Read it and Weep

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon has all the trappings of a wonderfully bad movie. It’s shot on location in a weird place with lots of local actors, all the voices are dubbed shoddily, the main actress is a stripper, and it relies heavily on stock footage of sharks. It’s pretty hard to go wrong with a shark movie, and this one, try as it might, is no exception.

When two attractive, single life guards find a suspiciously big shark tooth, they have only choice: talk to a smoking hot expert on dinosaur sharks. When the original owner of that shark tooth (a huge shark) gets hungry and starts eating people as they make out topless on the beach, they only have one choice: chase him down with guns and then have sex to let off steam. These forced actions all add up to a deliciously sharky movie that’s right up our alley.

Oh, and it has the greatest line in movie history.

Lost. The title tells you everything. The characters are lost. You are lost. And all hope of a satisfying ending, that’s super lost.

But there’s also a certain addicting nature to it. Who’s gonna die next? What other group of people is going to suddenly appear on the island? What happens if they don’t type the code? Will they or won’t they (eat the fat one)?

Once you’ve seen lost, it also changes the way you look at every situation. From now on when you get on an airplane, you’ll start looking around wondering, “If we crashed, who would be able to survive an incomprehensible plot about magic and polar bears?”

… LOST

There is nothing more impressive than a stand-up comic: standing up there alone, just a person with a microphone and some jokes. Or in the case of Punchline, a person with a microphone, a nun costume, a locker downstairs, and some jokes(?).

Punchline follows Tom Hanks as a great comic (who gets lots of laughs that seem undeserved) and Sally Field as a bad comic (no laughs well deserved). As he slowly goes crazy because he’s not famous enough he teaches her how to actually be funny and in the end everybody’s happy. Except Polish people.

Professional touring stand-up comedian Gabe Rutledge joins us to talk about the parts of the movie that seem least believable (a good show in a hospital) and most believable (file not found). And most importantly why loves this movie (something about a juggler).

It’s impossible to tell if stuff from your childhood is objectively good, so I’m not going to try with this. But subjectively, A Goofy Movie is a whole lot of fun, despite it’s weird dog-hybrid world of race relations.

Maxamillion Goof is the son of Goofy Goof of Disney fame. Despite this rediculous heritage, Max is cool and hip and has the baggy pants to prove it. But will a whopping lie told to impressive a new girlfriend tear his family apart? More importantly, will him and his dad sing stupid songs during a road trip to see doggy Michael Jackson? Oh yes they will.

For David’s guilty pleasure, we also watched some 80s R&B videos.

Attention nerds. Do you want to sleep with lots of women? All you have to do is dress like a dork, tell canned jokes, and lie about everything in your life. In these three easy steps, The Mystery Method will get you laid.

Remember The Game? Not the delightful Michael Douglas movie. No, not the game where if you think about it you lose. Not the rapper or the CW series or the BET show. The other The Game. The book about pickup artists scamming women at bars into sleeping with them. This is the book by the magician from that book. He calls himself Mystery and he is a terrible person.

The key to the Mystery Method is

[1] “neg” women (insult them to their face)

[2] “peacock” (dress badly)

[3] Use a TON of jargon

And most importantly,

[4] Don’t let them ever find out you’re following the Mystery Method.

If that sounds like something you’d be interested in, check out this book. But it probably doesn’t because if you’re listening to our podcast, you’re not that guy.

Alex mentioned his recent podcast appearance on Pati-oh Pati-no where he talked about this book and how he has the worst porn name.

JustbecauseI’mtalkingfast doesn’tmeanI’mclever.

Remember the WB? Yeah, me too. It had such great shows as [file not found]. It also had some not great shows like the Gilmore Girls, the pop-culture-referencing, bad-relation-example-setting, will-they-or-won’t-they drama comedy set in small town America. It’s a delightful romp if you like bad jokes, bad boyfriends, bad moms, and bad coffee.

It’s Nick’s guilty pleasure, so you know he does.

Speaking of Nick, make sure you check out his sketch show Planet Town. It’s very funny.

Dancing is hard. Writing a coherent story is hard too. There’s only room in this movie for one of those.

Center Stage follows the lives of several new recruits at the most competitive ballet school in the country. Life at the school is so intense, the students are driven to crazy behavior like smoking, sassy dialog, and casual sex with guys who promise cookies but don’t deliver.

Almost everybody at the school looks the same except the guy who looks like Ichabod Crane which adds an interesting dynamic to the world. The characters are pretty trite, but the dancing is cool. And the over dramatic dialog is pretty enjoyable. You can see why this is Sarah’s guilty pleasure.

Do you want to learn to cook but don’t know where to start? Timothy Ferriss will teach you just the bare essentials, from buying ramekins to selecting the best tactical knife to cut up the pigeon you just captured in the park with you bare hands. Just the essentials.

Noted crazy person Tim Ferriss is back with another book in his bullshitty titled series “The 4-Hour ______.” This time it says “chef” on the cover but is really, like all his books, about name dropping and bragging about his sex life. There’s also a section on memorizing playing cards, killing squirrels, getting dogs to hump you, throwing up ice cream, and oh yeah, a bit on cooking. If you want to fake your way through any of that stuff, this is a book you could read but still shouldn’t.

Just like we did last time, we’re going to try out a couple of Timothy’s ideas on our blog Body By Bullshit. We’ll be

[1] Eating at five restaurants in a single day.

[2] Making cigar-infused hot chocolate.

[3] Making balsamic pearls with agar agar.

[4] Eating eggs in the style of various countries and then making up facts about those countries.

and

[bonus] Trying to capture a pigeon with our hands.

Read along and make sure to pre-order Gabi’s book about pizza dough. It looks awesome.

From the woman who brought you Twilight and a lot more Twilight it’s a story almost entirely unlike Twilight. Instead, it’s about a girl who is torn between two men because of a sci-fi trope that is being used to set up a romance novel and everybody has weird eyes. Okay, fine. It’s another Twilight.

The Host is the movie based on the Stephanie Meyer book of the same name. It follows Boring Brunette as she deals with having a small alien implanted in her brain stem. Mostly she deals with it by whining about how much she misses her boyfriend. She reunites with him, there’s some more moping, and eventually the alien is pulled out and put into a red head who looks like she’s been crying a lot. And everybody gets a boyfriend!

The male characters are hard to keep straight because they’re all basically the same person, the lead is so similar to Kristen Stewart we call her K. New, and the plot is so clunky even the teenage girls in the audience seemed bored. And it’s better than any of the Twilight movies.

Just like Atlas Shrugged the book drags on for far too long, so does the movie series. Despite the first movie being universally panned and losing a ton of money, the producers went ahead with plans to make a sequel. Since they can’t change the source material (the source of all their problems), they decided to focus on recasting the movie with a whole new crop of actors. A sequel with no distribution and no returning cast members? These guys are on the fast train to the top!

Dagny Taggart, now 15 years older and a blond, picks up right where she left on movie 1: fighting the good fight against the government and the moochers who are holding back real Americans who just want to make as much money as possible regardless of who it hurts. Along the way her fellow job creator / rapist (well, in the movie it’s all consensual but it wasn’t in the book) Hank Rearden, they keep businessing their business all over the place. Meanwhile, a mysterious man is kidnapping successful people. Drama? Nope. Something about a plane crash and then… we’ll just have to wait for the final movie.

Given that Ayn Rand celebrates people who are good at their jobs, it’s amazing to watch two movies be made so incompetently based on her book which is itself incompetently written. Nobody involved in this production would be allowed to go Capitalist Heaven in Denver. Nobody.