Proactive 12 Steps

Step 12: My life reflects a growing sense of respect and compassion for myself and others.

Discussion of Step 11:

I make space in my life for mindful reflection. A sense of meaning and purpose naturally arises from that.

Step Eleven is a way to expand into the experience gained throughout the whole process. Here, you are building upon the lesson of Step Ten. This time, you are not just paying attention to the causes and effects of your actions. You are being mindful in all aspects of your life.

Mindful living

What you have gained throughout this process is not just a better understanding of yourself and the ability to change behaviors, however important that is. Over time, you have started to learn new habits, new ways of living. The new ways of living are not just behaviors. They have to do with the attitude you have toward living life, moment by moment, mindfully experiencing life.

The change is not just in how you act. It is in how you approach life. Mindfulness is not a means to an end, however practical and useful it is to accomplish your goals. Being mindful is an end in itself.

Now, of course, the goal of being mindful all the time could be incredibly overwhelming. Besides, it is unrealistic. We’re not talking about some perfectionistic notion. What we’re talking about is a practical sense of mindfulness. It involves the practice of pausing, moment by moment. We talked about this way back when in Step Three: “To find myself moment by moment, I take a mindful pause. ”

Now we are circling back to that. We are going back and saying: “OK, you have paid a lot of attention to all kinds of things about your life. You have made changes, but let’s go back and pay attention to that skill that you have developed during that time.”

Taking a mindful pause

You may not have consciously developed the practice of taking a mindful pause. However, you have been practicing it just by doing what you did. You have been paying attention to your behaviors. And you have been noticing what it feels like when you are avoiding what feels painful or challenging.

By paying attention to what it’s like to change a behavior, you have developed your ability to pay attention to your inner sense of self. So, don’t worry, as you approach Step Eleven, even if you feel: “Oh no, I never practiced the pause very much, if at all.” You likely did. You would not be here if you hadn’t. So this step is first an invitation to notice the many ways in which this kind of mindful pause has become more ingrained in you.

Mindfulness is not just something that happens when you stay cross-legged, you recite a mantra, or count your breath. There are many mindfulness meditation techniques. But mindfulness is not limited to these techniques. There are different ways to be mindful. It helps if you remember that mindfulness essentially means being more able to pay attention to what you’re doing and to be present with it. For instance, thoughtfulness is very much part of mindfulness.

With a mindful pause, you give yourself a chance to notice the default mode. You see what you do without thinking. You give yourself a chance to notice that there might be alternatives. It does necessarily mean that the other options are better. You may not even have to act differently. It’s just that you are giving yourself a chance to notice. It’s a way of slowing down. It’s a way of feeling that you have more options. In doing that, there is a calming effect. There is a grounding effect. There is a sense of opening and expansion that happens. Don’t you want more of this in your life?

Under pressure and fear, there is a sense of having no options. Being under pressure feels like you are caught in a vise, and the walls are squeezing you. The opposite of that experience is the ability to extend both arms and to push back against the walls. Then, you feel that the walls are moving back,

Step 11: I keep facing reality mindfully, moment by moment, with a mindful pause.

Discussion of Step 10:

I keep paying attention to the causes and effects of my actions. I act accordingly.

After going through steps Four through Nine, you could legitimately feel that you have turned a page. You could think that all that’s left now is to live happily ever after. Indeed, you are much more aware of what it is that makes you do what you do. You have identified patterns, you have understood what is behind them, and you have deeply understood how to change these patterns and applied these changes in real life. It is possible that, when you hear about Step Ten and about continuing to pay attention to the causes and effects of your actions, you feel that it’s a bit restrictive. But the idea here is not that you are naturally evil, and if you stop paying attention, you will misbehave.

Admittedly, this is the connotation that the original wording of Step Ten has in the traditional 12 Steps. The original text talks about being “wrong” and “admitting it.” The Twelve Steps of AA reflect a moral context in which there is a clear sense of right and wrong. You are hurting other people. There’s a genuine danger to this approach. It presumes that human nature is inherently evil.

Living in fear of yourself

If you feel that way about yourself, chances are you live in fear of your nature. You feel cramped because, at any time, you might do something terrible, hurtful to other people, unless you are always vigilant. Not only is it unpleasant to live with that sense of having to be constantly vigilant, but it’s also counterproductive. It adds to the pressure you are already feeling. You probably don’t need more of it in your life. Adding pressure keeps you into a hopeless loop, a vicious cycle: You keep pushing, pushing, pushing to improve, to be the best that you can be. As you keep pushing, you are cracking under too much pressure. This cycle feeds itself.

What we are talking about in the Proactive 12 Steps is something very different. Instead of fostering a sense of distrust in your abilities, you acknowledge your accomplishments and build on them. You see how going through steps 4 through 9 has been helping you understand yourself more. You see that this has been helping adapt what you’re doing to be the kind of person you want to be.

There is a sense of pleasure and liberation in being more aware of who you are and to change what you notice happening as it happens. There is a lot of satisfaction in being able to do this moment by moment in your life. When you feel this way, the process of Step Ten is very pleasurable. It is the opposite of feeling a rigid control, living in constant fear that you’re going to be doing something terrible. Instead, it is a process of enjoying being conscious of your life and appreciating it moment by moment. You are enjoying the mastery of being able to be who you want to be moment by moment.

Mindfulness as liberation

Ultimately, being mindful does not mean adding to your burdens. It is satisfying, as opposed to something that is imposed on you to cramp your style.

To use a practical example, let’s say that you intend to be mindful when you eat. You would like to notice and enjoy your food. If you turn this into an internal critic that is always criticizing the way you eat, you turn this into a nightmarish experience.

It’s much better to see it as an opportunity. You say to yourself: “I might be more conscious of how I eat and of how I enjoy my food.” When you notice that you’re eating without any sense of satisfaction, you don’t criticize yourself and put pressure on yourself; you don’t force yourself to find joy. You simply notice: “Gee, isn’t it strange how I don’t find satisfaction in eating?”

Noticing gives you an occasion for pausing and wondering.

Step 10: I keep paying attention to the causes and effects of my actions, and act accordingly.

We touch upon the personal and embodied impact of the polarized mind (or fixation on a single point of view to the utter exclusion of competing points of view).

 

Discussion of Step 9:

I apply these new mindful behaviors in my everyday life. I sincerely apologize to people I have hurt, except when counterproductive.

So far, we have been emphasizing a sense of going slowly, step-by-step, to better deal with what is blocking you from doing what you want to do. But eventually, there comes the point where the rubber meets the road. You put into practice what you have been preparing for.

The key here is to stay mindful

It’s not an either-or proposition. It’s not either you change your behavior, or you are mindful. It’s both. If you only focus on your conduct, it may happen in a blur, as you are forcing yourself to do what you believe you should be doing. You will likely be tense, not quite emotionally present as you’re doing it. This kind of change is not going to be lasting, and it’s not going to be satisfying. You’re adding stress and pressure to your life. In some way or another, it’s going contribute to your level of general and happiness, and lead you to act out. So it’s no good.

Applying things in real life does not mean forcing yourself to look from the outside as if you’re doing it. It means being present, mindful, grounded in doing it.

Recalibrating your expectations

Since we’re talking about changes that have to do with coping mechanisms, these changes are going to be difficult. The changes are not going to be smooth, and you’re not going to feel comfortable about that.

So if you expect that it should be smooth, you’re going to be disappointed. I want to recalibrate your expectations so that you’re realistic. You’re going to be noticing all kinds of turbulence inside. And that is good.

Conversely, if you expect that it all flows naturally and effortlessly, you’re going to be disappointed. You might disconnect from your feelings to not notice how stressful it is when you try to apply these new behaviors in real life.

I want to emphasize that the behaviors we are talking about are coping mechanisms because situations that trigger them are very stressful for you. As a result, you bypass the difficulty and go to a default mode. The bypass is related to the intensity of the stress that’s generated by the situation.

It hardly matters how much you have rehearsed alternative behaviors. When it comes time to implement them in real life, you’re back into the stress of the situation. And so it would be astonishing if it went smoothly. I would like you to be ready for that.

Remember that it’s going to be emotionally challenging to make these changes. You’re going to have a hard time trying to be emotionally present and mindful as you try to behave differently. So you need to engage your curiosity toward noticing how not present you are, how stressed you are, how difficult it feels. The turmoil is not strange. It is the lack of discomfort that would be strange.

A practical example

To make it a little more practical, let’s go back to the example that we used in Step 8. We were talking about somebody who has difficulty saying “no,” not just to new projects, but even saying “no” to people coming in and interrupting to talk about something. And so let’s say you’re that person.

In Step 8, you identified some ways to behave differently. For instance, say Tom comes into your office, asks if you have a minute, and you say: “Oh, sorry, Tom, I can’t do it right now, but what about this afternoon at 3?”

When you hear me say that, it feels OK. There’s no stress or pressure in my voice. But when Tom comes into your office, this is not the case. You are feeling jittery, feeling nervous, having difficulty looking at Tom in the eye. Your voice is strained. You might feel some sense of shame about it or,...

Step 9: I apply these new mindful behaviors in my everyday life.

Discussion of Step 8:

I explore alternative behaviors and rehearse them in safe settings.

So here we are very much in the thick of the step-by-step approach to changing questionable behavior patterns. By now, you have much more understanding of why it’s not a “Just Do It” attitude. We’re talking about patterns of behavior that have risen to cope with something overwhelming.

“Overwhelming” means it’s happening at a gut level. To make changes that are effective and sustainable, you have to go slowly. Not slowly for the sake of going slowly, but to be able to address the problem that caused the avoidance and coping behavior. So in this step, you are not yet about making any changes in real life. You are exploring and practicing possible changes in the privacy of your mind. That is, not with the intensity that is involved in interacting with others.

Baby steps are not just for babies

You might think that this is too much of a baby step. Well, it helps if you put it in perspective. Just look, for instance, at boxers. Practice in boxing is not limited to fighting. It involves using a punching ball. You also practice improving your form.

In martial arts, judo, karate, Aiki-Do, people spend a lot of time learning the movements slowly and deliberately. They practice the form in addition to doing practice fights. And all of this practice is not just for beginners. Even extremely advanced martial artists do that.

There is something similar in golf. Training does not just involve playing golf. You also practice the movement, the swing, and visualize how to do it. These should be mindful movements. To learn them better, it helps to practice them without the stress of the actual game, the pressure of performance.

A practical example

So let’s take a simple example. Let’s say that the behavior pattern you want to change is what happens when you’re at work, and people ask you to do something. Part of it is, they are asking you to do something, and how you manage that. Another part of it is the interruption.

When you think about it, you notice is that you tend to either be too accommodating and say yes, or you are irritable or negative or angry when people ask. You let people interrupt whatever you’re doing, you accept to take on more, and you end up feeling overwhelmed. You take on more than you can handle, even if that is listening to somebody else’s problems when you don’t have time for that. Being too accommodating, or being negative and angry, doesn’t work well for you (and others).

You’ve already paid attention to what emotional logic was involved in that. You’ve already got a sense of the level of pressure and fear that it brings up for you. So you understand why your automatic answers are what they are. And now you’re brainstorming some ways in which you can respond to people differently. To do that, you look back at past situations. What happened today? Last week?  What other moments do you remember? In Step 8, you look at them, not in terms of understanding why, but in terms of seeing how you could have done something differently.

Do you have a minute?

And so you remember an interaction with, say, Tom last week. He popped into your office, or your cubicle, and said: “Do you have a minute?” Reflexively, you said yes. But you did not have a minute. You were in the middle of something essential to you. And when you were listening to Tom explain whatever he wanted to tell you, you were in a state of inner frenzy, all tied up in knots because you were not able to hear him. You were still thinking about what you needed to do. And so you were really between two chairs, neither in one nor in the other.

So in the brainstorming part, you rewind to the moment when Tom said: “Do you have a minute?

Step 8: I explore alternative behaviors and rehearse them in safe settings.