Pivotal Drifting

Just got back from some weekend adventures, disagreements and standing my ground on topics. I am unsure if my stubbornness is good or bad in this situation because I ultimately didn't get what I wanted to experience but in not getting to experience that thing 😜. I actually got to experience some other really cool things that I don't think I ever would have gotten to do if I did get that short lived moment. Either way, I am happy about the direction that things went this weekend and it's not like this "thing" will never happen again. I will say that what I did with my Girlfriend over the last couple of days could be experienced with other people but not with her and I am really grateful that we got to share in all these really amazing moments. I am also debating on the benefit of a daily account of sorts with myself or if this should be a fun weekly check-in... If it's weekly these could be really long! Or I just forget everything that I did and still not have a clue what I will talk about on that specific day. At any rate, I am leaving San Francisco shortly and have experienced most if not all of the places, things that I wanted to experience, I spent more then I hoped, and saw and did things with an amazing woman that just loves life in a way that I can not fathom currently.

This staying present is really seeing some amazing results. My food tastes better, music is enjoyable, and my experiences deeper and more meaningful. I do however have a headache that is messing with me but I am working through it because I do get these headaches often and usually most of the time it's unexpected, and unexplained for me.

It's my birthday and it was amazing. I honestly wasn't expecting much since I am working on being more present in the moment. But was incredibly surprised at the out pour of support, love, genuine appreciation today. I went to work for a bit but was surprised by Indian food for lunch then later that evening she took me to this French bistro down the road where I had the best meal! I am obsessed with different flavors and textures you add to it the presence I was working on and it was deadly! The mussels, the escargot, mushroom raviolis, to the main dish Cuisse de Canard Confit Wellington! Then the chef surprised us this vanilla crème Brule. It was just an amazing night and couldn't think of a better way to spend it!

I had planned to take the day off before my birthday but didn't end up getting to leave the house till after 1pm today. Either way set out on a random journey that turned more focused as I GPS to a particular spot to get a few things for some up coming birthdays. The difference today was I was more focused on the enjoyment of getting to where I wanted to go not just going to the place I wanted to be. So, I got to ride around on these fun revel electric scooters and had this amazing meatloaf with mashed potatoes in this killer sauce from a little shop in Noe Valley that use to be a restaurant but due to covid-19 they had to make some serious shifts and changes to the place to continue to be in business. Then I watched the running mate debates with the house mates and my partner.

I am reminded of what my mentor and friend said recently to me when we talked about my travel plans "I'd make a crappy bohemian" with a massive smile across his face. He told me for the first month or two that I'll want to have everything planned and coordinated and he's right! Even now I have a list of landmarks, shops, places I want to see while in San Francisco and I have been systematically knocking them out by section of this great city. Most are not all that great and probably the trip to the place was the more exciting part of the experience then actually getting to the location! Either way I am still challenging my beliefs about things everyday as I have heard nothing but bad things about SF and so far this place is AMAZING. The nature, architecture, the people is like nothing I have ever seen before.

Gratitude- I am just incredibly grateful right now about how things are going and playing out. I have been having a great time here the house is amazing and San Francisco has been a very healing process just being here.

I am trying to find a rhythm while I am away in San Francisco. I am conflicted in that I want to do these recordings but I also don't have anything interesting to say so it would just be some pointless ramblings (more then it already is). With that being said, San Francisco is amazing! The mix of the city with nature all around you is nothing I have ever seen before! Had a blast doing and exploring things that even locals have no clue existed! Not sure what I am going to do today but probably more exploring but this time on a bike!

Made it to San Francisco and just trying to adjust to the new environment. I have to isolate because I need a clean test of covid and I don't want to upset any of the roommates. Currently, the air quality is crap so a lot of the plans I had might be effected. In addition, Uber's are costly so I might have to find some kind of rental because going anywhere in this place is costing quite a lot.

Well it was bound to happen but didn't think it would happen so soon into this journey. I missed a day and didn't record anything. I could easily record something and say that it was day 9 but I didn't do it. I was focused on work then packing for my trip today. I can not promise myself that I will not miss another day but I must do something. I need to challenge myself to be better but still give myself some grace and not beat myself up for something so small. It's difficult, in my opinion, to record yourself talking then posting it to the world for anyone to listen. Still that being said, I have heard that the book "the slight edge" is something that could help me. We will see where that takes me.

For the last 3 days I have been experiencing sadness I can't describe why it's happening but it feels like a part of me is dying or has died. I am scared of diving deeper into the darkness/emptiness that I am feeling because I am afraid that I won't be able to come back out of it. I am looking for professional help but have been unsuccessful in my attempts to locate someone ie no call backs or email returns.