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Hey, men.  Today we’re going to talk about receiving criticism from our wives.  If you’re like me, your wife is often the last person that you want to give you criticism. I have pretty thick skin, but I can get all bent out of shape at the slightest criticism from my wife.  I think that’s because there is no one in the world that I want to respect me more than my wife. In Emerson Eggerichs’ book “Love and Respect - the Love She Desires; the Respect He Desperately Needs.”, he points out that what a man desires most from his wife is to feel respected.  It’s hard to feel respected when you’re being criticized.  It’s a knee jerk reaction to feel disrespected when someone points out a shortcoming or a flaw. I know some of you may be in a marriage where your wife’s criticism is anything but constructive.  I pray that God continues to strengthen you to keep fighting for your relationship if that is the case. But for most of us, our wife isn’t criticizing us because she wants to belittle us or tear us down. She genuinely wants the best for us.  

There is a difference between helpful criticism and constant nagging.

Responding well to healthy criticism from our wives can help us grow as a husband and father.  It demonstrates we’re teachable. This is not the same thing as being emasculated by constant criticism. We should seek to give our wives the benefit of the doubt, but it may also be helpful to call in a trusted spiritual leader for discernment. 

Proverbs 25:24  It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic  than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.

• Give your wife the benefit of the doubt.  Treat her criticism as something she is offering because she wants the best for you.  She hopes to motivate you. She wants to see you be the kind of husband and father God has called you to be.. 
• Ask her to be specific. Specific in ways that she sees need for improvement or change - 
• Vague - I don’t feel like a priority any more. 
• Specific - You’re coming home later and when you’re home, we rarely talk.  When you have time off, it is spent on your hobbies. Using “I feel because statements” can be very helpful here. 
• If you do feel like your wife constantly criticizes, call in some help.  Get a spiritual leader or trusted brother and sister in Christ to listen in and give you insight. Don’t turn it into a gripe session. Give your spouse advance notice that you’re going to do this.
• Honey, it seems like in the majority of our conversations, you’re criticizing me.  I know I’m not perfect, but it’s out of hand. I’m asking for some help because I’m committed to our marriage. I’m committed to you, but it’s wearing me out and I need some help. 
• Keep serving her.  Keep loving her like Christ loves the church. 
• Ultimately, you practice love or respect because beyond your spouse you see Jesus Christ and you envision a moment when you will be standing before Him at the final judgment, realizing that your marriage was really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for your Lord.”

― Emerson Eggerichs, Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

Help her help you. 

Give your wife direction on how she can relay constructive criticism in a way that you’re more likely to receive it. 

• The right truth at the right time. Not in front of the kids, not out in public, not when emotions are high. 

Proverbs 25:11 Timely advice is lovely, like golden apples in a silver basket.

• Do you need affirmation along with the criticism? The three to one rule.  
• Is your primary love language words of affirmation?  If it is, a critical word might be ten times heavier for you than for someone who has a different primary love language.  
• Get clarity on action steps moving forward. 
• Those action steps should be measurable, specific, and realistic 
• Get an accountability partner, aside from your wife, to help you stick to the action steps. You don’t want your wife having to be the one to call you on the carpet if you’re not following through. 

The wise seek instruction. 

God blessed us with our wives as our helpmate. He uses marriage to make us more holy and receiving feedback from our wife is part of that process. 

Proverbs 10:8  The wise are glad to be instructed, but babbling fools fall flat on their faces.

Proverbs 11:2  Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.

Proverbs 12:1 To learn, you must love discipline;  it is stupid to hate correction.

Proverbs 13:13 People who despise advice are asking for trouble;  those who respect a command will succeed.

Proverbs 13:18 If you ignore criticism, you will end in poverty and disgrace;  if you accept correction, you will be honored.

• Thank God for a wife that wants you to lead. Thank God for a wife that desires to see you be more like Jesus. That is a blessing, not a burden. This shift in how you view your wife’s feedback will make a huge difference in how you receive it. 
• She sees the real you. She sees the you when you’re tired, when you’re stressed, when you’re hungry (or hangry). She sees the you that deals with disappointment. If you wonder why others don’t have the same feedback, they don’t see what she sees. 
• Driving in traffic example, critical nature when my kids played spots - most people never saw that, but my wife sure did.