You’ve probably heard things like this: Men get turned on at the slightest provocation and are ready to have sex anytime, anywhere, while women tend to want sex less often and have to be “in the mood.” For years, that’s been the widespread belief: Men just have higher sex drives than women.
Research has often been cited to back up the idea that, perhaps because of their higher testosterone levels, men think more about sex, seek it more actively, and get turned on more easily. Men’s sexuality is like an on-off switch, while women’s sexuality is a complicated network of connections. Right?
Actually, no.
Other research – along with an evolving understanding of sexuality, gender, and desire – are telling us that sex drive doesn’t fit neatly into columns labeled “male” and female.”
“Not only is the idea that men have higher sex drives an oversimplified notion, but it’s really just not true,” says Sarah Hunter Murray, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and the author of Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships.
Many Influences
“Our social norms and the ways we’re raised to either lean into our sexuality or repress it have a huge impact on how we experience our sexuality and how we report it in studies,” Hunter Murray says. “People raised as men in our society have been typically given more permission to speak openly about wanting sex, while young women have often been told not to express their sexuality.”
Justin Garcia, PhD, executive director of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, agrees.
“Our sexual interest is driven by many factors, including not only biology, age, and use of medications, but also by situation – for both men and women,” he says. “Sexual attitudes are affected significantly by societal and religious attitudes. If you’ve been told that expressing your sexuality is bad, over time that will impact your sense of whether you should be doing it or not.”
And those messages may have influenced the research that has been telling us men want sex more than women.
Throw on your favorite sitcom, head to the movie theater or pick up a classic piece of literature, and you’ll find recurring motif: all these couples dance away “happily ever after.” Even scrolling through your social media feeds can have you wondering, “Is my relationship normal?” especially when it comes to sex and intimacy.
er, and those who had sex less than once a week reported feeling less fulfilled.
“Normal” is whatever feels fulfilling for you and your partner, and communication plays a key role in making sure both parties feel fulfilled.
The Importance of Sexual Intimacy
Sexual intimacy is vital in any relationship, and not just for the sensual pleasure of it all.
“Closeness and connection is a human need,” explains Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a NYC-based licensed clinical psychologist. “When in a long-term relationship it's important to reconnect through sex. The brain chemicals released during sex further enhances bonding.”
Levkoff concurs, adding that sex doesn’t always have to be limited to intercourse, either. Physical intimacy — including cuddling, oral and manual stimulation and sharing of sexual fantasies — contribute to this bonding. At the end of the day, the focus shouldn’t be on hitting a “magic number,” but rather on meeting the needs of both partners and bonding through intimacy as a couple.
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