Resilience Talk Network

On this episode of The Verve, Susan Escalante Interviews up-and-coming Rap Star, Jesus Jones who has overcome years of adversity to become who is is today. Very Inspirational interview!

The Dispatch with Tom Gandley #4

Julie Cluff with Build a Life After Loss, helps you navigate through grief and loss to find hope and purpose again. Thinking that our loss shouldn’t have happened, isn’t helpful, even if it’s where we start. It doesn’t have to be where we end.We’re going to delve into resiliency, ironman triathletes and how life happens for us even when it doesn’t feel that way.

As a Christmas gift to her listeners, Tamara K. Anderson shares two audio chapters from her book, Normal for Me in this week's episode of Stories of Hope in Hard Times. One chapter talks about her son’s diagnosis of autism and the other how God helps us learn to problem solve the challenges we face.A Special Christmas Gift: 2 Audio Chapters from my Book, Normal for MeOn today’s episode, I’m going to do something very special for you, my wonderful listeners, because it is Christmas. And to celebrate Christmas, I would love to give you a gift.The GiftI have two chapters I have chosen from my book, Normal for Me, that I am going to give you. This is partially to celebrate the launch of my audiobook, which happened just a few weeks ago. So I would love to share with you chapter three and chapter seven from my book, Normal for Me.Chapter 3: Diagnosis–Dead End or Detour?Chapter three is one of the most heartfelt chapters in my book. It is where I talk about my son Nathan’s diagnosis. This chapter was hard for me to write, but it was also a hard for me to read–because everytime I read it I went through those same emotions all over again. I actually had to stop several times when I was recording it because I would get a little emotional.This chapter talks about the life detours that we face. And one of the fun things I did in this chapter was I wove in the story of Moses and the Children of Israel as they are leaving Egypt. They got to the edge of the Red Sea and Pharaoh’s army was coming after them. And at this point in their journey they panicked and were angry with Moses for getting them to this dead end. And don’t we all feel like that at some point in our life? We think, “God, I’ve been following the path you wanted me to take. I am at a total dead end. I don’t know which way to go and I don’t know why you brought me here.”And so, in chapter three, I talk about how I went through all of those emotions and the grief cycle. I also explain how God opens up a path I probably never would have chosen. And it’s through the Red Sea and into the wilderness called autism. This is where I was able to learn a lot of things on my detoured path.In this chapter you will be able to experience a lot of my journey and relate to it.Chapter 7: My ToolboxThis is a really fun chapter where I tell you a little bit about one of my hobbies, which happens to be using my toolbox and fixing things. I tell you a little bit about a Christmas gift that I got when I was 12 years old and how that plays into some of the things God expects us to do and learn so that He can help us know what actions we’re supposed to take to get us through.So sit back and enjoy these gift chapters from my book, Normal for Me. And remember that Jesus is the reason for the season.Buy the Book or AudiobookIf you like what you hear, you can purchase the Normal for Me book or audiobook on Amazon. Here is a direct link.Shareable Thoughts and Memes

In this episode of Stories of Hope in Hard Times, Tamara K. Anderson interviews Richard Paul Evans. Did you know NY Times Bestselling author Richard Paul Evans was bullied as a child or that he lived in a home infested with rats? Listen as he shares the stories which shaped him to become one of the most loved and heart-stirring authors today.Richard Paul Evans: Lessons from Brokenness, Bullying, and Tourette’sRichard Paul Evans BioWhen Richard Paul Evans (Rick) wrote the #1 global best-seller, The Christmas Box, he never intended on becoming an internationally known author. The story was written as an expression of love for his then two young daughters. Three years later, this quiet, simple story of parental love and the true meaning of Christmas made history when it became simultaneously the #1 hardcover and paperback book in the nation. Since then, more than 8 million copies of The Christmas Box have been printed. Eight of Rick’s books were produced into television movies and have starred such well-known actors as Maureen O’Hara, Rob Lowe, Christopher Lloyd, James Earl Jones, Naomi Watts and Academy award winners Vanessa Redgrave and Ellen Burstyn. He has since written 40 consecutive New York Times bestsellers and is one of the few authors in history to have hit both the fiction and non-fiction bestseller lists. There are currently more than 30 million copies of his books in print.Rick won the American Mothers book award, two first place Storytelling World awards, The Romantic Times Best Women’s Novel of the Year Award, the German Leserpreis Gold Award for Romance, is a five-time recipient of the Religion Communicator’s Council’s Wilbur Award and more than a dozen other awards for his young adult series Michael Vey.During the fall of 1998, Rick founded The Christmas Box International, an organization devoted to maintaining emergency shelters and providing services and resources for abused, neglected or homeless children, teens and young adults. To date, more than 100,000 children have been served by the Christmas Box House facilities and programs.Rick lives in Salt Lake City, Utah, with his wife, Keri. They have been blessed with five children and two grandchildren.A Personal ConnectionRick has become a great friend and mentor to me. I went to his first Premier Author Training almost three years ago. We had a lot of fun and I learned so much. I felt like I was drinking out of a fire hose just with the amount of knowledge he imparted on not only writing but on marketing books.The King of CrepesA little known fact about Rick is he is the crepe-making King. He first learned to make crepes at a friend’s house in Seattle. He then decided everyone should know how to make three things really well. So, Rick know how to make three things: French toast, crepes and fried rice.Writing from the HeartI love the ending of Rick’s latest book, Noel Street, as I think it gives us a picture of his life. He says, “I’ve always thought of God as an artist. One who uses our hopes, fears, dreams, and especially our tears to paint on the canvas of our souls rendering something beautiful. The hardest part I suppose is waiting to see what he’s up to.” So many of Rick’s books dive into people who are broken and waiting to see what God is painting on the canvas of their lives. He seems to write from a personal place of brokenness.Rick gave us a sneak-peek into the next book he is working on which will launch in 2020. He is taking his writings and blogs from the past 25 years and compiling these personal stories of things which have made him who he is. Some of these blogs have been read by millions of people, so they are very compelling.Lessons from Hard Times1. A Broken ChildhoodThe year 1970 was a really bad year for Rick’s family. They lived in Arcadia, California and his father lost his job and was blackballed in the community where he worked in Beverly Hills. As he tried to provide for his wife and eight children, things quickly went from bad to worse. They lost everything. Eventually his dad found a job teaching in Pocatello, Idaho and moved there with half of the family. To get the family back together, they finally moved into his grandmother’s 70-year old home. The home was next to bars, and pawn shops. It was in bad place, but it was empty, except for the rats. It was filled with rats.On a side note, people always ask Rick why they feed people to the rats in Michael Vey, and it goes back to his fear as a child that he would be eaten by rats. He would lay there at night and hear the rats running around after hearing his older brothers explain the rats would eat him if he got out of bed.So, their family situation was a perfect storm. They had no money. His dad, who was in hospital management was now doing construction work and was gone all day. And his mother began exhibiting the first severe signs mental illness. She became highly suicidal and was incredibly depressed. She would basically stay in her room for days at a time.BullyingSo Rick basically had no parents. He was eight or nine years old at the time. It was the same year his Tourette’s Syndrome manifested. The first Saturday in their new home, his mom took the three youngest and dropped them off at a dollar theater. As they walked out of the theatre, they were surrounded by a gang of kids who wanted to see them get beaten up by the local bully who was about a foot taller than them. Finally Rick said he would fight them, but his older brother couldn’t stand for his little brother to be defending them and he walked over, pushed Rick aside and his brother actually beat the kid up. Rick just remembers him kicking the bully in the face on the ground, and the bully screaming for mercy. Of course everyone was laughing because everyone loves to see a bully get their due. Then the crowd dispersed. His mom then pulled up in the station wagon and they just got in and didn’t say a word about the fight.In the midst of all this upheaval there was also a tremendous amount of bullying going on at school. One day Rick was so tired of being bullied he just stayed home. His mother never knew because she never came out of her bedroom. To make it worse he had this soul-crushing teacher named Mrs. Covey, whom the kids called Covey the Ogre. To give you an example of what she was like, a week before Christmas, she asked all the children in her classroom, “How many of you believe in Santa Claus?” Most of the kids raised their hand. Then Mrs. Covey said, “Don’t be stupid. There is no Santa Claus. Your parents lied to you.”Mrs. Covey, the OgreSo, their teacher just dashed their beliefs. That day Rick went home and ventured into his mom’s darkened bedroom. He said, “Mom, Mrs. Covey said there is no Santa Claus.” Rick’s mom responded, “Rick, Santa Claus is the spirit of giving.” He countered with, “But he has a reindeer and sleigh, right? And he comes down the chimney, right?” She just looked at him and sadly admitted, “No, there is no Santa Claus.” Rick’s little nine-year-old heart was broken. He kept thinking–wait a second, faith, goodness, and good people are supposed to prevail, not the nasty ones. So he looked at his mom for a moment and said, “Well, did you lie about Jesus too?”A few months later Rick was walking home from school and got beaten up by some boys who took his only treasure–his Mickey Mouse watch. It was the only thing he owned and treasured.“Ricky Evans, The Great”The next day Rick was sitting in class working on his homework and he wrote down “Ricky Evans” on the top of it. And then something possessed him to write “the great” next to his name. Now, he was not arrogant. He had no reason to believe he was anything. At this point in his life, he had no parents involved. He had no friends. No one who would defend him from the bullies. He was nothing. But for a few seconds, it felt good to write “Ricky Evans, the Great,” and turn the paper in. The next day he got the paper back and Mrs. Covey had erased “the great” and wrote three of her own “shame on you.” She then got up and gave a lecture on pride and sin.Rick hasn’t seen Mrs. Covey since he left fourth grade. He is sure she is long dead because back then it felt like she 200 years old. But he would like to see her and look in her eyes and say, “That little boy went on to reach tens of millions of people with his words. His movies were some of the biggest in the world on television. And he started a shelter that helped house more than a hundred thousand abused children. He was invited to the White House and he danced in the Green Room. But that Ricky Evans was greater than Richard Paul Evans. Ricky had nothing and yet he got up every day and got himself ready. He had gruell for breakfast and walked to school every single day. And he just did his best amidst all the abuse and the violence and just tried to be a good kid. Rickey Evans was great. And you, woman, are just mean.”Lesson: Don’t Let People Erase Your GreatnessThe lesson Rick learned from all of this is we all have people our life who are walking around with these erasers like Mrs. Covey. They try to erase the greatness from our lives. And the biggest lesson Rick has learned is, “Don’t listen to them. Don’t give them that power. Don’t wait around for people to validate who you are because you’ll be waiting a long time.” Rick continues to plead that we “tell kids that they’re great.” To clarify, he isn’t talking about hubris or pride. He just wants us to “acknowledge their intrinsic value and worth. That’s what they need.” Tell them, “You are great and beautiful in your soul–in spite of your bad choices, decisions, and your circumstance. Greatness resides within you and you don’t get it out by erasing it.”2. Tourette’s SyndromeRick wasn’t officially diagnosed with Tourette’s until he was 40 years old. His diagnosis came because his son Michael has Tourette’s. People used to ask him when he was younger if he had Tourette’s and he always wondered why because he wasn’t swearing. He did have the impulse to swear, but he didn’t. What he didn’t understand was only 10% of people with Tourette’s have coprolalia (or swear all the time).When Rick’s son Michael was two-years-old he began swearing. He and his wife wondered, “Where did you even hear these words?” They realized something was going on with him. So, Rick wrote the Michael Vey series just for his son. Rick confesses, “I wanted to make Tourette’s more mainstream because it’s always just a joke.” People swear and then they laugh and say, “It’s my Tourette’s syndrome.” Rick continues, “Well, some of us actually do have Tourette’s” and tic or twitch.The Anonymous LetterOne day Rick spoke at a church about grace and God’s love for us. Afterwards he got this anonymous letter from a woman who wrote, “You have no place in the house of God. You have no place speaking. You’re obviously a sinful man. I can see through it because I saw you were ticking, blinking, and twitching.”Shining Light on Disabilities–The Viral BlogIn response to her anonymous letter, Rick wrote a blog, “To the woman at church who wrote me an anonymous letter.” In that letter he explained yes, he is a sinner, just like she was because, “We’re all broken.” He then went on to explain, “That’s not why I was twitching. I was twitching because I have Tourette’s syndrome.” Rick wrote this blog and posted it on Facebook. He got up the next day and had 80,000 shares and went viral. People wanted to help find that woman. Rick actually hoped she would see it.In his letter, Rick wrote, “In all honesty, I must admit that I was angered by your letter. But not for me–I am far beyond your reach. I am angry for those children who are still trying to figure out who they are: children who are teased and ridiculed and bullied by cruel, self-righteous people like you. I am angered for those sweet, innocent children, who would rather die than show their tics, because you are so eager to let them know how unlovable and imperfect they are. And some of them do take their precious lives. Yes, this makes me very angry. The other day, at a book signing, a young woman I had never met before, put her arms around me and told me that she loved me. I asked her why. She told me that she had Tourettes and the kids at school made fun of her. But now many of her schoolmates are reading my books and, knowing that I have Tourettes, are now treating her better. I told her that she is not her Tourettes. I told her that I loved her too.”Lesson: The Greatest Disability is the Inability to LoveRick concluded his letter by saying, “Dear anonymous, I hope you read this letter. I hope it opens your eyes. Or, better yet, your heart. But whether you change or not, remember this: we, the “abnormal” are not the ones to be pitied. The greatest disability is the inability to love those who are different than you. May God Bless you with His unfathomable and unconditional love.”3. Look for The Hand of GodRick likes to remember the words of Kierkegaard when looking back on his life. He said, “We can understand our life looking backwards, but we must live it forwards.” Rick says he clearly sees the hand of God when he thinks back on everything that has happened to him.With his first book, he took the story to a local publisher but it was rejected. He recalls being so disappointed and discouraged. But now he realizes that rejection was God looking down and saying, “No, I have big things in store.”Always Trust GodBeyond the path that his career took, Rick has felt a personal relationship with God throughout his life. He says that when he was going through hard time he always trusted God. He knew God would not drop Him. There have been times he wondered why he has been hurt, but now he understands. Those things he went through made him who he is and have given him empathy and heart. Because of this empathy people read his work and feel understood.The Power of Writing and HealingAfter Rick was diagnosed with Tourette’s, his diagnosing doctor (who wasn’t actually taking clients), told Rick he wanted to return the favor to him and took him on. Rick wondered what favor he was referring to, as they had never met.The doctor then told Rick he and his wife had lost their only child. His wife had become very depressed and the doctor worried she might take her life. Neither he nor psychologists could help her.Then this woman read one of Rick’s books and it gave her hope. The doctor saw her smile again–for the first time in years. This woman knew Rick was another person who had truly suffered, so she felt she could trust him since his books are written from the heart. She began to heal after reading one of his books.Lesson: There is a PurposeGod can see the purpose of things we don’t understand in our lives. Keep trusting Him and someday, you will understand and it will all make sense.4. How I Saved My MarriageRick also writes many of his blog posts from the heart. One particular blog he remembers is his post, “How I Saved My Marriage.” This post went viral very quickly, but his wife Keri didn’t appreciate Rick had written about their struggles.Rick and Keri went to dinner a few nights later night, with Keri still upset. They met a couple while out at dinner who thanked them for saving their marriage. They had been on the verge of divorce but read Rick’s post and decided to save their marriage. Rick started hearing from marriage counselors who said they were using his post as a resource for their clients, as well as friends saying it saved their children’s marriages.Writing the TruthOne day Keri told Rick she felt he shares too much. Finally, Rick apologized, but asked if he anything he had written wasn’t true. Keri acknowledged everything he wrote was true.Lesson: Share TruthRick has always felt it is important to share truth with the world. He says he doesn’t know any other way to write. He then told Keri if he had to choose between her and the talent God had given him to write and share the truth, he would choose God. Keri agreed, and he has to continued to write the truth. This became a very defining moment for him.5. Tips for Hard TimesRick knows we don’t always feel hope during the Christmas season. But he explains if you are in a bad place there are a few tips you should remember:a. Remember life is cyclical. As soon as we get up, life knocks us down again. And if we are down, life will pick back up again.b. Hope comes from faith in God. Keep that faith–even when things are hard.c. Find the stars. While the reality is we will all suffer, Rick says his hope that there is something better is what keeps him going. “The really dark nights is where we see the stars.”d. Show kindness to strangers.e. Choose to love. We can make the choice to love.f. Be worthy of your sufferings. Rick remembers the quote from Viktor Frankl about choosing to be worthy of our sufferings. It took awhile for Rick to understand what that meant. We can’t take away suffering, but we can learn from it and keep going through it. It will refine us and make us better.Poignant Bible StoryFor Rick one of the most poignant part of all scripture is when Jesus Christ was nailed to the cross. While there he looking up to heaven and asked, why have you deserted me? (Matthew 27:46). In those greatest moments, we ask why, just like Christ? Christ knew he was alone. Rick believes there are times God leaves us and says, “No, I’m going to let you have this. I’m going to let you walk alone. I’m going to let you have the greatness and understand what it is to be great.”In the Screwtape letters CS Lewis share some wisdom when the Demons are talking. They say something like, “Nowhere is our cause of evil more threatened than when a man, nailed to a cross looks up into a universe devoid of God, say, why have you deserted me? And still he marches on. And still he holds fast to truth. That shakes the very core of all evil.”Lesson: You are Not Deserted or AloneThere are a few moment of life where we have nothing, where we don’t see a reason to go on. But we should remember to keep going–that we will not fail. “We are not deserted. We are not alone even when it feels like it.”6. Determination, Prayer, and MiraclesRick remembers one of the hardest times of his life when it felt like he was crawling on glass. His daughter Jenna even asked him, “Where is God? Why has he left you alone? Dad, you are carrying this by yourself.”Rick was pleading with God and trying to keep his son alive. He told God, “I am doing everything. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. Keri has finally broken down. It’s just me. I don’t know how long I can carry the entire family and all of this. We need help.” After telling God he had done everything he knelt down and told God, “It’s in your hands. He’s your son too. I have given everything.”After this heartfelt prayer, Rick went to the hospital and had an incredible experience with his son. An incredible miracle happened. Everything switched and it was such a powerful and faith promoting thing.The great ending this story is that now Rick and his son are buddies. He is so proud of him, what he’s accomplished, and what he’s overcome. Michael has told him, “One of my sisters is a pediatric nurse, another does makeup for movies, another is an international bestselling author. The other is a scientist. And then there’s me.” When Michael told him this, Rick looked at him and said, “And you have accomplished more than all of them. You have climbed a higher mountain than all of them.”God’s Message–Keep Going, Don’t QuitAnother example of this was when the board voted to close the Christmas Box House due to lack of funding. Rick left the meeting for a moment to pray and ask God if he could please quit. And he received a distinct impression, “If you fail, no one will succeed.” So Rick returned to the meeting and said no, they weren’t going to quit. He told everyone he would accept their resignations but he would not be quitting. Everyone stayed.Now, the Christmas Box House has helped more than one hundred thousand children. Rick is extremely grateful God did not let him quit.Lesson: Get on Your KneesHe says his best advice for finding hope when discouraged is getting on your knees. We may feel at times God has left us all alone. There are times when we say, “I’m done,” but God says, “No, you’re not.”The greatest times in Rick’s life were not when we was getting an award. They were private victories. They were times when he was on his knees and chose not to quit and kept going with God’s help.Contact InfoRick’s website is RichardPaulEvans.com and you can also find his page on Facebook. You can find his most recent book, Noel Street, on Amazon or at Barnes and Noble.

In this episode of Stories of Hope in Hard Times, Tamara K. Anderson interviews Brad J. Neufeld. Tamara and Brad discuss the holiday season, and how we can overcoming the sadness and holiday blues which sometime accompany this time of year.14 Tips to Face the Holiday Blues with CheerBrad J. Neufeld (who was previously interviewed on Stories of Hope about his personal story) is back to discuss how we can overcome depression that often accompanies this time of year and find joy and happiness. Brad’s Experience With Holiday SadnessBrad says that there are many people who experience loneliness during the Christmas holiday season. Brad himself knows firsthand what it’s like to be alone for the holidays. He has been supporting himself since he was 13 years old. Though he saw his family temporarily in 1980, six months later his parents moved from Utah to California. He was 16 years old at the time, living in Utah by himself. Brad had agreed with his parents to talk on the phone regularly but it was still a very lonely time.“When you are used to everyone being around, opening presents together, and experiencing the happiness of the holidays, watching the parades and the football by yourself just isn’t the same,” he says. Though he made it through the first year, the following year was even more difficult. The hardest was the year he was 18 but still alone for the holidays.Brad jokes that he almost considered himself a Grinch, but that changed slowly when he met his wife. Brad says his wife loves all holidays and celebrates each one, but that Christmas is a big one. She has always insisted on having a fresh tree each year. and that’s something they have done for 33 years now.What Christmas is Really AboutBrad recalls that the most impactful holiday season for him was about 15 years ago. That year had been a financially challenging one for Brad and his family, and they weren’t going to be able to get their children anything for Christmas. Brad felt himself shift back into the mentality that Christmas was no good for him and he truly did not want his kids to experience what he had felt growing up. But the members of Brad’s community sensed that Brad’s family needed some help that year. On Christmas morning, their family woke up to bags of gifts from “anonymous.” Brad says that instance truly touched his heart and humbled him. He realized that is what Christmas is about, thinking of others.Brad says he knows that depression rates and other emotions run high during this time of year. He also experienced the feeling of wanting others to stay away, and even had suicidal thoughts at times. He says it’s often we talk about just surviving Christmas, rather than enjoying it.Holiday Blues Tips Learned the Hard WayTip #1–Focus on the PositiveFor Brad, it’s important to focus on the happy emotions that come out of the holidays, rather than just the commercial aspects, even though that can be hard to do sometimes. His experience with loving neighbors reminded him that even though it can feel like no one cares, “God is always is always looking over us. Neighbors do care. People care.”Brad explains he used to look for and find the negative about the holidays, but ever since this loving experience with his neighbors, he had a shift in his thinking. Quoting Dr. Wayne Dyer’ book title, “You’ll See It When You Believe It.” Brad says when he started to believe Christmas had positive elements he started to see and enjoy them.Tip #2–Give and Celebrate Without ExpectationBrad explains there are many ways you can include those who may struggle during the holidays. He looks at things from the giver’s and the taker’s perspective. From a giver’s perspective, Brad says it’s important to remember that there is no right or wrong way to celebrate Christmas.While everyone may put up their lights and Santa statues right after Thanksgiving, you don’t have to. Brad personally hates putting up the Christmas lights and would prefer to leave them up all year. So instead of judging the neighbor that doesn’t have their lights up, remember you don’t know the full story. They may just celebrate differently than you.Tip #3–Find the CommonalityLooking for the commonality can help to bridge the gap and help others feel more welcome and comfortable–no matter how they celebrate the holiday season. The biggest commonality is giving. Brad says you could also just ask if there’s anything you could help with for the holidays. They may not want your help, but it never hurts to ask.Tip #4–Receive GratefullyBrad also says from the taker’s perspective that you have to remember that people may not give what you expect. Maybe they are giving all that they can. He says to look at it as the act of giving rather than the actual thing given. The taker’s responsibility is to accept what is given with a thank you, even if it’s just a smile or a, “Merry Christmas!”Also, don’t compare what gift you are giving (and how much it costs) with the gift you receive from that person.Tip #5 –Ask: What Are Your Expectations?For those wanting to help others:Brad says that depressed individuals may have expectations that they don’t express. He says that a great thing is to ask what those who are depressed are expecting for the holidays. (Don’t wait to ask until two days before Christmas either.) It is best to have a strategy in place well in advance, before the expectations and the emotions set in.First, ask them what you can do to help the holiday season be the best it can be. If they don’t know, ask them to think about it and then follow up with them. Be sure to follow up! Then do all you can to help them set up for a successful holiday season.For those who struggle:Brad explains for those who are depressed, “You can’t keep dropping big hints and hoping someone gets it.” You need to express your hopes and expectations clearly. Write down those things that would help make the holidays the best for you and share your ideas with those you are closest to.He says you’ve got to take action in order to overcome. A big first step forward is recognizing which of your needs aren’t being met and figuring out a way to have those needs met. Brad says you’ll be surprised by how many people will want to help. You may think you know what others will say, but you don’t. Brad says that’s the biggest thing he learned was that 90 percent of people are good and want to help. When he started telling people what it was that he needed, he was met with an outpouring of love and support.Tip #6–Don’t Be AloneWhat about someone who says they would rather just be left alone? Brad says that you have to choose to ignore that request. A request to be alone is actually saying, “I want you, I want attention without having to ask for it.”Brad views depression as not only a chemical imbalance, but an addiction to attention. Maybe someone is depressed thinking that a phone call from someone would help them feel better. And maybe they do get to talk to that person. But the next day they don’t get that phone call and they are down. The person giving the attention doesn’t know that’s the expectation though. So it would be helpful to find out what that person’s needs are and encourage them to be open with you so that you can better help them.Tip #7–The Need for ChangeOften with depression or holiday blues, people wanting to help you give all sorts of advice like, “Hey, if you’d just get up in the morning and go to the gym or you’d go for a brisk walk in the morning, you’ll feel better.” That often feels like daggers hitting when you struggle with depression and it is hard it is to even think.But here is something Brad has also learned, “Unless you start taking small actions, nothing’s ever gonna change.” Brad continues to explain, “I do know that one of the biggest things to change your status and where you’re at is to take different actions and what you’ve been doing up to that point. If you look at it as what I’ve been doing up to this point has led me to here.” Then you need to, “Do something different. You need to try new things. Go to that family party.” Brad goes on to specifically explain that if you need protections at the family party, maybe you just go and sit out in the car. Even a small change like that can work.Maybe you don’t feel like being around a big crowd, at least go sit out on the porch. Have a close friend or family member explain, “Jim’s here. It took him a lot to get here, so, please let him be. He’s here.”That’s what it took for Brad to heal, taking baby steps. People don’t have to do more than they can. Brad cautions that sometimes if you do something different you worry about fear of failure or that you will feel even worse afterwards. Here is where Brad gives the secret, “Go into it with an attitude of, Hey, I want to go learn something today. I’ll go to the party. Don’t, don’t beat yourself up and say, I didn’t stay the whole family party. No. Look at the positive. I got up out of my bed, I went, I stayed there for half an hour, and I learned this. If you just get in the habit of that, it’s amazing how quickly you can, you can start healing.” Celebrate the change and success of making a change and learning from it.Tip # 8–Make PlansBrad goes on to explain that when you make changes, it is important to have back up plans in place. If you get overwhelmed easily, plan to go sit in the car or in a quiet corner of the house if you start feeling anxious. Maybe you need a distraction like an iPad, a book, or a deck of cards. These are things you can control. So, put these plans into place.Brad gave a personal example of this. He explained that at first it was difficult for him at his wife’s family parties. He felt like the party was more for the family, not the in-laws. So, Brad talked to his wife and made a plan. He asked her to some sit by him while they were eating, and that helped make the even more enjoyable for him.Tip #9–Prepare for New SituationsNew situations can be extremely difficult to navigate. Brad says the best way to approach new situations is to prepare ahead of time. This goes hand in hand with making plans and preparing for possible situations. He says it’s best to ask yourself what or who might bring you stress in the upcoming weeks.If you know what things may bring you stress, you can have a pre-planned response for questions that may arise. Maybe you are like Brad and don’t like to put lights up. If it will stress you to be asked about it, have a response prepared that will stop that conversation. Brad says a response like, “We are just trying to simplify this year and spend less time and money,” may work well. Again, finding the commonality can help to bridge the gap.Tip #10–Prepare for Empty NestingAnother new situation that many face each holiday season is becoming an empty nester. Brad says many people feel like raising their children brought their life value, and when their children are gone that they no longer have any value. He says although being an empty nester is difficult for many, it’s an important part of development.Brad recalls that when four of his six children moved out of their family home within the year, it was a traumatic experience for his wife. He and his wife had to prepare differently for the holidays by keeping communication lines open with children and other family members. Figure out different plans so you can still see each other. Brad’s family now gets together and goes out to eat. He loves watching his kids talk and laugh about stories from when they were growing up. He jokes that while the restaurant is expensive, it’s either that or therapy. And he chooses the restaurant.Another idea for empty nesters is to sit down and ask what you are going to do with the extra time you have. Feel the joy of knowing that you did a great job with your kids, then find somewhere else to lend your time that will bring that sense of purpose back into your life. Finally, Brad says staying flexible and getting together when you can is the best approach.Tip #11–Remembering Loved Ones Who Have Passed AwayOne new situation you might face during the holidays is after a loved one has passed away. Brad says he coaches people through this situation often, and even experienced similar emotions himself when his father in law was extremely ill one holiday season.Brad says that something he finds that really helps those he coaches is to prepare a list of things that you love and remember about the person. You can even focus on one attribute or positive thing that person did each day of the holiday season, much like a countdown to Christmas. He says that people who have done this say that it truly helps them feel like their loved one is with them again, even if they aren’t physically there. For Brad, it all comes back to focusing on the positive.Tip #12–Ideas When Your Family Doesn’t Get AlongIf your family doesn’t get along, Brad says don’t force it. He encourages mom, dad or a sibling to plant the seed of mending that gap, but know that good things come with time. This time of year is good for healing those relationships, just like you see in the movies. Brad also says it is good to revisit the relationship every three to six months and just ask how the other is doing.Pray for those you want to help or heal a relationship with, and remember that the best gift is time, love, and connection.Tip #13–Respect Others BeliefsBrad also wanted to remind us that it is important not to attack or criticize others beliefs or ways of celebrating (or not celebrating) during the holidays. He cautions, “Be careful about that because when you attack somebody else’s beliefs. That automatically causes contention and most of the time they’ll hold onto that. Some people have the skills to let things like that go, but most people don’t. And if you’re after to have a peaceful and fun loving, holiday season, don’t attack them for their beliefs. Just, accept it and then move on.Also, if you have somebody that tends to be a little contentious, praying for them is a good thing.Tip #14–PrayPrayer can always help in any situation. Sometimes you can pray to figure out how to get through your personal situation. Other times you can, “Just pray for who you can help,” Brad explains. He continues by encouraging us to ask who in our neighborhood or family unit needs help holiday season. God knows. Then Brad encourages to follow the promptings received.ConclusionRemember that Jesus Christ is the reason for the season. And, and in your busyness, don’t forget the whole reason. And if you, if you feel you need to simplify, think about it, pray about it, and figure out what is right for you. If you’re struggling with a specific situation, involve God in that and involve your family members. It is so important to communicate and listen. Don’t let the busyness of the holiday season deprive you of relationships with the people you care the most about.Although Brad now looks forward to and enjoys the holidays, he also has a different kind of answer for those who ask if he is “ready for Christmas?” Brad says, “There is no ready. You just do it and enjoy what you can from it.”Contact BradBrad admonishes, “If you’re suffering from depression, please seek professional help.” Try medications prescribed by doctors.Brad doesn’t want anyone to go through the holidays without asking for help. If you or a loved one needs help this holiday season, Brad’s phone number is (435) 830-6945, or you can email him at [email protected].

In this episode of Stories of Hope in Hard Times, Tamara K. Anderson interviews Hannah Coles. Hannah shares how she overcame her own internal struggles after her daughter was diagnosed with dyslexia.Learning A New Identity After A Dyslexia DiagnosisHannah’s BioHannah Coles is a mom to 4 amazing children and has been married for over 18 years. She has been homeschooling her kids for over 12 years and absolutely loves it. She’s a voracious reader with an ongoing goal of reading 100 books each year. Hannah loves learning and teaching, and considers herself a teacher at heart, whether that’s at home, at church, with music, and in her career as a life coach. She loves being able to uplift others and help with their suffering.Hannah’s Story100 Book GoalHannah says this fun and exciting goal of reading 100 books a year wasn’t hers. She heard an author being interviewed, and the author mentioned that he read 100 books per year to help him get ideas as a writer. Hannah thought that sounded fun, so for the past 8 years she has made that goal. Sometimes in December she has to do a lot of reading to catch up and make her goal. Hannah says reading has been a great blessing in her life. She reads fiction and nonfiction alike, but she does stay away from dark and scary books. She says picking a favorite book is hard, but if she had to pick one it would be Wonder. Wonder a middle grade book that she says touched her heart and made her cry several times. She also loves the movie, but says that of course, the book is always better.Dyslexic DaughterHannah’s third child has dyslexia. Hannah says that when her oldest daughter was born, she got lots of one-on-one attention since she was the only child. She read very early, and everything was great. Her second child, a son, was reading early as well, finishing Harry Potter by the time he was six. Hannah says she was giving herself a pat on the back, thinking she was a great mother and teacher and homeschooler. Then when her third daughter was started getting close to being school age, Hannah had a little bit of a panic. She realized they were behind on reading. Every year Hannah would notice that she wasn’t improving in her reading. At eight years old she was still struggling to read at a first grade level. Hannah just kept thinking something couldn’t be right and felt like an unsuccessful mother and homeschooler.The ChallengesHannah would be helping her daughter read a paragraph, and the same word would come up multiple times in the paragraph. Every time, her daughter would have to stop and really struggle to get the word. Hannah says it was a painstaking process to read. So she went to the school to see if they could help. They told her they couldn’t, and that she’d need to go to a doctor. Well, her doctor told her that she needed to get help from the school. For years Hannah went back and forth between school and doctor. Eventually Hannah and her family moved. Through divine design within the first week of living in their new home they met a family who had a child with dyslexia. The mother told Hannah she needed to go see an ophthalmologist to get her daughter tested.Hannah’s daughter was tested and diagnosed with several forms of dyslexia, and the knowledge and awareness that Hannah and her daughter both had helped them start to navigate through the journey.Different Types of DyslexiaHannah says that there are a variety of forms of dyslexia and they stem off of a handful of major forms; surface, phonological, visual, primary, and mathematical. Hannah found out that there was dyslexia on both sides of her family that could have contributed to her daughter’s diagnosis.Hannah’s daughter wasn’t even able to follow the lines on a page and she would constantly lose her place. The doctor walked through how Hannah’s daughter was reading and it made much more sense. Hannah found the entire process fascinating. Her ophthalmologist told her that there was also a vision problem that was creating difficulty for her daughter. They continued with testing, got special glasses, and continued doing therapy at the doctor’s and at home. This helped strengthen and align her eyes. She didn’t have vision problems except for when she was reading, because she needed the very narrow focus.Hannah’s Daughter TodayHannah’s daughter is doing a lot better now but she still struggles a little. She has an IEP, and Hannah’s mom does homeschooling through a charter school so they have plenty of resources. The diagnosis helped Hannah’s mom get her the teaching she needed. Her daughter also was able to get weight off her shoulders and understand that nothing was wrong with her, and communicate what she needed from her education. It increased her confidence, her understanding, and her ability to read. Hannah’s daughter was diagnosed when she was 8, and she’s now ten. And she’s doing absolutely amazing.Hannah’s Feelings As A MotherHannah felt like a great mom with her older two kids, which she says was completely prideful of her. She made their success about her, and was attaching their results with who she was. So when her daughter with dyslexia came along and wasn’t having good results, it hit Hannah’s identity. She started questioning if she was a good enough teacher and mother, wondering what she should be doing differently. Hannah says she made it about her again, and that was difficult. She needed to separate her journey from her daughter’s journey.Hannah says it’s easy to put your identity in your kids, but that creates problems. Kids have their own agency, we can be the best teacher in the world and they can still choose not to learn. They can still choose not to enjoy or to listen. Hannah says understanding how to separate her journey from her children was crucial for her. She says she had to redefine what made her a successful mother. Before, success was based on what her kids would produce and their results. She had to learn that being a successful mother meant loving her children wholeheartedly, providing for them and protecting them. Hannah says she now knows she’s a good mother because she lets her children have agency while constantly loving, and guiding them.Lessons Hannah Learned From Dyslexia1. Reframe thoughts and expectationsShe learned that benchmarks aren’t what success looks like. She had to reframe and recognize that everyone learns at different times and paces.2. Stop “catastrophizing”Hannah was instantly worried her daughter would never get a job, and worried what people would think of her. She worried about judgment. She had to stop creating an imagined catastrophe and focus on what she could do to help her daughter.3. Everything is going to be OKHannah learned she didn’t have to answer every fear, but she could just tell herself that everything was going to be OK in the end. Journeys are different, and that’s all OK.4. So what!?Hannah had to ask herself if all the scary things she was imagining actually happened, so what? Then she would carefully answer the question and found the outcome didn’t really matter because she loved her daughter no matter what.5. Take things one at a timeHannah had to learn to “pick a number” instead of worrying about everything all at once. She would pick one thing to worry about or address, and just focus on that.6. Take care of yourselfHannah was worried about her children so she wasn’t taking care of herself the way she needed to. She was projecting her fears and anxiety onto her daughter, and it showed up in her needing to have her daughter meet a certain pace or expectation. When Hannah took care of her fears and anxiety, she kept those feelings away from her daughter, and felt much better. Hannah uses the analogy of pouring from an empty bucket. She had to giver to herself first so she had enough to give to her children. Filling her bucket too thought work and lots of effort and time.7. Everyone has hard daysHannah says it was important to recognize that her husband and other people in her life also had hard days. She had to get to a place to notice and appreciate what other people were going through as well.8. Validate and appreciateValidating and appreciating ourselves and others is key, Hannah says. We want other people to thank us and high five us, and we can do that for ourselves. Most of the time other people can’t give you all the things you need. You have to be able to give that to yourself.Spiritual GrowthPrayerHannah journaled to help get over the thoughts and fears she was going through. She also prayed, a lot. She says a quote from Gordon B. Hinckley helped her. An interviewer once asked him how many times a day he prayed. He said he just prayed once, because the entire day was a long conversation with God. Hannah loved this idea, and recognized that’s what she was doing all day too. It was a constant conversation asking for guidance and help.Personal RevelationHannah got a lot of personal revelation that helped her feel love, and get answers. She always felt comforted that everything was going to be OK. She felt that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and that she wasn’t trapped in a cave.God’s Time FrameShe also learned that God’s time frame is different than her timeframe. She says God has an abundance of time and she had to put herself in that mindset instead of her finite perspective.Love Is The AnswerHannah is a firm believer that love is always the answer. We show up as our best selves when we’re stemming from love. Because fear and lack and scarcity, they’re not encompassed in love. Love is all certainty, hope,  assurance and encouragement. Hannah says when she showed up with love instead of lack, it made all the difference. It helped her to stay present and not be distracted. When she was motivated by love, it was all about her daughter and what she needed from her mother. She could let go of the worldly expectations of what things should look like and to really just embody the abundance that, that God offers. Love is always the answer.Advice For OthersThe biggest piece of advice Hannah has is to get children tested if you’re concerned. Hannah says testing and learning everything you can can help you unlock what your children are seeing and be able to help them find success. She also says that when you learn more about something, you remove a lot of the fear out of it.Hannah teaches The Three C’s which are curiosity, compassion, and charity. These are helpful when dealing with struggles and working to understand someone else. The more you sit with curiosity and allow yourself the space to be curious, it leads to compassion. Hannah had that curiosity to get tested and learn about her daughter’s reading. When she understood what her daughter was going through, it instantly lead her to compassion. She could put herself in her daughter’s shoes a little bit and feel how she felt. Compassion always leads to charity, which is love. For Hannah, charity is the pure love of Christ. That love is showing up for other people as your best. So curiosity leads to compassion, which always leads to charity.Career As A Life CoachHannah didn’t really know what a life coach was, and wasn’t looking for it when she stumbled on it. She was struggling with inadequacy and feeling like she wasn’t good enough with her identity shift. She felt like her life looked great from the outside, but the inside was a mess. One of her good friends told her about the podcasts she was listening to (Hannah didn’t even know what a podcast was at the time!) and encouraged Hannah to download the app and listen to it. So she did it to appease her friend, and she found a podcast that resonated with her.One of the top podcasts that came up was the Life Coach School with Brooke Castillo. So she started listening to her and one of the first things Brooke said is that she’s a life coach. Hannah was confused, and admits it sounded hokey. By the end of Brooke’s episode, Hannah was sold. She learned that the things in her life that she was struggling with were optional, that she could transform the hand she was dealt. Hannah says that transformed her life. When people know that they don’t have to suffer and they can choose how they feel about their circumstances, it can transform their lives too. She is very passionate about helping people find that peace and understanding in their lives.There Is Always HopeWe can’t choose our circumstances in life, Hannah didn’t get to choose that her daughter had dyslexia. But Hannah can choose how she interprets that. She can make it a problem, or understand that it’s part of life and it doesn’t have to be a problem.Hannah has several Bible verses that have helped her on her journey. One is 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” This verse has been an anchor for Hannah because anytime she is feeling afraid, she realizes that feeling isn’t from God. God gives us power to overcome our struggles, He gives us love so we can be filled with that warmth and peace. We don’t have to struggle or create more of a struggle than there needs to be. We can feel love and peace.Hannah’s Resource RecommendationsHannah says that everything we do is practicing, including the thoughts we choose to think. Hannah uses the Ponderize App to have her scriptural reminder pop up on her phone several times a day. If her thoughts are wandering down a different path, her reminder comes to help her refocus.Mindset by Dr. Carol S. Dweck is a great book to read. It focuses on a growth mindset vs. a fixed mindset. The book goes into depth about these concepts and how a growth mindset helps you overcome challenges. It helped Hannah figure out her journey with her daughter.Hannah also loves what Audrey Hepburn says: “Nothing is impossible. The word itself says I’m possible.”You can reach Hannah at www.thecatalystcoaching.com or on social media.Facebook: Hannah ColesInstagram: The Catalyst Coach

In this episode of Stories of Hope in Hard Times, Tamara K. Anderson interviews Alan Smith. Alan shares how he was able to take health struggles and the death of a child, and find happiness even after extreme pain.How Alan Found Perspective and Peace After His Son’s Death.Alan’s BioAlan was born and raised in Utah. He is something of a Renaissance man with his love to read, write, paint, sing, and ballroom dance. He’s a realtor by profession, and has been married for 25 years to Susan who rolls her eyes at his dad jokes, but he’s sure she’s laughing on the inside. As a writer, Alan goes by the name A.D. Sherman.Alan’s Writing CareerAlan goes by A.D. Sherman because he says he’s still a little shy about his writing, and the name Alan Smith isn’t that exciting. Alan decided to write under a pseudonym. A high school nickname inspired the last name of Sherman, the A is from his name Alan, and the D stands for death, dismemberment, dragons, Dracula and all of those fun, creepy things.Alan is currently working on a book. It is called the Undertaker’s Apprentice and it’s about a 16 year old boy who on his first awkward day as an undertaker’s apprentice, accidentally becomes a sorcerer.Alan’s Childhood and PastAlan is the oldest of four kids, but was very small for his age and got bullied in the neighborhood. He had one close friend but didn’t have lots of other friends. Alan’s mom also had some complications with pregnancy and postpartum, which left Alan to do a lot of the work around the house like laundry and cooking. Alan didn’t really have a traditional childhood because he was busy taking care of things for his siblings. He tried to have a sense of humor and fun, but overall his childhood was busy and full of work.A Stroke At Age 18At the age of 18, Alan had something shocking happen to him. He had a significant stroke, which is highly unusual in someone so young. He didn’t expect it at all. Alan and his family didn’t realize what had happened right away. He was working in a book warehouse, and suddenly began feeling really sick. He felt dizzy and nauseous and he couldn’t stand or see. Alan worked at the warehouse with his mom, and she was busy working. So, Alan went up to the bathroom and spent a half hour throwing up and feeling miserable. He finally dragged himself to the break room couch where slept the rest of the day. Within a couple of days he felt enough better that he could go back to work, and he thought nothing else of it.A little while later Alan went in for a physical. They tested his peripheral vision by holding up fingers, and on one side Alan couldn’t see any fingers at all. This lead to a lot of tests, a misdiagnosis of a heart valve issue, and more tests.The Cause of the StrokesFourteen years later, Alan was having stroke symptoms. He decided to go in and see a doctor who told him he had an opening between the chambers of his heart. This opening allows blood clots to happen, so he was having little strokes. The doctor went in with a catheter to close the opening, which is a relatively successful surgery. It didn’t work for Alan though. He had another surgery 10 months later which fixed the problem.Alan says that spending so much of his life wondering why he felt tired and sick made him depressed and was extremely hard to deal with. But 14 years later when he finally understood that he’d been having strokes, it made a huge difference in his ability to start moving forward with his life.Stroke SymptomsAlan says that when he was young MRI’s were relatively new and unreliable. So it was hard for him to get correctly diagnosed. He says that you can watch to find stroke symptoms like drooping in a face, tingling in a face or fingertips, and other things that can help indicate a stroke.A Shocking Infant DeathAlan met his wife after his first stroke at 18, and has been married for 25 years. But marriage and parenthood didn’t start out smoothly for Alan and his wife Susan. On May 6th, 1996, Alan’s first son Bryse was born. But just a few months later on August 14th, Bryse died. He was at his daycare center, and passed away from SIDS. Alan says that being at work and having the police show up to tell him about his son was absolutely awful.Alan says he and Susan grieved their son’s death very differently. He felt it was his job was to be the protector and to take care of his family. He grieved by trying to control things, trying to make sure everything was done right. Alan felt he had screwed up and hadn’t done his job. Susan felt an emptiness and guilt that she had been at work.Alan says that they dealt with lots of “what-if” situations. What if they had gone to pick up their son early? What if they hadn’t taken him to daycare that day? There are a hundred things they thought about and wondered if they should have done differently.They also thought about all the things they wouldn’t get to see. They wouldn’t see their son go to school or get married. Alan said they had to start to recreate the way their life would look now that their son was gone.Support GroupAlan says they had to spend time grieving the life they wouldn’t have. Alan says to cope they threw themselves into helping others. A woman named Jolene came to their house the first day after their son had passed. The police officers had given Alan a hotline number to call, and Jolene showed up out of the blue. She was a peer counselor, someone who had been through this same thing. Jolene held their hands and helped them walk through their grief. She suggested things that they maybe wouldn’t think of to do before the funeral. For example, they had a plaster cast of their son’s hand and foot made for their home.Alan and Susan would call Jolene when they needed to talk or cry, and she was there. They went to support group meetings to talk with other families who had gone through a similar situation. After a little while, the Utah SIDS Alliance asked if Alan and Susan would be willing to help other people. Susan and Alan became the co-presidents of that organization and were able to run the support meetings, work with the State Health Department, and create the Back To Sleep campaign to remind parents to put babies on their backs to sleep.Alan is grateful for the work they were able to do, and all the Utah families they were able to help. Alan found a closeness to this community of people and the support they gave each other was indescribable.Conversations With GodAlan’s conversations with God at that time involved a lot of questions, mostly asking “why?” Alan says he eventually learned that he needed to be in a place where he could benefit others. He says he wasn’t happy to hear that. But he learned what he was supposed to do and how he was supposed to be there for others.  “I need to be there to help take care of them. I’ve been there, done that and don’t want to ever do it again,” he says.More ChildrenAlan’s next daughter Haylee was born a few years later. He says that when Susan was pregnant, she was a train wreck and was so worried about everything. Alan felt calm, and at peace that it would be fine. Once Haylee was born, Alan and Susan switched places. Susan became calm and comfortable, and Alan became a train wreck.He would go into the kid’s rooms every night to put his hand on them to make sure they were breathing. He jokes that it was great as teenagers because they were too afraid to sneak out, knowing their Dad would come check on them in the night.Alan says that his feelings of a protector came back out when his children were born, and he wanted to control everything he could. He says now that his children are grown he feels less pressure, and can know that he’s done his best and it’s up to them now.Lessons Alan Has Learned1. Empathy and Serving OthersWhen Alan and his wife were able to serve and help others who had children die unexpectedly, they felt unity, support and healing. Serving others also brought them happiness and joy.2. Learn Lessons Amid HardshipAsk God, “What do I need to learn this situation?” Often learning the lesson will benefit your life moving forward.3. Good Things Can Come from TragedyFigure out how to see the positives in any situation. You can’t let the crazy stuff that happens in your life beat you down. For example, Alan says some of his greatest friendships and best points of his life are connected to Bryse dying.4. Awfulizing: Life isn’t as bad as we thinkAlan says that a psychologist worked with him and taught him about awfulizing. For example, you get a hang nail and then you feel like you’re going to have to get your thumb amputated. You’ve created a horrible thing out of something small, and it’s a negative cycle. To break the cycle you have to put everything on a scale of 1 to 10. 10 is the worst, most horrible thing ever. For Alan, his son dying was the 10. Nothing else in his life can compare to how awful that was.Alan says sometimes something will happen, like the kids put crayons in the dryer and shirts are ruined. We tend to grow that into an 8. But if you really look at it, it’s just a 2 or a 3. Comparing it to the worst thing ever helps you put it into perspective. You can have control over your reactions when you think about your life in this way.5. There is Power in ForgivenessAlan remembers one bully from his childhood taking particular care to make his life miserable. At least, that was Alan’s perception. Alan later was in a religious ceremony, and this person from his childhood was there. Alan decided in that moment to let go of his childhood hurt with this person. And 30 years later, he hasn’t harbored any ill-will toward him. He believes that Jesus Christ and God helped him let go of that hurt and anger.Thirteen years after Alan decided to forgive this person, he got a phone call saying they had died of a heart attack at a young age. Alan says he felt so blessed that he had let go of his anger and could go to the funeral without any upset feelings.Alan says often the people in our lives that have hurt us probably don’t know that they’ve done something so bad to us. The anger we feel is hurting us more than it’s hurting them. As long as we’re willing to give God our struggles, He can help us overcome the feelings and take them away.6. The Ability to Choose How to ReactAlan says sometimes he’s been put on a path he didn’t want to walk, but learned to figure out what positives he could take from each situation. He says he would never have wanted to be on a path that included having a child pass away. But everyone has things happen to them that they don’t want. And we don’t get to choose them. But we do choose how to deal with the consequences. “The only thing we get to choose really is how we react to any given situation,” Alan concludes.7. Embrace Your New NormalAlan has the chance to meet with families and groups and help them get over hardships. He talks about embracing a new normal (one of Tamara’s favorite things as well.)Alan says, “The day before my son died, I was a dad. The day after my son died, I was still a dad, but I didn’t have my son. Normal had changed for me, normal was never going to be the same as it was before. And so I have to learn how to adapt and how to work within the range of what normal is.”Alan likens it to going on a vacation to Italy that you’ve planned thoroughly and you’re so excited for. You get to the airport, and they tell you to go to sleep and they will wake you up when you arrive. Now imagine you go to sleep, and you wake up on the ground and they say “Welcome to Holland!” You’d probably think, “Wait a minute, I was planning to go to Italy.” But you’re in Holland and there are great things to do in Holland like windmills and wooden shoes. But it’s not Italy. Being in a different place can be wonderful and great, it’s just not what you were expecting. Finding the good in your new normal. (The original credit for the “Welcome to Holland” story goes to Emily Perl Kingsley).Advice on How to Support OthersAlan also talks about being on the other side of the table when someone you know is going through a new normal. Other people may not understand what you’re going through, because your new normal doesn’t impact their daily life. At the beginning of a loss people crowd around and try to support and help, but that slowly fades away as they get back to their life.How to Help a Grieving FriendPart of what you can do is create a place where you remember that somebody is in a new normal space and finding ways to still support them in that place. This doesn’t have to be crazy hard. It doesn’t have to be a lot of work, it can be sending them a text that you’re thinking about them. Just so that they know that somebody is aware of them. You can put flowers on their loved one’s grave.Alan says you can also remember significant dates (like the birth or death day or a loved one) and show that you’re there for your friend on those important dates. Being aware of the needs of others is an important key. All it takes is setting a recurring annual reminder on your phone and you can remember and comfort your friend on these critical anniversaries. Doing this means a lot.Sleepless In Seattle AdviceAlan has some thoughts about this popular movie. In the movie, Tom Hanks is being interviewed on the radio on Christmas Eve. The therapist on the radio asks Tom Hanks how he got through his wife dying. Tom Hanks says “I just remind myself to breathe and hopefully someday I won’t have to remind myself to breathe.” Alan says that this advice is key. You can live moment-to-moment. And pretty soon you’ll be able to take two breaths and be able to manage two breaths.Alan says it’s important to remember that nobody expects you to be perfect. You can be in a bad place, and that’s OK. It’s just one breath at a time. Inhale, exhale. That’s all it takes.How God HelpedAlan says God put amazing people in his life as part of this whole experience. They were earthly angels to Alan and Susan and their family. Creating lifelong connections has been such a gift.God also gave Alan the ability to have perspective and to stop awfulizing things so much. He gave Alan the knowledge that we can choose the opportunities before us, and that we don’t have to let life happen to us. Most of all, Alan says he learned that God won’t leave us alone. There are always people who can help us and support us. And we can always be there for other people by asking them to dinner, to go for a walk, to serve them, send flowers, or more. God has helped Alan take his pain, and turn that into great ways to help others.Recommended ResourcesAlan loves the following resources:Who Moved My Cheese by Dr. Spencer Johnson. Alan says this book helps us realize that things change and we don’t always get a choice in what happens, but that’s ok.Leadership and Self-Deception by the Arbinger Institute. This book talks about putting up walls, our thought processes, and our perspective.Contacting AlanYou can contact Alan at [email protected].

“Speaking of Leadership - Why Great Leaders must become Great Speakers” with Julie May of Speaking Seriously

In this episode, Tom discuses the ins-and-outs of the Electoral College including the history of how it came to be.