Quiet, Not Silent: Recovering with BPD

CW: Mentions of DV, Assault, Body Shaming

EMDR is going to be very, very hard for me to do. And I know I can f*cking do it.

This is what trauma does, though. It breaks you into pieces.

I needed to let myself break, instead of absorbing it all and eroding slowly into dust.

And I can put myself back together, perfectly imperfect.

This is The Art of Falling Apart.

Four years ago, during the first year of the pandemic, I became a victim of intimate partner violence. In order to survive and cope with the ongoing abuse, I suppressed my emotions and memories, and denied my reality. Finally, after leaving in December 2020, I began my journey of healing - and part of this journey involved content creation and community. In the years that followed, I was not yet in a stable enough place, emotionally, to be confident that I could handle EMDR. Now, after completing DBT, building my support system, and taking my time coming to terms with various traumas from the past, I am finally in a position to try.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy approach aimed at alleviating distress associated with traumatic memories. We can process these memories using bilateral stimulation, such as eye movements, taps, or sounds.

I recorded this voice note before going to bed after doing an Assessment Phase of EMDR that day. Here's how it worked:

• Assessment: We went into my personal history, current symptoms, and trauma experiences. This is to help my therapist have a look at my unique needs, triggers, and areas of distress. We talked about specific memories that were especially coming up for me and causing problems for me. We then talked about my particular goals with EMDR.
• Target Memories: We talked about some of my specific memories that are causing me distress. These memories are really emotionally charged, recurrent, and have a significant impact on my functioning and specifically my self-worth.
• Distress Levels: My therapist asked me to rate the level of distress associated with each memory. For her, this helps to prioritize which memories to address first and provides a baseline for tracking progress.
• The Container: We went through a visualization exercise with me in order to bring me back to the present and manage my difficult emotions after.

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The Quiet BPD Keep is a recovery-focused community that offers daily affirmations, tarot readings, self-care reminders, DBT skills, books and resources, and more. Age 18+, LGBTQ+ and 420 friendly.

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Recorded with: Podcastle

Music by: ODDBAHL • Lunareh • Out of Flux

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Content Warning: Discussion of Self H*rm

Behaviorism is a scientific approach in psychology that focuses on the study of observable behaviors rather than people’s internal mental processes. The reason it's good to consider Behaviorism when learning about Interpersonal Effectiveness, is because it's helpful for us to understand how to reinforce the behaviour we want to see in ourselves and in others, and to make sure we're conscious of the ways we might be reinforcing unwanted behaviours without realizing.

In this episode, I’ll go over my reflections on the FINAL WEEK of the course, including:

• What is Classical and Operant Conditioning?
• What is Positive and Negative Reinforcement?
• Why do we need to reinforce behavior when people should just know it's the right thing to do?
• What is the difference between Continuous and Intermittent Reinforcement?
• Are we reinforcing other people's behaviour without even realizing it?
• What is the difference between Positive and Negative Punishment?
• Why isn't punishment effective in eliminating behaviours in the long term?
• MICROHABIT TRACKERS: Reinforcing your own behavior

Thank you to Roland, Alicia, Jesse, and the TheraHive team for collaborating with me and allowing me to try out this course!

QUIET BPD PATREON | TYSM to my wonderful patrons:

Christian • Steph • Winter Peach • Ashley Marie • Tom • Mimi • Kristen • Bjorn • Laura • Sierra • Bree • Ruxia

Your support helps me to keep going. <3

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Blog Post: Dr. Jesse Finkelstein Joins 'Quiet, Not Silent' podcast to Share Insights on DBT

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SHOP: Heart & Sleeve Co.

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The Quiet BPD Keep is a recovery-focused community with daily affirmations, tarot readings, DBT skills, books and resources, and more. Age 18+, LGBTQ+ and 420 friendly.

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Music by: ODDBAHL • Lunareh • Out of Flux

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My content is meant for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for professional clinical advice, diagnosis, or therapy.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), the fourth and final module - known as Interpersonal Effectiveness - teaches you skills to communicate effectively, set boundaries, and maintain relationships while achieving your personal goals. If you'd like to take this exact course, here's a 25% discount code you can use on your deposit - just cause you listen to my pod. (QUIETBPD25)

Many people with BPD have a tendency to think in polarized ways, referred to as black and white thinking, or “splitting”, in the sense that you’re split right down the middle and can only think on one side or the other - no in-between. In our relationships, we often subconsciously engage in idealization and devaluation: coping responses to a fear of abandonment.

This week is all about Dialectics: the foundation of DBT. Dialectics refer to the concept that two opposing things can BOTH be true at the same time. That there is no one OR the other. That there is instead, a Yes, AND.

Thank you to Roland, Alicia, Jesse, and the TheraHive team for having me try out this course!

P.S. The first Patreon BPD n CHILL WAS AMAZING!! Thanks for coming! The full hour is now on Patreon. And if you missed this one... You're invited to the next one! <3

TYSM to my wonderful patrons:

Christian • Steph • Winter Peach • Ashley Marie • Tom • Kristen • Mimi • Bjørn • Pluto • Laura • Ruxia • Bree

Your support helps me to keep going. <3

[ m o r e ]

TheraHive: DBT Skills Group, Course Info

Need a DBT Skill? DBT Pocket Guide

Blog Post: Dr. Jesse Finkelstein Joins 'Quiet, Not Silent' podcast to Share Insights on DBT

[ s o c i a l s ]

INSTAGRAM | PATREON

averythequiet.carrd.co

SHOP: Heart & Sleeve Co.

[ d i s c o r d ]

The Quiet BPD Keep is a recovery-focused community that offers daily affirmations, tarot readings, self-care reminders, DBT skills, books and resources, and more. Age 18+, LGBTQ+ and 420 friendly.

[ c r e d i t s ]

Music by: ODDBAHL • Lunareh • Out of Flux

[ d i s c l a i m e r ]

My content is meant for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for professional clinical advice, diagnosis, or therapy.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), the fourth and final module - known as Interpersonal Effectiveness - teaches you skills to communicate effectively, set boundaries, and maintain relationships while achieving your personal goals. If you'd like to take this exact course, here's a 25% discount code you can use on your deposit - just cause you listen to my pod. (QUIETBPD25)

In this week of TheraHive's course, we'll go over two DBT tools: FAST, and The Dime Game.

FAST is a skill you can use in an interaction where your self-respect should be prioritized. It stands for Fair; Apology-Free; Stick to your values; Truthful.

The Dime Game is a great tool you can refer back to any time, especially with issues where you're unsure who to go to for advice on the situation.

You also don't need to memorize it all. Here's The Dime Game.

In this episode, I’ll go over my reflections on Week 4 of the course, including:

• What kind of things can I used the FAST skill for?
• Am I right to prioritize my self respect sometimes?
• What does it look like to use the FAST skill effectively?
• How do I balance the priorities of both my self respect and my relationships?
• Am I justified in asking for things or saying no?
• Ten things to consider when determining how strongly you should ask or say no
• What does it look like to use The Dime Game to say no to someone?
• What does it mean when we need to put our safety or survival before using the Dime Game?

Thank you to Roland, Alicia, Jesse, and the TheraHive team for having me try out this course!

TYSM to my wonderful patrons:

Christian • Steph • Winter Peach • Ashley Marie • Tom • Kristen • Mimi • Bjorn • Pluto • Laura

Your support helps me to keep going. <3

[ m o r e ]

TheraHive: DBT Skills Group, Course Info

Need a DBT Skill? DBT Pocket Guide

Blog Post: Dr. Jesse Finkelstein Joins 'Quiet, Not Silent' podcast to Share Insights on DBT

[ s o c i a l s ]

INSTAGRAM | PATREON

averythequiet.carrd.co

SHOP: Heart & Sleeve Co.

[ d i s c o r d ]

The Quiet BPD Keep is a recovery-focused community that offers daily affirmations, tarot readings, self-care reminders, DBT skills, books and resources, and more. Age 18+, LGBTQ+ and 420 friendly.

[ c r e d i t s ]

Music by: ODDBAHL • Lunareh • Out of Flux

[ d i s c l a i m e r ]

My content is meant for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for professional clinical advice, diagnosis, or therapy.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), the fourth and final module - known as Interpersonal Effectiveness - teaches you skills to communicate effectively, set boundaries, and maintain relationships while achieving your personal goals. If you'd like to take this exact course, here's a 25% discount code you can use on your deposit - just cause you listen to my pod. (QUIETBPD25)

A lot of times, it’s not what you say that can be effective, it’s HOW you say it. The GIVE skill stands for: Gentle, Interested, Validate, and Easy Manner.

The GIVE skill in DBT is all about the Relationship Effectiveness objective when it comes to interpersonal situations, and it’s meant to help you leave that situation with the other person thinking well of you.

Do you wanna be RIGHT, or do you wanna be EFFECTIVE?

In this episode, I’ll go over my reflections on Week 3 of the course, including:

• Why do we sometimes make threats or make our behaviour someone else's responsibility?
• How do we stop using these kinds of coping mechanisms in order to make ourselves heard?
• How can I be gentle, without being passive?
• What happens when we effectively use the GIVE skill in tougher interactions?
• What does it mean to validate someone? Should we validate things even if they're invalid?
• Is there such a thing as HELPFUL invalidation?
• How do we recover from corrosive, or harmful invalidation?
• A letter to my 15 year old self, validating them after a big moment of invalidation

Thank you to Roland, Alicia, Jesse, and the TheraHive team for collaborating with me and allowing me to try out this course!

TYSM to my wonderful patrons:

Christian • Steph • Winter Peach • Ashley Marie • Tom • Kristen • Mimi • Bjorn • Pluto • Laura

Your support helps me to keep going. <3

[ m o r e ]

TheraHive: DBT Skills Group, Course Info

Need a DBT Skill? DBT Pocket Guide

Blog Post: Dr. Jesse Finkelstein Joins 'Quiet, Not Silent' podcast to Share Insights on DBT

[ s o c i a l s ]

INSTAGRAM | PATREON

averythequiet.carrd.co

SHOP: Heart & Sleeve Co.

[ d i s c o r d ]

The Quiet BPD Keep is a recovery-focused community that offers daily affirmations, tarot readings, self-care reminders, DBT skills, books and resources, and more. Age 18+, LGBTQ+ and 420 friendly.

[ c r e d i t s ]

Music by: ODDBAHL • Lunareh • Out of Flux

[ d i s c l a i m e r ]

My content is meant for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for professional clinical advice, diagnosis, or therapy.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), the fourth and final module - known as Interpersonal Effectiveness - teaches you skills to communicate effectively, set boundaries, and maintain relationships while achieving your personal goals. If you'd like to take this exact course, here's a 25% discount code you can use for your deposit - just cause you listen to my pod. (QUIETBPD25)

This week, TheraHive’s Interpersonal Effectiveness course is gonna teach me about the DEARMAN skill, which is one of my personal favourite skills. I’m REALLY excited to share my experiences with this part of the course.

DEARMAN is an acronym that stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate.

This one you typically use when you have an objective that you need to be effective with: asking for something; saying no; finding solutions; and making sure the way we’re expressing these things are taken seriously and are constructive, rather than destructive.

In this episode, I’ll go over my reflections on Week 2 of the course, including:

• How to be assertive and ask for what you need - with the DEARMAN skill
• What does it mean to be assertive, vs demanding?
• Why is DEARMAN especially helpful for recovering people pleasers?
• What if the other person is being difficult, despite us being effective?
• THE FIRST TIME I ever used DEARMAN - with a very difficult roommate and her boyfriend

Thank you to Roland, Alicia, Jesse, and the TheraHive team for collaborating with me and allowing me to try out this course!

TYSM to my wonderful patrons:

Christian • Steph • Winter Peach • Ashley Marie • Tom • Kristen • Mimi • Bjorn • Pluto • Elleot

Your support helps me to keep going. <3

[ m o r e ]

TheraHive: DBT Skills Group, Course Info

Need a DBT Skill? DBT Pocket Guide

Blog Post: Dr. Jesse Finkelstein Joins 'Quiet, Not Silent' podcast to Share Insights on DBT

[ s o c i a l s ]

INSTAGRAM | PATREON

averythequiet.carrd.co

SHOP: Heart & Sleeve Co.

[ d i s c o r d ]

The Quiet BPD Keep is a recovery-focused community that offers daily affirmations, tarot readings, self-care reminders, DBT skills, books and resources, and more. Age 18+, LGBTQ+ and 420 friendly.

[ c r e d i t s ]

Music by: ODDBAHL • Lunareh • Out of Flux

[ d i s c l a i m e r ]

My content is meant for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for professional clinical advice, diagnosis, or therapy.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), the fourth and final module - known as Interpersonal Effectiveness - teaches you skills to communicate effectively, set boundaries, and maintain relationships while achieving your personal goals. If you'd like to take this exact course, here's a 25% discount code you can use for your deposit - just cause you listen to my pod. (QUIETBPD25)

This is my favourite module by far with DBT because it’s helped me significantly with conflict resolution, and empowered me to ask for my needs without feeling guilty, without letting my emotions make things worse, and without burning bridges.

Back in Season 1, I had interviewed Dr. Jesse Finkelstein on his insights about DBT. It was such a fun chat that Jesse and the team over at TheraHive offered to let me try out this module for free with them. I thought, yes! I'll do it, and this way, I can share my experience with the course and all of my DBT reflections with you.

In this episode, I’ll go over my reflections on Week 1 of the course, including:

• My SMART goal for this course that I'll focus on when I'm putting the skills to action
• Do only people with BPD become dysregulated during interpersonal conflict?
• What if I'm communicating effectively, but I still don't get what I need? Does this mean I'm the problem?
• What is the Actor-Observer Bias?
• What are the three main priorities in our interactions with others?
• Why shouldn't I always make it my first priority to be liked by everyone?
• Why shouldn't I always make it my first priority to focus on myself, or being right?

Thank you to Roland, Alicia, Jesse, and the TheraHive team for collaborating with me and allowing me to try out this course!

TYSM to my wonderful patrons:

Christian • Steph • Winter Peach • Ashley Marie • Tom • Kristen • Mimi • Bjorn • Pluto • Elleot

Your support helps me to keep going. <3

[ m o r e ]

TheraHive: DBT Skills Group, Course Info

Need a DBT Skill? DBT Pocket Guide

Blog Post: Dr. Jesse Finkelstein Joins 'Quiet, Not Silent' podcast to Share Insights on DBT

[ s o c i a l s ]

INSTAGRAM | PATREON

averythequiet.carrd.co

SHOP: Heart & Sleeve Co.

[ d i s c o r d ]

The Quiet BPD Keep is a recovery-focused community that offers daily affirmations, tarot readings, self-care reminders, DBT skills, books and resources, and more. Age 18+, LGBTQ+ and 420 friendly.

[ c r e d i t s ]

Music by: ODDBAHL • Lunareh • Out of Flux

[ d i s c l a i m e r ]

My content is meant for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for professional clinical advice, diagnosis, or therapy.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

At its core, validation is communicating to someone that their internal experiences and emotions make sense.

Dr. Kiki Fehling, PhD, (she/her) has always been a highly sensitive person. When she learned about DBT, it just clicked for her: "the practical coping skills... the focus on cultural and contextual factors in understanding emotional suffering, and the dialectical philosophy that both acceptance and change are needed for emotional health."

Kiki's content on TikTok and Instagram clicked for ME: especially the way she explained the Six Steps of Validation in DBT. I'm incredibly delighted to have spoken to her about it! This episode is a must-listen for those with BPD and their loved ones if you're asking yourself:

• How do I talk to my loved one with BPD?
• How do I navigate difficult conversations without escalating conflict?
• How do I learn to validate myself when other people cannot?
• How do I learn to validate myself if I keep wondering if I'm being irrational?

Six Steps of Validation, by @dbtkiki:

1. Pay Attention
2. Reflecting Back
3. Reading Minds
4. Understanding the Causes
5. Acknowledging the Valid
6. Showing Equality, aka. Radical Genuineness

[ s o c i a l s ]

more by Dr Kiki: Website | Instagram | TikTok | X

Self Directed DBT Skills: A 3-Month DBT Workbook, by Kiki Fehling, PhD and Elliot Weiner, PhD

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DBT Self Help: Validation

Does Validating Condone Troubling Behaviour?

Need a DBT Skill? DBT Pocket Guide

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averythequiet.carrd.co

SHOP: Heart & Sleeve Co.

Join me on Discord:

The Quiet BPD Keep is a recovery-focused community that offers daily affirmations, tarot readings, self-care reminders, DBT skills, books and resources, and more. Age 18+, LGBTQ+ and 420 friendly.

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Recorded with: Podcastle

Music by: ODDBAHL • Lunareh • Out of Flux

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My content is meant for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for professional clinical advice, diagnosis, or therapy.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In a culture that markets caring for ourselves as bubble baths and expensive spa days, Laura Hughes (she/her) takes a realistic and innovative approach to putting ourselves first.

With a teaching background and a passion for equity and inclusion, Laura built Self-Care With Laur to teach manageable and meaningful self-care, help you prioritize yourself, and guide you to break free from busyness and burnout to create a balanced life.

Self Care with Laur: Website | Instagram | TikTok

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Free Digital Downloads for Self Care!

Book: All About Love, by Bell Hooks

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Join the community on Discord:

The Quiet BPD Keep is a recovery-focused community that offers daily affirmations, tarot readings, self-care reminders, DBT skill commands, books and resources, advice and listener roles, and voice chats. Age 18+, LGBTQ+ and 420 friendly.

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Recorded with: Podcastle

Music by ODDBAHL; Lunareh; Out of Flux

Additional Writing: Kyron LH

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My content is meant for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for professional clinical advice, diagnosis, or therapy.

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Content Advisory: mentions of DV, genoc*de

At the end of each year, I place a theme on it and reflect before going into the new year. 2023 was a year that taught me gratitude and humility.

I have never posted an unedited voice note, but I am a strong believer in authenticity, of openness, and of real talks. Turns out I like doing voice notes. :)

I am grateful to be healing.

I am grateful to be able to create.

I am grateful for you to let me in to your own journey.

Thank you <3

[ l i n k s ]

BPD Society of BC, FREE Virtual Support Group

Decolonize Palestine: Reading Materials

Need a DBT Skill? DBT Pocket Guide

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Follow my IG for updates: @averythequiet

Want more content? Join me on Patreon

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Join the community on Discord:

The Quiet BPD Keep is a recovery-focused community that offers daily affirmations, tarot readings, self-care reminders, DBT skill commands, books and resources, advice and listener roles, and voice chats. Age 18+, LGBTQ+ and 420 friendly.

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Music by Lunareh

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My content is meant for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for professional clinical advice, diagnosis, or therapy.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.