The Space Between Shame and Blame

The House I've Been Living In

Have you ever noticed how quickly we judge ourselves when we're struggling?

We tell ourselves we're doing life wrong.

We should be happier.
We should be stronger.
We should have figured this out by now.

Or we move in the opposite direction and start blaming someone else.

If only they had changed.
If only life had been different.
If only circumstances had worked out another way.

When we are hurting, our mind naturally wants an explanation.

Blame points outward.

Shame points inward.

But there is a third place we can stand.

A place right in the middle.

And that place is curiosity.

In the middle, we still take ownership of our choices, but we stop making ourselves the problem.

We set ourselves free.

Because there is nothing wrong with you as a person.

There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely.

Nothing wrong with feeling exhausted.

Nothing wrong with feeling disappointed.

Nothing wrong with feeling afraid.

Your feelings are not evidence that you are failing.

They are information.

They are invitations to pay attention.

Most of us learned ways of thinking, reacting, coping, protecting, pleasing, achieving, withdrawing, controlling, or caretaking because those things served us.

The way you've been doing life has been useful.

It has gotten you this far.

It has protected you.

It has helped you survive difficult seasons.

So when you begin noticing patterns that no longer serve you, there is no need to attack yourself.

You don't need more shame.

You don't need another self-improvement project.

You don't need another thing on your to-do list.

The invitation is simply to become curious.

Instead of asking:

"What's wrong with me?"

Ask:

"What story am I living from right now?"

That's a very different question.

Because now we are not looking for a problem.

We are looking for understanding.

I often think about it this way.

I love the woman I have been up until now.

She has carried me through difficult seasons.

She has shown up when things were hard.

She has done the best she could with what she knew.

But life changes.

Seasons change.

Needs change.

And eventually we have to ask:

Who do I want to become now?

Not because who I've been is wrong.

But because life is inviting me into something new.

And that's where fear often shows up.

Because the version of you that has gotten you this far has worked very hard.

She has protected you.

She has developed habits and ways of thinking that have served you well.

And she will be afraid to let go.

The challenge isn't becoming a completely different person.

The challenge is letting go of the parts that no longer fit.

Not all of her.

Just parts of her.

And that's scary.

Which is why observation is so important.

Instead of saying:

"I'm doing this wrong."

Try saying:

"I see that I've done it this way in the past."

"I wonder what would happen if I tried something different."

Do you feel the difference?

One creates shame.

The other creates possibility.

One closes the door.

The other opens it.

So rather than becoming the judge of your life, become the observer of your life.

Become curious.

Become the detective.

Like Sherlock Holmes, begin gathering clues.

Observe your thoughts.

Observe your reactions.

Observe your feelings.

Ask yourself:

What am I believing right now?

What am I afraid might happen?

What am I trying to protect?

What need am I trying to meet?

Because underneath every reaction is usually a story.

And stories are discovered in layers.

Not all at once.

Layer by layer.

Which is why creativity can be such a beautiful companion in this process.

Creative Exercise:

The House I've Been Living In

This isn't a project to finish.

This isn't a project to do perfectly.

This is an ongoing conversation with yourself.

Begin with a journal page, watercolor paper, or mixed media paper.

Start by adding a layer.

Torn paper.
Paint.
Tissue paper.
Book pages.

Anything you like.

Then draw several horizontal lines across your page.

Let them gently rise and fall like rolling hills.

Imagine they are pathways moving through your life.

Choose one line.

Somewhere along that path draw a simple house.

Nothing fancy.

Just a roof.
A door.
A few windows.

This house represents the person you have been up until now.

The house you've been living in.

Around the house, write words that describe who you've been.

Caretaker.

Strong.

Responsible.

Independent.

People pleaser.

Helper.

Provider.

Creative.

Anxious.

Organized.

Whatever feels true.

As you look at the house, remember:

This is not a house to criticize.

This is a house to honor.

It got you here.

It served a purpose.

It provided shelter.

It protected you.

Then continue drawing along your path.

Add trees.

Lots of trees.

Tall trees.
Short trees.
Skinny trees.
Crooked trees.
Strong trees.

Place them all along your rolling hills.

As you draw each tree, simply pause.

Take a breath.

Listen.

Notice what thought, memory, feeling, or word comes to mind.

Then write it beside the tree.

Don't overthink it.

One word is enough.

A phrase is enough.

A question is enough.

Maybe a tree says:

Fear.

Maybe another says:

Lonely.

Maybe another says:

Loved.

Maybe one says:

Tired of carrying everything.

Maybe another says:

What do I want now?

There is no right answer.

The trees simply become markers along the path.

Moments of awareness.

Moments of observation.

Moments of pause.

And here's the important part:

You do not need to finish the page.

In fact, I hope you don't.

Leave room.

Come back tomorrow.

Add another tree.

Add another word.

Add another path.

Add another layer.

Because the story isn't discovered all at once.

The story reveals itself slowly.

Just like life.

One layer at a time.

One tree at a time.

One question at a time.

And as you walk this creative path, notice that you are no longer standing in the boxing ring of shame and blame.

You are standing in curiosity.

You are standing in compassion.

You are standing in grace.

And from that place, you can begin creating the next version of yourself—not because there is something wrong with you, but because there is still more of you waiting to be discovered.

This would pair beautifully with your closing thought:

"Art gives us a place to observe our story without having to defend it. It calms our nerves and allows the deepest changes to happen. 

You want to be creative, but you are tired of looking for ideas of what to create.  Maybe you time is limited and you would love having a place that you could choose classes from painting to journal making.  Take a moment and click on over to https://cathyfreemanart.com.  Coming up with ideas of what to create will never be a problem again.  In My Art Sisters, I provide new online classes every month.  Classes are easy to access and always available for our art members.   Take a moment and visit our site.

One of the greatest emotional struggles many people quietly carry is the fear of disappointing others.

We do not always call it people-pleasing.

Sometimes we call it:
being nice
, being helpful
being easygoing
being loving
being selfless

But underneath it can often be something much deeper:

a fear of rejection
a fear of conflict
a fear of being misunderstood
a fear of losing connection
a fear of not being loved

And what makes this difficult is that many people who struggle with people-pleasing are genuinely kind-hearted people.

They care deeply.

They are compassionate.
Empathetic.
Sensitive.
Helpful.

But somewhere along the way, the nervous system began associating approval with safety.

“If everyone is happy with me… then I’m okay.”
“If no one is upset with me… then I’m safe.”
“If I keep the peace… then I will feel secure.”

And because of that, boundaries can feel terrifying.

Honesty can feel dangerous.

Even simple words like:
“No.”
“I can’t.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I need rest.”

can create anxiety inside the body.

Tightness in the chest.
Guilt.
Panic.
Overexplaining.
Fear.
Second-guessing.

Why?

Because the nervous system interprets disapproval as emotional danger.

And this is important to understand:

People-pleasing is often not simply a personality trait.

It is a learned survival strategy.

Many people learned early in life to stay emotionally useful.

And what I mean by emotionally useful is this:

You became highly aware of other people’s emotions.

You learned how to:
keep the peace
avoid conflict
comfort others
manage tension
make life easier for everyone else

Maybe being helpful earned approval.
Maybe staying quiet avoided criticism.
Maybe caretaking created connection.
Maybe keeping everyone emotionally comfortable helped you feel secure.

So your nervous system slowly built an internal equation:
“If people are pleased with me, then I am safe.”

But eventually this creates exhaustion.

Because you begin carrying everyone else emotionally while quietly abandoning yourself.

And this is where resentment often appears.

Not because you are selfish.

But because the soul can only override its own truth for so long before it becomes emotionally exhausted.

And this is where Christ-centered living changes everything.

Because healing people-pleasing is not about becoming harsh, selfish, or uncaring.

It is about shifting whose approval defines you.

When our identity becomes rooted primarily in other people’s reactions, emotions, or opinions, we become emotionally unstable because human approval constantly changes.

People are inconsistent.
Emotional.
Imperfect.
Distracted.
Sometimes wounded themselves.

One day they approve of you.
The next day they may misunderstand you.

If your peace depends on constant approval, your nervous system will remain trapped in emotional hypervigilance.

Always scanning:
“Are they upset?”
“Did I disappoint them?”
“Do they still love me?”
“Should I fix this?”
“What do they think about me?”

That is exhausting.

But Christ-centered living slowly teaches the nervous system a different truth:

My worth is not determined by human approval.

When your heart becomes anchored in Christ instead of approval, something powerful begins happening internally.

You stop needing every person to validate you in order to feel okay.

Not because you stop caring about people.

But because your identity becomes steadier.

You begin realizing:
I can disappoint someone and still be loved by God.
I can set boundaries and still be kind.
I can say no without becoming selfish.
I can be honest without being cruel.
I do not have to abandon myself to maintain temporary peace.

That is emotional freedom.

And honestly, this work is deeply spiritual because so much of people-pleasing is rooted in fear.

Fear of rejection.
Fear of conflict.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear of losing connection.
Fear of being “bad.”

But scripture repeatedly reminds us:
God did not create us to live enslaved to fear.

Christ-centered living helps calm the nervous system because it moves us from:
“What will everyone think of me?”
to:
“Am I walking in truth, wisdom, honesty, and love?”

That shift changes everything.

Now this does not mean boundaries suddenly feel easy.

Your nervous system may still react.

You may still feel guilt when saying no.
You may still feel anxiety when disappointing someone.
You may still feel uncomfortable when someone misunderstands you.

But now you begin learning how to sit with that discomfort instead of immediately abandoning yourself to remove it.

That is growth.

Because emotionally mature boundaries often feel uncomfortable before they feel peaceful.

Especially for those who spent years overfunctioning emotionally.

And this is where we must learn to calm the nervous system spiritually and physically.

When you feel the urge to people-please:
pause.

Breathe slowly.
Pray before reacting.
Sit quietly with God before immediately fixing everything.
Allow the nervous system to settle before responding emotionally.

Ask yourself:
“Am I acting from love… or from fear?”
“Am I helping because I genuinely want to… or because I’m afraid of disappointing someone?”
“Am I seeking peace… or am I avoiding discomfort?”

Those questions create awareness.

And awareness interrupts automatic patterns.

This is also where creativity can become deeply healing.

Instead of spiraling mentally:
paint
journal
collage
stitch
write prayers
sit with color and quietness

Creativity helps regulate the nervous system because it slows the mind and reconnects the body to the present moment.

And often when the nervous system calms, clarity returns.

One of the healthiest truths a recovering people-pleaser can learn is this:

Someone else’s disappointment is not always an emergency.

That sentence can feel shocking at first.

Especially if your nervous system has spent years trying to keep everyone emotionally comfortable.

But Christ never called us to live controlled by fear of human reaction.

He called us to live rooted in truth, wisdom, love, peace, and obedience to God.

And sometimes obedience requires honesty.

Sometimes it requires boundaries.

Sometimes it requires disappointing people.

Even Jesus disappointed people.

Not because He lacked love…
but because truth and love are not the same thing as constant approval.

That realization is incredibly freeing.

Because Christ-centered living is not about becoming emotionally hard.

It is about becoming emotionally steady.

Gentle without collapsing.
Kind without self-erasure.
Loving without losing yourself.
Honest without guilt controlling you.

And perhaps one of the most healing things your nervous system can slowly learn is this:

I do not need everyone’s approval to be secure.

I am already loved by God.

And when that truth becomes deeply rooted inside the heart, people-pleasing slowly begins losing its power.

Not overnight.

But one honest boundary…
one truthful conversation…
one peaceful no…
one surrendered fear at a time.

And maybe that is what true freedom really looks like.

Not becoming less loving.

But finally becoming free enough to love others without abandoning yourself in the process.

One of the hardest emotional experiences we face is disappointment in relationships.

Especially when we have been the giver.

The encourager.
The helper.
The listener.
The dependable one.
The one who shows up.

And then one day…we find ourselves needing support too.

We need someone to check on us.
To comfort us.
To notice us.
To emotionally show up for us.

But instead, we feel alone.

And that disappointment can feel incredibly painful because it touches something much deeper than the moment itself. It can awaken feelings of rejection, abandonment, invisibility, or being emotionally unimportant.

What is fascinating is that often the greatest suffering does not come only from what happened…

It comes from what our mind begins to make the situation mean.

Our thoughts are powerful.

Because thoughts create emotions.
Emotions drive reactions.
And reactions create results.

So when someone disappoints us, the first thing we often do is create a story.

Maybe the story sounds like this:

“They don’t care about me.”
“I always give more than I receive.”
“No one is ever there for me.”
“I must not matter.”
“If I mattered more, they would show up differently.”

Now notice what those thoughts create emotionally.

Hurt.
Resentment.
Loneliness.
Anger.
Bitterness.
Sadness.

And once those emotions build, they begin driving our reactions.

Maybe we withdraw emotionally.
Maybe we become cold.
Maybe we overexplain ourselves.
Maybe we people please even harder hoping to finally receive love back.
Maybe we shut down.
Maybe we spiral into overthinking.
Maybe we emotionally eat.
Maybe we replay conversations in our head all night long.

And eventually those reactions create results.

Distance.
Miscommunication.
Exhaustion.
Emotional instability.
More hurt.
More disappointment.

Which leads us to an important question:

Is the reaction creating the result we actually wanted?

Because most of us do not truly want disconnection.
We want comfort.
We want understanding.
We want closeness.
We want peace.

But when our thoughts become painful, our reactions often move us farther away from the very thing we hoped for.

This is why learning to manage our mind matters so much.

Now this does not mean we pretend we are not hurt.

It does not mean our needs are wrong.
It does not mean we should tolerate unhealthy behavior.
And it certainly does not mean we should never communicate our needs.

But it does mean this:

Our emotional peace cannot fully depend on another person behaving exactly the way we hoped they would.

That realization can feel uncomfortable at first because many of us unconsciously believe:

“If they would just change, then I could finally feel okay.”

But emotional maturity begins when we realize that our inner stability cannot be handed over to someone else’s behavior.

There is a space between what someone does and what we decide it means.

And that space is where emotional freedom begins.

For example:

Someone forgets to call.

One interpretation might be:
“They do not care about me.”

Another interpretation might be:
“They may be overwhelmed, distracted, emotionally unaware, or simply different from me emotionally.”

Now neither interpretation changes the actual event.

But the meaning we assign to the event changes our emotional experience entirely.

That is why two people can experience the exact same disappointment and respond completely differently.

One spirals into pain and rejection.
The other feels disappointed but remains emotionally steady.

Why?

Because thoughts shape emotional outcomes.

Sometimes we unknowingly expect other people to love exactly the way we love.

But not everyone has the same emotional capacity, awareness, communication style, or emotional maturity.

Some people were never taught how to emotionally support others.
Some people avoid emotions altogether because they never learned how to sit with discomfort.
Some people are emotionally exhausted themselves.
Some people genuinely care but express love differently.
And yes…some people simply do not have the depth we hoped for.

Understanding this does not erase disappointment.

But it helps us stop personalizing every painful experience.

Because when we personalize everything, we begin tying our worth to another person’s response.

And that becomes emotionally dangerous.

One of the healthiest things we can learn is this:

Someone else’s inability to fully support me does not define my value.

That is such an important truth.

Because when disappointment hits, our brain often moves quickly toward self-protection.

We either:

But peace is found in slowing down before reacting.

This is where creativity becomes such a beautiful tool for emotional regulation.

Instead of immediately reacting from hurt…
pause.

Paint the emotion.
Journal the thought.
Create a collage around the feeling.
Tear paper instead of tearing yourself apart mentally.
Sit quietly with color and movement.
Allow your nervous system to settle before deciding what the situation means.

Because when emotions are high, clarity becomes low.

Our brain moves into protection mode.
And protection mode often exaggerates fear, rejection, and abandonment.

But creativity helps bring us back into the present moment.

It gives the mind space to breathe.

And once the nervous system calms, we can ask ourselves better questions.

“What am I making this mean?”
“Is this thought helping me?”
“What result will this reaction create?”
“Is this response moving me toward peace or farther from it?”
“What would emotional steadiness look like right now?”

That does not mean we never have hard conversations.

Sometimes boundaries are necessary.
Sometimes communication is needed.
Sometimes relationships truly are unhealthy.

But emotionally healthy responses come from clarity…not emotional chaos.

One of the most powerful things we can say to ourselves is:

“I am disappointed, but I do not want my thoughts to create more suffering than the situation already has.”

That sentence alone can change so much.

Because often the original disappointment hurts…
but then our mind adds layer after layer after layer.

Future fears.
Old memories.
Worst-case scenarios.
Rejection stories.
Self-worth questions.

And suddenly the pain becomes much bigger than the original moment.

This is why learning to observe our thoughts is life changing.

Not every thought deserves agreement.

Some thoughts are simply fear talking.
Some are old wounds talking.
Some are exhaustion talking.
Some are unmet childhood needs resurfacing.

And when we learn to slow down and question those thoughts, we create space for emotional stability.

The goal is not becoming emotionless.

The goal is becoming emotionally aware.

It is learning how to feel disappointment without becoming consumed by it.

It is learning how to say:
“That hurt me…”

without turning it into:
“I am unlovable.”

It is learning how to acknowledge:
“I wish they had shown up differently…”

without concluding:
“I have no worth.”

That is emotional growth.

And honestly, this work takes practice.

Especially for those of us who are naturally nurturing, giving, sensitive, and emotionally invested in relationships.

Because caring deeply is not weakness.

But when our emotional wellbeing becomes fully dependent on how others respond to us, we begin losing our stability.

True peace begins when we realize:

I cannot control another person’s actions.
But I can learn to guide my thoughts, calm my nervous system, and choose my response.

That is where our power truly is.

And perhaps one of the most freeing realizations of all is this:

Not everyone will love us the way we hoped.
Not everyone will show up the way we would show up.
Not everyone has the capacity we wish they had.

But we can still choose emotional steadiness.
We can still choose wisdom over reaction.

And maybe that is what emotional maturity really is.

Not becoming hard.
Not shutting down.
Not pretending we do not hurt.

But learning how to remain grounded without losing our softness, even when disappointment comes.

And this is where creativity can become powerful too.

Instead of immediately reacting,  consider these options:

Because when the mind calms, clarity often follows.

And sometimes the greatest freedom is realizing:

Not everyone can love us the way we hoped.

The goal is not to stop feeling disappointment.

The goal is learning how to feel disappointment without letting it control your identity, your peace, or your reactions.

A healthier response may sound like:

“I wish they had shown up differently.
I feel hurt.
But I do not want my thoughts to create more suffering than the situation already has.”

That is emotional maturity.

We can still choose how we think, respond, heal, and move forward in every situation..

When Your Brain Reacts Before You Think

The Moment Between the Two Brains (And Why We Lose Ourselves)

Today I want to go a little deeper into something we’ve been talking about…

the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain.

And I want to make this really practical today.

Because once you start seeing this pattern, you start noticing it everywhere.

Not just in big emotional moments…

but in small everyday reactions too.

Like:

And what I find so fascinating is this…

All of those behaviors are actually connected to the same nervous system response.

The Two Brain Systems (Simple Explanation)

So when we talk about the upstairs and downstairs brain, we’re really talking about two systems in the brain working at different speeds.

Downstairs Brain (Survival System)

This includes things like the amygdala, the brainstem, and other fast-acting survival structures.

And this part of the brain is quick.

Very quick.

It scans for anything that feels like danger—not just physical danger, but emotional or social danger too.

So things like:

can all register as threat.

And the downstairs brain reacts instantly:

It’s not thinking.

It’s protecting.

Upstairs Brain (Thinking + Regulation System)

The upstairs brain is mainly the prefrontal cortex.

This is the part that helps you:

This is your grounded, wise self.

The part of you that can say:
“Let me slow down here.”
“I don’t need to react immediately.”
“I can choose how I want to respond.”

The Important Truth: They Work at Different Speeds

And this is key…

The downstairs brain is fast.

The upstairs brain is slower.

So in moments of stress, the emotional system often activates first.

Before we even think about it.

And sometimes it temporarily reduces access to clear thinking.

This is often called an amygdala hijack—when the survival system takes over before the thinking system can fully engage.

And that’s why it can feel like:
“I know better… but I still reacted that way.”

That’s not failure.

That’s biology.

The Moment Between the Two Brains

And here’s what I find really fascinating…

There is a moment between the two brains.

A small pause.

A space.

And that space is where everything changes.

Because in that moment, you can either:
go downstairs into reaction…

or stay upstairs long enough to choose your response.

But most of us were never taught how to stay in that pause.

We were taught to:

So we learned speed over awareness.

Reaction over reflection.

What Going “Downstairs” Actually Looks Like

And this is where it gets really interesting…

Because going downstairs doesn’t always look dramatic.

Sometimes it looks like:

And sometimes it doesn’t even show up in relationships.

Sometimes it shows up in how we try to regulate ourselves.

The Nervous System’s Search for Relief

Because here’s something really important…

When the downstairs brain is activated, it is not just trying to think.

It is trying to feel better quickly.

So it will reach for anything that creates immediate relief.

And that’s where we see patterns like:

And what’s so important to understand is this:

These are not random habits.

They are nervous system regulation strategies.

Overeating and the Downstairs Brain

Let’s talk about overeating for a moment.

Because this is something so many people experience quietly.

When the nervous system feels overwhelmed, stressed, lonely, or emotionally full…

the downstairs brain starts looking for fast comfort.

And food is one of the quickest ways the brain knows how to change how we feel.

Because food can:

So the brain learns:
“This helps me feel better quickly.”

Not because something is wrong with you…

but because your nervous system is trying to regulate itself.

And in that moment, the upstairs brain—the reflective part of you—has less access.

So instead of asking:

the system is just asking:

“How do I feel better right now?”

That’s downstairs brain thinking.

Fast relief.

Why This Is Not About Willpower

And I really want to be gentle here…

Because this is not a willpower issue.

This is not about discipline.

This is about a nervous system trying to find relief from internal discomfort.

And when we understand that, everything shifts.

Because now we’re not asking:
“What’s wrong with me?”

We start asking:
“What am I feeling that I don’t know how to hold right now?”

Why Women Especially Experience This

And I think this is especially true for women.

Because many women are constantly managing:

So the nervous system becomes highly sensitive to:

And that can create a brain that goes “downstairs” very quickly.

And then tries to restore safety quickly.

Through people pleasing…
or overeating…
or over-functioning…
or emotional shutdown.

Different behaviors.

Same system.

The Real Healing Point: Awareness of the Pause

So what actually helps?

It’s not eliminating emotion.

It’s not never going downstairs.

That’s not realistic.

The healing point is awareness.

Because once you can notice:
“Oh… I’m downstairs right now.”

You create the possibility of coming back.

And that moment—that awareness—is everything.

The Pause Is a Biological Skill

That pause between reaction and response is not just emotional maturity.

It is your nervous system learning regulation.

Because in that pause:

And that’s the goal.

Not perfection.

Awareness.

Creativity as a Way Back Upstairs

And this is where I always come back to creativity.

Because creativity naturally slows the nervous system.

When you’re:

your system begins to regulate.

And something shifts.

You move from reaction…
into presence.

And in that presence, you start hearing yourself again.

Not fear.
Not urgency.
Not pressure.

You.

And sometimes in that space, you realize:

Creativity gives you access to awareness before reaction.

Closing

So maybe the question isn’t:

“How do I stop reacting?”

Maybe it’s:

“Can I notice when I’m reacting… just a little sooner?”

Because the upstairs brain is not far away.

It doesn’t disappear.

It just gets harder to access when the downstairs brain is loud.

But it always returns through:

And from that place…

you don’t just react to life.

You begin to respond to it.

https://realpositivechange.com

Podcast Title:
When Your Mind Won’t Stop: Overthinking DIY Peace in the Present

Intro:

Have you ever noticed how your mind can just… keep going?

You replay conversations.
You think ahead to what might happen.
You try to figure things out before they even happen.

And before you know it…
you’re not in today anymore.

You’re somewhere in the future—trying to control something that hasn’t even happened yet.

And it’s exhausting.

Today, I want to talk about overthinking…
why your brain does it…
and how to gently bring yourself back to the present—without fighting your thoughts.

Segment 1: What overthinking really is

Overthinking often feels like problem-solving.

But most of the time… it’s not solving anything.

It’s your mind trying to:

Your brain is asking:

“What if this goes wrong?”
“What if they respond this way?”
“What should I do so this turns out okay?”

And it keeps going… because it’s trying to create certainty.

But here’s the truth:

The future is uncertain.
And your brain doesn’t like that.

So it keeps talking… hoping if it thinks long enough, it will finally feel settled.

But it rarely does.

Segment 2: A real-life example

Let me give you a simple example.

You send a text… and they don’t respond right away.

Your mind starts:

“Did I say something wrong?”
“Are they upset?”
“Should I send another message?”
“What if this changes things?”

And now you’re no longer just waiting for a response…

You’re in a full story your brain created.

But what is actually true in that moment?

You sent a message.
They haven’t responded yet.

That’s it.

Everything else… is the mind trying to fill in the unknown.

Segment 3: When we create expectations for others

Overthinking shows up strongly in relationships.

We start to imagine:

“They should respond this way…”
“They’ll probably say this…”
“This is how it needs to go…”

And without realizing it, we’ve created a whole expectation.

But anytime we set ourselves up for another person to act a certain way…

we set ourselves up for disappointment.

Because we don’t control their response.

And our peace becomes tied to something outside of us.

Segment 4: Using “Story” to calm the mind

So how do we quiet that mental chatter?

We come back to the present… through story.

Not the imagined story of the future…

but the true story of right now.

Ask yourself:

“What is actually happening in this moment?”

Right now:

This grounds your mind.

Because overthinking pulls you into imagined stories…

but peace lives in the present one.

Segment 5: Why we keep overthinking

Here’s the deeper reason we do this…

We’re trying to avoid a feeling.

We don’t want to feel:

So we try to think our way around the feeling.

But thoughts can’t remove emotional discomfort.

They usually just delay it… or amplify it.

Segment 6: Thought work—choosing your path

So what do we do instead?

We shift into what I call thought work.

You gently tell yourself:

“I’m willing to feel whatever comes… even if I don’t like it.”

And then:

“I have two options here.”

And this is important…

Neither option is perfect.

Both options may come with discomfort.

And that’s where most people get stuck—
they’re trying to find the option that feels good.

But often…

👉 There isn’t one.

So instead, you ask:

“Which option do I want to choose… knowing I can handle the feelings that come with it?”

That’s where your power is.

Segment 7: Making peace with not feeling peaceful

Sometimes we’re not trying to solve the situation…

We’re trying to feel better right now.

We want relief.

We want the feeling to go away.

But what if the goal isn’t to feel better immediately?

What if the goal is to become okay… even when you don’t feel okay?

There’s a quiet strength in saying:

“I don’t feel peaceful right now… and I’m still okay.”

And when you stop fighting the feeling…

it often softens on its own.

Segment 8: Another example

Let’s say you’re waiting on a decision…

Your mind starts racing ahead:

“What if it doesn’t work out?”
“What will I do next?”
“How will this affect everything?”

And suddenly you’re living in a future that hasn’t happened.

Instead, you come back:

“Right now… I’m waiting.”
“Right now… I don’t know yet.”
“Right now… I am okay.”

That’s how you interrupt overthinking.

Segment 9: A guided moment

Let’s take a short moment together.

Pause.

Take a slow breath in…
and let it out.

Now gently ask yourself:

“What is true right now?”

Not tomorrow.
Not later.

Just right now.

Let your shoulders soften.

You don’t have to solve anything in this moment.

You just have to be here.

Segment 10: When we try to change the situation

We often think:

“If I can just fix this situation… then I’ll feel better.”

So we try to control it.

But many times…

the situation isn’t the real issue.

It’s how we feel about it.

And when we try to change the situation just to avoid discomfort…

we stay stuck in the cycle.

Segment 11: A simple way forward

The next time your mind starts racing…

Pause.

Breathe.

And ask:

“What is true right now?”

Then remind yourself:

“I can handle what comes… even if it’s uncomfortable.”

Closing:

Your mind isn’t broken.

It’s trying to protect you.

But it doesn’t need to run ahead to do that.

You can bring it back… gently… again and again.

Outro:

So today, when your thoughts start to spiral…

come back to your story.

Not the imagined one…

but the one you’re actually living in this moment.

Because that’s where your peace begins.

And from that place…
you can always take your next step.

https://realpositivechange.com

When You Lose Yourself Trying to Be Liked

Intro:

Have you ever walked away from a conversation and thought…

“Why did I say that?”
“Why didn’t I just say what I really felt?”
“Why do I always do that?”

Or maybe you find yourself saying yes… when you really mean no.
Agreeing… when you actually feel something different.

Not because you don’t have thoughts or opinions—
but because you don’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable… or unhappy with you.

It’s exhausting to be the person that everyone wants you to be…
trying not to offend anyone… adjusting yourself so everyone else feels comfortable…
being what you think will make them happy.

Today, I want to talk about something many women experience over time…

How trying to be liked…
can slowly lead to losing touch with who you really are.

And how to gently find your way back.

Segment 1: Is this actually true?

Is it true that trying to keep everyone happy can cause you to lose yourself?

Yes—but not all at once.

It happens quietly.

Little by little.

You adjust your words.
You soften your opinions.
You avoid tension.
You prioritize everyone else’s comfort.

And over time, you stop asking yourself:

“What do I actually think?”
“What do I actually feel?”
“What do I actually want?”

Segment 2: Why do we do this?

Most of the time, this comes from a good place.

You care about people.
You value connection.
You want peace in your relationships.

But underneath that… there can be a deeper belief:

“If everyone is happy with me… then I’m okay.”

So your mind begins to link:
approval = safety
disapproval = discomfort

And without even realizing it, you begin shaping yourself around that.

Segment 3: What does losing yourself look like?

It doesn’t mean you disappear.

It looks more like:

Because part of you knows:

“This isn’t completely me.”

Segment 4: The shift back to yourself

Finding your way back doesn’t mean becoming harsh or uncaring.

It means becoming honest… in a gentle way.

It starts with awareness:

“What do I actually feel right now?”
“What would I say if I wasn’t worried about how this would be received?”

Not that you always say it out loud…

But you begin by telling the truth to yourself.

Segment 5: Art can help bring you out of this cycle

And this is where art becomes so powerful.

Because when you sit down to create…
you start to see the pattern show up right there on the page.

You gather your materials…
you’re ready to begin…

and then a thought slips in:

“I wonder what I should make that others will like…”

And I want you to notice that.

That right there… is the same pattern.

You’re still in performance mode.
You’re still thinking about someone else’s reaction.
You’re still adjusting yourself—even in a space that was meant just for you.

So let me ask you something gently…

What if, just for a moment… you didn’t have to be liked here?

What if no one was going to see this?
What if there was nothing to get right?

Because when you create from the place of
“Will this be good enough?”
or
“Will someone like this?”

You’re not actually expressing yourself…

You’re managing perception.

And that is exhausting.

But something shifts when you begin to step out of that.

Not perfectly… just a small step.

You pause…
you notice the thought…

“I’m trying to make something someone would approve of.”

And instead of following it… you gently set it down.

And you ask yourself:

“What do I feel like choosing right now?”

Not what looks best.
Not what makes sense.
Not what someone else would like.

Just… what are you drawn to?

Maybe you reach for a color you didn’t plan on.
Maybe you tear paper instead of placing it perfectly.
Maybe you write a word that feels honest—even if it’s messy.

And in that moment, something important is happening.

You’re not trying to be liked.
You’re not adjusting.
You’re not performing.

You’re simply responding to what’s inside of you.

And I want you to hear this clearly…

That might feel uncomfortable at first.

Because if you’re used to being aware of everyone else…
turning inward can feel unfamiliar.

You might even feel a little exposed… even though no one is watching.

That’s how deep this pattern can run.

But if you stay with it… just for a few minutes…

you may start to feel a shift.

A quiet one.

Where your shoulders soften.
Your thoughts slow down.
And your choices begin to feel more like… you.

Not the version of you shaped for everyone else.

But the real you.

And this is why art matters.

Because it gives you a place to practice being yourself again.

Without pressure.
Without expectation.
Without needing a reaction.

Just you… creating something that reflects what’s true for you.

Segment 6: You’re Not for Everyone (and that’s okay)

I want to share something that might feel a little uncomfortable…
but also really freeing.

You’re not for everyone.

And I’ll be honest… even saying that out loud has been a journey for me, because I’m a reformed people pleaser.

For a long time, I thought:
“If I can just say things the right way…
if I can just be careful enough…
if I can just not offend anyone…”

Then everything would feel peaceful.

But what I started to realize was this…

When I stayed small…
when I watered myself down…
when I held back parts of who I was in the name of keeping everyone comfortable…

I wasn’t just avoiding disconnection.

I was also missing real connection.

Because yes… maybe you won’t offend anyone…

But you also won’t truly connect with anyone either.

Connection doesn’t come from being perfectly agreeable.

It comes from being real.

From letting people actually see you.

And that means not everyone is going to resonate with you.

Not everyone is going to understand you.

And sometimes… someone might even feel hurt.

Now I want to be clear…

I’m not saying it’s okay to be careless or intentionally hurtful.

But there is a difference between:
being hurtful…
and someone feeling hurt.

If your intention is honest…
if your heart is not to harm…

and someone still feels hurt…

it may be because something inside of them was already tender.

Something your words touched.

And that’s not something you can always control.

And this connects right back to your art.

Because when you create…

you practice showing up without adjusting.

Without filtering.

Without asking:
“Will everyone like this?”

You simply ask:
“Is this true for me?”

And the more you practice that in your art…

the more it carries into your life.

You begin to speak a little more honestly.
Show up a little more fully.
Connect a little more deeply.

Not with everyone…

But with the right people.

Segment 7: A simple practice

Here’s something simple you can try:

Sit down with a few materials.

Before you begin, ask yourself:

“What have I been holding in?”
or
“What feels true for me right now?”

Then create something that reflects that.

No fixing.
No explaining.
No making it pretty.

Just let it be yours.

Closing:

You don’t lose yourself overnight.

And you don’t find yourself overnight either.

But every time you choose to turn inward…
every time you allow yourself to express something honestly…

you come back to yourself, little by little.

Outro:

So today, give yourself permission to create something that reflects you.

Not what anyone else would expect.
Not what anyone else would like.

Just you.

Because the more you create from that place…
the more you begin to remember who you are.

Podcast 30 - The Art of Feeling Better: How Creativity Helps You Feel Happy, Calm, and Clear

https://cathyfreemanart.com -  https://realpositivechange.com

Take a moment and think back on a time when you had so much going on in your mind that you actually felt scattered. It was hard to keep things straight… you were forgetting things you needed to get done… There was just too much on your mind, and you couldn’t keep it all together. Your emotions were on alert, and you felt a whole lot more impatient.

Today, I want to talk about something simple—but powerful.

How creating art can actually help you feel happier, calmer, and more like yourself again.

Not because you’re making something perfect…
but because of what’s happening inside your brain while you create.

The first key point is this: Art Gives Your Mind Space

So much of our day is spent thinking.
Processing. Reacting. Managing emotions.

And when our thoughts stay stuck in our head, they can start to feel overwhelming.

But when you begin to create—whether it’s:
collage
painting
journaling

It’s like giving your mind a coffee break… you know, that 15-minute step-away moment before you go back and hit it again.

Creating gives your mind:
a place to slow down…
a place to breathe.

Last episode, I talked about our upper brain and our lower brain—or as I like to call it, our upstairs brain and our downstairs brain.

Well… Art engages the upstairs brain.

When you’re creating, something important happens.

Your thinking brain—the part that reflects, makes meaning, and helps you feel steady—begins to engage.

How?

Instead of reacting, you start observing.

For example:
Instead of “I’m so overwhelmed, I can’t handle this,”
you notice, “I have a lot on my mind right now.”

Instead of “Nothing is going right,”
you begin to see, “There are a few things that feel heavy today.”

Instead of snapping or shutting down,
you might find yourself quietly choosing colors, layering paper, or writing a few words—and your mind begins to sort things out without you forcing it.

You’re no longer caught in the feeling…
you’re gently looking at it.

Instead of feeling overwhelmed, you start organizing your thoughts in a visual way.

Art helps you move from:
reaction → to response.

It’s Not About Talent—It’s About Expression

A lot of women believe:
“I’m not creative”
“I’m not good at art”

But this kind of art isn’t about skill.

It’s about:
expression
exploration
and giving your emotions somewhere to land

You’re not trying to impress anyone.

You’re simply creating space for what’s inside of you.

Did you know this?
Art helps you “make meaning.”

Remember earlier when we talked about how your brain assigns meaning to situations?

Art gives you a way to see that meaning—almost like looking out a window and watching what’s happening instead of being stuck inside it.

When you choose:
colors
images
textures
words

You’re actually shaping the story you’re telling yourself.

Instead of staying stuck in:
“This feels overwhelming”

You begin to ask:
“What does this mean?”
“What do I want to hold onto… what is actually beneficial here?”
“And what do I want to release?”

Would you like to know what kind of art helps most?

The most helpful kind of art is simple and open.

Things like:
tearing and layering paper in a collage
painting without a plan
writing a few honest words on the page
using color to reflect how you feel

It doesn’t need structure.

It needs freedom.
Freedom to unload what you’ve been carrying.

And while you’re having fun playing with color and paper…
art is doing something powerful for your emotions.

When you create in this simple way, you may notice:
your body starts to relax
your thoughts slow down
your emotions feel less intense
you gain a little more clarity

You’re not forcing yourself to “feel better.”

You’re allowing your brain to process what’s already there.

I’m going to give you a simple way to start.

If you’re not sure where to begin, try this:

Sit down with a few materials—paper, glue, markers, or paint.

Ask yourself one question:

“What am I feeling right now?”

Then create something that reflects that feeling.

No pressure. No rules.
Just let it come out.

I love to use collage for this because I’m not worried about drawing anything perfectly… I can just choose images, tear paper, move things around, and let it come together naturally.

Closing:

Creating art isn’t just about making something beautiful.

It’s about creating space within yourself.

Space to think.
Space to feel.
Space to gently shift from reaction… into response.

And in that space, you often find something we’re all looking for:

A sense of calm.
Clarity.
And a quiet kind of joy.

Outro:

So today, give yourself permission to create something simple.

Not for anyone else.

Just for you.

Because sometimes, the most meaningful thing you can create…
is a little bit of peace within your own mind.

https://www.realpositivechange.com

The brain is often described in two parts: The downstairs brain—which is fast, reactive, and emotional.
And the upstairs brain—which is thoughtful, reflective, and steady. Now here’s the key: This isn’t about emotion versus no emotion. It’s about reaction versus response. Your downstairs brain reacts.
Your upstairs brain responds. 

What Each Part Does Let’s take a moment and understand what each part does. Your downstairs brain is always asking one question: “Am I safe?” It scans for: rejection disconnection being overlooked anything that feels like a threat to belonging And when it senses something—even something small—it reacts quickly. This is where thoughts can sound like: “I’m alone” “I don’t matter” “I’m not being seen” These thoughts feel true in the moment because they come with emotion.

Your upstairs brain, on the other hand, is where you: make meaning reflect choose your words regulate your emotions It’s slower, but it’s wiser. ****** When I say your upstairs brain helps you make meaning, here’s what that really means. Every situation you experience—your brain immediately asks:
“What does this mean about me?” But here’s the important part…
The situation itself doesn’t carry meaning.
You assign the meaning. For example, if someone is distant or unavailable, your first thought might be:
“I’m not important.” That feels true—but it’s actually just one interpretation. Your upstairs brain gives you the ability to pause and ask:
“What else could this mean?” Maybe it means:
“They’re overwhelmed.”
“This is about timing, not my value.”
“I’m feeling disconnected—but that’s not the same as being unimportant.” That’s what it means to make meaning.

And from there, you can: reflect on what you’re feeling choose your words more carefully and stay steady instead of reacting.   It’s slower—but it’s wiser. It can say: “Wait… what’s actually happening here?” “Is there another way to see this?” “What do I want my response to be?”

Fear-Based Thinking vs. Faith-Filled Thinking Now let’s talk about something deeper. When your thoughts are fearful, you are often operating from your downstairs brain. Fear-based thoughts are: urgent absolute emotionally charged They say things like: “This always happens” “They don’t care” “I’m not enough” These thoughts are trying to protect you—but they don’t always tell the full truth.

So here’s the question: Does faith-filled thinking mean you’re using your upstairs brain? Yes… but not in a simplistic way. Faith-filled thinking isn’t about ignoring emotion. It’s about allowing your upstairs brain to: stay engaged bring perspective anchor you in truth instead of fear Faith sounds like: “This feels hard, but I’m not alone” “There may be more going on than I can see” “I can choose how I respond here” Faith doesn’t shut down the downstairs brain. It calms it.

Why This Matters in Everyday Life Let’s make this practical. Imagine this: Your husband is busy working long hours. Your downstairs brain might say:
“I’m last on the list. I don’t matter.” That feels real. But your upstairs brain can gently step in and say:
“This feels like disconnection… but that doesn’t mean I’m unvalued.” Do you see the difference? One is a reaction.
The other is a response.

Or in your business: You’re around people, and you feel exposed speaking about what you do. Your downstairs brain says:
“This is risky. Don’t speak. Stay small.” Your upstairs brain says:
“This feels vulnerable… but sharing something meaningful isn’t dangerous.”

How to Apply This Daily.   Here are a few simple ways to practice this in real life:

1. Name where you are
Ask yourself:
“Is this a reaction… or a response?” That alone creates awareness.

2. Don’t fight the feeling—translate it
Instead of saying:
“This is wrong” Try:
“This feels like fear… not necessarily truth”

3. Invite your upstairs brain back in
Ask:
“What else could be true right now?”

4. Pair faith with honesty
Not:
“I shouldn’t feel this way” But:
“This feels hard… and I can still choose how I respond”

5. Take small visible steps
Confidence grows after you act, not before.

“In so many areas of our lives, our downstairs brain is quick to make things personal. But our upstairs brain gives us the ability to pause and choose a meaning that is more grounded, more truthful, and often more compassionate.” Your brain is not working against you—it’s trying to protect you. But it doesn’t always interpret things accurately. So the goal isn’t to eliminate emotional reactions. It’s to notice them… understand them… and gently move toward a thoughtful response. Because when you do that, you’re no longer led by fear. You’re led by intention, truth, and faith.

Next time you feel overwhelmed, pause and ask: “Is this my downstairs brain reacting… or my upstairs brain responding?” That simple question can change everything.

I’ve realized something really important ....
You can either be controlled by your thoughts, or you can create a space so they don’t control you.

That one shift changes everything.

I use a very simple framework called STORY.
It’s not complicated—it’s just a way of noticing.

It’s just helping you see the pattern.

Because most of the time… we’re reacting to the story in our mind, not just the situation itself.

I had a moment today that reminded me why this matters so much.

I was told about a situation… and almost immediately, I could feel it start.

My thoughts shifted.
They started going in a negative direction.

I could feel the anxiety rise…
frustration building…
and even a little bit of anger.

And right along with that came the urge…to react.

To call.
To fix it.
To clear it up right away.

That’s been my pattern for a long time.

But today, something was different.

I paused.

I didn’t immediately react.
I didn’t try to fix the situation right away.

And I also didn’t try to force myself to think something different.

Instead…

I just gave my mind a moment to breathe.

Instead of trying to force a new thought,
I gave my mind something steady to focus on and align with.

Visit:  https://realpostivechange.com

https://realpositivechange.com

I was listening to a woman complain about her mother-in-law and how she was not being a good grandmother.   

Instinctively the other woman who was also listening,  said something that really caught my attention.

She said,
“You must have quite the manual on how to be a good grandmother.”

She then continued to listen a bit longer,  in which she gently added,
“It sounds to me like you both don’t have the same grandmother manual.”

I thought that was such a brilliant statement.

And that’s what we’re going to talk about today.

When I say the word manual, what comes to your mind?

A manual is a guide… a set of instructions… something that tells you how something should be done.

And whether we realize it or not—
we all carry these kinds of manuals in our minds.

Unwritten expectations for how people should show up.

How a friend should act.
How a husband should respond.
How a daughter, a mother, a grandparent should behave.

These manuals aren’t written down…
but they are very real.

Now, you might think having these manuals is a bad thing.

But that’s not necessarily true.

They’ve been shaped by our past experiences…
and often come from a place of love.

They help guide how we show up.
They help us be thoughtful, caring, and responsible.

Our manuals are not the problem.

The problem begins when we expect others to follow our manual…

Without ever telling them.
Without ever asking what their manual says.

We start grading people on rules they never agreed to.

And in doing that… we take away their agency—
their ability to choose how they want to show up in that role.

And here’s something important to notice:

The emotional impact of this doesn’t really affect them…
it affects us.

We become frustrated.
Disappointment begins to grow.

Just like that mother who felt let down by her mother-in-law.

And none of us like to sit in those feelings for very long.

So what do we do?

We begin to withdraw.

Quietly… silently…
we start putting up walls.

We tell ourselves we don’t want to feel this way anymore…
and we don’t want to deal with it.

And over time,
we don’t just feel hurt…

we start creating distance.

But here’s the deeper truth, my friend:

They aren’t doing it wrong…
they’re just doing it differently.

Because every person has their own manual—
shaped by their story,
their capacity,
and what that role means to them.

Their manual is as unique as their hairstyle…
or the way they choose to dress.

And I’ll be honest with you—

I had my own manual for my husband
for the first fifteen years of our marriage.

And on the days he didn’t follow it…
all heck would break loose.

It wasn’t that I wanted everything my way…

I just didn’t understand
that I had a manual—
and that his manual was different than mine.

At times, it felt like we were in two different boats…
maybe going in the same direction down the river…
but completely disconnected.

And I remember him saying once,
“You’re never happy unless I’m doing things exactly the way you like.
I can never seem to please you.”

That moment stayed with me.

Because something in me knew—
something needed to change.

And that’s really where my journey began.

I started learning more about the mind…
how thoughts are formed…
how our perceptions shape our emotions and actions.

I worked with many individuals over time…
but truly, my greatest success story was myself.

I began to let go of my manual of the “perfect husband.”

I allowed him the space… the grace… to grow and expand in his own way.

And when there were things I didn’t like—
and talking wasn’t getting us anywhere—

I would take it to God in prayer.

And I can honestly tell you…
either he changed… or I did.

But it didn’t matter which one.

What mattered was that we found ourselves in the same boat again…
heading in the same direction.

So today, I want to invite you into something gentle.

Notice your manual.

Get curious… instead of critical.

Allow space for difference.

What if instead of asking,
“Why aren’t they doing this right?”—
and comparing it to how you would do it—

you asked,
“What does this role mean to them?”

And then gave them the freedom…
the agency…
to live that out.

Because when we release others from our manual…
something softens in us too.

There’s more room to breathe.
More space for peace.

And even creativity begins to return.

I’ve found that when I step away—just for a few moments—
and immerse myself in something simple and creative…

everything begins to shift.

Because creating with your hands
gives your mind a moment to rest.

It pauses the judgment.

And it opens the door to new thoughts.

You begin to ask different questions—
“What might their perspective be?”
“How do they see this?”

And in that space…

it becomes so much easier
to hear God’s voice.

So I’ll leave you with this:

Where in your life
might you be holding a manual a little too tightly?

Until next time…

When you create art,
you create calm.