Real Confidence

If you’ve been in my world for a while, you know I identify many things we don’t even recognize that can crush our confidence - like difficult decisions, new situations, toxic people, even our own self-sabotage! But I bet you didn’t realize how much confidence your CLOSET could be taking from you every day. And it doesn’t matter what type of closet, what type of clothing, or what type of occasion. Many people (especially women), are victims to the silent confidence killers lurking right in their closets.

That’s why I’m so stoked to share the wardrobe wisdom I received from an old friend and expert image consultant, Ginger Burr.

Ginger’s built a business around helping others look and feel their confident best.  She explains how and what to do to create a closet of confidence that goes beyond just knowing what color or sleeve length looks best on you. It’s about building a wardrobe that reflects what really looks good, feels good and most importantly, reflects your unique lifestyle and values.  

They say clothes make the man. In this female-focused episode, you’ll see that a confident woman makes smart clothing choices that work for her. 

 Highlights from our conversation include: 

For over 30 years, Ginger Burr has helped women around the world create wardrobes they love by connecting with their inner essence through private consultation and with her Who Taught You How to Dress? coaching program. Ginger has also provided her expertise in Worth, Forbes, and Bloomberg Businessweek magazines. You can learn more about Ginger and her services at totalimageconsultants.com

FACTS

And friends, all of those things came together for me not long ago. A client brought me in to do a workshop for a select group of people and not only did I BOMB but some things that came out of my mouth in what turned out to be a high-pressure situation are ones I wholly regret. 

Knowing you screwed up is horrible but what’s worse is when the people you did it in front of come at you with daggers in their eyes and tell you the damage you did is beyond words (clearly it wasn’t, because the client had plenty of words to share). 

It doesn’t matter that I built a career on confidence or how much brain science I’ve studied and put into practice, I left that workshop questioning everything and to be honest, in a little bit of panic about losing this partnership might mean because it played a key role in another business I run and it impacted revenue.

TRUTHS

You might remember my guest on this episode from an earlier conversation we had about owning your health and I’m delighted to say that Andy Storch is back and this time we’re talking about careers. Specifically, how to move through the fear and anxiety that sets in when we want or need to make a change but are too scared to start. 

We recorded this episode last year and if it was relevant then, it’s even more relevant now given more waves of layoffs, the arrival of AI and the opportunities that’s creating: More and more people I talk to are waking up and realizing that they don’t actually like what they do for a living anymore – if they ever did. 

So, whether you fell into your career by accident, chose it what you thought was deliberately, or just have a boss who kind of sucks, Andy’s got great insights into how to tap into what could be – or is – next for you. 

And it all starts by learning how to listen to what’s hiding beneath the din of the alarm bells our brains sound off when it’s time to make a change. 

Put in your earbuds and get ready to take some notes as Andy and I talk about:

Andy Storch is an author, consultant, coach, speaker and facilitator on a mission to get the most out of life and inspire others to do the same. He is the author of the book, Own Your Career Own Your Life, which is designed to help professionals stop drifting and take control of their futures. Learn more at  ownyourcareerownyourlife.com.

A couple of episodes ago, we talked about how to say no with confidence. That’s an easy one to relate to, because we all worry about hurting someone’s feelings, coming across as a wet blanket or just plain negative or difficult.

In that case, we find ourselves saying yes when we really mean no.

Guess what? That’s not a confident yes.

Neither is the “Yes, I’m going to do X because it will prove I’m a risk taker,” or “Yes, sign me up for Y, because then everyone will know I’m a good person.” 

And then there’s the kind of Yes all the people pleasers in the audience will recognize: the one we say when it’s more important to keep the peace and make others happy while our own needs or wants go unmet.

So, what is a confident yes?

The short answer is, it’s one you know in your gut, aligns with your values, needs and wants – even in the face of fear.

Maybe especially in the face of fear.

Ready to get your Yes on? Click to listen. 

I meet and coach a lot of people where even the idea of presenting or speaking in public stops them in their tracks. Totally understandable and relatable, right? Because when we present or speak, we’re doing it live – no do overs! – and in front of an audience that may or may not be friendly.

What might surprise you is that for many of us, the same fear comes up with writing – even though it’s a solitary activity and that it’s rare we’re with the reader real-time while they’re taking in our words.

So why is that? Is it because the written word is lasting and has more permanence? Because each word we put down becomes part of some kind of paper trail that can be referenced, misinterpreted or used against us later? And with remote work now more the norm than the exception, those fears are exacerbated.

I wanted to dive a little deeper into what’s going on here. Not just because I love to write, but because almost of us spend an enormous amount of time every day writing emails, texts, social media posts, analyses, project plans, even performance reviews – and reading them, too.

Who better than to help me understand the roots of writing insecurity and what we can do to feel more confident about how we express our ideas than Erin Lebacqz, author of  High-Value Writing: Real Strategies for Real-World Writing.

If you have questions about what “real world writing” is and how it can help you become a more confident, authentic, true, and effective communicator listen as we talk about:

Erin Lebacqz has been helping people write with clarity and confidence at work and beyond for over twenty years. She has taught in the private, public, non-profit, and academic sectors, both in the United States and internationally. You can buy her book here and learn more about her work at highvaluewriting.com. 

Listener friends, 

The 50th episode of Real Confidence just dropped, and I‘m all but stunned. Certainly time flies when you're doing something really fun and fulfilling.  But the ACI team knows,  I really had no interest in doing another podcast. 

When my marketing manager first brought it up at a meeting all I could think was “Been there, done that, not interested in doing it again.” I had hosted many podcast and videocast series even before they were a thing - like 20+ years ago in my basement with my husband filming on an actual camcorder (search on Mom Matters if you want to time travel.) 

I argued with our marketing guru, Maureen, “Does the world REALLY need another podcast? Won’t I just be adding digital litter? Who wants to hear from me when they can tune into celebrities or someone impressively accomplished? And seriously, I even doubt that my own mother or friends will listen.”

But Maureen can be really convincing and even though I wasn’t fully on board, I was like, “Okay, let’s give it a go.” 

Zero expectations. 

And boy am I glad I was absolutely wrong.

The podcast is not only extremely popular and well liked (thank you for being the reason for that!) - but I LOVE doing it.  I unexpectedly learned a TON about marketing, interviewing and all sorts of other useful lessons - but then one thing was REALLY surprising. 

I say it on every show: confidence isn’t something you “just get”. You have to do something that feels counterintuitive. Almost the opposite. If I ever doubted that for a second, recording this episode proved it. 

Elton John might think “sorry” seems to be the hardest word, but after years of confidence work I’m putting my money on “no”.

No, I can’t make the meeting.

No, I’m not interested in that.

No, that doesn’t work for me.

It should be easy, right? Because “No” all by itself is a complete sentence and yet saying it? Terrifying.

What if we hurt someone’s feelings? What if they get angry? What if they cancel us?

The fear of rejection is REAL and our brains are hardwired to protect us against it at all costs. So even when a simple “No” can suffice, we go to great lengths to justify – to the other person and ourselves – why we’re saying it. We over-explain, plead our case if you will. We do this because our brains automatically go on the defense and if you’re paying attention, you can literally feel it the moment it happens.

Can we get better at saying “No”? Can we say “No” with confidence? Yes. And there are situations in your life when you do it already without even being aware of it.

Tune in to hear what else I have to say about this two-letter word that we’re all scared of. Because when you know, you’ll “No” -  just like my friend LEGO Batman.

One of my favorite things about this podcast is getting to talk to brilliant people about things I’m personally fascinated with. The link between clarity and confidence is one of those things. 

There’s a lot of fluff out there on the subject and you know I don’t do fluff which is why I invited Ann Latham, author of The Power of Clarity, to go deep on this with me. How do clarity and confidence actually work together? Is this a chicken-and-egg  situation? Can you have one without the other or are they always a package deal? 

Even though I’m a confidence expert, I had questions and Ann had – no surprise – clear answers. I hope you’ll enjoy listening in as we talk about:

Ann Latham, known widely as the Queen of Clarity, is the author of the modern classic The Power of Clarity, the new release The Disconnect Principle, in addition to The Clarity Papers and Uncommon Meetings. She is also the founder of US-based consulting firm Uncommon Clarity®. Learn more about Ann at annlatham.com.

You know the saying, if you want anything done, do it yourself? I hate it. I get it, but I hate it. Even when I benefit from it – and by benefit, I mean when my husband takes care of the dishes I leave in the sink. 

I’ll do them eventually, but it makes him crazy. And every time he cleans up after me, he’s teaching me that if I wait long enough, I won’t have to do it myself. 

In other words, he’s enabling me. 

Also, it’s not really about the dishes, is it? It’s about values. 

My husband values the dishes being done right away. He prioritizes this value. When I don’t do my dishes he experiences what we call at ACI a “values violation” because we don’t share the same priority. 

We’ve had YEARS to work this out and both kind of met in the middle – I’m better about doing my dishes and he doesn’t get quite as mad when he sees them in the sink – but this benign clash of ours contains some important lessons whether we’re the enabler or the enabled. 

The bottom line is this: when we enable others, we’re not only taking the lazy way out, i.e., can’t be bothered to explain why something is important to us, we’re stealing the other person’s confidence by sending the message they’re lazy, incapable or worse.

And as someone who’s built a career on giving confidence to the world, I can’t let that stand. 

In this episode of Real Confidence, I break it all down for you:

Friends, I’ve got another story from my adventures with L’Oreal and IT Cosmetics to share because the person who did my makeup for the photoshoot and videos has a natural gift for bringing out confidence in others in a way I have NEVER seen before. 

Alex LaMarsh is hands down one of the coolest people I know. She’s got a body of work as a makeup artist full of models and celebs way cooler than me, but somehow we became friends. 

Now you get to “meet” her too. 

You might think this episode is just about makeup (cosmetics) but it’s really about our internal makeup. What makes us who we are when our nerves are rattled, when we’re stressed out or otherwise don’t feel good about ourselves but still have to show up and give things our best shot. 

(Okay, there might be one or actual cosmetic tips in this episode too, but you’ll have to listen to find out.) 

I hope you’ll love listening to Alex as much as I do as she shares:

About Alex LaMarsh

At 6’2″ Alex LaMarsh is a force to be reckoned with. Whether wielding a makeup brush, producing photoshoots, or working as a beauty expert. Alex has conquered every aspect of her craft.

Rising from her humble beginnings in Nebraska she moved to San Francisco to study fashion/costume design. At the age of 19 worked as a costumer in the theater & opera in San Francisco, then onto NYC to steal some spotlight for herself as a model. After living and working in Los Angeles for over a decade Alex now resides in NYC & works full time as a makeup & hair artist as well as a beauty expert.

You can learn more about Alex at alexlamarsh.com or follow her on Instagram @alexlamarsh.