Quaid In Full

If YOU had a time desk, you too would invite Rolling Stone's chief TV critic, Alan Sepinwall, to burn messages into it about Frequency, the year-2000 time-travel/father-son therapy/serial-killer thriller that kicks off QIF's sixth season. Twenty minutes of clumsy exposition to lead off, "special" effects, Pissy Cop Wife tropes, Chekhov's Mets trivia, Qing Of Queens accentry, and repeated violations of the prime directive AND quantum physics...the movie has zero business working, and yet, we're putty in its hands. Find out why we think that is, and which Emmerich owes Alan five bucks, in the season premiere of Quaid In Full.

Overall score: 8.17

SHOW NOTES

Special Guest: Alan Sepinwall.

Defector's David J. Roth pulls up a seat on the second footballiest day of the year as we talk about Oliver Stone's Any Given Sunday, a 157-minute "exploration of boundaries of filmmaking by peole who are permanently on LSD." Whether it's a #poppyfieldsmovie, why it looks so cheap, which Al Pacino(s) we get in this performance and what the F he's wearing, whose performance is most affecting (spoiler: LT's), what that smell is (spoiler: amyl nitrate), and much more in our discussion of a film that lists all the capital-I Issues with pro football, then chooses to run B-roll of lightning instead of engaging with them. Feast your ears on the fifth-season finale of Quaid In Full.

Overall score: 7.33

Breaks: "They Call It Pro Football" (1966); "The Autumn Wind" and "Round Up" by Sam Spence

SHOW NOTES

Special Guest: David J. Roth.

Short Cuts waterboarded with sno-cone syrup...Love Actually from factory-irregular parts...a catastrophically premature Magnolia...it's Playing By Heart, which is 40 minutes too long, coy about a meaningless end reveal, and contains very few believable situations or lines of dialogue. How desperate is Angelina Jolie to get a reaction from her wooden scene partner? Why is James Bond obliged to deliver Intercourse PA jokes that are beneath even SDB? Why in god's name didn't Quaid and Anthony Edwards swap roles? And will your co-hosts ever agree on whether Serious Ack-tor DQ has to poo...or can't poo? We're aligned on the poo levels of the film, at least; it's an all-new Quaid In Full.

Overall score: 3

SHOW NOTES

We're moving into the DILF era for Quaid with 1998's The Parent Trap, which is too long, too loud, and too blithe about the Unsolved Mysteries segment that is this family's narrative...and yet its "welcome unreality" is charming, and so is Quaid. And so is our guest, Tara Ariano, who joined us for a discussion of everything from LiLo charisma wattage to Elaine Hendrix's score-settling hair to whether this is a poppy-fields movie. Turn your Hallmark brains on and welcome Dennis Quaid's teeth back to the podcast: it's an all-new Quaid In Full.

Overall score: 6

SHOW NOTES

Special Guest: Tara Ariano.

It's DQ's directorial debut, a TNT movie called Everything That Rises -- and while there's no discernible connection to Flannery O'Connor, the flick's surprisingly good. Okay, the transfer we watched was very bad, and the dialogue's laconic sarcasm was a little TOO uniform across characters, but between Harve Presnell; an unnecessary but amusing barroom brawl; and Quaid being too busy directing to overact, the thing won us over. It's Hallmark meets Cormac McCarthy, plus the debut of Ask A Horse Girl, so quit Loaf-ing and listen to an all-new Quaid In Full.

Overall score: 7.75

SHOW NOTES

Our journey through the constipated-avenging-angel portion of DQ's c.v. continues with Savior, a harsh, weird, budge allegory of war and human connection set in the Balkans. Jeb adds to his collection of hall-of-fame Skarsgard quotes, Sarah doesn't know how sniping works, and a sociopath in a Luke Perry t-shirt trolls everyone, including the accent coach, in an all-new Quaid In Full.

Overall score: 7

SHOW NOTES

Time is a flat Quaid in our Switchback episode: this miscast, dour late-'90s bag of action clichés is allegedly a remake of a German film called Kidnapped, but we can't find any corroborating evidence of that...or of Quaid's essential Quaidiness, as his Special Agent Hoint LaGlower roams the country trying to find the son someone -- Danny Glover? Jordan Catalano? -- snatched in the opening flashback.

Overall score: 3.75

SHOW NOTES

Kevin Smokler joins us for the third least Quaidy project QIF has covered to date: Gang Related. It's Tupac Shakur's last film, and he's very good, but it's also three or four different films patched together into a quilt of dropped threads and tone problems -- and it's NOT very good, despite an all-star cast, a couple of hilarious line readings, and a guy we'll call Nott William Winters. And as for Quaid, well, if you ever wondered what it might look like to throw Andy Dufresne's Shawshank testimony in a blender with Jason Priestley trying to cry? Here it is. Paul Blart, Rampart Suspect, the retiring-cop boat trope, Quaid's Fugitive, and why you should probably watch Stakeout instead in an all-new Quaid In Full.

Overall score: 4.67

SHOW NOTES

Special Guest: Kevin Smokler.

For some reason, Dennis Quaid's PG-13 energy was deemed a good fit with the most famous kids' show of all time, which is how "Uncle Tommy From Da Bronx" ended up helping Telly learn about telling the truth and trusting your friends. After a review of the show's astronaut credibility from an actual child, we talked about Allan Sherman, Scully's cellphone, and whether Sarah's dad is a changeling. Don't scream "HELP" unless you really need it: it's an all-new Quaid In Full.

Overall score: 7

SHOW NOTES

Welcome back! Return with us now to those Dragonheart days of yesteryear, as Quaid, Connery, Dina Meyer, and two-bucks-a-pound wigs team up to challenge The Old Code at Medieval Times Bratislava. David T. Cole joins us to discuss bottle-rocket accentry, the Harrison Ford you can afford, giving yourself up to stupid shit, post-zipline trauma, and what happens when a little Quaid alien gets trapped inside the John Hurt that is the one true knight.

Overall score: 5.33

SHOW NOTES

Special Guest: David T. Cole.