“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” (James 1:19 NLT)

You can tell a lot about people by the things they’re quick to do and the things they’re slow to do. For instance, some people are slow to get to a party and quick to leave. Some people are quick to make a mess and slow to clean it up. Some people are slow to promote themselves and quick to praise others.

How would your family, or the people who know you best, describe you in terms of being quick to do one thing and slow to do another? How would you describe yourself? What do you think that says about you?

How well do you align with James’ model in the verse above—being “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry”? Most of us get it completely backward. We’re slow to listen, quick to speak, and quick to get angry.

We listen just long enough to convince ourselves that we have pearls of wisdom to contribute. We’re quick to interrupt by offering advice or steering the conversation where we want it to go. And if our pearls of wisdom or attempts to “solve the problem” aren’t appreciated, we get angry and blame the other person.

This is a challenge many married couples face. When your spouse comes to you with a problem, instead of cutting him or her off by saying, “Here’s what you need to do,” try saying something like, “Tell me why this is bothering you.” And then listen—closely, and for as long as your spouse needs to talk. Even—and especially—if your spouse’s problem is with you.

Resist the urge to dismiss the problem as something insignificant. Find a way to work it out calmly. Avoid raising your voice. If you feel rage boiling up inside you, walk away until it goes away. Follow the advice of the apostle Paul in Ephesians 4:31–32: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you” (NLT).

Ruth Graham, the wife of Billy Graham, once said, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” That’s part of being slow to get angry. You must learn how to forgive, how to keep short accounts, how not to bring up things that happened twenty years ago. Remember, your goal is to work things out and find a resolution. Paul also says in Ephesians 4:26, “Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry” (NLT). So don’t go to bed angry at each other. Fight to resolve, not to win.

Of course, you can often avoid the anger by being quick to listen. And by being slow to speak—and making sure that when you do speak, you’re considering your spouse’s needs in that moment. And by keeping a long fuse on your anger by refusing to get mad about things that ultimately don’t matter.

Reflection question: How can you become quicker to listen, slower to speak, and slower to get angry?

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