Real Confidence

In talking with a friend recently, I was stunned when she told me she was totally overwhelmed but was completely uncomfortable asking for help. 

I was like, what? I guess because I ask for help all the time and it doesn't faze me. But I was perplexed and asked her to elaborate a little bit more on how and why she felt that way. She replied that the way she was brought up it was not okay to ask for help.  Asking for help shows you were weak, incapable or failing. Instead, she was told to buck up, just persevere, get through it, deal with it, figure it out. 

And that was the way her brain and her behavior subsequently worked. 

My beautiful friend has gone through some major life trauma so even more, we all want to support her in any way.  And I don't just mean emotionally, but help with extra hands or heads to handle home and life. She's now a single mom raising four kids, managing a household, trying to stay connected to other family and friends. But she doesn’t feel ‘entitled’ to ask for help and instead thinks well, if I ask for help, I’m taking advantage, setting a bad example or admitting I am incompetent. 

No. No. No. 

Absolutely not. 

And then I said something to her, and her face lit up. Her behavior not only changed but her confidence shot through the roof. Wanna know what? Well…you’re going to have to listen to this episode!

But I’ll drop a small spoiler: I give three points of specificity you can use not only when you ask for help, but when you offer to help someone else so that everyone on both sides of the conversation feels really good about what’s being given and what’s being received. 

I was taught to schmooze. You know what I mean, even if you don’t speak Yiddish: I can walk into any room, anywhere and strike up a conversation with anyone about anything. 

Sometimes those conversations turn out to be meaningful and other times it’s just a bunch of polite chit chat or small talk. 

But it wasn’t until I spoke to this week’s guest, Michelle Tillis Lederman, that it really hit me that not only are not all conversations created equal, but in most of these cases I was conversing versus connecting.

What’s the difference exactly?

Connecting is more than an exchange of information, it’s learning about another person and allowing them to learn about you. It’s uncovering shared interests, values, experiences, causes, passions – all the things that make people want to build relationships with one another.

Let’s be clear: there is nothing WRONG with having casual conversations. But somewhere between shooting the breeze and baring our souls lies the opportunity to be interested and interesting in a way that’s satisfying that what we think of as networking rarely is.

The good news is, finding that sweet spot is neither difficult nor mysterious and Michelle shares her top tips for connecting that won't leave you feeling fake, phony or gross. 

Takeaways from this episode include:

Michelle Tillis Lederman is an accomplished speaker, trainer, coach, and author of four books including The Connector’s Advantage, The11 Laws of Likability, Heroes Get Hired and Nail The Interview – Land The Job. You can learn more about Michelle and her work at michelletillislederman.com. 

Overwhelmed. Who doesn’t feel these days, right? This feeling of not knowing where to start, where to focus - or sometimes not even being able to focus at all - is a real confidence killer. 

Why? Because when we have too many things to do, what we also have are too many choices in front of us, and if you’ve been following my work for a while, you know i talk a lot about how over-choice consumes a huge amount of cognitive cycles. The less brain power we have, the more even small or simple choices overwhelm us. 

The next thing we know, 10 minutes an hour or an afternoon has gone by, and we’ve accomplished nothing. 

But the problem doesn’t stop there, because if you’re like me, then you’re probably layering in some guilt about what didn’t get done, why it didn’t get done and how it still needs to get to done.

And guilt, my friends, is truly the opposite of confidence.

So how can we get more strategic about how we use our time and energy when we’re staring at a mountain of work and personal commitments so that when we reflect back a week or month later, we can feel confident that we gave and did our best?

That’s what I’m talking about in this episode of Real Confidence. And I’m going to give you an inside look at the method behind my madness that finds people asking me at least two or three times a week how I get it all done. 

But while this episode might be a little more tactical than you’re used to, I went for it because I’m confident it will help you make faster, quicker decisions that lead to very intentional, deliberate and strategic ways to use your precious and limited resources to get things without doing yourself in.

Nope. You are not tripping or hallucinating. We ARE talking about acid, ‘shrooms, and other forms of psychoactive drugs.

I think psychedelics are a very underrepresented topic but rapidly gaining ‘speed’. First, because psychedelics were politically shamed back in the 60s despite the scientific evidence they can really help mental illness. We were all told to ‘just say no’ with no scientific data but many myths used to scare us. Second, microdosing is today on trend being used to improve individual focus and innovation.

I am personally curious about psychedelics because there are studies that confirm psychedelics can help prune unnecessary or false neural pathways that trigger destructive beliefs and behaviors (including addiction).  And when safely administered, psychedelics appear to generate new connections and rationalize beliefs by opening someone’s mind to learn and grow - yep, my fav neuro-word: neuroplasticity!

And while I have long advocated that we can all “choose to change our brains”, I had been more plugged into the assistive tech than considering anything organic.

Check out this episode to increase your psychedelic awareness and confidence.

Please note that neither Alyssa or ACI is not advocating the use of psychedelics.  If you are interested in using them, please consult a qualified medical professional.

Sherry Rais is the co-founder and CEO of Enthea, a mental health company dedicated to providing access to safe and affordable psychedelic-assisted therapy. You can learn more about Enthea and Sherry at enthea.com.

I've been an Elton John fan for almost 50 years and my favorite song in his massive catalog is “Sorry, seems to be the Hardest Word.” But as much as I love Elton and that song, I'm going to say that I'm not sure he’s right. 

I think it’s harder to tell somebody that they hurt you, that they made you sad or angry or frustrated; that they did something that genuinely they shouldn’t have, or you want them to know that they shouldn't have. 

I’ve been thinking about this a lot because recently I had a situation with two of my best friends and it was something so petty, but they forgot to invite me to something that they had organized with some other people. And I was really hurt by that. I suspected that maybe they just forgot and were so busy or maybe they thought that I didn't want to go, or it could have been 100 other reasons. 

But the fact that they didn't invite me just made me so sad, like, very left out. And I was like, how can I communicate that and do it confidently? 

Because showing that kind of vulnerability is hard. It feels like admitting to some kind of weakness. There’s a lot of “emotional stew” going on - you might already be questioning their intent, whether they like you, why they did what they did, and maybe even whether you deserved it - plus the uncertainty of how the person who hurt you will respond, which is a confidence kicker on its own. 

In this episode of Real Confidence you’ll learn how to tell someone they’ve hurt you that actually gives confidence to both of you.

You know that voice in your head that tells you all the reasons you can’t reach your goals or go after what you want? Maybe you call it your inner critic or inner saboteur – it doesn’t really matter, because we all have one. Its job is to get us to maintain the status quo because to our brains, change – even positive change – is a threat. 

If you’re human, then it’s pretty much a given you’ve experienced situations where your brain tells you not to ask for or do something because you might fail, or be told no or rejected and then regret taking that action. 

But what happens when your inner critic or bully turns the volume up to 11? Makes it deeply personal? Tells you the reason that XYZ can’t happen, is because there’s something wrong with you?

My guest on this episode of Real Confidence calls that “abusive brain chatter” and that’s a phrase, that the first time I saw it, jumped off the page at me. 

Because there’s a difference between the chatter telling you that you’re a sucky public speaker – a skill you can improve upon – and telling you that you have nothing worthwhile to say and you add no value so you might as well keep your mouth shut. 

The former might rattle your confidence, but the latter? Destroys it. The good news is you can learn to spot when your brain chatter is abusive and take steps to heal it. 

Listen in as life, relationship and spiritual coach Jacquie Elliott and I talk about:

Jacquie Elliott is a certified life, relationship and spiritual coach who helps people heal the abusive brain chatter in their heads and realize their full potential. You can learn more about Jacquie’s work and retreats at healingabc.com.

The research over and over again at the Institute shows that our confidence peaks when we're 60 years old. We’ve leaned on that statistic for almost a decade now, saying we’re all a (confidence) work in progress until we get to that magic point, that peak of confidence, where we finally don’t care what other people think about us. 

I’ve been thinking about this deeply because recently, I’ve been dealing with a lot of things that are making me question, is that really true? But more importantly, why is it true? 

Is it because our social circles have narrowed (i.e., fewer people’s opinions to worry about)? Because we have more experience to draw on? Or is it because with each passing year, we get a little clearer on what our priorities are and start living life and expressing ourselves based more on the personal codes we’ve developed than family or social ones? 

And can we hasten the process to be confident sooner? More easily? Less scarred?

It turns out that it doesn’t really matter how old you are or how much life experience you accrue. 

It’s a matter of HOW you think. Confidence is a result of how conscientious you are of your decisions.   That comes with experience but can be accelerated through education and self-awareness.

And a key part of this conscious choice is not just accepting all the advice other people give you – including me  – that tell you what you should or could do. 

But I do have some things you’ll want to consider based on the research and thousands of people I’ve confidence coached - plus my own (almost) 60-year confidence journey! 

Ready to hear real confidence hacks? Listen in.

You know, I say it a lot – confidence isn’t what you think, it’s literally HOW you think. So, when I sat down with broadcast voice coach Susan Murphy to talk about communicating confidently, I found myself nodding along when she confirmed what I already suspected.

Confident communication – that is, communicating in a way that captures and keeps your audience’s attention and gets your message across – is less about what you say, and all about HOW you say it.

It seems obvious, right, but what exactly is the HOW? 

What I learned from Susan during our chat is that the HOW may not be what you think it is. That tone goes beyond intent or emotion, and not only that, but our tone is also influenced by multiple things that thankfully are under our control.

Listen in as Susan shares some time-tested secrets and techniques that will help you start sounding and speaking with more confidence before you know it, like: 

Susan Murphy is a veteran radio news director, TV news reporter, talk show host, producer and voice artist turned broadcast voice coach. Drawing from over 40 years of on-air work, she now helps on-air anchors and reporters polish the sounds of their voices. You can learn more about Susan at susanmurphyvosot.com and even check out a clip or two of her own work. 

Whether you’re just starting or already far down a personal, professional or spiritual development path, you’ll find out fast that you must have better self-awareness. And when you do, you won’t be told it’s “a” key to arriving at your desired destination -  you’ll realize it’s “the” key to getting there. The trouble is, self-awareness is largely misunderstood and if you ask me, we all overrate it - and ourselves.

Here’s why: when we seek to learn about ourselves, we tend to gravitate toward safe sources like self-assessments. We answer a series of questions written by people that we assume are using a proven diagnostic method that can be used with some type of effective treatment towards self improvement. We are amazed when these people who don’t know us personally explain our thoughts and behaviors so well.  We revel in reading the results because they usually confirm what we already know about ourselves and help us settle comfortably into an assigned box where we “belong.”  Our emotional brains feel happy because the assessment validates that we were right all along and we are part of that named “team”.  It could be the Harry Potter sorting hat, a horoscope or any one of the often debunked scientific personality tests. But still, we feel better thinking that we have become (ironically) more self-aware from a 3rd party perspective.  

And, with this confirmation, we stop looking for new information or trying to grow from inside our comfortable box. We justify, rationalize and explain all our behaviors (and how others react to us) because XYZ assessment said “this is who we are”.  We shut off our input channels because we are now self-aware and therefore, forever fine.

That doesn’t mean assessments are objectively bad or that other feedback processes like 360 reviews are inherently better (subjectivity is far from conclusive.) It means that to truly cultivate self-awareness, it comes from many places and at many times. It is not something fixed or finite.  And despite what we call it, self-awareness isn’t an inner-only reflection. To really become the person you want to be, you have to understand how your words and actions impact others people’s words and behaviors - which circle back to directly impact our constant decisions about we choose to act, react and interact.

So how do we achieve more accurate, useful self-awareness? 

I’m glad you asked! I get into this and a whole lot more in this episode, including some yucky examples from my own life that are helping me to do better every day.  

If you’ve been in my world for a while, you know I identify many things we don’t even recognize that can crush our confidence - like difficult decisions, new situations, toxic people, even our own self-sabotage! But I bet you didn’t realize how much confidence your CLOSET could be taking from you every day. And it doesn’t matter what type of closet, what type of clothing, or what type of occasion. Many people (especially women), are victims to the silent confidence killers lurking right in their closets.

That’s why I’m so stoked to share the wardrobe wisdom I received from an old friend and expert image consultant, Ginger Burr.

Ginger’s built a business around helping others look and feel their confident best.  She explains how and what to do to create a closet of confidence that goes beyond just knowing what color or sleeve length looks best on you. It’s about building a wardrobe that reflects what really looks good, feels good and most importantly, reflects your unique lifestyle and values.  

They say clothes make the man. In this female-focused episode, you’ll see that a confident woman makes smart clothing choices that work for her. 

 Highlights from our conversation include: 

For over 30 years, Ginger Burr has helped women around the world create wardrobes they love by connecting with their inner essence through private consultation and with her Who Taught You How to Dress? coaching program. Ginger has also provided her expertise in Worth, Forbes, and Bloomberg Businessweek magazines. You can learn more about Ginger and her services at totalimageconsultants.com