Purpose Without Apology

Most women experience a lot of pressure to get married and have children by a certain age. The truth is that there are many benefits in being single, and if you’re only focused on pursuing marriage, you can miss them.

Debunking myths about single hood:

1. Myth #1: Marriage is a reward for good behavior in single hood. The reality is that marriage comes with its own set of troubles and challenges. Even healthy marriages have their downsides.
2. Myth #2: Single hood is a negative thing and single women must have something wrong with them. Single hood is not punishment for being promiscuous or not going to church. Many churches in particular have done a terrible job of shaming single women for their singleness, and that needs to change.
3. Myth #3 (Unpopular opinion): I'm concerned about the narrative that says you need to spend years “preparing to be a wife.” Premarital counseling and books are important, but be careful not to base your whole identity on whether you get married or not. That kind of message comes dangerously close to idolatry.

It’s not wrong to desire marriage. You can “be content in your singleness” while still desiring a husband. You just need to keep that desire in its proper place.

5 Things to Focus On When You're Single 

1. Spend time with God.

• Singles are able to fully devote themselves to God. Married people, in contrast, are focused on each other---“their interests are divided” (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).
• Paul argues that single hood is actually a gift, and it’s his personal preference for everyone (1 Corinthians 7:7).
• Again, it’s okay to desire marriage, but don’t make it an idol. If all your prayer time is spent asking for a husband, there’s a problem.

2. Heal from the trauma in your past.

• The earlier you heal from your mental and emotional baggage, the less likely you are to bring them into your marriage.

3. Get clear about your calling.

• You are a whole, complete person with a whole entire calling outside of your future husband. It's good to support your husband, but don't dismiss your own dreams and God-given purpose just to focus on his.

4. Invest in your relationships, especially friendships. 

• Friendships provide support, encouragement and accountability, which is even more important in singlehood.

5. Do something that helps your community.

• Serving helps you maintain gratitude and avoid obsessing about your own needs.

Action Step: Choose one of the 5 suggestions mentioned in this episode and focus on it for the next 30 days.

References:

• Episode 2: “Purpose, Calling, Assignment: What’s the Difference?”
• Episode 5: “5 Questions to Help You Discover Your Calling”

Guiding Scripture: “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5)

Famous quote: “Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.” (Unknown)

Most people have no idea how out of control their thought life really is. This is a big problem, because your thoughts influence virtually every aspect of your life in some way. Here are a few suggestions to help you get your thought life in order:

Think about what you’re thinking about.

• Take time to pay attention to your thoughts throughout the day. How often does your mind wander? How long does it take you to notice when it does?

What are you listening to and why?

• What kind of music do you listen to? How does it make you feel when you listen to it?
• What kind of news do you consume? How does it make you feel when you listen to it?
• There’s a difference between being informed and being influenced. When the information you’re consuming begins to affect your mood, you’re being influenced.

Who are you listening to and why?

• Consider the different voices you hear throughout your day, i.e., podcasters, social media influencers, coworkers, etc. How do you feel when you listen to them? Are they uplifting you or bringing you down?

Be willing to course-correct if your thought life gets off track.

1. Read the Bible for a Godly perspective.
2. Seek God in prayer.
3. Talk to other Christ followers who can validate your perspective.
4. I tell my son, “You can’t always control the thoughts that come into your head, but you can control whether or not they stay there.”
5. At the end of the day, you have to choose where to focus your mind.

Action Step: Conduct a “thought audit” of your thought life this week. Make changes to the information and voices you’re listening to if necessary.

Sometimes life is just hard for seemingly no reason. You put out one fire and three more spring up in its place. What do you do when that happens?

1. I take care of pressing physical needs first.
   • In other words, if I’m exhausted, I rearrange my schedule to get some sleep. If I’m starving, I drop whatever can wait and eat. If I’m sick, I force myself to rest.
   • It helps to be aware of your emotional triggers here. We all have trouble making good decisions when we’re stressed, but the specifics can differ. My husband struggles with his temper when he’s hungry, while I’m a mess when I’m sleep-deprived.
2. I find a few minutes to spend time alone with God.
   • This is helpful for two reasons. First, it gives me a chance to vent about what’s causing me stress. Second, it allows God to give me direction about what comes next.
   • When I think I don’t have time for God, those are the times when I most need to make time for Him. (Mary and Martha reference, Luke 10:38-42)
3. I vent to a friend or family member.
   • I’ve noticed that a lot of Christ followers do all their venting to either God or other people, but not both. God designed us to rely on both Him and other people; it’s not either/or, it’s both/and.
   • Make sure you’re venting to the right people, people who will feed your faith instead of your dysfunction.
4. I ask for help.
   • This might be the most difficult step to execute. Many of us either don’t have the support we need, or we don’t want to take advantage of the support we have.
   • If you don’t have a support system, you need to make building one a priority. Go to church, join clubs, etc.
   • If you do have support, humble yourself and ask for it. Don’t have a nervous breakdown because of pride.
5. I accept help when it’s offered.
   • Sometimes you need help, but you don’t know what to ask for. The best friends will just do without asking first. When that help comes, accept it without fighting.

Action Step: If you’re feeling overwhelmed right now, choose at least one of the suggestions from this episode and try it this week. If it helps, make it one of your go-to coping mechanisms from now on.

Perfectionism is one of those flaws that we don’t really consider a flaw. In many circles, it’s normalized and even encouraged.
I used to embrace perfectionism. Now, I call myself a “recovering perfectionist.”

1. Perfectionism is a double-edged sword. That’s why it’s so hard to give up. It comes with certain benefits:
   • Perfectionism pushes you toward excellence and accomplishment. In fact, some researchers argue that there is a “healthy” level of perfectionism that is related to high standards, motivation and discipline.
   • Perfectionism is rewarded by society.
   • Perfectionism sometimes makes you feel better about yourself, albeit in small, superficial ways.
2. The downside, however, is that perfectionism comes at a steep price:
   • It’s linked with a number of mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, OCD and low self-esteem.
   • At its worst, perfectionism makes you feel like even your best efforts are never good enough, which can lead to discouragement and despair.
   • Ironically, perfectionism can keep you from taking risks, learning and developing new skills due to the fear of making mistakes.
3. How I became a “recovering” perfectionist:
   • I recognized that my best efforts aren’t good enough for God, and they don’t have to be.
   • I studied the Bible to affirm my identity as a child of God.
   • I changed to a big-picture perspective that highlights purpose, legacy and faith.
   • I remind myself that “done and good enough” is always better than “perfect and never done.”
   • As a rule, I try to limit self-criticism. In other words, I choose to celebrate my wins, rather than complaining about my losses.
4. Action Steps:
   1. If you’re a Christian, study the use of the word “righteous” in the Bible. How is this word used to describe us? Why is it significant that God has made us righteous? 
   2. If you’re not a Christian, consider the last time you were tempted to make something in your life “perfect.” Brainstorm some ways to approach that situation with a “done is better than perfect” mentality. How can you handle things differently next time?
5. Resources:
   1. Article: “The Dangerous Downsides of Perfectionism” https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20180219-toxic-perfectionism-is-on-the-rise

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” - African proverb

Humans in general are wired for relationships, and women in particular tend to define our happiness by the quality of our relationships.

According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, our need to feel loved and belong comes before our need for esteem and self-actualization. In other words, it’s hard to achieve your full potential if you don’t feel supported.

What do you do when the people you love most don’t support your God-given purpose?

1. First, ask yourself who is the “they” that’s not supporting you? Be honest. Many people get distracted when strangers don’t support them, even though the people who matter most are supportive.
2. Next, make sure you’re seeing the situation clearly. Sometimes our loved ones have good reasons for being skeptical about our choices.
   • Take a self-inventory of your actions here. Have you bounced from one idea to another without much follow through?
   • If you’ve been inconsistent, you need to offer clear, quantifiable results in order to win over doubters.
   • For example, if your husband doubts your ability to start a business, you may want to find a way to bootstrap it until you earn an income. Once you’re actually making money, he’s much more likely to support you.
3. Make sure you’re being realistic in your definition of “support.” For example, just because you open a business doesn’t mean your family and friends have to (or even should) buy from you. Many people experience unnecessary hurt when they had unrealistic expectations of their loved ones in the first place.
4. If your loved ones truly are being toxic, you need to create a new support system. A few places to start:
   • Your church (small groups are a great place for mentorship and encouragement)
   • Local organizations that mirror your interests (i.e., entrepreneurship clubs if you’re starting a business)
   • Online forums, especially Facebook groups

Action Step: Take 30 minutes to create a list of 5 people in your life who currently support your life choices. If you can't come up with 5 people, use the suggestions listed above to help you meet people who can potentially become your new support system.

References:

https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

We live in a highly unfocused and easily distracted society. A few statistics that prove this:

• Distracted driving is the number 1 cause of car accidents in the U.S.
• Distractions cost U.S. companies $650 billion per year on average.
• The average internet user spends 5 years and 4 months of their life on social networks.

So, how do we become more focused? The Bible has a lot to say about this:

1. Keep God and His kingdom first (Matthew 6:33).
2. Fix or set your thoughts on Godly things (Phillippians 4:8, Colossians 3:2, Hebrew 3:1).
3. Take every thought captive that goes against what we know about God (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Focus is just as much about what we choose not to pay attention to as it is what we do pay attention to. 

• It’s difficult to remove a negative habit without adding a new one in its place, and vice versa.
• For example, it’s hard to give up foods that are bad for you without having a plan to eat healthier foods instead.
• There are only so many hours in a day. When you choose to focus more on one area of your life, you’re choosing to focus less on another area by default.

5 areas where you need focus most:

1. Faith: Are you pursuing God and maintaining a strong relationship with Him?
2. Health: Do you feel healthy and strong most of the time?
3. Relationships: What are your core values? Are you all going the same direction?
4. Career: Are you working toward a destination or just trying to get to payday?
5. Money: What financial goals do you have?

What I’m focused on right now:

1. My walk with God: Am I seeking Him and His purpose for my life?
2. My family: Loving my husband and children well (5 Love Languages)
3. My health: Adding more vegetables to my diet, getting up earlier and exercising
4. My career: Writing projects and the Purpose Without Apology podcast

Action Steps: 

1. Choose one area of your life that needs more of your attention, and commit to focusing on that area for the next 30 days.
2. Choose one aspect of your life that needs less attention from you, and spend less time on it over the next 30 days.

Resources:

1. https://www.businessinsider.com/millionaire-study-wealth-factors-confidence-focus-2019-1
2. https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/the-6-high-performance-habits-only-the-most-extrao.html
3. https://stopad.io/blog/interrupted-work-statistics

Guiding Scripture: "The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride." (Ecclesiastes 7:8 NIV)

Right now, a lot of life coaches and social media influencers are giving detailed strategies for how to prepare for the new year. Personally, I like to keep things simple. Here's a list of the things I have been doing (and will continue to do) as we leave 2019 and head into 2020:

1. Pray and seek God’s direction for the new year (Proverbs 3:5-6).
2. Have a year-in-review meeting with my husband.
3. Check in with my kids about their goals and possibly update them.
4. Spend time catching up with my closest friends and ask how I can support them better.
5. Revisit and update my goals and dreams. I have monthly, quarterly and annual goals, along with a basic 5-year plan that I check---and revise---regularly.
6. Make time to rest. Don’t miss this step. It’s a critical one that so many women miss for many reasons, and when we do, we pay the price.

Action Steps: 

1. Schedule time to do a “year-in-review” with your family (or an accountability partner if you’re single). Put in on your calendar so it doesn’t get lost in the holiday chaos.
2. Make as much time for rest and self-care as possible, even if it’s just an hour or two. Try to set aside an entire day if you can. 

Relationship Goals are based on comparison. 

• You will never find happiness trying to imitate someone else’s dynamic. It’s like trying to wear an outfit in your friend’s size. It may fit her, but it will look strange on you.
• What works for another couple may not work for you. Or, it works okay for you, but something else could work better.

Relationship Goals are based on illusions rather than reality. 

• You never know what’s really going on with your favorite couple behind closed doors.
• Most families have dark secrets behind a happy facade (ex. Abusive husbands, fathers with secret families, etc.)

Relationship Goals are based on superficial traits, and rarely the traits that matter most.

You’re not in the right mental or emotional place to have relationship goals. 

• If you’re not in a good place mentally, you are much more likely to mistake toxic relationships for healthy ones.

Relationship Goals can (and should) change over time. What works in one season doesn’t work in another. This is why many marriages end after the children leave home.

What to do instead of pursuing #RelationshipGoals:

• Listen to advice from people who have healthy, lasting relationships and have a dynamic similar to yours.
• Study relationship advice from educated, professional experts (Ex. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman).
• Seek professional counseling to help you get to the root of any problems you have, so you can improve.
• Practice trial and error. Sometimes you won’t know if a certain strategy works unless you try it.

At the end of the day, you need to create your own relationship goals. Figure out what works best for you and stick to that. 

Action Steps: 

1. If you’re in a relationship (dating or married), set aside time with your significant other to discuss what a strong relationship looks like for you. Make a plan to improve in areas where you may be struggling.
2. If you’re single, take time to really consider what a healthy relationship looks like to you. Be clear about your non-negotiables and areas where you can be flexible.

Guiding Scripture: Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21)

At some point in your life, God will ruin your plans. Here’s why:

1. He has His own plans for us (Jeremiah 29:11).
2. His plans are better than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9).
3. He wants us to trust Him even when we don’t understand (Proverbs 3:5-6).

When God ruins your plans, you have two choices: You can either fight God and hang onto your plan, or let go and embrace His.

How God ruined my plans:

1. I planned to become an attorney, but God led me to change my career track during my senior year of college.  
2. I planned to pursue a career before starting a family, but God sent my husband to me in high school, which led to me getting married and having children at a young age.
3. I planned to be comfortable financially, but God allowed my husband and me to struggle with money for many years.
4. One of my biggest struggles has been that I planned to work in a traditional 9-to-5 job, but God called me to become a stay-at-home/work-at-home mom.

Key Point: Your ruined plans will often be someone else’s dream life. That doesn’t make them any less ruined for you.

3 things to do when God ruins your plans: 

1. Feel your feelings and take them to God. You’re human, and it’s okay to be disappointed.
2. Next, ask God why He ruined your plans and what He wants you to learn from it.
3. Be obedient and make a new plan with God’s help.

Once you've decided to lay down your plans and accept God's, it's important for you to find accountability partners to keep you on track. You will be tempted to go back to your old plans because they’re comfortable and familiar.

Action Step: Get honest with God in prayer about the ways you feel He’s ruined your life. Begin doing the hard work to wrestle with your issues, whatever they are. This will take time. It doesn’t happen overnight.

When it comes to entrepreneurship, a lot of people are quick to say, “That isn’t for everyone.” In this episode, I want to make the case for entrepreneurship being a viable and desirable option that women of all backgrounds should a least consider.

Entrepreneurship is on the rise, especially for women. A few facts:

1. According to a study from American Express, the number of women-owned businesses increased by 114 percent between 1997 and 2017, a rate 2.5 times higher than the national average. In 2018, 11.6 million U.S. businesses were women-owned and generated more than $1.7 trillion in revenue.
2. Women with established businesses rate their well-being almost three times higher than women who aren’t entrepreneurs, and 1.6 times higher than their male counterparts. 68 percent of women owners run their businesses from home, and 78 percent of female entrepreneurs believe they’ve achieved work-life balance.
3. 71 percent of new women-owned businesses launched each day are owned by women of color, with Black women as the fastest-growing group of entrepreneurs.

Entrepreneurship is an especially appealing option for women due to:

1. Flexibility
2. More opportunities for growth
3. More control over income
4. The ability to pursue personal interests and passions

Many times, especially for marginalized groups, entrepreneurship is a necessity due to a lack of traditional workplace opportunities. This was my experience.

There’s a difference between being an entrepreneur and an employer:

1. An entrepreneur is anyone who goes into business for themselves. This often includes businesses with only one employee (the business creator). People who “own their jobs” in this way are known as solopreneurs.
2. An employer is a person or company that provides a job paying wages or a salary to one or more people
3. It’s possible to be an entrepreneur without being an employer. In fact, most entrepreneurs are. According to the Small Business Administration, over 70 percent of businesses in the United States are owned and operated by sole proprietors.

You don't have to quit your job! You can always start and run a part-time business, either on its own or in addition to your current job. Expand your thinking about entrepreneurship.

Even if you don’t want to own a business, you should at least have multiple streams of income. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Investments: If you don’t want to own a business, owning stock in someone else’s business is the next best thing.
2. Real estate: Buying and holding property will provide you with cash flow, which ensures you can pay your bills even if you lose your 9 to 5.

Action Step: Go back to the information you wrote down about your calling and assignment from episodes #2 and #5. Use that information to brainstorm ideas for a potential side hustle.

Resources:

1. Episode 2: “Purpose, Calling, Assignment: What’s the Difference?”
2. Episode 5: “5 Questions to Help You Discover Your Calling”
3. "25 Intriguing Facts About the State of Female Entrepreneurship" from Startup Nation