“The Illuminatus! Trilogy” is the annoyingly punctuated book series by two former “Playboy” writers (apparently they had writers–the world before the Internet is weird) who decided it would be fun to imagine a world where all conspiracy theories are true. It is not fun.

The book follows a series of overlapping, underlapping, and/or completely unrelated stories that may or may not involve the Illuminati, the Discordians, a sex cult, a small town jail, two homocide detectives, and a talking dolphin who befriends a giant yellow submarine. These stories are impossible to keep track of, switch at random, and are unreliably narrated by a 3rd person omniscient drug addict who has the same voice as most of the characters. The Illuminati may control the world, but they have no control over plot structure.

Most importantly, the book features a series of hideous sex scenes that have ruined the physical act of love forever. Thanks, secret society.

Note: If you have ideas for how Alex can use Amazon to make himself happier, click here.

Would you want to know when you’re going to die? Would you want aliens to tell you when you’re going to die? Would you want aliens to tell you when you’re going to die through a complicated system of numbers, whispering, and smooth rocks? Would you want aliens to tell you when you’re going to die through a complicated system of numbers, whispering, and smooth rocks and then steal your son away to force him to repopulate another planet with another child and a couple rabbits? Me neither.

That’s precisely what happens to Nicolas Cage (the world’s second best actor) in Knowing. And by precisely, I mean approximately, because it’s not really clear what the aliens are doing and why. Also it’s a pretty big surprise that the aliens even show up; about 3/4 of the way through this movie it changes from The Shining to Contact with no warning at all.

There’s this creepy kid who scratches numbers into walls with her bloody fingernails in the 1950s. She predicts the end of the world but nobody knows it until Nic Cage comes along and decodes her list of every major and some minor catastrophes up to and including the end of the world. The aliens who told her all this then save a whopping 2 children from earth right before it’s destroyed. It’s an uplifting tale if you’re a clairvoyant alien who is excited to steal children.

Most importantly, this movie lacks a traditional Cage Freakout, and replaces it with some hurried driving and telling people to wait in cars. What a disappointment.

You know how if you see a family in an airport or a restaurant with 3 kids you start to wonder, “Are they starting a cult or something?” In the case of the Duggars they have 19 kids (give or take) and the answer is yes. Yes they are.

The Duggar family lives in Arkansas and they made a pact to “let God decide the number and timing” of their pregnancies. Of course, they’re still choosing when to have sex, and God has responded by deciding “lots” and “all the time.” They’re part of a creepy religious movement called quivering in which lunatic Super Christians create entire softball teams out of their own wombs.

Just like every family that is at the top of their game, the Duggars got a show on TLC where they hang out and have lots of kids everywhere. It’s not exciting, it’s more than a little disturbing, and sometimes it’s just an hour-long commercial for a hotel in the south. Watch what happens. Maybe you’ll learn something (like just how badly you want a vasectomy).

Somewhere on the world’s most violent and dangerous ocean, brave men fight for their lives while pulling a bounty of red gold out of the icy cold water. They’re crab fisherman and holy hell are they cool.

In our third Guilty Pleasure episode, Alex exposes us to one of his favorite shows, Deadliest Catch. It’s the finest example of the genre “Reality TV about people working hard that you can watch while you’re sitting at home wearing slippers.” Alex loves it, and everybody else… thinks it’s fine.

Alex takes the roll of Clairezra and explains it all, including why he likes the show, which captains are the best, and why he always roots for the crab. He also answers your excellent questions in our last Host Chat. And he is really, really excited to be talking about this.

Somewhere between the second and third Star Wars movies, there was a lot of extra stuff that happened. Fortunately, there was a series of books that could pick up all this amazing space battling and name dropping: The Expanded Universe series.

Chris used to read a lot of these. Like a lot. So when we decided to do guilty pleasures he knew exactly what he wanted: to hear Chewy growling, light sabers buzzing, and space lasers firing (pew pew pew!). The audiobook captures all that perfectly, an abridged version complete with voice acting and cheap sound effects!

Meet the new character, prince somethingorother, who is trying to kill Luke. But so is the Empire. And that’s pretty much it. So they battle in space. It’s exactly what you know and expect.

The place is Washington DC. The time is 1994. And 2004. But 2004 looks like what 1994 thought 2094 would like, but actually looks like 1994 covered in extra gray plastic. The person is none other than Jean-Claude Van Damme and he’s here to kick time travel in the face.

For the first of our three-part series of guilty pleasures we tackle Timecop. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but boy is it a fun romp. Lots of face kicking, neat time travel tricks, and the retro future all contribute to this classic. If you can suspend your logic, you’ll like it for sure.

Ezra also answers lots of questions about himself, which is a pleasure that doesn’t make anybody feel guilty.

On January 12th, our entirely west-coast-based staff assembled in New York City for the first annual NYC Podfest. We opened the festival with a bang only clips of Samuel L. Jackson movies could provide. It was awesome.

If you missed it, here’s the recording. The audio might be a bit dodgy because of the liveness of the show, and you won’t be able to see the brilliant clips we played, but you know that from previous live shows. And I still think you’ll enjoy it.

The one thing Twilight was missing was witches, right? This book fixes that problem by having a vampire and a witch fall in love. It’s almost amazing the innovation that exists in modern literature.

Diana Bishop is a librarian (exciting!) pretending not to be a witch and studying alchemy in England when she accidentally uncovers an ancient manuscript that holds the secret to… something. We’re not sure. But everybody else in the world is super excited to get their hands on it (and her) starting with a morally flawless and totally hot Vampire named Matthew. They date and piss off all the vampires and witches.

While participating in several boring activities (wine tasting, rowing, yoga) the two discuss the history of magical creatures and then they leave the country whenever something is about to happen. The book ends in the middle so they can sell sequels. Fun.

Some things are too good to be true. Fat free ice cream, human space flight, and a show called Amish Mafia. Okay, the first two are kinda real, but Amish Mafia is definitely absolutely 100% fake.

The show (which admits is at least partially “reenactments”) follows Levi (anagram of “evil”!) who is not fully Amish and so is able to enforce Amish law using methods that would probably break it. He and his minions shoot up a car that damaged a buggy, they burn fake Amish furniture, and take bets on illegal barn fights. Also they’re dumb as plows because Amish education ends at 8th grade.

Hillarious comedian Tyler Boeh of LA joins us as we try to figure out what’s real, what’s fake, and what’s an abomination in God’s eyes. In our eyes, it’s all an abomination.

There are many things 2012 will be known for, but I think it will mostly be remembered as the year Jersey Shore ended. No, I take that back. Nobody will care at all that Jersey Shore ended. Yeah, that’s what I meant.

Everybody’s favorite meatballs (not counting actual meatballs, which are much more entertaining) hit the home stretch in the second half of season 6. And boy do they look the worse for six seasons of this crap. Everybody’s tired and sad and their faces look like they were tea bagged by an elephant.

As they fade into the sunset, The Situation is sober, Snooki is pregnant with what’s sure to be a gifted and talented child, Ronnie and Sammi are thinking of moving in together to create domestic bliss, Deena is mostly out of Jail, and Vinnie and Pauly D are both still 100 times more charming than everybody else. Everybody wins. Except America. America lost hard core.