Quaid In Full

Tara Ariano returns to send Season 4 of QIF out on an ice floe with Something To Talk About, 1995's marriage/family dramedy starring Julia Roberts; directed by Lasse Hallstrom (!); and written by Callie Khouri (!!). What is it about this "Hallmark movie, but with an associates degree" that lets it hold together despite what Tara called "a fundamental 'should this have happened? maybe not?' quality"? Good sister chemistry with Kyra Sedgwick and a couple of relatable town gossips triumph over zyde-faux, flagrant reshoot-wig fouls, and a BS excuse for infidelity; and WE triumph over the early-to-mid-nineties portion of Quaid's c.v. If you're the one person who would have appreciated SDB's in-and-out joke, high five; everyone else, grab a helmet: it's an all-new Quaid In Full.

Overall score: 6

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Special Guest: Tara Ariano.

The good news is, Dennis Quaid is great in Wyatt Earp! The bad news is...the "in Wyatt Earp" part, as the film is interminable, perfused with beige Costnerian self-regard, and did we mention how long it is? It's long, which I guess is what happens when you cast literally half of SAG. Tom Sizemore, the poor man's Tom Sizemore, apparitions of fatherliness, and the endless wait for arrival at the corralworks factory all detract from a fascinating steampunk performance from Quaid in an all-new Quaid In Full.

Overall score: 2.5

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Is it in your blood? We're tackling 1993's Flesh & Bone, featuring Jimmy Caan shoulders; a hall-of-fame patented "look bored and smoke" performance from Gwynnie; armadillo fan fic; Sophoclean MFA-program writing prompts; Car Guy Sarah not being a car guy; the conflation of Johnnies Damon and Depp; and a successful iteration of Dennis Del Mar. Pack up your painted chickens -- it's an all-new Quaid In Full.

Overall score: 6.75

SHOW NOTES

Our second ep in a row with the I Don't Even Own A Television crew features JW Friedman -- and a much better, fizzier film all around, despite dragging us back to Nawlins and almost going full zydeco. This "nearly totally frictionless" caper is "a happier flavor of so-so" than we anticipated, but we still have questions, like whether the Coens are secret Quaidheads, if/how Herbert Ross directs his actors, what an Ocean's Two would look like, and why we're being punished with a combination of Vince McMahon hair, Reagan voice, and Trump smug smile on DQ. Get your best pleat euphemisms ready; it's an all-new Quaid In Full.

Overall score: 6.67

SHOW NOTES

Special Guest: JW Friedman.

Chris Collision of the I Don't Even Own A Television podcast is joining us for the misbegotten Wilder Napalm, the early Vince Gilligan joint that would have made a much better X-Files episode than it did a feature film. Arli$$ jokes, aggressive quirk, a Van Helsing comparison somehow, beefcake snarling at each other, Manic Pixie Dream Winger, and a lead who should have failed out of clown college all add up to a very nineties pyrokinetic love triangle with no figurative fireworks. Close up the Quik Foto; it's an all-new Quaid In Full.

Overall score: 4

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Special Guest: Chris Collision.

Everybody is in 1990 Mike Nichols joint Postcards From The Edge -- and almost everybody's on our episode discussing it! Returning guest John Ramos and first-time longtime Tara Ariano join us to talk about forgotten addiction storylines, if it's possible to miscast Meryl Streep, the Gene Hackman podcast we all long for, acting-legend master classes, and character studies of yesteryear that would be TV shows today. Plus, ONE of us listened to The Dennissance...and another one of us feels pretty guilty that that occurred. Get ready for an endolphin rush in an all-new Quaid In Full.

Overall score: 8.5

SHOW NOTES

Special Guests: John Ramos and Tara Ariano.

It's a love story, a family story, AND a history that probably got sold on the strength of Dennis Quaid's involvement...even though he really shouldn't be Great White Savioring it up with the windows closed in the first place, but we do find a handful of things to like about 1991's Come See The Paradise . It's from the director of Birdy, Fame, and other fondly remembered properties; it's also miscast, oddly scored, and about 20 more minutes of reading The Japanese Internment Camps: An Explainer than we needed. So, we talked about Quaidspiracy theories, why DQ didn't play the Joker, and butt ratios instead.

Overall score: 5

SHOW NOTES

What can we say about this offensively misconceived slice of Jerry Lee Lewis's late-'50s life, one that casts his "relationship" (ugh) with his 13-year-old cousin (blerf) as a quirkumstance of romantical fate? Well, we can say cocaine was involved; we can wonder if the estate of Foghorn Leghorn sued Dennis Quaid's performance for copyright infringement; and we can admire Winona Ryder's performance as Myra Gale while thinking it makes the story immeasurably ickier. On a scale of one to Hasselhoff, we give DQ's effort a (NC-)17, but very little about this bowdlerization of Myra Gale's memoir works. Also, "Alec Baldwin as Jimmy Swaggart." MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVER'BUDDEH!

Overall score: 3

SHOW NOTES

Craig Calcaterra joins us this week for a very sports-movie-y sports movie: Everybody's All-American, a "one wedding and one long funeral" look at a college gridiron star's early peak and interminable fall that doesn't know which set of Quarterback Agonistes clichés it wants to use, and recycled Sophie's Choice's Stingo as Timothy Hutton's Cake, with merkinacious results. The three of us had a lot of questions -- why the hot cousin is A Thing in the Quaidverse, why the movie isn't about Jessica Lange's Babs and Carl Lumbly's Blue, and how Wayne Knight feels about that "Fraternity Pisser" credit, just for starters. At least Craig was a good sport about watching this dud, even

Overall score: 3

SHOW NOTES

Special Guest: Craig Calcaterra.

It's another thriller, but we aren't thrilled by 1988's D.O.A., featuring Dennis Quaid as a former wunderkind novelist turned tenured professor in a rut. No: really. Is that off-label casting why this confrontationally sweaty film doesn't work? Is it the lack of onscreen chemistry between Quaid and Jane Kaczmarek...AND Jane and Meg Ryan? Does a fetal Robert "T-Bag" Knepper need more to do? New Coke, Silk Stalkings, Wonder Boys, Binder & Binder, and the heartbreak of chronic zydeco all factor into our discussion of a "noir" in which noir wit doesn't factor...at all.

Overall score: 3.5

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