Hey babe, we needed more drama this year so I told everyone you cheated on me but I forgave you...❤️

Not only have I lost my keys...but I lost my bowl that I'm supposed to keep my keys is...and everything else in my apartment. Yanno I may have just gotten robbed

Well it turns out Australia is the scariest country in the world…and chickens aren’t pregnant when they lay eggs...

Being healthy? Living longer? No disease or pain? Sorry that’s going to be one billion dollars…ooof sorry 👉👈🤪

I mean I’ve been sticking carrots directly in my eyes for years but as it turns out it always comes back to Big Carrot trying to push their agenda 😒

No questions asked but I really need you to help me put in Rhinosaurus into this guy's car...trust me it's for the greater good of society and because I want to

No trust me bro *insert any streamer* knows a lot about crypto!! You'd be absolutely stupid not to invest!! I literally mortgaged my house because they told me it was a LOCK!!

Well sorry officer I personally believe it’s my god given right to walk around with this double bubble ice cream in my pocket…if you want it you’re gonna have to lick it off me yourself!

"I've asked you out like 12 times...so is this time a yes??" "And no princesses aren't allowed to have drivers licenses...or cars...or anything really...but it's because I'm a KING!"

Unfortunately Superman physics don't actually work and we cant build a "time machine" by "spinning the globe backwards" but I appreciate the enthusiasm :)