Proactive 12 Steps

Discussion of Step 7:

I learn to accept the sense of vulnerability that goes with life’s pressures and uncertainties.

The previous steps have led you to see problematic behavior patterns in a different light. You now get a sense of them as having some emotional logic. That is, they are ways of coping with things that would otherwise feel unmanageable. We’re not just talking about a sense that things are difficult. We’re talking about overwhelming.

What is it that is overwhelming?

Of course, the specifics vary. But, when you dig deeper, it comes down to the very opposite of feeling safe. A sense that you have no way of protecting yourself, that your very existence is threatened, that you will be crushed. “All resistance will be futile,” as Darth Vader would say.

Now when you hear this, you might say: “I can maybe see how it might work for other people, but what I’m talking about is not that drastic.”

So let’s slow it down a little and see what we’re talking about. You go back to the fears that you identified in Step 6. And, this time, instead of just thinking of them as abstract words, go deeper into the physical sensation.

What does it feel like when you are imagining facing these situations that you fear? Let’s pay attention to some of the markers that have to do with the experience of intense fear. There is, for instance, a sense of holding your breath physically. You might notice a tightness in your shoulders. You might feel that your shoulders coming up and your neck coming down as if bracing for a blow to come upon you. You might notice some weird sensations in your stomach. You might feel your eyes widen, and how you are rigid, somewhat like a deer in the headlights.

What your body sensations tell you

Becoming aware of how your body is affected puts you in touch with the visceral quality of the fears. You stay with these sensations, even for a moment, getting a glimpse of how intensely awful it feels. The difficulty of it gives you more of an understanding of why you’re not able, most of the time, to stay with them. And that gives you more of an understanding of why the coping mechanism exists and why it continues.

The coping mechanism is essentially a way of avoiding to stay in what is literally an unbearable experience. Getting in touch with the physicality of the experience and how much it blocks you helps you understand why words and logic are not adequate at such moments. Your mind and body automatically do whatever it takes to stop that unbearable pain. And that’s where the coping mechanism comes in.

We are talking about a mechanism of avoidance, but not in a way that would justify self-blaming. When you pay attention to the intensity of the experience, you understand better how you have no other choice at that moment. It’s not about willpower.

If not willpower, what is the way to deal with it?

Essentially, the idea is to become more tolerant of that unbearable feeling progressively. Gradually become more able to tolerate how awful it feels. Realize that you can feel that bad and still survive it. As you do this, little by little, you develop the ability to live through the pain. You become able to have more of a choice in what you do, despite the pain, as opposed to automatically defaulting to the coping mechanism.

So the principle is straightforward: There is unbearable pain. You learn to stay with it, little by little, so that you start to have options. Of course, what is very simple in theory is excruciatingly hard in practice. Here again, we have to recognize the importance of avoiding the very damaging cycle of self-blame. When you say to yourself: “Look, it’s so easy. How come I can’t do it? If I can’t do it, it’s terrible, and so on,” this is not helpful at all.

Safety

Step 7: I learn to accept the sense of vulnerability that comes from facing what feels overwhelming.

Discussion of Step 6:

I understand how these patterns have been ways of coping with my fears.

At first glance, it might seem like Step Six is simply a restating of Step Five. We are talking here about seeing how your patterns have been ways of coping with something overwhelming. How is that any different from understanding the emotional logic of your behavior patterns (Step Five)?

We are talking about subtle differences. Think about what the phrase “proceeding step by step” means. You’re not rushing. You’re paying attention to the details of what you are doing. So, here, you are going deeper into the emotional logic that you started to understand in Step Five.

Emotions

In Step Six, you are getting more in touch with the intensity of emotion that is involved in these patterns.

As you read this and think about your patterns, you may be surprised. You may not be aware of any emotion in them.

So think about this. We are talking about behavior patterns that you seem to have no control over. You are doing things that you don’t want to be doing. What is it that makes you do it?

Emotions are what moves us to action. Sometimes, we are conscious of them. Much of the time, we are not.

It is a feature of our brain and nervous system that very intense emotions drive us to react very rapidly. We are talking about split seconds, so fast that the information has not even had time to be processed by the more mindful brain circuits.

Why is that? Our remote ancestors needed to be reactive in the face of danger to survive. Those who were over-reactive survived better than those who dawdled too much. There was little reward for those that insisted on making sure there was danger before running away from the feral beast jumping at them.

Now, in civilized life, the nature of dangers has changed, even though our brain structures have not. The situations we face in our social interactions are usually more complex than the clarity there is in confronting a wild beast.

Reactivity

Reactivity had been a necessary shortcut to our ancestors in the wild. Now, this shortcut deprives us of using the mindful brain resources that would help us respond more adequately to the kind of situations we face.

And it all happens so fast that we are not even aware that it could have been possible to act differently.

So chances are you are not aware of the intensity of feeling underlying your behavior patterns. You may not even be aware that the emotion led you to react so quickly that it didn’t occur to you that you could have responded differently.

Being mindful involves slowing down the process to become aware of what happens so that it becomes possible to see the fork in the road. You cannot take it until you see it. And you cannot see it while you’re under the grip of a powerful fear when your mind is reacting to what it perceives as a severe threat.

Fear

Fear involves much more deeply rooted structures of the brain and the nervous system than thinking or acting through willpower. The more of a threat we perceive, the more we automatically revert to our most basic structures.

We cannot override the reactivity of fear through logic or willpower. When we experience a threat, our nervous system and brain bypass the more advanced, more mindful structures. The more primitive, more reactive structures take over for the emergency.

Overriding this natural process can only be done by calming the nervous system in such a way that it’s able to get enough time for the mindful brain to be engaged. Then we can process information and realize that things are not as dangerous as it first seemed to be. And so we can de-escalate the activation.

So what this step is about is understanding overwhelm, that is, understanding stress.

Let’s talk a bit about traumatic stress.

Step 6: I see how my behavior patterns have been ways of coping with what feels overwhelming.

Leslie Ellis talks about how working with dreams engages client and therapist in a co-creative process from which much can emerge.

There is a significant difference between the Proactive Twelve Steps and the original Twelve Steps in describing the central process of behavior change of Steps 4 through 10. It is a focus on behavior patterns instead of defects of character.

The original Twelve Steps reflect the moral and religious outlook of their authors. Behavior is described in moral terms: “moral inventory,” “defects of character,” your “wrongs.” The “return to sanity” feels similar to redemption through the grace of God.

In contrast, the Proactive Twelve Steps do not use the language of sin and redemption any more than they see healing as happening through the grace of God. Instead of talking about wrongs and character defects, they focus on behavior patterns. That is, what you do as opposed to your being flawed as a person.

The scope of the Proactive Twelve Steps is different as well. We are not just talking about what is traditionally considered addictive behavior, things like drinking or gambling.

The scope includes any behavior that you do as a knee-jerk reaction. For instance, looking at your cell phone compulsively or being impatient with people. Things you find yourself doing time and again as if you didn’t have the power of choice.

The focus is internal

We are not talking in moral terms, i.e., good and evil, as defined from an outside perspective. We are talking about doing yourself a disservice by repeatedly not doing what would be right for you.

The approach of the Proactive Twelve Steps is to help you find the power of choice, moment by moment. Yes, this result happens to coincide with what some people would call a moral improvement. But your focus as you work on the Proactive Twelve Steps is not on moral improvement. It is on being present, moment by moment, so that you can see alternatives to your knee-jerk reactions.

The context of the Proactive Twelve Steps is not judgmental because criticism is not effective in changing coping mechanisms resulting from fear, pressure, stress, and trauma. Instead, the focus is on understanding the emotional logic that leads you to do what you do.

Traumatic stress

Here is a classic example of why it is essential to put behaviors in the context of what created them. Take a veteran back to civilian life, who hears a noise, feels attacked, and wants to fire back at enemies. We now know enough not to condemn the traumatized soldier for being traumatized. We understand that the trauma needs to be healed.

Trauma is not a character defect. It is a normal consequence of dealing with a level of pressure that is so overwhelming that a person does not have the resources to handle it when it happens. Adding additional pressure in the form of moral judgment does not solve the trauma. Far from it, it makes it worse. It adds insult to injury. It compounds the problem.

Admittedly, the language of sin and redemption may be motivating to some people. But it can be very harmful to many people, as it adds more pressure to what is already a high-pressure situation. What can ensue then is a vicious cycle of guilt, shame, and more stress.

You feel ashamed of yourself. You try to force yourself to act differently through willpower. You succeed for a while. And then the pressure is such that you break down. You get temporary relief as you break down. But then, the shame comes back, and you use a lot of willpower to try and ward off what you are trying to ward off. And the vicious cycle goes on and on.

The vicious cycle can only end when you recognize that adding more pressure will not solve the situation. It only makes things worse. Of course, this does not mean giving up on making changes. It just means making them in a way that is more realistic and, actually, more effective.

 

The process of change: Focus on behavior patterns vs defects of character

Step 6: I see how my behavior patterns have been ways of coping with what feels overwhelming.

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