Real Confidence

Back on Podcast 31, I was soaking up the many gems from my guest expert,  Aidan Miller about how to deal with a toxic boss. But towards the end, Aidan said something that literally stopped me in my own internal talk track. Do toxic people even know they are?! What if ‘I’ am toxic to others? How can I tell?

Caring whether you are or aren’t toxic demonstrates honest self-awareness and a genuine interest in working with or leading others well. 

As Aidan said to me, “If you spot it, you got it. Then you’re paying attention.”  She got my attention for sure, and I wanted to know more than one episode would allow!

So please join me and the truly awesome Aidan for this encore episode of Real Confidence to detect and detox your own behavior.

We’re digging deep into:

Aidan Millar is an Organizational Development and Learning Specialist in Ontario, Canada and has spent the last decade engaging with various organizations across Canada to help develop individuals, teams and leaders to optimize their potential. Aidan is also certified in a variety of psychometric assessments to assist in promoting insight and awareness. Connect with her on LinkedIn.

Big changes, small changes. Changes that you want and make, changes you don’t want, that happen to you. Changes that excite you, changes that turn your world upside down. Changes of heart, of scenery, of pace. 

What do they all have in common? The ability to derail our confidence. 

What? Yes. I’m saying confidence gets at least a little shaken anytime you sense a change - for better or worse. You take a new dream  job, move to a fav city, find your ideal mate -  these are positive, desired changes, versus undesired, less controllable ones like a work re-org, losing a loved one or learning how to operate in a post-pandemic world.

No matter what flavor of change is being served up, your brain is still wired to crave certainty. It prefers situations that are predictable, that it can count on. To your brain, what is familiar feels safe and anything new, no matter how progressive, will be perceived as a potential threat to your ego or wellbeing. 

So how can we hold onto our confidence when we decide to take on something new or life takes an unwelcome turn?

I’m glad you asked. 

In this episode of Real Confidence I’m going to walk you through the 5Cs of Confidence that we use at the Institute in our Self-Coaching class and Confidence Coach certification program. They’re not hard to learn and they’re the easiest way I know to move through changes with our confidence intact.

Lights, Camera, Confidence Crisis with Michele Moreno

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. When I signed on to be the Confidence Educator for L’Oreal and IT Cosmetics Confidence at Work campaign and was scripting the videos we were going to film, I called in an expert to coach me on how to be a rock star on camera. 

Even though I've presented hundreds of times live on stage and over Zoom.

Unless you’re on camera full time for a living, there’s just something about that C word that freaks us all out. Me included.

Enter Michele Moreno. Hiring Michele  is one of the best decisions I’ve made. She’s a cool chick. I love her. And if the phrase lights, camera, action makes you want to barf you’re going to love her, too. 

Listen into our conversation where Michele, who’s been on sound stages with likes of Big Bird and William Shatner, shares her own on-camera freakout story and shares her top tips for being confident on camera.

Episode highlights include:

After an epic freak-out on National TV (in front of millions), she learned from every hard knock and developed a camera presence Hollywood could not ignore. Her credits include acting on hit shows like FX’s The Shield, ABC’s Boston Legal and NBC’s Parenthood. Now she helps executives and entrepreneurs become clear, concise and compelling — on camera or off. You can learn more about Michele at her website michelemoreno.co.

Everyday Emotional Murders

Of all the ways our confidence can get kicked - failure, regret or rejection - it’s rejection that hits us the hardest. If we fail at something or make a decision that didn’t turn out anywhere near the way we hoped, we at least know we had some impact on the result, right?

Not with rejection. Now I know I talked about rejection and how we could all use a little bit of it in another podcast, but the kind of rejection I’m talking about in this episode is a little different. 

I call them Everyday Emotional Murders and, if you’re human, it’s likely you’ve been both the victim and the villain committing them. 

The “You can’t sit with us,” comments. The “Thanks, but no thanks,” rebuffs. The “I have to wash my hair,” excuses. 

Click the play button and let’s talk about Everyday Emotional Murders are, what we can do when we experience one or realize we’ve committed one and listen to the story about the impact one bad boss’ comment from almost 20 years ago still has on me today.

How to Deal with a Toxic Boss with Aidan Millar

Listen, I know this is a hot topic, but let’s get one thing out of the way: there’s no single, clear-cut definition of a toxic boss. The person who destroyed you may be beloved by others and vice-versa.

It’s a matter of interpretation. 

Any time our interpretation of a boss’ behavior threatens our self-worth, self-confidence or emotional well-being in a given moment, we’re in a toxic work relationship. Our lizard brains get triggered and we experience a neurological threat response.

Looking at this way, toxicity can be interchangeable with distrust or even fear – two things no one wants to feel or experience at work (or anywhere for that matter).

But when this is our reality, what can we do to mitigate that stress response and communicate, conduct ourselves and even connect with our boss with confidence?

Learning and Organizational Development pro Aidan Millar  joins me in this episode of Real Confidence to spill the tea on exactly how we can begin to build emotional resilience, confidence and be in control over our reactions to the jerk we work for.

We get into:

There’s a flip side to this coin, though and it’s not pretty. How do you know if YOU’RE a toxic boss? I’ll be having Aidan back in just a few weeks to help us answer that question. You might want to buckle up.

Aidan Millar is an Organizational Development and Learning Specialist in Ontario, Canada and has spent the last decade engaging with various organizations across Canada to help develop individuals, teams and leaders to optimize their potential. Aidan is also certified in a variety of psychometric assessments to assist in promoting insight and awareness. Connect with her on LinkedIn.

The Confidence to Own Your Health with Andy Storch

If you’ve been hanging around in my orbit for a while, you probably know my confidence crusade origin story and how ACI came to be. It started when my older son was diagnosed at eight years old with a neurological condition many, many doctors didn’t know what to do with. After years of poking and prodding and not getting any solid answers, I reached a point where I was like, “I gotta take ownership of this.”

It was scary, right? I’m not a researcher, don’t have a medical degree, but I was confident in one thing: I wasn’t going to let that get in the way of helping my son.

My guest on this episode has a similar story. Andy Storch, life-long personal development devotee and author of Own Your Career, Own Your Life thought he knew a thing or two about resilience and overcoming adversity until he had to put his well-honed mindset skills to the biggest test of all: testicular cancer that spread to his stomach and neck.

 Listen in as we talk about:

Andy Storch has been cancer free since early 2022. Learn more about his health journey at AndyStorch.com/cancer and check out his book at ownyourcareerownyourlife.com.

How to be Confidently Pissed Off

It may not seem it on the outside but I am easily aggravated. And when I'm tired, or a lot of stuff is going on, I have to fight hard to stay ‘nice’ and not give someone a piece of what's really in my mind and on its way out of my mouth (or typing fingers!)

But not all sources of aggravation are equal - some situations just annoy us and waste our limited cognitive energy. The aggravation is fleeting and we don’t ruminate about it. More frustrating situations can get literally under our skin and into our brains. We might lose sleep or be so stressed out that the aggravation psychologically and physiologically damages our wellbeing.

We’ve got our everyday annoyances, like walking into a restroom stall to find the person who was there before us didn’t flush. Disgusting, but easily dealt with and forgotten. Then we’ve got what I call our “WTF frustrations”, situations like someone replying to an email and asking questions that you clearly addressed in the original note that they obviously didn’t take the time to read. That type of thoughtlessness is annoying for sure but can be dismissed by thinking something like, ‘they’re just a numnuck’. 

Then there are the situations or behaviors that utterly piss us off to the point of physical reaction - and everyone can see it. Just try wasting my time or money! That’s pretty much guaranteed to raise my aggravation shackles and get a visual reaction.

No matter how grievous the insult or injury though, we always have choices in how we respond - three options, in fact. In this podcast, I break down what they are and give you strategies on how to simmer down an aggravating situation into something less stressful and more productive than kicking the dog or verbally damaging your human relationships.

One of my all-time favorite TV shows is one from the UK called Sex Education. It’s got engaging and relatable characters, takes on controversial social issues with honesty and grace,  plus, it's often hilarious - an ultimate mix of that makes you really think, laugh and learn. 

My 23-year-old son Zak watches it too and we enjoy chatting about the stories and lessons from each episode, but he’s like, “Mom, there is no way in hell we can watch it together - and for the love of G*d, don’t even joke about the sex parts.” Despite his confident upbringing, even Zak isn’t comfortable talking about sex. In truth, neither am I - and I bet we’re not alone.

So if most of us are embarrassed just talking about it, can we learn how to watch it, think about it, and do it with unapologetic confidence?* 

YES we can! In this episode of Real Confidence, I ask certified sex therapist and coach Liz Dube specifically HOW. 

Highlights from our conversation include:

Want more Liz? Find her at talksexwithliz.com or search Talk Sex with Liz on TikTok where she for near daily convos. 

* This epidode does not address sexual trauma or factor it into the recommendations made in the podcast. If you are a victim of any type of sexual abuse, we encourage you to consult a skilled psychological and/or medical professional.

Can you hack confidence?

Without fail, at every keynote or workshop I deliver, someone asks me, “What are the easiest, fastest confidence hacks?” It’s a natural question, right? Especially when I share the research that shows we don’t really learn how to be confident until we’re 60 years old. 

The good news is there’s definitely a shortcut. We CAN hack confidence in the sense that we can develop it well before we turn 60, but it’s not quite as easy as flipping a switch - despite what you’ll find if you start searching around on the Internet. 

Common advice runs the gamut from striking power poses to conscious breathing to having a gratitude practice. There’s nothing wrong with these techniques – I love and use them in a moment of upset, panic or overwhelm – but for real confidence, the kind that lasts and is sustainable, it’s not about what you do, or even about what you think confidence is: it’s about HOW you think.

Are you ready to partner with your brain to hack your confidence? I get into this and more in this episode of Real Confidence.

Key takeaways from this episode include:

Stop Looking for Purpose & Happiness at Work with Bruna De Palo

Wait. What? Aren’t we supposed to aspire to do work that gives us purpose and makes us happy? Even if it’s not all the time, at least some of the time? After all, work is where we spend most of our time, effort and energy. No one wants that to be a miserable experience. 

The trouble is, when that misery inspires us to change roles, companies or industries, we go into the new experience with the same expectations that made us want to leave where we were: that the work we do and whom we do it with (and for) will make us happy, give us purpose and, yes, please, the fulfillment we’ve been seeking all our lives. 

Well, stop right there. Because if that’s what you’re looking for, chances are good you’re going to be disappointed once the onboarding honeymoon wears off and you’ll repeat the cycle over and over until you retire. 

So what’s the answer? I’m glad you asked. In this episode of Real Confidence I’m joined by the fabulous Bruna De Palo, a neuro-science based executive and career coach whose own journey to uncover why she felt so dead inside when everything about her job looked good on paper led to some startling discoveries. 

Tune in to our conversation – which nearly brought me to tears – and hear us talk about:

Bruna De Palo, is the founder of Think and Act differently Ltd, which delivers  neuroscience-based executive and career coaching and training. Bruna helps Fortune 100 and 500 leaders convert theoretical frameworks into memorable, brain-based tools and actionable strategies to achieve their goals. Learn more about Bruna at brunadepalo.com.