sensitivity even a topic getting discussed? The short answers: (almost) no one will support us. And nope, both noise sensitivity and noise pollution are non-starters and in many ways almost taboo topics.

In my lived experience as someone who is bothered by noise, (almost) everyone finds me annoying. They think of me as a party pooper or, in the best case scenario, ignore me.

In short, a person who suffers from noise is on their own.

Done.

You can stop reading now.

#@@$$%$$@@#

In reality things are much worse. Belittling or ignoring me would be harmless reactions, compared to what actually happens. In reality i get gaslit, shunned, ridiculed, shamed, and, increasingly so, provoked or trolled. I hesitate to add the word tortured to the list, even if i could make the case. Some of my current neighbors know full well how much they make me suffer, deprive me of sleep, prevent me from healing etc. Yet they continue to inflict their noise on me, with gleeful sadism.

What everyone, and their dog, keeps telling me is that i should “just be more tolerant”. As if there was a magic button somewhere to help me achieve this feat. As if i simply messed up my “tolerance” settings. As if i wasn’t already yelling the same thing at myself. All. The. Fucking. Time. “Just be more tolerant. Ignore your suffering, your lived experience. Put on a brave face. Don’t be so pathetic. So goddamn weak” on and on and on and on. The self-gaslighting is strong.

However, their idea of tolerance only ever cuts one way. I am expected to be tolerant of them, of all the noisy people around me, and never once complain about it. In return no one is meant to be tolerant of me and my needs (for more quiet and consideration). It is not helpful that i struggle to keep my problem a secret. Which makes me an easy target, a freak, someone who ends up getting blamed for everything. They sure seem to enjoy to make me suffer. No really, you should see the smirking expressions they make. They love it, the passive-aggressive fucks.

It drives me into utter despair.

#@@$$%$$@@#

“Poet George Quasha has called healing “radical listening.” Public health calls for acute perception of differences in the effort to remake a society where all thrive. This is how aesthetics matter to equity.”

Whenever i have this type of a problem—one where personal meet structural issues—i turn to my (former) radical leftist comrades, in the hopes of finding some support from them, or at least some understanding, solidarity.

After all, considering how many people suffer under the noise (which late stage capitalism imposes on all of us)–the disabled, neurodivergent, chronically ill, elderly, and many others–it would be easy to understand noise pollution/sensitivity as yet another discriminatory issue, one almost on par with racism, sexism, classism etc. To not address such a systemic issue—that effects everyone, by the way, whether they are aware of it or not—surely must be read as a form of ableism.

But the radical left does not give one flying fuck about this issue. Worse yet, in regards to noise the radical left not only has an enormous blind spot, they are also some of the worst offenders, when it comes to ridiculing those of us who are disturbed by their noise, and who dare to voice it. They try to shame us into smithereens. With arrogant glee, motivated by their able-bodied supremacy.

Sadly this is no surprise. In the ongoing pandemic the radical left continues to display their most disgusting ableism (at least here in Europe). My former comrades were among the first to rip their masks off, to plan superspreader events. They continue to be among the worst, when it comes to protecting vulnerable comrades. And some “anarchists” even went as far as joining nazis at the anti-masking protests. They joined the enemy in their puerile anti-state stance.

Nope. No support to be expected from that side. Radical leftists are no longer a reliable network for someone like me. There are too many ableist assholes among them.

#@@$$%$$@@#

If you are chronically ill, and/or maybe old, disabled, neurodivergent, and you crave (or for health reasons even need) more peace and quiet in your life, forget about it. You should never even mention it. Because if you do people, will turn around and blame you instead. For not being “tolerant” enough.

As if tolerance was even an issue at play here. Since when am i meant to be tolerant towards someone who inflicts pain and suffering on me? What kind of twisted logic is that?

Of course we need to show tolerance for people. Of course we can never discriminate against others based on their gender, skin color, sexual preference, class, provenience or whatever. Of course we aim to create intersectional movements. But speaking of which, where is the tolerance for the disabled, chronically ill, neurodivergent and our special needs?

When they tell me to “just be more tolerant” what they really mean is “be more tolerant of our noise and our inability to act in consideration”. When they tell me to “live and let live”, what they really mean is for me to “live and soak up all their noise, like a sponge, and never once complain about it. Or get shamed, shunned or ridiculed”.

As such, tolerance has been turned into a weaponized term. Tolerance for who? To protect who? Why? When? How? These are the questions that we should ask. But very few do.

As a weaponized term, tolerance only ever protects the loud people, the brutes, the reckless. So you can fuck right off with that kind of “tolerance”. What we need is solidarity, a willingness to care for, to protect the most vulnerable. Including those who suffer under the capitalist noise imperative.

Hold on, before anyone huffs themself up, of course there needs to be a time and a space for loud, raunchy, nihilistic fun, for party, for noise. I used to love those as well. But i am convinced that it is possible to organise wild, and even loud parties in ways that are not an imposition on those others, who for whatever reason do not want to (or cannot) join.

In cities there could be designated party areas, maybe surrounded with noise protection. Apartments in that area would only be rented to work-related units. At night, it’s party time. I might even join, should i ever find the spoons again to do so. Or what about headphone parties?

Okay, this clearly needs more thought. But i think it’s possible.

As it stands people throw their noisy parties anywhere they want, in forests, on beaches, in every corner of the city. They do not give one damn about the people that this might disturb, rob of their sleep. They dish their noise out, anywhere, no matter what surroundings. Many make money throwing these parties. How sleepless neighbors deal with their noise? Somehow not their problem.

How is that a sustainable model? How can it be fair that only those who are insensitive to noise deserve a good life or a good night of sleep? How can it be acceptable that i lay awake every weekend, kept awake by techno beats from somewhere, or other, in the vicinity?

The main reason why it makes me suicidal to even thinking about these questions is because i see no way how this might ever improve. The situation is out of control, and only getting worse.

Bluetooth speakers are everywhere. On remote beaches. In nature. River rafting. Hiking. Hoping to find some quiet in nature? You can be sure to encounter some asshole with a bluetooth speakers in their backpack, who thinks that blasting loud music into the landscape is acceptable behavior. And if you dare to address it, they will laugh in your face (i have tested this for you).

#@@$$%$$@@#

How about practical solutions?

Some people might be tempted to ask “have you tried …”.

Yes. Of course i have tried every*fucking*thing. In fact i have spent lots of money on white noise machines (that i like), on noise cancelling headphones (that i hate, because they make me claustrophobic, plus i hear my tinnitus better) and on a number of other devices, gimmicks or what have you. It’s an entire industry by now. There are apps, gadgets, miracle cures. Most of it bullshit.

Not only do these items cost money to purchase, that i am somehow meant to front, energy to run, at yet more cost for me, but they are not an actual solution. At best they are “a technical solution for a social problem”.

What would make an actual difference is dialog. Consensus-building. A veto-right. But forget about that.

In the hyper-individualised world that we have created, people prefer to act out their every whim and shame those who ask them for consideration. By doing so they pander to a tried and tested blame-shifting mechanism. For all systemic issues, individualise the responsibility. Neoliberalism is now everywhere.

A bit more consideration from my neighbors and I wouldn’t need to fire up the white noise machine every fucking night, not waste so much fucking energy, which makes me feel guilty. But as it stands i need to do it in order to find at least some sleep. Sleep-deprivation is still a form of torture.

Another technical solution would be pills. Which sometimes i do indulge in. But pills come at a price. They have side effects, can lead to addiction, yadda yadda. And big pharma is rubbing its greedy hands.

The flow of the seasons could also be helpful. A loud summer, when people want to spend more time outside, would be made bearable, if it was followed by a calm winter, when people stay indoors. But our neighbors scream at each other on their balconies all year long. No down time ever, and it’s only getting worse. My trusted white noise machine will soon run out of settings.

In short, some technical solutions can indeed help. A bit. But why should they be needed? Why can’t there be mediation and compromise instead? Why can’t we create a society where everyone can thrive (and not only loud brutes?)

#@@$$%$$@@#

“To hear one must be silent”

Recklessness makes me angry. But where am i meant to go with this anger?

In this clusterfuck of a predicament, in a hyper-individualised, capitalist, consumer culture, what i am meant to do with my anger is to swallow it. I am meant to play it cool. Never show any weakness. Because any weakness will get exploited. Trust me. The trolls have moved offline as well.

Every once in a while my frustration gets the better of me and i act out a little bit. I slam a door or let out a frustrated howl. But that only backfires. Their acting out gets worse after, because they now feel justified.

This is why i restrict myself. I never listen to loud music, avoid making any noise, tiptoe around the apartment, close windows and doors as quietly as possible. Because if i don’t—and i am speaking from experience here—neighbors will use this as their excuse for revenge noise.

I try to set an example, hope to inspire some people to behave with more consideration. But that never happens.

To be honest, in my opinion loud brutes are egocentric assholes. But it goes far beyond that. They are anthropocentric supremacists.

Anyone who has ever been in nature knows this. Let’s say you enjoy a quiet moment observing the birds or other animals. But the birds go quiet, the foxes disappear, the beavers dive under the water as soon as the loud people (with their dogs) approach. Nature goes into hiding. They hide from the brutes that we call humans.

Only in a civilisation, where meat is sold in the supermarket, wrapped in plastic, can the human species behave like this. I hate to sound like an anarcho-primitivist here. But humans, who behave like loud brutes in nature, only show that they have lost all connection to and all respect for nature.

#@@$$%$$@@#

I feel petty writing this. That’s by design. Shame is the tool that keeps people like myself silent. My internalized gaslighting is a constant. But this goes beyond me and my personal experience. It’s a cultural thing. In our hyper-individualised world no one is willing to tone down their noise for, say, a sick, suffering neighbor. They pay rent or own the place, so they think that they can act out however they want. Never mind that i, next door, can’t live the way i want.

All this leaves no space for people like me. If i think about this problem in terms of individual freedom, it feels impossible to solve it. Because certain attitudes are mutually exclusive. My individual preference for peace and quiet gets cancelled ten fold by the loud people around me.

Loud assholes dominate every conceivable situation. It’s the survival of the loudest (a variant of the “survival of the fittest”) out there.

The only solution is to go deaf (which is what my noise sensitive mother has recommended to me).

Or to die.

Death will be peaceful.

Your noise is my slow death.

“Sensitivity is suspect to a masculinist society that mandates constant productivity and disembodiment.”

A quick note on the music: As you may have noticed, this series of mixtapes featured lots of tracks by Boards of Canada. The covers (that my amazing partner designed) are also inspired by a BoC aesthetic.

I decided to do this, because after more than twelve years without a new album, i started to give up hope. I wanted to create an hommage, or maybe a farewell, or maybe an invocation, by using some of my favorite tracks.

Little did i know, that since then BoC has announced their new album Inferno, WHOOPEE. I can’t wait to hear it. Exiting times. I hope i can somehow survive until release day.

So there it is.

[Please consider supporting these artists, by following the bandcamp links (if available) below]

TRACKLIST:

1. EL-P – Marooned

SAMPLES:

COVER: Created by the wonderful Fr3nzIn3 thanks a infinitelovillion.

SUBSCRIBE:

COPYLEFT:

I release all my work, the DJ work as well as all my other coding and creating, under a creative commons license, hence i treat this material as if it was under CC license. I attribute it and i do not use it for commercial gain. Don’t try to sue me, i am broke anyway.

All rights remain with original right holders. this mix makes fair use of copyrighted material. this mix is distributed non-commercially only.

LISTEN:

DOWNLOAD: Your Noise Is My Slow Death – Part 2 | Noise [146.6 MB – 01:00:00 – 320kbs]

TITLE: Your Noise Is My Slow Death – Part 2 | Noise

On this day in 1993 i had the fantastic fortune to kiss the most beautiful woman that i had ever seen.

#$$$@@@$$$#

“Sensitivity signifies an exception that might be assigned value as social power, sacred dispensation, or creative gift. It can also lead to vulnerability, disablement, and condemnation. Sanctified and stigmatized. Asset and liability.”

//cw mention of death and suicide

In 1851 Arthur Schopenhauer published a short essay called “Ueber Lerm und Geräusch” (literally On Noise and Sound, it gets usually translated to “On Noise”) in which he laments:

“Certainly there are people, nay, very many, who will smile at this, because they are not sensitive to noise; it is precisely these people, however, who are not sensitive to argument, thought, poetry or art, in short, to any kind of intellectual impression: a fact to be assigned to the coarse quality and strong texture of their brain tissues. On the other hand, in the biographies or in other records of the personal utterances of almost all great writers, I find complaints of the pain that noise has occasioned to intellectual men. For example, in the case of Kant, Goethe, Lichtenberg, Jean Paul.”

The elitist and biologist (if not eugenic) undertones in this quote sound horrendous today. But when i first read this essay by Schopenhauer, it must have been sometime in the 80s, it did put me at ease somehow, to know that i was not the only one and that even some great writers and thinkers suffered from all the noise. The reverse of his elitist claim is of course easily disprovable. Not all people who are sensitive to noise turn out to be great writers, or even thinkers, which anyone will notice who reads this clumsy attempt at writing a coherent text.

Compared to the noise pollution that is imposed on us today, it seems almost quaint to read how for Schopenhauer the most “disgraceful” of all noises was the whip used on horse carriages. “It deprives life of all peace and sensibility. Nothing gives me so clear a grasp of the stupidity and thoughtlessness of mankind as the tolerance of the cracking of whips. This sudden, sharp crack which paralyses the brain.” Makes me wonder how Arthur would fare in our time, with leaf blowers as one symbol of the omnipresence of the internal combustion engine?

In 1908 Theodor Lessing published “Der Lärm – Eine Kampfschrift gegen die Geräusche unseres Lebens”. In this a much longer manifesto, or diatribe, he writes:

“All this terrible rioting, this incessant roaring, booming, whistling, hissing, snarling, hammering, rattling, knocking, shrieking, screaming, and raging, with which man [sic] tends to accompany all actions, arises, just like language and music, from a vital necessity. Therefore, any struggle against the noisy side of life would not advance us one step further if we did not first probe the psychological underpinnings in which all this noisy roar of life is necessarily anchored. For the most beautiful music as well as the most terrible noise, the purest religiosity as well as the most incomprehensible mysticism, the poetically transfigured love as well as vulgar sexual obscenity – they all have their roots in the very same place, in the same profound depth of the human soul. Only the rescuing, nourishing layers of soil through which these spiritual root forces burst forth from the same seed, color and transform, dull or purify their essential nature, so decisively so that in the end, in one place in life, a delicate, otherworldly heavenly flower emerges, while in another, a disgusting, shameful hermaphroditic plant rises up.”

Lessing goes on to puzzle about Mozart and John Stuart Mills, who both apparently were able to work unperturbed by noise. Which sounds similar to John Cage (whose quote i used in part 2 of the mix series), who claims to love silence, but associates silence with the sound of traffic. All i can think is, good for them, i guess, to then alongside my pal Lessing continue to suffer from the disruptive and at times disabling force that is unnecessary noise. Towards the end of his Kampfschrift (there is no satisfying translation for this) Lessing offers a despairing inventory of the way noise gets treated in the law–which would be a statist solution for a social problem (which i, for one, would not want this problem to be solved by repression).

Lessing ends his pamphlet in quiet despair:

“In short, I don’t know what will happen, nor how it will be. But there will certainly be noise [how right he was about that]. I will no longer resist, but will turn toward the wall, and leave no other request in my will than that no firecrackers will be set off at my grave.”

Fuck. Maybe this is all that is left for me to do as well?! Turn toward the wall. Crank up the white noise machine even further. Wear the noise cancelling headphones even longer, who cares if they make me claustrophobic. And hope that it doesn’t get even worse, somehow. Which i am sure it will.

In real life Lessing went on to form the “Anti-Lärm-Verein” (anti-noise-association) and founded a magazine called “Der Anti-Rüpel” (the anti-brute). He continued to fight noise (and fascism) until 1933, when he was one of the earliest victims killed by Nazis in Marienbad. The brutes did won in his case.

Many humans suffer from noise, many get sick because of noise, most without even knowing. But let us also not forget all the other species we share this planet with, who can suffer greatly under all the noise that we humans impose on them on this small planet, nonstop and with escalating intensity. I want to mention the narwhals, one of the most beautiful animals in existence (dubbed the unicorn of the sea), who go quiet as the oceans grow louder. Or the capercaillies in the pinewoods of Scotland, one of the most elusive and gorgeous birds, by now pretty much extinct, who would need some peace and quiet in order to survive. Or much closer to home, think of all the dogs hiding under the sofa when humans “have fun” with their lame fireworks.

I admit it. I have chosen quite an accusatory title for this series of DJ mixes. This title claims that “your” noise is “my” slow death. I do mean this in a literal, but also in the metaphorical sense. Slow death being the self-explanatory expression, often used by disability justice activists, to show how a mixture of organized abandonment by the state, hyperindividualism under late stage neoliberal capitalism and structural ableism results in disabled and chronically ill comrades slowly dying.

By the way, i love/hate the German expression “ein Tod auf Raten” a death by installments. Sums it up, really.

I mean this title in a literal sense, because my need for peace and quiet goes much further than a simple preference, or maybe a silly sensitivity, much further than something that could be resolved with ease. For me it is an existential issue in the sense that it is the noise (among a few other factors), that prevents my body from healing. The noise from our downstairs neighbor is quite literally responsible for my not finding enough sleep and relaxation, not enough the peace and quiet that i would need in order to start my healing process, or to at least improve or stabilise this awful chronic illness.

I mean it in a metaphorical sense, because of course i understand it as a symbol. Of course i see the bigger picture here. It is a sign of how end times capitalism whips (quick shout out to Arthur) humans into an alienated frenzy, where no one has the time, nor the energy, to consider the sensitive people next door, who suffer. It is the constant noise that leaves me no other choice, than to either hope to die soon or else to betray my true personality by drowning out the noise in my desperate effort to shield myself a bit. The creative or healing potential (“social power, sacred dispensation, or creative gift” writes Stecopoulos, quoted above) that my sensitivity might or might not have, lost by the wayside.

“Sensitivity is suspect to a masculinist society that mandates constant productivity and disembodiment.”

Ever since 2020 at the start of the ongoing!!! COVID-19 pandemic, when i developed Long COVID, my hyperacusis has escalated to the point that it is by now almost unbearable. It was always the case that i had trouble to un-hear noise once i had clocked it. Which might be the neurodivergent part of me. Maybe my tinnitus makes me prone to this. But Long COVID has made my hyperacusis so much worse. My weakened, debilitated body no longer simply craves, no, it now needs!!! peace and quiet. If i noise was an annoyance before, it now feels like pain.

Noise now hurts.

True, my sensitivity does have a history. Like others, i think that i was born HSP (highly sensitive person). HSP might be a snappy acronym, that does ring true. But at the same time the phenomenon can just as easy be explained with being introverted or neurodivergent. Others have argued, better than i ever could, that we do not need a new label for this phenomenon. Let’s just call it what it is, a form of autism. Hyperacusis also presents itself as a syndrome. Instead of as a fixed condition, it also needs to be placed on a spectrum.

Since Long COVID i am no longer sensitive to noise alone. Bright lights, smells, vibrations can also be too much to handle. All my senses, my entire apparatus of perception, are in constant fight or flight mode. My entire body feels like an open wound. Like a peeled egg. All sensual perceptions are impacting it, in brutal rawness. But never mind these other sensitivities for now and focus on the fucking noise, the most invasive among them (alongside smell), which has always been the biggest challenge for me and presents itself as such a burden when living during the cynical and noisy capitalist era.

So here’s why i think noise is my slow death. It’s never an easy task to express bodily sensations with words. But ever since Long COVID i feels like i am lacking all (not just some) of the filters that protect so-called healthy people. Any perception can turn painful, in its raw and unfiltered form. It often feels like i am “all ears”. My hyperacusis may well have been building up over the years, it may be an expression of my neurodivergence. But it was COVID-19 that has thrown me over the edge. Many of my early Long COVID symptoms have gotten better since the start, if only because i learned how to pace myself. My baseline remains in a fragile balance, any stress, like lack of sleep, can bring on a crash. At any moment.

To maintain the baseline of my health i discovered that it is necessary for me to keep quite specific routines, most crucial for my sleeping patterns. But my next door neighbors have different ideas. They keep me awake. Or wake me up. With their banging. Their door slamming. With their washing machines and dryers at all hours (even though we begged them not to use them at night). With their loud voices on balconies. With music and barking dogs. With whatever.

Quick interception: Consider how sleep deprivation is used in torture. Food for thought.

Lack of sleep deteriorates my health. So that is how noise leads to my slow death. That’s the brutal truth. That’s how “your” noise is “my” slow death. Yes. I mean you. I mean you, in general sense, the capitalist fucking system that imposes all this shit on us and our animal friends.

The capitalist system must die, so that we can live. So that everyone receives all the care that they deserve. So that everybody receives everything.

“I write deliberately about sensitivity associated with an inspired state—overlapping with intuition, talent, skill—together with sensitivity as a toxic state—a chronic assault, not being able to tolerate exposure to this world, or somehow not being of this world. Partly because I don’t want to create a hierarchy between the culturally sanctioned and the demeaned, and partly because they often come bundled together, and being rewarded for one can sometimes aggravate disbelief about the other, not least the internalized disbelief that comes from living under patriarchy and capitalism. I won’t separate them, because I want to reduce suffering.”

So there it is.

Look out for part 3 in a few months, maybe.

[Please consider supporting these artists, by following the bandcamp links (if available) below]

TRACKLIST:

01. Simon & Garfunkel – Sound of Silence

SAMPLES:

John Cage on silence, Gangaji – The search for silence, The psychology of people who love staying at home, SNL, The Responder.s02e03, Beastie Boys – Fight For Your Right (Revisited), Benediction.2021, The Card Counter.2021, Antlers.2022, A conversation with Ricky Lee Jones, Lee.2023, Peaky Blinders.s06e06, Bowie – The Final Act, The Hack.s01e06, Downtown Abbey – A New Era, Blue Lights.s03e05, Clipse – Chains & Whips, Eddington.2025, Josh Johnson – 23andMe, Good Luck To You Leo Grande.2022, A Complete Unknown.2024, The Offer.s01e03, Tha 4orce · Wan-Cee – Make Some Noise (Acapella), Beastie Boys-Make Some Noise (Acapella), Silver Haze.2023

COVER: Created by the wonderful Fr3nzIn3 thanks a silentforcetrillion.

SUBSCRIBE:

COPYLEFT:

I release all my work, the DJ work as well as all my other coding and creating, under a creative commons license, hence i treat this material as if it was under CC license. I attribute it and i do not use it for commercial gain. Don’t try to sue me, i am broke anyway.

All rights remain with original right holders. this mix makes fair use of copyrighted material. this mix is distributed non-commercially only.

LISTEN:

DOWNLOAD: Your Noise Is My Slow Death – Part 1 | Silence [144 MB – 01:00:00 – 320kbs]

TITLE: Your Noise Is My Slow Death – Part 1 | Silence

“Sensitivity is popularly regarded as an individual aberration or personal choice but will be increasingly understood as environmentally modulated. Charged by the energy of the protest. Leaving the room because of what’s in the air. I see sensitivity as a way of living that can be cultivated, not just borne—an ethos that will gain importance as our relationships to earth, other species, and each other shift.”

//cw mention of self-harm and suicide

So uhm, i created this mixtape, because i have been trying, and failing, to write an essay with the same title for many, many months (since March 2025 to be precise). In the essay i try to show, how our culture continues to protect the loudest people, the bullies, the extroverts, and how i understand this as a form of structural ableism. How the meaning of the terms “tolerance” and “flexibility” has been twisted to only ever cut one way, to the point that both of these terms now are getting weaponized in defense of hyper-individualism, and are used to gaslight the part of the population that suffers under the noise. How noise is a constant factor in the world that we have made. And how a fight to oppose this permanent onslaught of noise–that, mind you, we are subjected to without ever having given our consent–could conceivably turn into an anti-capitalist, mutual aid, communal care, bottom-up and many other beautiful ideas *deep breath* revolution.

If the permanent exposure to unwanted noise is understood as one oppressive element, among several others, of course, imposed on us by a hostile system, what’s not to oppose?

But sadly I failed to write about these topics in a coherent manner. I will continue to try, but for now, here’s a mixtape dedicated to the topic. Why am i experiencing writers block now? It might well be due to a lack of personal distance in regards to noise, a distance that can be required to tackle certain issues. But the main reason must be that it fills me with shame to admit to this. I hate having to be the partypooper, who begs everyone to please keep the noise down. That’s even more absurd, because noise really does dominate my life. I even go as far as saying that noise tortures me. Every single day. However, nowadays to admit to a sensitivity is seen as weakness. It makes one vulnerable, and who wants that?! Part of my shame might even be justified. Compared to all the extreme suffering that we witness in our world–wars, famine, repression, fascist thugs killing people in the streets, etc.–my problem with extreme noise sensitivity feels like such a first world issue.

“Just be more tolerant”, i yell at myself inside my head. With that i chime in to the gaslighting that comes at me from every angle. Or “just wait until old age will degenerate your hyper-acute sense of hearing”, which is the advice my mum gave me. Maybe this noise sensitivity does run in the family. My mum used to be highly sensitive to noise. It’s no longer the case since she is in the process of losing her hearing. My late aunt wrote about my late uncle, who died much too young: “He never found life easy. It was accompanied by an inner restlessness, a constant search for possible answers to philosophical and theological questions, a need for periods of absolute peace and quiet, and the fear of not getting them or not being able to claim them for himself.” Sounds familiar.

Listen, i even hesitate to talk about it as a “sensitivity”. To me it feels less like i am sensitive to noise and more like i crave quiet. Maybe i even deserve some peace and quiet, which would help me heal. If it is framed as a sensitivity the blame gets shifted, in not so subtle ways. “Oh, he’s just too sensitive” declares me as the faulty entity, belittles and others me. I prefer to say that i have hyperacusis. Which describes a potentially debilitating condition that might even deserve some compassion.

Think about it. Is it really me, who is to blame, who is too sensitive to noise? Or is it maybe the world that is too damn noisy?

At the very least it’s a bit of both. In the world that i would like to live in, high sensitivity might be considered a commendable trait, and who knows, maybe even a super power. Or at the very least something that is “welcome, unusual, helpful” as someone recently told me. As it stands my condition gets treated as something to be ashamed of, as something that makes me difficult to be around, as something that justifies me getting ridiculed and bullied.

Every hyperacusis questionnaire that i ever took came back with the same result. That i have a very severe form of hyperacusis. But when i tell my doctor about it, she answers, oh, that’s so difficult to diagnose. No. It fucking isn’t. Just listen to what i have to say, how i describe my symptoms, and it becomes fucking obvious. Dude.

It is estimated that somewhere between 10 to 40% of people suffer from some form of hyperacusis. That’s up to four out of ten people. A shitload. It is understood as a spectrum (and what isn’t) from mild to severe. But because it is based on self-assessment, as such not measurable, medicine laughs it out of the room, bans it into the woo woo field of psychosomatic or hysterical conditions.

Medical doctors make me so fucking angry.

*Deep breath*

Look, i never chose to have this condition. It chose me. I might have made some choices in my life that made it worse. Being a club DJ for almost ten years certainly didn’t help. At least it explains the tinnitus, often an underlying cause in hyperacusis. I feel terrible for being such a weak, pathetic, whiny asshole mess loser. No really, i do. But again, is it really just me?

Take a moment to listen to what is going on around you. Doesn’t it seem that the permanent noise in the world is getting out of hand? Don’t we have enough studies that prove that noise makes people ill–or makes existing illnesses worse? Why is everyone pretending that it doesn’t bother them? Why is everyone nuking their senses with nicotine, alcohol, drugs or distracting themselves with home entertainment? Shouldn’t we instead fight for a less noisy world?

For someone like myself denial is not an option. Try as i might i lost my ability to ignore the noise. The reality is that noise makes me suffer to the point that i contemplate suicide several times per week, often every day. For the simple reason that i am exhausted and don’t see a future for myself in a world where the sensitive, the introverted, the quiet people–and maybe the neurodivergent, chronically ill, elderly–are meant to act as a sponge, to soak up all the noise, that gets imposed on us by the reckless behavior of the loud, brash, inconsiderate bullies, who no longer seem to possess any shred of impulse control.

Under the toxic influence of end times capitalism and neoliberalism, hyper-individualism has only gotten worse. People are only getting louder in their incessant obsession to broadcast their lives, screaming about nothing of importance, at the top of their lungs, to no one in particular. These same people also enjoy it, when they can make others (me) suffer. It makes them feel superior to see people like myself wince under their auditory assault. The trolls have come offline.

Well, for me there’s no way around it. I am one of the people who suffer under this noisy situation, a situation that has only gotten worse and worse and worse. It has turned me so bitter, that i might well come off as a rude, unfriendly asshole. But that has not always been the case. In theory i try to be friendly towards new neighbors in the building. Initially i try to accommodate and welcome them. But then they start to impose their noise on me with their inconsiderate and frankly shitty attitude, which makes me suffer, and i start to hate them. In the end i can almost no longer greet them in the staircase.

Your noise is my slow death.

I understand full well how this is not a healthy arrangement. We live next door to each other. We all pay rent to the same assholes. But my neighbors get dominate my life. Whereas i don’t have a right for peace and quiet? Their noise wakes me up at all hours, or keeps me awake, which is poison for someone who is chronically ill. Somehow i am just meant to soak it all up. There really should be a dialogue between us, the direct neighbors, to try and find a compromise that works for everybody, not just for the loudest among us. But the capitalist assholes, that we pay our rent to, the landlords, real estate agents and other hyenas, do nothing to accommodate such a process. They only care about us paying rent. That’s it. Pay your rent and shut the fuck up. Suffer in silence while your neighbors trample all over you.

The bullies always win.

Surely this is not fair.

#!@@&@@!#

It’s been a while since David Graeber has spilled the secret. That “the ultimate hidden truth of the world is that it is something that we make, and could just as easily make differently”. If we accept his premise (which we should) and then proceed to investigate the world that we have made from various angles (political, economic, ecological, spiritual, etc.), we can only come to one conclusion: We have done a shitty job. The world that we have made is a shitty place. And a noisy one.

If you are a person, like myself, who craves quiet–or who maybe even needs quiet in order to heal from a chronic illness (doctor’s orders)–well, guess what, then you are shit out of luck. Because in the world that we have made, quiet has been turned into a rarefied commodity. Quiet is something that only filthy rich assholes can afford (by buying an entire city block or an island. Eww). For the rest of us, in the world that we have made, noise rules.

Internal combustion engines–running on fossil fuels!–are everywhere and they are too damn loud. Take your pick between the noise of cars, planes, helicopters, industrial noise, weed whackers, leaf blowers, tractors. But it goes beyond that. Between construction sites, church bells, cow bells, barking dogs, screaming babies, loud neighbors screaming on their balconies, Bluetooth speakers everywhere, all night techno parties in the forest–the noise never fucking stops. There is never a quiet moment to be had.

I believe that most people are sensitive to noise, to a varying degree. I just happen to find myself at the extreme end of the spectrum. If you, like myself, are an introvert or shy, maybe a neurodivergent person and/or maybe just someone who enjoys quiet moments, you are shit out of luck in the noisy world that we have made. If you are a person who enjoys to talk to others at room volume, maybe while trying to find a consensus that accommodates the needs of everyone, then this world is not for you.

In this world that we have made—and continue to make—the loudest, most ruthless, the most brash people, they rise to the top. In the cynical, life-negating system that we have implemented, the bullies always win. Under our current system the biggest liars, the rudest assholes and the loudest bullies end up ruling the world. Ableism is baked into this arrangement.

A demand for more quiet, for less noise, for more mutual consideration, for the best care for everyone, might therefore well be a revolutionary position.

Meanwhile, all i can do is meditate in the hope of discovering the silence with the silence and the silence within the noise. Go.

[The essay is much much longer. (Help, i need an editor). But for now this is what i feel comfortable to share. Maybe at some point in time i will manage to finish it]

So there it is.

Look out for part 2 in a few weeks, maybe.

[Please consider to support these artists, by following the bandcamp links (if available) below]

TRACKLIST:

01. David Bowie – Blackstar

SAMPLES:

Country Strong.2010, Patti Smith – Millionth Heaven, David Bowie – The Final Act, Clipse – All Things Considered, The Changeling.s01e07, The Sarah Silverman Podcast – Threesomes, Night Bras, Laura, Gangaji Podcasts, A Conversation with Ricky Lee Jones, HPI.s01e06, Prisoner 951.s01e01, DakhaBrakha – Kozak, Gangaji – The Silence of the Silence, ixi – I finally listened to Geogaddi

COVER: Created by the wonderful Fr3nzIn3 thanks a noiselesstrillion.

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COPYLEFT:

I release all my work, the DJ work as well as all my other coding and creating, under a creative commons license, hence i treat this material as if it was under CC license. I attribute it and i do not use it for commercial gain. Don’t try to sue me, i am broke anyway.

All rights remain with original right holders. this mix makes fair use of copyrighted material. this mix is distributed non-commercially only.

LISTEN:

DOWNLOAD: Death Is A Social Construct [200.1 MB – 01:23:12 – 320kbs]

TITLE: Death Is A Social Construct

//cw: death, dying, suicidality

Please excuse the morbid theme of this mixtape.

But today is Samhain.

We recently had a lot of death, or looming death, in our family.

Most of my favorite people, okay three out of four, are dead.

I am so grateful for the one among my favorite people, who is alive.

I am convinced, that i will only find peace in death.

Norbert Elias once remarked, “death is the problem of the living”.

In abstraction death is a social construct.

Sorry for all this noise.

Sometimes it takes just one or two songs that motivate me into creating a new mixtape.

Lyrics:

The Cure – ENDSONG

Remembering the hopes and dreams I had and all I had to do

It’s all gone, it’s all gone

Public Enemy – Ageism

Ageism stuck in the bitterverse

Megadef

J’ai de la place dans mon cerveau

Yasmine Hamdan

Northern is the wind of home

Kaitlyn Aurelia Smith

My favorite sound is when you feel heard

Thom Yorke

(It’s a game) I’m never getting out, It’s not gonna change

So there it is.

[Please consider to support these artists, by following the bandcamp links (when available) below]

TRACKLIST:

1. µ Ziq – µ Ziq Theme

SAMPLES:

Banco De Gaia – Mafich; Mira Calix – The Abandoned Colony Collapsed My World; Walking Dead: World Beyond.s02e04; Consolidated – Cutting; Democracy Now.08.18.25; Marc Maron on John Oliver’s New York Stand-Up Show; Under The Bridge s01e05; Legend Podcast – Joni Mitchell; Keanu Reeves on Colbert; 28 Days Later.2002; Nine Perfect Strangers.s02e04; Mix Tape.s01e01; What It Feels Like A Girl.s01e06; Seven Psychopaths.2012; Beatles – Tomorrow Never Knows (acapella); The Institute.s01e04; Andor.s02e10; 28 Years Later.2025; What It Feels Like As A Girl.01e08; DJ Mehdi – Made In France.Arte.2025; Andor.s02e09; Megadef – Eloge Funèbre

COVER: Created by the wonderful Fr3nzIn3 thanks a whackamoletrillion.

SUBSCRIBE:

COPYLEFT:

I release all my work, the DJ work as well as all my other coding and creating, under a creative commons license, hence i treat this material as if it was under CC license. I attribute it and i do not use it for commercial gain. Don’t try to sue me, i am broke anyway.

All rights remain with original right holders. this mix makes fair use of copyrighted material. this mix is distributed non-commercially only.

LISTEN:

DOWNLOAD: Anti-[Placeholder] [128.1 MB – 00:53:00 – 320kbs]

TITLE: Anti-[Placeholder]

I made a mixtape for my <3.

So here it is.

[Please consider supporting the artists, following the bandcamp links (where available) below]

TRACKLIST:

1. Leftfield – Citing and Fighting

SAMPLES:

The Last Of Us.s02e05, Long Bright River.s01e05+e07+e10, Little Simz @ BBC interview, This City Is Ours.s01e02, The Change.s02e04+e06, SNL Miss Eggy, Chumbawamba @ 1990 Gilman, Sinners.2025, Sacramento.2024, La Gale @ 12:45, Kleo.s02e03, Philippe Katerine – Sous Mon Bob, Adolescence.s01e03, Children in Gaza are screaming for bread @ Instagram, Doctor Who.s02e05, Three Thousand Years Of Longing.2022, Say Nothing.s01e09, Great Thunberg on the Freedom Flotilla @ Democracy Now, Clashing Differences.s01e01, Code Of Silence.s01e01, ITS FRIDAY THEN, ITS SATURDAY, SUNDAY! GO MUFASA!, Love Me.2024, Bad Times At The El Royale.2018

COVER: Created by the wonderful Fr3nzIn3.

SUBSCRIBE:

COPYLEFT:

I release all my work, the DJ work as well as all my other coding and creating, under a creative commons license, hence i treat this material as if it was under CC license. I attribute it and i do not use it for commercial gain. Don’t try to sue me, i am broke anyway.

All rights remain with original right holders. this mix makes fair use of copyrighted material. this mix is distributed non-commercially only.

Listen:

Download: SITV-012.mp3 [0:13:12 | ??.? MB | 196 kbps]

Title: Screaming Into The Void 012 – The Yet Another Failed Project Edition

Hi folks.

Done.

I give up.

There is no need for these silly audio collages.

Turns out, i was screaming into the void.

So here it is.

The last SITV-audio collage.

I encourage people to support the artists and musicians that are featured in these short collages.

The tracklist: (music borrowed with all due respect to the artists):

01. Intro: Subhumans – Powergames. Samples from various songs and movies

Images:

Cover: How we watch TV these days (first time online)

Subscribe:

Copyleft:

I release all my work, the DJ work as well as all my other coding and creating, under a creative commons license, hence i treat this material as if it was under CC license. I attribute it and i do not use it for commercial gain. Don’t try to sue me, i am broke anyway.

All rights remain with original right holders. this mix makes fair use of copyrighted material. this mix is distributed non-commercially only.

Listen:

Download: SITV-011.mp3 [0:13:12 | 19.4 MB | 196 kbps]

Title: The Lost In The Music Edition

Hi folks.

This collage is all about my love for music and how it gives me solace, in this crazy world.

I spent quite some time tracking down the famous quote by the lovely Marsha P. Johnson (the trans activist of Stonewall fame):

I got lost in the music in 1963 at Stonewall… No! No, it was Stonewall – it was 1967 that I got lost. In 19 – oh my dear, Stonewall, I got lost at Stonewall. Heard it through the grapevine. 1969! I got lost in the music and I couldn’t get out.

It is featured in the short film “Happy Birthday Marsha!” that can be streamed here (for a bit of money).

Sometimes i does feel like i got lost in the music as well. And that i never found my way out.

Sometimes it feels like music is the only thing that keeps me going.

And at the same time, life is so fucking cruel.

Life gave me tinnitus and a hypersensitivity to noise.

Music is never noise, but sometimes it does hurt now.

Like right now, my ears are ringing quite a bit after working on this collage.

Fuck!

;(

So here it is.

The latest SITV-audio collage.

What do you think?

I hope you enjoy it.

If you do, please tell a friend

I encourage people to support the artists and musicians that are featured in these short collages.

The tracklist: (music borrowed with all due respect to the artists):

01. Intro: Subhumans – Powergames. Samples from various songs and movies

Images:

Marsha P. Johnson

Subscribe:

Copyleft:

I release all my work, the DJ work as well as all my other coding and creating, under a creative commons license, hence i treat this material as if it was under CC license. I attribute it and i do not use it for commercial gain. Don’t try to sue me, i am broke anyway.

All rights remain with original right holders. this mix makes fair use of copyrighted material. this mix is distributed non-commercially only.

Listen:

Download: SITV-010.mp3 [0:13:12 | 20.3 MB | 196 kbps]

Title: The Antifascist Funky Carnaval Edition

Hi folks.

Last Saturday we attended the first edition of the antifascist carnival in Lausanne, Switzerland. Carnaval populaire et déter – Contre la montée du fascisme. It was fantastic. Loved every second of it, except the time when we lost each other and i did not have a phone. I will draw energy from this event for months to come. (I hope)

This was the first demonstration, or parade, that i attended since the start of COVID-19–and my Long COVID. I was quite nervous, if my energy was going to hold, if i would crash afterwards or–even worse–if i’d catch a viral infection.

But so far *fingers crossed* it seems to have gone okay. I’ve only had a minor crash, mostly manifesting in muscular and skeletal pains. So far it seems as if the ffp2 mask that i/we wore at all times protected me–and us–just fine. Because almost no one else wore a mask, i saw maybe 5 people and most in the laughable blue ones. However i heard many people coughing.

Most carnivals these days are too big, too commercial or just plain lame. They carry only a shadow of the subversive and rebellious potential that they could have. But this carnival was different. It had wild costumes, dozens of Luigis, of course, and many Cthulhus, why?, good music, lots of smiling people (yes, i saw that because most people were unmasked) and dancing in the street.

I really hope this parade catches on and turns into a yearly ritual. We need such free expressions of joy and irreverence. Next year i hope there will even be a mask bloc!

The lack of masks is my only beef with this year’s event. Other than that . No notes.

Just a few remarks on the audio collage: These days i am bit ambivalent to feature contrapoints, her politics are too bizarre now. But here quotes on QAnon and the “storm” were a match with Leftfield – Storms End. All storms end.

We are seeing many 5 year pandemic articles these days, most of them depressing, revisionist and past-tensing the pandemic. For me the overwhelming outcome is that i almost cannot believe what is happening. Like the Adam character in The Francise i often wonder if someone is pulling a joke on me. The 5 year Long COVID survey asked what the biggest grief was, for me it is the loss of community. The people i thought i could trust in a crisis turned out to be ableist assholes.

So here it is.

The latest SITV-audio collage.

What do you think?

I hope you enjoy it.

If you do, please tell a friend

I encourage people to support the artists and musicians that are featured in these short collages.

The tracklist: (music borrowed with all due respect to the artists):

01. Intro: Subhumans – Powergames. Samples from various songs and movies

Images:

This was the bomb

To find more photos and one video of the carnival.

Subscribe:

Copyleft:

I release all my work, the DJ work as well as all my other coding and creating, under a creative commons license, hence i treat this material as if it was under CC license. I attribute it and i do not use it for commercial gain. Don’t try to sue me, i am broke anyway.

All rights remain with original right holders. this mix makes fair use of copyrighted material. this mix is distributed non-commercially only.

Listen:

Download: SITV-009.mp3 [0:13:12 | 19.1 MB | 196 kbps]

Title: The Fuck The Police Edition

Hi folks.

Last Saturday was not only International Long COVID Awareness Day but also International Day Against Police Brutality.

So i pulled up an older project, this little fuck the police mix, that i had been messing with some time ago.

It is pretty rough, but i guess you get the idea.

Every day should be a day against police brutality.

They will keep abusing of their state sanctioned monopoly on violence.

This week i also watched part 3 of the Undercover Police Scandal documentary on ITV, and while the BBC podcast was much better, it was still beautiful to see the women talk about the shocking police abuse they have endured.

So i really mean it, Fuck The Police.

That’s all really.

So here it is.

The latest SITV-audio collage.

What do you think?

I hope you enjoy it.

If you do, please tell a friend

I encourage people to support the artists and musicians that are featured in these short collages.

The tracklist: (music borrowed with all due respect to the artists):

01. Intro: Subhumans – Powergames. Samples from various songs and movies

Images:

Talk To Plants Not Cops

Subscribe:

Copyleft:

I release all my work, the DJ work as well as all my other coding and creating, under a creative commons license, hence i treat this material as if it was under CC license. I attribute it and i do not use it for commercial gain. Don’t try to sue me, i am broke anyway.

All rights remain with original right holders. this mix makes fair use of copyrighted material. this mix is distributed non-commercially only.