Randomness Inside My Head

Di dalam buku “Mengapa Luka …” aku bingung dengan benang merah yang menjadi perekat keseluruhan 41 puisi yang dibagi menjadi 5 part. Apakah itu keluarga, berhubung pada bagian-bagian awal ada banyak sekali puisi yang mempercakapkan pengamatan penulis akan ibu, istri, dan kedua anak kembarnya? Atau apakah itu politik, berhubung pada bagian-bagian lain penulis bicara tentang negara, polisi, dan penembakan?

I’m a bundle of mixed-up

Emotions, a stretch of feelings,

Gratefulness at one end and

Disappointment at the other.

How could a friend do that to me?

How could I let myself be treated

That way? Were we ever friends

At all? The maddening questions

Twirl and twirl in my head, creating

Scenarios and reasonings for what

The other person did and how I

Should have responded, but I didn’t.

We’re so much

Like those wet piles of shapes and

Colors and textures. We as well have

To let go off the things which chain

Us to unimportant and worthless

Stuffs, things which stop us from

Reaching our maximum potentials.

Deep down inside

You’ll always be my little baby,

Whose space is always shared

With mine, and it makes me a bit

Wary to have that space changed,

That you’ve changed, and you’re

Preparing your path to fly away

From me when the time comes.

I hope it will never happen, Baby,

That we become foreign to each

Other.

I’m too lazy

To cook my own meals. I stare

At my calendar and it drains me

To see the list of things I have

To tick off my long and dreadful

Bullet points. I feel so lonely, and

Yet I can’t stand to meeting people

And having them yapping at my

Ears about their superior/inferior

(Compared to mine) lives and

Problems and opinions.

I feel sorry for

Both of them; for the old man who

Won’t admit that he’s being sick,

That he needs help, that he can’t

Be an irresponsible society and

Family member like that, and for

The wife who has no way out.

The law and its enforcement, who

Should be protecting everyone

Against violation, prove to have

Many biases that you feel hopeless.

Copyright infringement is also a

Crime, a violation against law, but is

Never taken seriously. “That’s what

You might get if you write on the

Internet.” They say it over and over

Again and make my blood boil.

It turned out to be… okay. The TV size

Exceeded the space by six centimeters,

But it was still okay. I could walk pass

The TV and didn’t bump into the corners

And make it tumble forward or backward.

I wouldn’t want to pay 12-month

Installment on a broken piece, would I?

I refuse to be yelled

At, to be hit, to be disregarded,

To be underestimated, and

Especially not to be loved.

Love and the display of it are so

Full of exaggeration. What if

I don’t have love? Will I die because

Of it? What if nobody loves me?

And every departure will make

You question what is your real

Worth,

That you deserve this kind of

Abandonment and separation,

And not even a tiny bit of regret or

Sentiments for the good old days

You’ve had with the said person.