By Lenart & Demian
The podcast currently has 11 episodes available.
In this episode, we discuss the final chapter in the book “Parenting from the inside out”.
The chapter is titled “How we develop Mindsight: Compassion and reflective dialogues”
We found this episode very rewarding and we hope you do too! The chapter brings the book to an end in a nice way and opens up many avenues of discussion.
A couple of things that we discuss in this episode are:
Mindsight
Mindsight is the ability to see the mind of the other person.
What does it mean to be mindful? One way to remind oneself what it means to be mindful is to use the acronym COAL
Be Curious
Be Open
Be Accepting
Be Loving
Elements of the Mind
We discuss the elements of the mind and how they resonate for us:
Empathy
How does one promote and help develop empathy in our children?
The importance of pretend play, storytelling and having conversations about our emotions are key!
Reflective Dialogue
In an interview on mentalhelp.net, (https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/interview-with-daniel-siegel-md/) - Daniel Siegel said:
“Reflective dialogue means talking about thoughts, feelings, perceptions, memories, sensations, attitudes, beliefs and intentions. If parents can remember those 8 factors, or some of them anyway, and put them on a list and just remember to talk to kids about them, it would be so helpful.”
In episode 10 of Ready Dad Go! Podcast we are joined by our first guest Klemen Lipovšek. Father to a three year old boy, he shares his thoughts on struggles and rewards of parenting. Tune in!
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Demian and Lenart, continue with chapter 8: How we disconnect and reconnect: Rupture and Repair - from the book "Parenting From the Inside Out" by Daniel J. Siegel. and Mary Hartzell.
People are not meant to live in isolation. We are dependent on others for our emotional wellbeing.
Having said that, everyone needs time to themselves, and when you are a parent, "me time" can be scarce, therefore it's expected that there will be times that you just don't have the headspace or have other things on your mind when you are with your child and sometimes this will cause a disconnection between you and your child.
The disconnection is felt by you as the parent as well as the child. It can bring up feelings of shame and guilt for the parent - often caused by implicit memories.
It also causes shame, confusion and even fear for the child.
This chapter is about identifying these disconnections (ruptures) and how to repair the connection again.
There are four types of disconnection
Oscillating Disconnection -
This is the natural flow of connection that one experiences on a day to day basis. We connect and disconnect with the people around us throughout the day.
Benign Rupture
These disconnections happen when you don't "quite" get the message from your child.
A parent might not understand what the child is asking for or needs - it can be harder to pick up with younger children as they do not have the vocabulary to express themselves yet.
You can't always be 100% in tune with your child.
When there is emotional distress or excitement when your child is trying to express him/herself, and you don't connect with your child, these benign ruptures can be a lot more painful and therefore it is very important that you repair these disconnections as soon as possible.
Limit-Setting Rupture
These are ruptures that happen when you are setting boundaries for your child.
You don't need to repair how your child is feeling. You can let your child feel all the emotions that she is feeling when you set your limits but it is important that you let her know that you understand how she feels.
By reflecting back their desire without fulfilling it is a different experience for them than just saying no!
Toxic Rupture
These ruptures are usually a consequence of screaming, shouting, name calling and even threatening behaviour by the parent - it often happens when we as parents enter the "Low Road" - which we speak about in another episode.
These ruptures are much more deep and distressing for the child and they are often accompanied by intense feelings of shame.
If you do not repair these ruptures it can influence the childs development and self awareness. The child can develop what is called a "shame dynamic" where they prevent themselves from feeling shame.
During a toxic rupture both the child and the parent can feel an intense sense of shame.
It is important to repair this rupture as soon as possible but make sure you are absolutely calm before you try and repair the relationship.
When trying to repair the connection, always acknowledge what you have done wrong too and provide words to what you did. This will help your child integrate the experience.
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Demian and Lenart, continue with chapter 7: How we keep it together and how we fall apart: The High Road and the Low Road - from the book "Parenting From the Inside Out" by Daniel J. Siegel. and Mary Hartzell.
This journey of fatherhood that we're on keeps us on our toes and yet it is so rewarding! There are gems to be found on a daily basis and if you look for them, you will find that they far outweigh the sleepless nights, limited "me time" and other pressures that parenting can bring to a relationship.
Learning to recognise when we're "slipping" and possibly falling into a "Low Road" state of mind is key to being able to pick ourselves, our partners and our children up again.
There are two forms of processing discussed in this chapter
The High Mode or High Road of processing involves the rational reflective thought processes of the mind. You're capable of control, making decisions, retaining a connection with your children. It allows us to be flexible in our choices and to keep true to our values in raising our children.
The Low Mode or Low Road of processing involves the shutting down of the higher processes of the mind. You become more inflexible.
Entering the low road can feel a bit like "you're losing your mind", because parts of your brain shuts down and you can become flooded by feelings such as fear, sadness and rage. These intense emotions can have difficult responses and you can react in a way that you do not want to.
Implicit memory (memory that you don't have awareness that you're recollecting) invokes in you emotions that are really intense and shuts off parts of your brain so you can't consciously react and keep the connection with your child.
Join us as we discuss our understanding of being on the High and the Low Road.
Demian and Lenart, continue with chapter 6: How we make sense of our lives: Adult Attachment - from the book "Parenting From the Inside Out" by Daniel J. Siegel. and Mary Hartzell.
We open this podcast by reflecting on our past week and we share some of the joys, of being dads.
We discuss some of the processes we are going through with our children and reflect on what we've learnt.
Dealing with and making sense of our child's, and our own anger seems to be a theme in both our lives.
Attachment is a BIG topic and with the help of this chapter, we try make sense of what attachment means to us.
Previously we learnt about the different categories of attachment in children and in this episode we discuss the 4 categories in adult attachment.
The four categories of adult attachment are
The chapter discusses how the dominant category that an adult can have is determined by the experiences of their childhood.
Your childhood attachment affects how you attach as an adult and also how your child attaches to you.
One can have some elements of several categories and what is important to know is that it is possible to change your attachment status to what is known as an "earned secure attachment".
Making sense of your own life helps you understand others more fully!
How you make sense of your own life story is a direct predictor of how your child will attach to you.
There are numerous exercises one can do to find out more about your attachment category.
Demian and Lenart, continue with chapter 5 How We Attach: Relationships Between Children and Parents - from the book "Parenting From the Inside Out" by Daniel J. Siegel. and Mary Hartzell.
In this episode Lenart and Demian talk about the benefits of applying some of the exercises recommended in the book and how rewarding it has been, and how aware they have become in the way they interact with their children.
The exercises also reveal how illuminating it has been for their own personal development.
This chapter of the book outlines the type of attachment, or relationship one can nurse and grow with our children. We see how all the topics in the chapters of this book come together to help create a space where we can provide a foundation for secure attachment.
We see how memory, our perceptions of reality, how we feel, and how we communicate all contribute to the way we attach with our children.
The chapter outlines the ABC’s of attachment: Attunement, Balance and Coherence.
The chapter also explains the different patterns of attachment between parents and their children:
Demian and Lenart, continue with chapter 4: How We Communicate: Making Connections - from the book "Parenting From the Inside Out" by Daniel J. Siegel. and Mary Hartzell.
We discuss contingent communication, also referred to as collaborative communication
Contingent or collaborative communication is when the parent and child have a reciprocal give-and-take of signals.
It is subtle yet crucial for both parties to be able to tune into one another's verbal as well as non-verbal communication.
As a parent, we have to listen and reflect what our children are saying. We should often repeat back what we think we understand the child said. With this, the child will feel "felt" and "understood".
Even with infants where they rely wholly on non-verbal communication, we can do this by repeating the sounds and facial expressions back to the child.
This creates a connection with the baby and the baby feels connected and safe.
Contingent communication creates the foundation for the emotional well-being of a child.
Contingent communication also forces us to be open-minded because we have to receive the messages with all our senses and "hear" what was actually communicated. We are then not making conclusions from a predetermined mental model of what was expected.
In this episode we share some examples of how easy it is to miss the cues in communication and we so easily brush off reactions that could lead to our children feeling misunderstood, frustrated and disconnected.
Communicating in a collaborative way also expands our own sense of self and children develop their sense of self-knowledge through communication with their parents and caregivers.
It is impossible to be completely attentive 24/7 and just like us our children also need space in between so we must also remember to no be too hard on ourselves.
Demian and Lenart, continue with chapter 1: How We Remember: Experience Shapes Who We Are from the book "Parenting From the Inside Out" by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell.
We really enjoyed reading and discussing this chapter. It was extremely well written, informative and insightful and we could relate to the authors personal stories.
The chapter talks about how memory is created, how it defines us and how it affects our life.
Experiences are what shapes our brain.
Experiences fire up neurons in our brain and create new connections which changes and develops the structure of our physical brain.
We talk about two forms of memory: Explicit and Implicit memory.
Implicit Memory, sometimes known as unconscious memory or automatic memory.
Implicit memory is present at birth. It has no images or words connected to it.
These memories are behavioural, emotional, perceptual, bodily sensations
One has no sense of recollection when these memories are recalled
Explicit Memory is the conscious, intentional recollection of factual information, previous experiences, and concepts
Explicit memory develops during the second year of life and beyond
You have a sense of recollection present when recalled
Explicit memory requires your attention.
We discuss how we can so easily be disappointed and even surprised by automatic reactions we may have towards our children and these reactions could stem from implicit memory... Memories we are not even consciously aware of. Reactions to our implicit memory and not to our children.
If we cannot "Integrate" our reactions that are responses to implicit memory, we will find it very difficult to overcome potentially traumatic or hard interactions with our children and this can inhibit our ability to strengthen our relationships with our children.
Demian and Lenart, continue with chapter 2: How We Perceive Reality: Constructing the Stories of Our Lives - from the book "Parenting From the Inside Out" by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell.
This Chapter is about Storytelling, the science behind storytelling and why storytelling is so important.
Storytelling helps you integrate experiences from the past and it helps you relate to your child.
We share some personal experiences with our children and how storytelling can help overcome tough situations.
Storytelling is found in all cultures in the world and stories define how we perceive the world.
Children want to understand experiences that happen to them.
With storytelling, parents can help the child integrate the emotional and logical sides of their experience which can help the child move on, having a better understanding of that experience.
Demian and Lenart, continue with chapter 3: How We Feel: Emotion in Our Internal and Interpersonal Worlds - from the book "Parenting From the Inside Out" by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell.
This Chapter is about Emotions.
It is very important to understand emotions because they shape our internal world, our interpersonal worlds and it is very important how we deal with emotions when it comes to parenting and helping children to understand and deal with their emotions.
It is so important to attune to the emotions of our children and we personally found that this can be very difficult but extremely rewarding.
We discuss Primary and Categorical emotions.
We tap into the importance and science behind empathy.
When we attune ourselves to the emotions of another person, we actually start experiencing what that other person feels.
It is so important to be able to have this deeper understanding of our children's feelings because our children need to feel like they are being heard and understood.
The podcast currently has 11 episodes available.