It's the moment you've been waiting for; finally this podcast has trimmed the fat, and produced an episode that's all Dan and no James! Although James doesn't have any fat to trim; maybe we've trimmed the limbs. So Dan says James' pod-card was too short, and then he goes and makes a shorter one. Try not to think of this as a good thing, otherwise it will come as a shock later in the autumn when these become half hour monologues...

As you'll hear in Dan's reply to this pod-card, he thinks it's too short. Let it be known that this is the first time in his life that James has been concise. An update from Berlin, having travelled from Normandy to Amsterdam and then via Hamburg.

Series Three begins in Dan's peaceful countryside holiday retreat, when it turns out he hasn't been very good at hiding its specific location from James. This series is unlike your usual episodes, since James has decided to leave the country half way through recording the autumn series. So we present instead a series of "pod-cards"; digital postcards sent between France and London.

This week we’re out of the Private Practice and in a public place to talk about genuine therapy for a change. Dan arrives from his own session, shaken, and initially in no state to stir James. It’s the final episode of Series 2, and for once James takes the subject of therapy seriously, while Dan brings up bodily fluids.

This week we create some essential conflict and count each other’s eyes, because life has no obvious inherent meaning, and it feels great. This podcast is absolutely not going to seal the legacy of either Dan or James, they have failed. And they encourage you to fail too, because you might notice some new flavours in your water.

Forget everything. Imagine nothing. Join us for a thigh-slapping, eye counting, fudge packing hour of uninhibited ecstasy. And what’s even better, this is the week Dan finally manages to get James to shut up. This will be the greatest hour of your life today, because nothing else matters.

This week my aunt’s breasts are on fire. Having learnt a few lessons from last week, James just about manages to tell the story of a life without making half of it about himself. This episode is particularly upbeat on the whole, but does contain some details of a suicide which may be upsetting.

In an ode to a remarkable woman who lived for a century, James spends half of it talking about himself. This is how not to live your life, fabulously, and is a template you can adopt whenever you find yourself in a hotel room with a screwdriver.

Fans of toilet humour will be disappointed this week as we venture close to a genuine therapy session. Setting out to demonstrate that having feelings is not a shameful thing to internalise, James digs to find one and discovers plenty of unexpected flavours when the pot gets stirred. It is, however, a distraction from bodily fluids, which only have a very minor role to play, courtesy of a tortoise trotting around the Private Practice.

James is back in the Private Practice for his first proper session of the year. Are you feeling jealous towards his receipt of Dan’s wise response to his thoughts and feelings? Well in this episode we discuss times when the jealous party has got the wrong end of the unicorn’s glittery erection.