Resilience Talk Network

Bringing You "Common Sense" Leadership Principles for the 21st CenturyCEVIN ORMONDThe Master of Self-Leadership' - Leadership Expert | Speaker#1 International Bestselling Author Coach | TrainerT. +1 801-671-5542  E: [email protected]  www.cevinormond.com

Bringing You "Common Sense" Leadership Principles for the 21st Century CEVIN ORMOND'The Master of Self-Leadership' - Leadership Expert | Speaker#1 International Bestselling Author Coach | TrainerT. +1 8016715542  E: [email protected]  www.cevinormond.com

Tamara K. Anderson interviews Jason Hagues on the Stories of Hope in Hard Times podcast. Jason shares his journey from feeling numb to aching joy with his son Jack, who has autism. There are seasons of both sorrow and joy.Jason Hague: Feeling Both Joy and Sorrow with AutismJason Hague BioJason grew up in the piney woods of East Texas. He is the associate pastor of Christ’s Center Church in Junction City Oregon (near Eugene.) He has served on staff for Youth With A Mission for many years. Jason and his wife have been married for nearly twenty years, and they have five amazing kids. He has a passion for writing, and enjoys creative, visual storytelling. Jason often speaks often about the intersection of faith and special needs, due to the fact that he has a son, Jack, who is on the autism spectrum. He is the author of Aching Joy, which I highly recommend.Jack’s DiagnosisJack was a lively and interactive child, but at age one and a half to age two he started to drift. Jason says he didn’t even notice at first that he wasn’t interacting with them anymore until a friend mentioned that Jack had never given him eye contact.He and his wife researched a little bit but were certain whatever was wrong with Jack wasn’t autism. He made little gains and to them, that was further proof he was doing just fine. Finally Jason’s mom emailed him and said, “I think Jack has autism and I think you are in denial.” He laughed when he read it, which he is pretty sure people in denial do when they are accused of being in denial.But they had to face the facts. Jack received his diagnosis at age three and they have been on a journey since then.Facing DiagnosisThe diagnosis was a real blow for Jason. He and his wife had two daughters and he was anxiously awaiting a son to be born. His daughters seemed to be born speaking “Elizabethan English” and he took it for granted that his son would be the same.He came from a loud and excitable family that loved sports. Jason imagined that when he had a son that they would watch football on Sundays and then go outside and play. He had all these visions in his head about what fatherhood was going to be like when he had a son.After Jack’s autism diagnosis Jason realized that the dreams he had imagined might never happen and that he was going to have to recalibrate the expectations he had for Jack.Lesson #1 Grieving & FeelingsJason went through the denial stage and then he went through a stage where he was angry with God. After that, Jason went through this long season of sadness and numbness. Jason wasn’t sure how to deal with this grief.Dealing with GriefSome people don’t like using the term grief when you talk about a child, because you should be able to celebrate each child’s uniqueness. But Jason simply wasn’t able to do that at this point.This is a concept Jason talks about in his book and I was so glad to hear it brought up. So many of us have dreams or expectations that we truly do grieve when they don’t happen. The diagnosis doesn’t have to be autism. It could be cancer or depression.Jason explains that for some reason it is okay to feel blue when someone you love is diagnosed with disease–then people understand. But for some reason he feels it is controversial to mention feeling down after a child is diagnosed with some kind of mental disorder like autism. People feel they have to tiptoe around it.Feeling Your FeelingsHe has had some people say, “You should be rejoicing about your child and the beauty that they bring.” But in Jason’s experience you just can’t tell someone how they ought to feel. “Feelings don’t sing on command.”If you are feeling sorrow or grief you can’t just wish your way out of it. “You just pray you can get past some of the heavy stuff so you can see the beauty.” You have to deal with the feelings you are actually dealing with. If you are dealing with grief, you have to acknowledge it and vent it. If you are angry at God. Talk to Him about it and submit it.If you are sad, it is so helpful to acknowledge what it actually is and go through the process of working through it.Anger and GodWe also talked about how it is normal to angry with God during the grief cycle. So just get it out and vent to Him because He is big enough to take it and He still loves us. God also wants us to get through that and move on towards peace.Jason calls this “upward condescension” in his book. We feel like we don’t want to talk about our grief to God because we are afraid He will be mad or can’t handle it. When in reality he sees our grief. He has seen anger, disappointment and disillusionment before. So if the emotion is there, let’s just tell Him that it is there.It is common in these types of situations to have questions and ask, “Why God?” Don’t smother the feelings. “I think it is much more healthy to give them to Him in prayer” Jason shares. Tell God how you are feeling and ask him to come into that place and be with you.Be real with God and He will help you through it.Lesson #2 Look for and Celebrate the Small VictoriesLooking for little victories didn’t come naturally for Jason. Jack is now thirteen and is still pretty much non-verbal. He begged for God to give his son words and be able to relate and have conversations. The problem was Jason didn’t see huge progress in communication and it was easy to sink down into sadness again.Jason confesses his wife has always had an easier time seeing the small ways Jack improves. He tended toward the harsh reality of the situation, “Did you see that meltdown he had today?” He wasn’t going to sugar-coat it. But he realized that,”Some things are really good in the midst of the hardness. So let’s look for those things as well.”Jason found that as he looked for daily little victories, everything changed. You can continue to pray for the big thing, but look for the small miracles as well. Learning this concept was a game-changer for Jason.Lesson #3 Bearing Burdens With OthersJason was always a people-person, but he didn’t realize how much he needed others until he was given something too hard for him to bear on his own.So much of the pop psychology now is “You can do this. You were made for this.”But some things are too big for us. We simply cannot carry the load. This is where community and people can help. When Jason was in depression his wife suggested that he go out with his friends, but he didn’t feel up to it. She would still encourage him to go. The times he went, he always came away feeling better.He needed friends to talk and vent to. We pray for God’s help and God usually sends people to answer our prayer.Jason’s Letter to GodIn Jason’s book, Aching Joy, he wrote this very sweet letter to God once when Jack was going through a self-injury phase. Here is what is says,Dear God. . .I am afraid. . .I have always believed the world is broken, and that you didn’t break it. That you are the Great Restorer. That your Son came to make all things new. This has been my conclusion after years of study and thought, but I have to admit, I am biased on this point, because I desperately want to believe it. I need to believe that you are truly, wholly good. That you don’t desire innocent children to live frantic and bruised. That you don’t lock up a boy’s future behind impaired speech centers in the brain. I don’t know how to help my son, and I don’t know how to pray. I can’t just pray “heal my son” because I don’t even know what that means anymore. I don’t know what anything means. So I won’t pray anything too bold for now. Instead I will just remind you that your name is Immanuel, which means “God with us.” Come close, Immanuel. Prince of Peace, draw near to my son, and give him rest. Amen.Jason read this letter out loud in a sermon once and completely broke down crying. He had to have the Elders from his church come and embrace him. But the sweet outpouring of love that came to him afterwards was amazing.More Than We can Handle“God does give us more than we can handle. We need to cry out to God and have our communities come around us and add strength.”This goes to show that it is really important to be real. When we really are struggling, our answer to the question, “How are you,” shouldn’t be “fine.” It is important for us to open up and be real.This is tricky though because even if we are walking parallel paths we are never truly going to understand one another because everyone’s circumstance is different. This is especially true for special needs families. They often feel like no one understands and so they don’t reach out.But it is important to open up and say, “I know you might not be able to relate to this, so I am just going to tell you this is what is going on. And this is really, really hard.”You can find friends in similar circumstances, but you can also be friends with people who have completely different trials than you do. They can listen and that is a lifesaver.Friend can share in your sorrows and your victories as long as you are open and willing to share.A Breakthrough with JackJason’s constant prayer was that he would be able to have connection and a relationship with Jack. “God you created us to have relationships. I would love for him to understand how much we love him.” This prayer seemed to go unanswered for a really long time.The Book and the BreakthroughOne day Jack brought a little board book home from the library called, “I Like it When.” His wife text him and told him he had to come home and see this.So, Jason rushed home and found Jack on the top bunk reading the book laughing. Jason looked at the book and it depicted a big penguin and a little penguin doing daily things together. For example, there was a picture of two penguins holding each other’s wings and the book said, “I like it when you hold my hand.”Then Jack pointed to the little penguin and the big penguin and said, “Jack and daddy.”The next page showed the big penguin giving the little penguin a bath. It said, “I like it when we splash about.” Jack then said “Jack and Daddy.”Of course by this point Jason is in a puddle of tears.Jack had never used language like this before, and yet he was laughing and pointing at all the things that he did with his dad.Jason realized that God had answered his prayer. Jack understood their relationship.There is so much that goes on in the mind of a child with autism. It is almost like their are prisoners in their own little bodies and they are trying so hard to tell you what they are thinking. You have to learn to decode what they are trying to express when they quote movies or books.The Viral VideoI originally “found” Jason through a video he made where he shares a sweet poem about Jack as he romps through the ocean waves. If you want to watch the video, Click Here.The Backstory of the VideoJason shares a little bit of the backstory. Back in 2016 he was listening to some music and it inspired him to write his feelings about Jack. He tried to cover his frustrations about some of the questions argued over in online forums: Is a person autistic or do they have autism? “So much of autism in general is confusing…and there is sadness and beauty at the same time.”The message he wanted to convey to his son was “I love you.”They filmed Jack and Jason on the beach while Jason recites the poem in the background. He wonders what the waves mean–the gains and losses with autism. There aren’t definite answers.During the first filming his friend got his finger caught in his drone and they had to stop filming. They almost lost all the footage because it kept crashing. They went home discouraged. But his wife convinced him to go back out and try again.The second time around the got all the shots they needed and were able to recover all the originally shot footage as well.The VideoThe video they made immediately went viral. He had like a million views in four days. It was crazy.Jason’s favorite thing was that people started posting pictures of their kids on the spectrum and saying, “This is my son and he is beloved too!”The comments he has received is that although the video was sad, it was hopeful and joyful at the same time. Jason thinks that having that combination of “this is hard but it’s beautiful” is what made the video work and go viral. If we can embrace the hard things we can also embrace the beauty.Favorite Bible VerseJason confesses that he prefers to hang out in the Psalms because they are so heartfelt and full of longing.But in this season of his life, his favorite verse is found in Romans 12:12, “Rejoice in hope. Be patient in tribulation. Be constant in prayer.” It is important to have hope in tribulation, and then rejoicing and hard times. But perhaps it is most important to be present in all of it. Be present in talking to God about all of it.Jason feels this verse summarizes his journey. He didn’t know how to be present in all of it early on. Right now he is on a journey to have more joy in his life. He wonders if there is such a thing as pure joy.The PendulumI shared the story that one of my friend’s grandparents told me when I was a teenager. They explained that our emotions are kind of like a pendulum that swings back and forth. The greater we feel joy, the greater capacity we have to feel sorrow. I have found that to be true. As I have gone through life and experienced greater sorrow than I ever experienced as a teenager, yet I also felt greater love and hope and joy than I had ever felt as a teenager as well.So, it is important to cling to hope when we are hanging out on the sorrow side of the pendulum that it will eventually swing the other way.Feeling NumbJason added that sometimes we think we can protect ourselves by feeling numb, but when we do that we miss out on the beauty. In Aching Joy, Jason explains that you can’t numb one side of your heart only. He feels this is what he tried to do early on–numb the pain and kind of mute everything. The problem was that it then muted everything–even feeling joy with his other children.Jason found that as he was able to experience more pain he was able to experience more beauty.It is important to lean into the pain and experience it–even though it feel counterproductive because that is not where we want to be.Happy All the Time?Some of the songs we sing at church are hilarious because they talk only about joy…”I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.” Or “I’m inside, outside, upside, downside happy all the time.”Jason jokes that our kids should sue us for religious malpractice because there is also great sadness in this world, and we are just going to have to know how to deal with that.So, we debunked the myth that if you are just good enough you will be happy all the time. It is simply not true, which is what I thought growing up.When I crashed after Nathan was diagnosed I thought, “This is not how it is supposed to work.” And I began to look for proof in the scriptures that if I was just good enough good things would happen. And I found person after person who were good but had hard things happen to them. Think of poor Joseph in Egypt alone. That poor man! He had hard thing after hard thing happen to him.Jason add that Jesus tells us “in this life you will have trouble” (John 16:33). It played out in Jesus’ life and the life of 11 of the 12 disciples who were martyred. This life is full of difficulties. We have to be able to face that and move on.The way you move on is by admitting it is there and dealing with it. Work through it with God and work through it with yourself. Otherwise you will live in perpetual disillusionment.How do you answer when people ask, If life is going to be hard and challenging, why should I believe?Jason answers that it isn’t just about this present moment. Sure, you could earn lots of money and insulate yourself from life and be “happy” without God.But to him the Christian faith embodies what he sees in the world. We were built for love. We were built for beauty and life. And all of that has been damaged, so we experience deep pain. But Christ has come and given us a taste of redemption. He has restored us and that process of restoration is going on until one day it will be complete. That means that one day every injustice will be turned around and one day the things that hold Jack back will be gone. He will be able to speak and sing and say everything that was in his heart.There really is a God up there and His Son really did give Himself in redemption for us so we can be with Him forever.Jason and I agree that we are both looking forward to the day when we can truly talk to and communicate with our sons. This gives us both something incredible to hope for and look forward to.Connect with JasonFacebook His Website (Jasonhague.com)Shareable Quotes and Memes

Episode 6. Paranormal: Abi is joined by her most favorite guest.. Her husband!! Briton and Abi share ghost stories that happened during their travels.Follow us on Instagram!www.instagram.com/makeupmaskingandmurder/www.instagram.com/styledbyabigail/This weeks products:www.makeupforever.com/us/en-us/make-…E&gclsrc=aw.dswww.sephora.com/product/the-true-…d:p394624:productFor any inquiries:email: [email protected] visit www.styledbyabigail.com

Tamara K. Anderson interviews her children and husband on the Stories of Hope in Hard Times podcast. They talk about how their lives have been changed for the better because of two sons with autism. Lessons, advice, tips and love shared.The Anderson Family: One Family’s Perspective on AutismAnderson family BioJustin (old) according to the kids. Husband to Tamara for 22 and a half years, and father to four amazing children.Jordan, age 21. College student majoring in Elementary Education. One of my typical kids.Nathan, age 20. Mostly non-verbal kiddo on the autism spectrum. We talk about Nathan on our podcast, but he doesn’t comment (mostly because he would just echo back whatever we said).Jacob, age 16. Jacob is an amazing kid that has high-functioning autism. He just learned to drive last year and is attending high school.Noelle, age 14. Noelle is our only girl and she is an amazing “second mother” to the group of boys. She is also in high school and is my other “typical” child.What was it like to grow up with two brothers on the autism spectrum?Jordan: It was a learning experience. They didn’t grow up doing “normal” activities. He noticed that he couldn’t interact the same with his brothers as other brothers that he saw.  He dreamed of playing catch with his brother or wrestling with his brother, but Nathan didn’t want to do those kinds of social interactions. When Jacob came along he was able to finally grow into doing some of these things as he got older.Jordan explains that he had to learn to interact with Nathan differently. He learned how to show him that he loved him without a reaction.One interesting thing is that Jordan has always been extremely social and he wanted to tackle and interact with Nathan (who didn’t always appreciate that). I often felt when they were little like I was always playing referee. But looking back I realize that was probably the best thing for Nathan, because he had someone constantly inviting him to interact in the “real” world instead of always staying in “autism’s world.”Jordan is not intimidated by children with special needs, and he believes this is one of the blessings of growing up with brothers on the autism spectrum. As he is studying Elementary Education, Jordan looks at each child differently and he knows, he “can work with them.” He concludes he has a baseline because he has two amazing brothers with autism. He feels he has been guided to this major so that he can help children with all different kinds of needs.What is it like to have autism? What goes on inside your mind, and what makes you different from other kids?Jacob: The problem is learning to relate the “autism world” to the real world. “I don’t know what the normal world is like. All my life I’ve been living just being me.”Jacob is now fully integrated into regular high school. He didn’t always used to be able to handle this, but has grown to this point. One thing that is important to explain is that there is this real draw or pull to click over to the autism world in his mind or what we call “Imaginations” in our home.ImaginationsWhen I asked Jacob what he is thinking about when he does his “Imaginations” he answered that it is kind of a wild card. He explains that he can’t just think of one thing because that would be boring. So, he thinks of lots of things, but he can’t always control where his mind wanders. Sometimes he thinks of recent video games he has played, and creating off-stories in his mind. He also likes to imagine what would happen after the end of a book he has just read or the story before the book begins. Basically prequels, sequels and stuff like that.That is one of the cool things about having Jacob in our home is that he often thinks outside the box. When he was little he crafted these amazingly creative Super Jacob-man comic books that were so fun to read. He made the illustrations for them and everything. Jordan remembers having Jacob read him those comic books and helping him create the characters and then just watching the story come alive.Super-PowersI think every child has a super-power. Some of Jacob’s super-powers are learning math or numbers and dates. When he was little we would randomly ask him when people were born or when they died and he would tell us. It was pretty cool. So, this means he does well in history as well. Another of Jacob’s super-powers is music. He can memorize songs much more easily than most kids. Noelle has also noticed how easily Jacob memorizes long classical pieces after only playing through them a few times. She admits she wishes she could do that too:). I think we all do.“Kids with autism and normal kids have their own super-powers. You just have to find them.”NathanNoelle enjoys interacting with Nathan because he is so pure and he isn’t distracted by things in the world. Some of the things that make him happy are “drop pillow” when you drop a pillow on him and tickle him. Jordan adds that doing “Star Wars” where you do the Darth Vader’s breathing and then tickle him. He then laughs with this big gut laugh that is so contagious.Nathan is like a giant 2-3 year old child, but he outweighs all of us and he is taller than all of us, well, maybe Jacob is slightly taller than him now.It is nice that Nathan now has some very simple words or phrases to ask for certain things. He definitely lets you know if there is something that he doesn’t want by saying, “all done,” “no,” or “go home.”A Nathan StoryFor example, recently we took the family to go watch Captain Marvel. This requires a little bit of tricky planning. We always get seats on the very back row of the theater and we always seat Nathan in the corner. This way he can play on his iPad (with the screen turned all the way down) and not distract anyone.Anyway, on the way to the movies he let us know, “No movie. Go home.” We tried simple reasoning (with a little bribery). “First movie, then Walmart?” NO! “First movie, then DI?” (DI is a local thrift store where Nathan likes buying used DVDs). Yes! So, he happily walked into the theater and then I took him to DI afterwards. We didn’t used to be able to reason with him, so it is nice to have hit this point.Changing schedules with these kids is challenging. They do well with visual schedules and so we usually have to write things down to let them know what we are doing. Jacob comments that spontaneous surprises are very hard for him as well, and it bugs him.A Spontaneous Story–And Why that Doesn’t WorkI shared the example of spontaneously buying tickets to go see the Lego movie while my kids were at school. After I picked them up I told them we were going straight to the movie. Jacob freaked out about this saying, “This is not what we do after school. First we go home and have a snack and then we do our homework.” So, basically I had to try to reason with him and help him try to get past the change to even allow us to go. After the movie when I asked him if he liked it he answered, “Yes, but next time we have to follow the schedule.”So, spontaneity with these kiddos is very challenging. Jordan says he is very spontaneous too, so Jacob and Nathan act as a counterbalance for the spontaneousness in our home.This is going to look different in different families and from child to child. So, each family is unique.When I ask the kids how they feel about our family being talked about in my book, Normal for Me, Jordan answers that he is glad that we can share our story and spread more light. It is important for people to get a look at how autism impacts families and how we incorporate God in our family as well.Jordan goes on to say that he hopes this will help people see that children with autism do have super-powers and they have desires and hopes just like typical children.What are some of Nathan’s Super-Powers?Noelle shares that Nathan is really gifted at doing puzzles. Most people take their time with a 500 piece puzzle, but Nathan can crank it out in about 2 hours.Jacob adds that another of Nathan’s super-powers is doing word-searches. He does them on his iPad but he will also crank through an entire word search book in about a day. But he has to circle the words in the order in which they are liste. I have to buy word search books at the 99 cent store because we go through them quite quickly.So, Nathan can see patterns in puzzles and in words and letters more easily than the rest of us. Those are his super-powers.The Kids Favorite Bible VersesNoelle–Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” Noelle likes this verse because it helps us remember that we are in God’s hand and that He can help us, and He knows what we are going through. He is always there.Jordan–Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”Story behind the verseJordan was at a point in his life where things were challenging and this verse taught him that I can’t do this, but if I rely on God, He can pull me through it.” The more we give ourselves to Him the more He can guide us to where He needs us to go. He still feels God prompting him and guiding him even in college.Jordan explains that some people think of God as a puppeteer, but Jordan sees us more as a Pinocchio. We can choose where we want to go, but it is good sometimes to let go and let God guide us.This is often hard to do when God is putting you on a path that you don’t want to go on, like I describe in the Normal for Me book, when my kids were diagnosed on the autism spectrum. Trusting God at those times is hard, but we do learn a lot. One of the phrases I coined at that point in my life is “Two people can do anything if one of them is God.”Jacob–Matthew 5:14-16 “Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”To Jacob this means that it is important to share your talents. Going into Junior high this was hard for him because his friends seemed to outgrow his comic books and it became a little harder for him to fit in socially.Social Interaction ChallengesSocial interactions are often more challenging with kiddos on the autism spectrum–and it seems to be more challenging for the higher functioning kids. Lower functioning kids like Nathan don’t really care if they socialize or not, so it has never been a big deal for him. But the older Jacob got the harder it got for him to socialize, know what to say, or how to talk to others.Jacob confesses that sometimes he just can’t think of words to say.Jacob’s AdviceThe advice Jacob would give to parents and other teens is to “be patient” with kids on the autism spectrum. They need love too and are often lonely. Don’t be afraid to help kids with autism out and be a friend.Another tip: Kids on the spectrum are usually pretty honest–there isn’t much of a filter that goes on between what they think and what they say. They will tell you if you do indeed “look fat in that dress” (whether they should or not).Jacob’s Advice to Parents of Teens on the SpectrumHelp your kids practice social things like getting someone’s phone number, asking a friend if they want to hang out, how to text properly.Noelle’s adviceBe nice to kids on the autism spectrum and try not to be super-sarcastic. The reason for this is they often don’t always understand sarcasm. They are sometimes very literal.Jordan chimes in that he likes to think of kids with autism like Drax on Guardians of the Galaxy. Sarcasm goes right over their heads.Final thoughts from Jordan“Be patient with these kids. They are not kids with autism. They are kids with super-powers. Just like in the movies, sometimes the superheroes get attacked.”Jordan has been doing some classroom observations this semester at an elementary school. There is a sweet girl with autism in one of his classes and she has a wonderful aide that is so patient with her. When Jordan asked the aide what got her into this field, she said, “I see potential in all of these kids.”“If we give these kids chances to change the world, they will.” Often that change is in our own world.My final comments: “Having children with autism has changed me for the better.”Interview with my Husband, JustinJustin’s advice for parents of children with autismYou are in for a different life that perhaps you had planned. There will be challenges, but there will also be some really great things as well. Having kids on the spectrum can be something that will bring you closer to your spouse as you let it. It can also help you find a different level of love and patience than you naturally had.Some of the Lessons Learned in Hard TimesDifferent people process diagnosis differently. Justin was more quick to acknowledge there was something wrong with Nathan while I lived in denial for a little longer. I was terrified of an autism diagnosis. Justin was more terrified as he realized life was going to be different.You will go through the stages of grief. There is also anger. I felt anger. Justin felt cheated out of experiences he was going to have with his son. He felt very sad.When expectations have been changed by diagnosis it is hard to envision a clear future.Take things day by day and week by week. Hold on to hope because these kids are amazing!Some of the Things Justin Learned from our Children with Autism1. We are children of God. When Nathan has had hard times and we have had to just hold him and pray, God has opened Justin’s mind to see what a special person Nathan really is. There is a big, strong, manly and faithful spirit inside of his body and his disability simply impairs his mind, but it is not who he is.2. Knowing who your child really is as a son or daughter of God, helps you to have a different level of patience, love, kindness and understanding. This is who they will be forever.3. These kids are not their disabilities.4. Pray for this gift from God to see your child from a more eternal perspective.“Heaven is close when you are on your knees in a really hard spot.”Another lesson: Be Willing to Try New Things and Support your SpouseI was the more aggressive in wanting to try new things with Nathan. Justin was supportive. Sometimes we found things that worked, and other times we ruled out things that didn’t work.Advice for Dads Ask what you can do to help and keep on trying. The work you are doing is so important and needs a father’s strength and support to accomplish it. This is not a one-person job. If you aren’t pulling your weight, then it is time to step up and be a man. This means talking, listening, offering support, and doing things with your child that are different from what you expected.Help your spouse. They need someone to talk to.Justin subscribes to a Google wordsearch for “autism” each day. This pulls up any articles that come up on autism. This helps him to see what is going on.Join Facebook pages. Sometimes all you can do is listen and offer encouragement, but that is good enough sometimes.Give your spouse a “break” and help.It is also really important to note that full-time caretakers need breaks. If they don’t have a spouse to help them, then they need to get some kind of respite. This is often available through government programs.Justin’s Favorite Bible VerseIsaiah 12:2 “Behold, God is my salvation. I will trust and not be afraid: for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation.”This verse means that having Jesus Christ in your life is the only way you are going to be able to accomplish anything. It also means that He will give you strength to be the parent of a special needs child who needs your care.“God is strong enough there to help us moment by moment as we learn to parent different children differently.”

Tamara K. Anderson interviews Jamie Middlecamp in the Stories of Hope in Hard Times Podcast. Jamie shares the 5 lessons she learned having a son with Down Syndrome. She also explains how God helped and gives IEP advice.Jamie’s BioWife and mother of three–her oldest has Down SyndromeMeme to her two treasuresLived most of her live in North West ArkansasAlso lived in a small town in North CarolinaWorked with children doing home therapy and as an autism specialistTeaches Pre-K at a Mother’s Day OutLoves serving in her churchLoves watching her kids to the things they love: baseball, soccer and Special OlympicsLoves the beach and has been swimming with dolphins and 4-wheelingJamie’s StoryAt the age of 18 Jamie found herself expecting. She married the father of her unborn baby and took very good care of herself during her pregnancy–just like overly cautious first-time mamas do. She had several ultrasounds throughout her pregnancy, and they were all normal.She gave birth to her first baby, an 8 pound 8 ounce boy who they named Tyler in February 1990. A couple of hours after he was born the medical staff took him back for routine tests. After about 4 hours they finally asked the nurse where their baby was and she told them that their pediatrician would be in soon to talk to them. At this point their minds just started going a thousand miles per hour wondering what could be wrong.Tyler’s DiagnosisWhen their pediatrician came in he told them that they had detected a heart defect in their son. So, they were going to run some more tests on him and have him go down to Arkansas Children’s Hospital. Four hours later, their pediatrician returned, this time with their baby and confirmed that he did have heart problems which included several holes in his heart. He also was missing a valve that was connecting his chambers.The doctor also told them that this particular heart defect is associated with Down Syndrome, and that they suspected that he had Downs but they couldn’t confirm it yet.Jamie confesses that as they told her all of this information, she was more concerned about the heart defect. She had been blessed to grow up with some friends who had a baby with Down Syndrome so that wasn’t as scary to her. She felt shocked and scared, of course and they started praying.Their doctors were very shocked that she had a Down Syndrome baby at age 18–that is usually something that happens to 40-year-old women. So there was also some mom guilt associated with her son having Downs–even though she knew she couldn’t have changed anything genetically, she still felt guilty like maybe there was something she could have done to help Tyler be different.So, they sent them home with their baby with specific instructions to immediately return to the hospital if his lips started turning blue. Of course this made them scared to even sleep at night.Arkansas Children’s HospitalThey were also supposed to go to Arkansas Children’s Hospital in three days. Once they arrived they found out that Tyler’s jaundice was bad enough that they had to put him under the lights for a week before they could even look at his heart problem or do genetic testing for Downs. This turned their one day trip into a three week stay!They finally got the genetic testing back and the doctor confirmed that Tyler did indeed have Down Syndrome. This doctor also told them that their son would never read his name, ride a bike, go to public schools; the list went on. This made Jamie mad and she decided this doctor couldn’t tell her that her child was NOT going to do something.They may have swallowed half the pill when he was born knowing that he had heart problems, but the diagnosis was like getting punched in the stomach again.At 8 weeks, Tyler had major heart surgery and the doctors repaired his heart. This was a time of seeing how blessed they were even in their scary moments.Lessons LearnedLesson #1 Count Your BlessingsWhile they were at the hospital they met another little girl with Down Syndrome who was three and she was on her 17th surgery and has spent every single birthday in the hospital. So, even in her valley, Jamie felt like God was showing her that things could be worse and she should continue to count her blessings.She tried to always find something good within all the bad.Tyler recovered well from his heart surgery. They were at the hospital for 2 months, which was pretty remarkable considering all the work he had done.Lesson #2 The Importance of Early InterventionShortly after they were home Jamie contacted the Benton County Sunshine School. This school is an early intervention school for kiddos with special needs and they also have typical children there as well so that the special needs kiddos can interact with peers their same age.So, the Sunshine School did a home evaluation on Tyler and he qualified to start receiving therapy. Tyler started home therapy when he was three months old to help him learn simple things like tongue thrusting, head control and other simple things. The Sunshine School was very excited to be able to work with him when he was so young because the sooner they get started on therapy, the better it is for these kids.Watching and helping the therapists actually influenced Jamie’s career change. After graduating from high school she wanted to be a hairdresser, but now she decided that she wanted to work with special needs children.When Tyler turned 3 and began preschool at the Sunshine School, Jamie began working there as a home therapist.Lesson #3 Determination to Prove them WrongWhen someone tells you your child won’t do something–prove them wrong!A funny story about the genetics doctor that told them their son would never be able to do anything—he wanted a one-year-checkup with Tyler. Tyler walked into his office and the doctor handed Tyler a ball. Tyler threw the ball back to him and hit him right between the eyes. Then Jamie told him, “Don’t ever tell me my child won’t do something!” And they left and never went back.This is the story of Tyler’s life. He is very determined and capable. When he wants to do something he is going to do it. He went on to ride a bike, play softball, and basketball with the Special Olympics, he graduated from high school, and he has attended college courses at the community collegeJamie acknowledges that not every Downs child will be the same. They are going to function at different levels. She encourages people to find and embrace their children’s strengths–whether they had special needs or not.Lesson #4 PrayerWhen asked what her prayers were like upon her son’s diagnosis with a heart problem and with Down Syndrome, Jamie had some really good tips. She said she had learned in her prayer life that it is important to thank God first before asking him for something.For example, the doctors told Jamie that it was a miracle that Tyler was such a big baby or his heart would never have survived a vaginal birth. She thanked God that Tyler was alive.When it came to asking, she prayed that God would help them be the best parents they could be. They were new parents, and they needed guidance. Jamie said they basically told God that He gave them this child, and now they wanted to know what to do.Lesson #5 The InfluenceGod has used Tyler to influence many people over the course of his life. Jamie became his advocate. She had to fight tooth and nail to get him integrated into the public school classroom. To this day she keeps in contact with several of his teachers who have messaged her and told her what a blessing it was to have Tyler in their classrooms because he taught them to be more patient.Special needs kiddos have the amazing ability to teach parents, teachers, and anyone with whom they interact lessons they wouldn’t have learned any other way.Lesson #6 “Bad Moments Don’t Make Bad Mammas”One of Jamie’s favorite Bible Study authors is Lysa TerKeurst and she wrote this book/Bible Study called “Unglued.”In this Bible Study Lysa said, “Bad moments don’t make bad mammas.” This has become Jamie’s life quote–especially now that she is dealing with a 12-year-old pre-teen. We are all going to make mistakes–especially in parenting, but this doesn’t make us bad mammas.AdviceThere have been many occasions when Jamie has been asked to come and talk to the parents who have just found they have a baby with Down Syndrome. Jamie got her first phone call when Tyler was about three-years-old.Here are some of the things she wanted parents of Down Syndrome Children to know:It is hard to articulate how much love these kids have and their joy for life.Is it easy? No, but she doesn’t think it has been too much harder than raising her typical children.The doctors are going to tell you all the negative things. But remember the possibilities and Tyler throwing the ball at his genetics doctor.She encourages them to get their child early intervention.Sometimes when she visits parents it is easy, and other times they are not ready to hear what she has to say. They are still processing everything–that is okay. It takes times.She usually takes Tyler with her when she visits these families because it is amazing to watch him and see how well he communicates, walks and interacts.See the potential in every child.Now Jamie doesn’t take the credit for how well her son does. She gives the credit to God and the Sunshine School for helping him learn the skills he needed. She wouldn’t have known to teach him sign language to help him communicate at first.Jamie is also quick to remind people that “not all children with the same diagnosis are going to function at the same level.”Additional AdviceA week into parenthood Jamie’s pediatrician gave her some very good advice. He told her that you can take a normal child and not love or nurture them and they will have challenges. He also told them that they could take their son and love him and nurture him and watch as he becomes the best that he can be.It is also normal to grieve the “expected child” they pictured in their mind but don’t have. Be gentle as you process any child’s diagnosis. Anger is also a normal part of the grief process.Be sure to get help and therapy along the way. There is are so many specialists and therapists there to help you. Don’t ever feel like you have to go through this on your own. You will probably forge friendships with these people that help you raise your child.What Advice give to Moms and Dads as they go to IEPs?An IEP is an Individualized Education Plan. It is a legal document drawn up for special needs kiddos that details how the school will accommodate them and help them be successful in the classroom setting.“You will forever be your child’s voice, their #1 fan, their biggest advocate.”Do not be afraid–be bold. Let your wants and your child’s needs be known. Be aware it is a big table and you are at one end and the teachers and therapists are all at the other end.Example: At one of Tyler’s first IEP meetings in the public school they wanted to label him “mentally retarded.” Jamie told the IEP team that his diagnosis was Down Syndrome, not mentally retarded. Basically the school would get more money if he was labeled mentally retarded. Jamie said she would NOT agree to this, and so it didn’t go on Tyler’s IEP.3. As a parent, you have rights in the IEP meeting. Know your rights. You don’t have to sign the IEP if you don’t agree with it.4. The IEP can also be changed.The school fought Jamie on getting Tyler a 1-on-1 aide in the public schools because they thought he should be in a self-contained special needs classroom. But Jamie stood her ground and got his IEP changed so that he had a 1-on-1 aide.5. Request a draft of the IEP before you to the IEP meeting. This way you know what is going on and you can hammer out potential problems beforehand.6. You can bring someone with you for support so that you can have someone with you on your side of the table.Other Tips or ThoughtsSiblingsJamie and her husband had a daughter about 2 years after Tyler was born. The thing that was hard and frustrating about that was the doctors going on and on about all the testing that they needed to do.She finally had to tell the doctors that if God wanted to give her another child with special needs that she was okay with it. All of their testing was not going to change her mind.The doctors freaked out even more when she chose to have her third child at age 35. She says they acted like she had lost her mind!Tip: Don’t be afraid to have more children after you have a special needs child. Both of Jamie’s subsequent children were typical children.Jamie’s daughter Bailey, even though she was two years younger than Tyler, was always more a big sister. She did get used to helping her mom. They tried to never treat their children any differently one from another.Jamie recently asked Bailey if she felt that she had asked too much of her growing up and having a sibling with special needs. Bailey responded, “Oh no, mom, you did fine.”The nice thing about siblings of special needs kiddos is they are really not afraid to help anyone with special needs. Their heart seem to be bigger and they see all children differently. They have more of a sensitivity to the special needs population and they can see the good in them.Favorite Bible VerseJeremiah 29:11 Is Jamie’s life verse. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans for welfare and not for evil to give you a future and a hope.This verse gives her hope. She knows that God knows Tyler’s future. When she fears for the future, Jamie places her hope in the Lord.There are times when Jamie has felt hopeless and helpless, but when she let go and let God it all usually works out.Final ThoughtsJamie remembers bawling her eyes out at IEP meeting when the school told her that he son was at a 3-year-old level. At times like that she reminds herself that Tyler is doing more than the genetics doctor told her he would ever do.At age 29, Tyler now has a checking account, a cell phone, and he is doing great things.Jamie feels that the reason that he is doing so well is because she gave him to God as a child. She knows she is Tyler’s mother here on earth, but she knows he is really God’s child. So, she told God that He was going to have to help her know how to parent His child. As she gained that perspective, Jamie felt that some of the pressure came off of her as a mom. God was in charge.When have you felt God guiding you as you raise your child?Growing up it was easier to help him make decisions, but now that he is over age 18, they haven’t been able to get guardianship of Tyler. He is just too high functioning. At this point Jamie has had to turn it over to God because she can’t help him as much as she used to.Tyler especially enjoyed going to college when they were in North Carolina. They paired him up with a college student who was going into Special Education, and they would take him around to his classes.  He loved this!He has also been able to work at places like Pizza Hut and the movie theater.Suggested ResourcesGoogleJamie admits she is a Google nerd. If she or her family members ever get any kind of diagnosis, she loves coming home and reading all she can to learn about it.For those who have young children who have just received a diagnosis, Jamie encourages you to get early intervention as soon as possible. You can find out about this through the public school system or your pediatrician.The other recommendation is to build your tribe of people who will help you. Find others with the same diagnosis that you can chat with.Build a TribeSeveral months after Tyler was born they went to a 4th of July fireworks celebration. At that even she met 3 families that had children with Down Syndrome. She and one of the mothers really connected that night and they have become really good friends, and Tyler and their son have also become really good friends.So, don’t be afraid to reach out to other families and say, “Hey, I’m new to this and I need some help.”The beauty of learning about a diagnosis both online and by talking to others helps the fear of that diagnosis disappear. So, connect with others. Get human interaction. Don’t hole up and hibernate. Get involved with others.Encouraging Children to Reach Their Full PotentialAnother tip is to let your child get involved with whatever they are passionate about. Tyler was the manager of his high school’s basketball team. The final game of his senior year, they put him in to play, and EVERYONE was cheering for him–even the other team. There wasn’t a dry eye in that entire room! It was a sweet experience.That is the power of having these special needs kids. They can touch even the toughest teenagers. “They love so big!”That is probably what Jamie would love for every parent to know upon diagnosis, is that even though it can be so hard, these kids love so purely and so big! Those moments make it worth it.So, find your child’s strength and help them be the best they can be. Find what they love and go with it!Jamie’s Contact Infohttps://www.facebook.com/jamie.cobbmiddlecampJamie’s email is also available upon request. Please contact me (Tamara) for further information.Shareable Memes and Quotes

Episode 5. Paranormal: Abi talks with cousin Harlan Evans about paranormal encounters caught on camera.Follow us on Instagramwww.instagram.com/makeupmaskingandmurder/www.instagram.com/styledbyabigail/This weeks products:www.dermstore.com/product_Laser+En…me+Gel_70654.htmwww.amazon.com/HERBAN-COWBOY-Col…Caps%2C172&sr=8-4For any inquiries email:[email protected] or visit www.styledbyabigail.com

This Episode is dedicated to the discussion of "Fatherhood". Hosts Brad Neufeld and Rich Post discuss some of the challenges of raising children in the modern era.

Tamara K. Anderson interviews Brad Neufeld on the Stories of Hope in Hard Times podcast. Brad has hit many rock bottom moments in that have put him on a path to mentor troubled teens. He also shares life lessons learned in hard times.Brad J. Neufeld: The American Dream Falls ApartBrad’s BioBrad was born in Bakersfield, California and lived there until he was 13 years old.Moved to a very small town in Alabama where he worked on a 4,000-acre soybean farm.Moved to Utah and supported himself through high school.Married to Charlotte for almost 32 years, and has 6 children and 7 grandchildrenProfessionally—migrant worker, to trucker, to being the founder and President of Affinity Guidance Services, Inc.Developed the Positive Self-Management™ Learning System, the Winning Mindset Series, the Ultimate Self-Worth Workshop Series, and others.Over 30 years of experience in assisting others with overcoming personal challenges and helping them succeed with their own personal goals and desires.His passion is to help people discover their own self-worth, talents and value, and create for themselves success filled lives.Brad’s Story of Going from Gangs in California to Being SuccessfulHe lived in Bakersfield, California growing up and was often beat up, so he got really good at running, but that got old. Finally as he reached his teens he began to wonder if he should join a gang to get some protection. Just as he was deciding this he came home to find that his family was packing and moving–that night!Their family drove across the country and ended up in Alabama living in a trailer. After a few months his parents decided to go back to California to clean up their mess and Brad said he didn’t want to go back. They had come to such a small town where everyone left their keys in their car and their windows open at night. It was such a contrast and Brad didn’t want to leave and go back to gangs.So, he stayed with their friends Frank and Marlene Crabtree, but he had to support himself, even though he was 13-years-old, so he could make payments on their trailer. So, he worked on the Crabtree soybean farm making $1.85 an hour so he could stay in Alabama.He loved his time in Alabama and stayed there for two and a half years until his family moved to Utah, and Mr. Crabtree said he should probably join his family. So he went to Utah, graduated from high school, served a mission, got married, started working as a trucker and also got into sales which earned him a good living.The American Dream Falls ApartBrad felt he was living the American dream. He bought a home, a car, and had a wife and a couple of kids–and then the world seemed to drop out from under him.After working for the frozen food company and being one of their top sales people for several years, his boss called him in and split his sales territory in half. Brad went from being on top of the world, to losing his house, car, and living in his in-laws unfinished basement in 9 months.This was devastating to him. He started having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. Brad finally went to see a doctor who told him he was depressed and gave him some medication.Brad went through several years trying different things, visiting psychiatrists and getting psychologists and they tweaked his meds, but nothing seemed to help.Considering SuicideAfter struggling for two years, Brad decided he was going to give up. He prayed and he told God, “I’m done. I don’t want to do this anymore,” and made a plan to end it all.Just at this moment of great despair a little voice inside of him said, “Give it one more shot.” So, he decided he would study everything he could for the next 6 months and see if it made any difference.During that 6 months of studying and he found options and avenues he could pursue. This began changing him. He realized a lot of his depression that due to people relations and abandonment issues. He figured out what people’s true needs were (including his own).After that he made a commitment to start teaching the principles he was learning and was then able to thank God for letting him go through that dark period of his life.Volunteering Opportunity Opens New DoorsBrad began volunteering at the Utah Boys Ranch (now Westridge Academy). This was a residential treatment center for troubled teens.Brad began going out there and talking to the teens and playing football with them.After volunteering there for 6 months, a therapist approached him and told him to stop talking to the boys because he was messing up their treatment plan. He didn’t even know what a treatment plan was!Shortly thereafter a different therapist approached him and also told him to stop talking to the boys. He said, “What am I saying? All I’m doing is answering their questions.”For example the boys would tell Brad that when they got home they were going to run away from home and go live with their friend. Brad simply spoke to them from experience–“Listen, your family is the only stable thing you have. Friends come and go. Go home, get right with your family.” He was speaking to them as a friend, from personal experience.The therapist told him “This kid tells me that you’re helping him more than I am.”Wheels began to turn in Brad’s mind, “Maybe all this happened to me for a reason.” He decided maybe this was what he was meant to do–help troubled teens. So, he decided to go back to college.Attending CollegeBrad already had a couple of kids and was making $48,000 per year when he found out a psychologist with a masters degree would get a starting pay at $23,000 per year. So, financially it didn’t make a lot of sense for him to go back to school but it was what he was feeling pushed towards doing.As he took classes, he realized that kids were different than when he was younger. When he got paddled when he was younger, he stopped doing the thing that got him paddled. But the teens he was dealing with now were much more stubborn and resilient. Spanking them didn’t work or sway them at all–if they were going to do something, they would still figure out a way to do it.As Brad studied the more modern teens, he realized they didn’t fit with all the diagnosis that he was studying about clinically.EpiphanyAt this point, Brad heard a talk from one of his spiritual leaders that really helped him look at teens a lot differently. This leader told him that the new generation had more determination than any generation in history. He also explained that they need that determination to get through.This talk validated Brad’s thoughts, but what was he supposed to do with it?The words of this leader answered that question as well: Don’t beat it out of them! They need that determination to make it. If you take them by the hand, lead them, guide them and show them the way, they will follow.This was enough for Brad to set the psychology aside and really ponder what this meant for him.The Survey That Changed EverythingBrad gathered at team of people and they then surveyed over 1,000 teens and asked them one question:What do you want from adults?After they got passed the “I just want them to leave me alone,” and got to the core of what they REALLY wanted, Brad and his team discovered some amazing results.Survey ResultsWhat teens really want from adults:To know that they are loved.They want someone to look up to.Teens want someone they can trust.They want to be adventurous.Teens also want structure and consistency.They also want validation.Brad put all these things into a model called, “The Ten Things Youth Really Want” which he is currently writing a book about.CAGE (Community Awareness Gang Education) Task ForceBrad began speaking to teens in high schools about gangs. While there, a woman approached who invited him to join the CAGE task force to help them keep teens out of gangs in the St. George area.CAGE wanted to know WHY teens wanted to join gangs since they were so dangerous. The reason Brad considered joining a gang was for protection when he was a teenager, but he felt there was more to it that he needed to discover.While he was brainstorming and pondering about why teens join gangs, he happened to glance over at his paper he was writing about the 10 Things Youth Really Want, and it hit him–those 10 things were the same things that gangs provided–ALL 10 of them!So teens can either get it from the home environment or from the gang environment. Brad quickly realized that what people said about this “battle” being for the hearts and minds of our children is real.Being the father of 6 children, this hit home to Brad, but unfortunately they’re his kids and don’t want to listen to dad. He has even had to spend the money to send his kids to counselors so they can figure out that the advice is the same coming from a counselor as it is coming from dad.Inner StruggleAt this point Brad was a public speaker, and was teaching the Winning Mindset to people and was quite successful. As he did follow-up 6 months later, he found that people hadn’t changed at all–even though they were so pumped up from his workshop.This really began to eat at him because he wanted to make a real difference with people, and so he began looking for how he should pivot.Western Region Youth CouncilAt this point of dissatisfaction, Brad was presented with the opportunity to work with the Western Region Youth Council. They wanted to increase the effectiveness of their program, and they wanted him to help with mentoring hand in hand with the therapists they already had.Brad’s team had tremendous success with this model where they would help the teens implement and actually DO what their therapists were telling them to do.For example, if the teens were supposed to go talk to their teacher and they didn’t know what to say, Brad would help them figure that out. If they still didn’t go, then Brad would take them down there and talk to their teacher with them. So, he and his group were really making a difference.A Success StoryOne of the 14-year-old girls they were working with was really ambitious and had big dreams, but she would never do any of the assignments that they gave her.After a few months without her acting on anything, Brad decided to stop by her home to see her. As he visited with this girl, he could tell something was wrong. She came out and spoke to him on the porch and then her mom came out, and she was obviously intoxicated. As he was invited into the home he saw two guys passed out on the couch that were probably doing things they shouldn’t have been doing.Brad thought, “no wonder she is struggling to succeed.”Brad asked her mom, “Do you want to change your situation?” and she replied that she did. So, he told her he’d come back the next day when she was sober and make a plan.So, they made a plan to get mom into treatment and get her the help that she needed. As the mom turned her life around, this girl was then able to grow and do some really great things.In-Home Portion AddedSo after the success with this girl, they began an in-home portion of the program. By doing this and going in without judgment and finding out how the parents wanted to raise their kids, Brad and his team were able to then support them and get them the help to be successful in their homes.Success & FailureThey had about a 93% success rate with about 1600 teens–getting them through high school and into some sort of career or post-secondary education.After building this successful model, Brad felt fulfilled and was happy that they were finally making a difference. But the program didn’t continue.Now what? Brad wondered.He moved his family from St George to Tooele, Utah to start an inpatient program themselves. After a year of working on that, the guy that owned the property had a heart-attack. He lived but told Brad afterwards that he just didn’t have the energy to finish building this new facility.And Brad hit rock bottom again. “Now what,” he wondered.But he knew he had discovered some really effective techniques and he couldn’t let it go.Affinity Guidance ServicesThis was when Brad stated Affinity Guidance Services. He was able to push through the despair of things not working out and make a difference in the world.Advice for Parents of Teens Who Are StrugglingParents want a few things for their kidsThey want them to be safe.They want them to be happy.In most cases they want more for them than they had.A parent’s drive is to provide that, and we think we know better for their life than they do.It is important for parents to realize that maybe their kids know what they are supposed to do with their life (even though they don’t have the experience yet). So, they need to get the experience.For example: If they say they want to be a rap artist, let them try and see if they can do what it takes. To be a rapper they will need to work for 2-3 years for free to get their message out there and getting recordings done, and they will probably need to have a part time job to support themselves. They will usually figure out on their own that they really don’t want to be a rapper after all.Advice to parents: If you try to stand in their way, you will get nothing but friction. Get rid of the fight! Ask them what they want.Build RapportThe best thing you can do is build a rapport with your children. Find out what they want and help them with that. Stop trying to force them to do specific things and get to know them.If you are still struggling with your teen, what do you do then?Ask for HelpParents see their kids as a reflection of them, and they don’t want anyone knowing what is going on in their home–this is human nature.You are dealing with God’s most complex creatures and they have free will. These kids want things that are different than you probably want for them.If your child needs to go to a hospital, it is okay. So, ask for help.Brad has had to send his kids to counselors.There is a magic to the third party. Often counselors teach the exact same thing that you are trying to teach in the home, but the kids need to hear it from a third party before it clicks.Final Tip Dealing With TeensBrad gave up a long time ago trying to find techniques that work with teens because each teen is different.The key here is to have a consistent structure in your home. They have a model they use that they call “Parenting with flexible consistency.”The important thing here is that you do what you say you are going to do. You have to follow through on what you say you are going to do. So, take the time and decide what the consequence is going to be before you talk to your teen about it. If you don’t follow through, that is where you lose trust with your kids.“Consistency is the key.”Health IssuesBack in 2008, Brad started having these really bad headaches and pressure behind his left eye. He visited his doctor and they prescribed him muscle relaxers and said it was probably due to stress. But the headaches didn’t get any better.He tried to relax, but then his brother died, and the headaches were still pounding. He returned to his doctor and said, “Something is wrong.”The doctor simply thought he had a really bad migraine. It was Friday, so the doctor gave him a shot of something that was supposed to knock him out all weekend.Well, the shot didn’t make him sleep all weekend and by Monday he returned to his doctor who immediately wanted to send him to the hospital. Brad fought him, because they didn’t even have insurance at the time, but he eventually went once his doctor threatened him.There is Something in Your HeadAfter four hours of testing the doctors came back and said, “There is something in your head.” But they didn’t know what it was. Brad still wasn’t worried at this point.The doctors finally told him, Brad, you have got to get up to the University of Utah hospital. We just don’t know what this is, and you need to get that figured out.He refused to go by ambulance and so his wife took him up to the University of Utah hospital after stopping at home for some clothes. Brad still wasn’t worried.When they went to the ER there were like 150 people waiting and Brad felt frustrated because he didn’t want to be there all night. He wanted to get checked out and go home.No sooner had he sat down then they called his name. That was when he got scared. The doctors were waiting for him, and told him they were going to have to drill some holes in his head to figure out what was happening.Losing His EyesightSo, Brad was in surgery for 4 hours. When he came out of it, his eyesight was gone.When he asked the doctors what had happened, they told him they had to cut some of his skull out because there was an infection or brain abscess up there. It was actually a strep virus and it was growing and pushing his brain forward.He then asked, “Am I going to get my sight back?” There was silence. He asked again and the doctor simply said, “Brad, we don’t know.”Brad hit a low and had a good cry. He muttered prayers,“What am I doing wrong? Why am I going through this? Why does this have to happen to me?”“God is in charge,” was the only answer that seemed to come to mind. He just had to repeat that over and over and over. It was the only thing that brought him comfort.He was discouraged because he was to the point where he was finally building his business back up when he was hit by this HUGE blow!By the end of the week he could kind of tell who was standing in front of him (if he knew them), but everything was still blurry. So, they sent him home from the hospital, but he had to return to the hospital two times per day for a shot of antibiotics because the strep infection was everywhere in his body.The doctors didn’t tell him until later that if he didn’t make it through that initial phase that he would have died. They just didn’t know if his immune system was strong enough to fight such a huge infection.ComplicationsAfter being home for two weeks, the Brad got this really bad headache and the back of his neck got really tight and he began vomiting. He was in so much pain!They had to call an ambulance and they took him back to the hospital in Tooele.The pain was so bad that Brad asked them to kill him because nothing helped. Nothing could knock him out. Nothing would touch the pain.They finally gave him some morphine and asked if he was still in pain. Brad answered, “Yes, but I don’t care.”Ah, the beauty of modern medicine!Spinal MeningitisBrad traveled by ambulance back to the University of Utah where he was diagnosed with Spinal Meningitis. The infection in his brain had gone down into his spine.This was so painful and no pain killers would help. Brad couldn’t move his head at all. If he moved even a quarter of an inch he felt like a huge shock of pain.He had 5 IVs hooked up to him and began making little baby steps of progress. One day he was able to move his head right and left just a little without pain. The next day he could move it front and back a little.Finally the infection moved down into his low back for 7 days, and then they were finally able to take him off of all the medication.Only then did he find out how precarious his situation was.Lessons Learned From ChallengesLesson #1 God is in chargeBrad just said that over and over. It was his mantra. It is important to learn to trust that God’s way is better than ours.Lesson #2 Pray SpecificallyBrad also learned to pray and ask specific questions. For example when he was in so much pain, Brad would pray, “What can I do to alleviate this pain.” The thought would come, “Shift your left hip.” And he would and it would lessen the pain.There were a couple of times when the answer was, “No. You are just going to have to endure it, but I’ll help you through it.” And Brad would feel these warm arms wrap around him and he knew that everything would be okay.“God will help us with anything no matter how small it is if we will just humble ourselves and ask.”Lesson #3 Earthly AngelsBrad was just getting his business going when all of these health challenges hit. He was discouraged and prayed to God telling him how he had lost his sight and was worried about he could provide for his family.The feeling he got was, “Brad, I’m right here. Everything is going to be okay.”Amazingly, other people did more work on Brad’s business while he was flat on his back. This was a miracle! He had other therapists volunteer to help and see his clients for him.Brad realized God was right, everything was going to be okay and that things would work out in God’s timing, not his.Lesson #4 Ask for What You NeedOne time when they were struggling, Brad was praying for more money. It was around Christmas time and he knew he had money coming in about 3 weeks but they had no gas in the car, no food in the pantry.Brad had a prompting, “Tell God what you need.”He and his wife then make a list of everything they needed to make it the next three weeks. They decided that if they had $100 they could make it through.So, Brad prayed for $100.Five minutes later there was a knock at the door. His wife’s best friend was there and she handed them an envelope saying, “I had a prompting I am supposed to bring you this and don’t you dare say no.” In the envelope, they found $100 dollars.Lesson # 5–Pride Can Be Needing Help and Not Asking For ItAt a dark time in his life, Brad was putting on a face like everything was okay, when really he was falling apart inside. His Bishop called him in and said, “You need to tell me something and we are not leaving until you do.” Finally Brad broke down and told him how much he was struggling financially.The bishop surprised him and asked, “Brad, what is pride?” Brad responded that pride was when people look down on others and kind of turn their nose up.The bishop then explained that pride can also be when you need help and you don’t ask for it. Sometimes we are incapable of answering our own prayers and that is when God sends other people.It is important to humbly accept gifts and blessings during tough times. You don’t have to pay people back. Simply say, “Thank you.”“God answers your prayers through other people. Get on your knees and thank Heavenly Father, because He is the one who brought it to you.”Lesson #6 ASK: What Can I Learn from This?After years of experience wondering why God was punishing him, Brad listened to a motivational speaker who taught him a new idea. He said, “Life teaches us lessons, and the lessons are going to get harder and harder until we learn what the universe has in store for us.” Brad chose to call this higher power God.This speaker also said that once we learn the lesson, the trial disappears. So, naturally Brad wanted to test this theory.So, the next time a situation presented itself, Brad coached himself to not get angry about the situation and ask, “What do you want me to learn from this?” Then listen to the promptings God sends you.This brought him more peace of mind because he was focusing on the journey and not on the issue.Lesson # 7 Act on PromptingsWe get promptings all day long, but we often shrug them off saying, “Naw, I don’t want to do that.” And we just don’t act on these thoughts and feelings God gives us.Brad describes promptings as a “random thought that pops into my head.” Brad will often pause after he gets a thought and ask himself the following questions:Is this just me thinking or is this a prompting?Is this something I need right now?If I do this will it make a difference in my life?Brad thinks about these questions trying to feel out if it feels good. Then he asks God, “Father I’ve been given this prompting, is this something I should do?” If he gets a warm feeling, then he goes and does it.Favorite Bible VersesPsalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.”Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength.”“God is in charge. He sees things that I don’t see.”Brad has also come to love some scriptural references about Jesus Christ who has experienced everything–being betrayed and accused (even though He didn’t do anything wrong) because he can relate to this in his life.He also enjoys the story of Job and remembers reading it once and relating with the idea that Job had his crops and cattle taken away. Then he realized that Job had boils but Brad hadn’t so he told God, “Bring on the boils.”I reminded him that he kind of had a boil in his brain, so he can check that off now:).Recommended BooksBibleDr. Wayne Dyer’s “You’ll See it When You Believe it.”Tip: Pray about what you should read because there are so many different opinions out there. First figure out what you believe, and then read books that support and validate your beliefs.Brad spent the first 8 years of his career chasing the quick fix to help people change their lives in one or two counseling sessions. After 8 years he realized that we don’t learn and change that way. We learn and grow “line upon line” and “precept upon precept” (Isaiah 28:10). That is just how God teaches us. So, take the time, be patient, learn it and make it part of your life.Shareable QuotesContact BradWebsite: www.bradjneufeld.comHis Company: Affinity Guidance ServicesThis is a day-treatment facility for troubled teens. They work with your kids during the day and they come home at night. This is in the Utah County Area.Email: [email protected]

Tamara K. Anderson interviews Sarah Gowans on the Stories of Hope in Hard Times podcast. After a bike crash, Sarah’s daughter was diagnosed with kidney disease, and then her marriage fell apart. She shares lessons on survival with God’s help.Sarah Gowans: Lessons from a Bike Crash, Kidney Disease, and DivorceBioSometimes people have periods of their life that seem to follow the saying,“when it rains, it pours.” Sarah Gowans had 3 years (2009-2012) where things seemed to go from bad to worse. First, she was hit by a car while riding her bike, then her daughter almost died from Kidney disease, and while she was helping her daughter recover her husband told her he no longer wanted to be married.Sarah is a wife and mother of 5 daughtersShe has been studying health and wellness for over 10 years.Sarah is a Licensed Massage Therapist and a member of the American Footzonology® Practitioners Association.She has presented on health, relationships, and lifestyle on radio, and other various events.Sarah is a lover of nature, hiking, running, cycling, and water and snow skiing, yoga, and strength training.She is an avid reader.She also spends time each day meditating and connecting with her spirit and God.Bike CrashSarah had a car turn in front of her while she was biking and hit the car with her head, shoulders and face. It was the most painful thing she had experienced up to that point. Miraculously she didn’t break any bones, but did chip some teeth, had a big gash and some pretty sore.This was her little wake-up call, even though Sarah didn’t know it yet. Life was about to change for her and it was time to do some growing.First Lessons LearnedWork with your healthcare practitioners to help you take care of body especially when you go through physical trauma.Prioritize taking care of your body because you need your health to keep going.Sarah feels like the pain and recovery she experienced after the bike crash was physical pain, whereas the pain she would soon experience was more emotional and spiritual pain. She explained that if she had to pick between physical pain and emotional pain, she would pick physical pain every time.Daughter with Kidney FailureOne day Sarah noticed that her 7-year-old daughter Halle looked heavier all of the sudden. A few days later as she went to help her bathe, she noticed even more that her body just looked swollen. Halle’s ankles, stomach and even eyelids were swollen, and Sarah knew this wasn’t normal.So, she took her to the doctor who did some blood and urine tests to see if they could figure out what was wrong. The doctor called them to come back when the tests were done and had them come right back into his office instead of going to the waiting room. That was Sarah’s first clue that something was really wrong.The pediatrician told them there was something wrong with Halle’s kidneys, and because he had studied with a nephrologist (kidney doctor) at one point he was able to recognize the signs and symptoms before she got worse. He said he believed their daughter had Minimal Change Disease.What is Minimal Change Disease?Minimal Change Disease is a disease of the kidneys. The first thing to know is that kidneys are supposed to filter waste out of our blood several times per day. Kidneys are supposed to leave proteins in the blood, but Halle’s kidneys were filtering the protein out and it was spilling over into her urine. This causes edema, or swelling.The reason it is called Minimal Change Disease is that if you were to compare a healthy kidney biopsy and with a diseased kidney biopsy under a regular microscope, they would look the same. It isn’t until you look at the biopsies under an electron microscope where you can see that the filters aren’t working. This is why it is called Minimal Change Disease–because you can’t see a change under a regular microscope.Blessings and TreatmentThe fact that their pediatrician diagnosed Halle correctly quickly was the first blessing Sarah noted because often patients go undiagnosed for many weeks while doctors urge their patients to change their diets and try other remedies. The wait is not good for the kidneys.They ended up going to a nephrologist up at the University of Utah, and the doctors gave Halle a good prognosis. They thought they’d be able to manage the disease with steroids.Sarah realized how serious this was when she took her first prescription of Prednisone to be filled at the pharmacy and the pharmacist looked at the prescription and told her the doctor must have made a mistake because that dose was way too high for a 7-year-old girl. Sarah just burst into tears because she knew it wasn’t written incorrectly–it had to be a high dose to kick Halle’s kidneys into gear.They were hopeful that these massive doses of steroids would help her kidneys and decrease the swelling that was so painful. As they started the high dose it would decrease the swelling, but the doctors didn’t want to keep her at such a high dose, so they would then taper her down, and the swelling would increase again. So it was a cycle for several months up and down.Prayers Don’t WorkOne night in particular, Halle came to them in tears begging that they would help her because it felt like there were knives in her legs. Of course as a mom, Sarah wanted so badly to just take the pain away.Sarah grew up believing in God and so it was natural for her to turn to God and pray with Halle for relief from the pain. Unfortunately even with the prayers the pain didn’t decrease. Halle eventually just cried herself to sleep. This went on for a while and it was so hard for Sarah to watch her daughter suffer.After several cycles and Halle coming to her for comfort and prayers, Halle finally told Sarah, “Mom, we’ve said prayers. Prayers don’t work. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t help.” Sarah’s heart sank, but she knew her daughter was right. Prayer wasn’t changing anything yet she didn’t want Halle to lose her faith so young.Crisis of FaithThat night Sarah went to her knees and prayed for help. She was almost to the point of losing faith herself. It was a crisis of faith for her. She had believed in God her whole life and her life had been pretty good so far. This was the hardest trial she had experienced until that point.She began to wonder if God really was there. Her child could be dying and she was doing the best that she could. It seemed like God was silent.Sarah began to wonder what she really believed. Did she believe that God really did answer prayers even when He was silent?Sarah wondered how much faith she really had if this was all it took to knock her off the rails. She came to the conclusion that either she had faith or she didn’t. She knew she didn’t feel God right then, but decided she could choose faith or not.She decided to choose faith.What Helped Sarah Choose Faith?When I asked Sarah what made her choose faith she said it was a combination of a few things:It was deeply ingrained in her soul that God lived. She had been taught that since she was little.Sarah also remembered times in the past where she knew that God had answered her prayers. She had also had experiences where she knew God was there.She decided she knew her faith was deeper than her doubts, and she thinks that is because she chose to read her scriptures, pray, and do things to bring her closer to God for many years.Finally–An AnswerAfter Sarah made the decision to choose faith, she prayed for some kind of answer to know what to tell Halle so she didn’t lose faith. The answer didn’t come right away, but as she was reading in her scriptures the next day the answer finally came.Sarah was reading about a people that were in bondage and were slaves and they cried unto God because the burden was too heavy. God told them that He would make their burdens light so that they could continue to carry the heavy load.This was her answer. The answer wasn’t that God would take the burden away. The answer was that God would make them stronger so they could carry the burden. She realized then that this was part of her journey and Halle’s journey to make them both stronger and it wasn’t right for her to try to pray that away.So, Sarah knew she needed to change her prayer that God would strengthen them to bear their burden. This was hard because as a parent she wanted to take her daughter’s burden away. Sarah didn’t want to see Halle suffer, but she also knew now that she needed to be strong for her.So, Sarah took Halle aside and taught her God’s answer and that they did need to change their prayer that she would be strengthened as she carried her burden. It was a powerful teaching moment for her and Halle to realize that God is there and He answers their prayers.This lesson is applicable to all of us who struggle and want our burdens taken away. Sometimes we just need to change our prayer and ask God to help make us stronger so we can bear the challenge.Other Lessons from Kidney DiseaseDon’t blow up the problem in your mind and make it worse than it is. We sometimes imagine the worst case scenario and then spend so much time worrying that is going to happen, when it doesn’t.Halle was prayed over or “blessed” several times and told she would be okay. And then she would relapse and Sarah would wonder why she wasn’t okay. Sarah learned that God’s timing is not our timing and that truly in the end Halle was okay, but just not as quickly as Sarah hoped she would be.So Sarah developed patience as she learned to trust in God and his timing (even though it just wasn’t as fast as she had hoped it would be.) Never pray for patience, by the way. God seems to know we need patience and He gives us ample opportunities to develop it over days, weeks and years. These growing pains take time, and we need to allow God to work and change our insides.To conclude this part of the story, Halle went through several more cycles over the next 5 years and even had to try chemotherapy to finally get her kidneys to respond normally. She hasn’t had a relapse since she was 12-years-old.Marital Challenges & DivorceSarah was in the car accident in August 2009, Halle began having kidney problems in September, and then in January 2010 her husband came to her and said. “I don’t think I love you anymore and I don’t want to be married anymore.”This happened right as she was taking care of her daughter, getting up in the middle of the night to give her medication.This was devastating to Sarah! She was shocked and surprised!She told him that they could do this and she was willing to go to counseling.Counseling“Never in my mind was divorce an option for me” Sarah admitted.So, they started going to counseling. But he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be married–he was kind of on the fence.Finally their counselor told him, “I cannot counsel someone who isn’t sure if they want to be married or not. So, you need to decide. Either you are in or you are out. If you are in, then I can counsel you. If you’re not sure, there is nothing I can do.”So, he stopped going to counseling because he needed time to think about this decision. Meanwhile, Sarah kept going to counseling so she could deal with the situation.So, they lived in limbo for about a year. Living is limbo is so hard! Anyone who has ever been paralyzed by this type of indecision of not knowing how things will turn out knows how hard this is.“If you are waiting and you can’t move forward, it is hard!” Sarah commented.Sarah now feels that this “limbo” time gave her time to work on herself.Her counselor recommended a book called, The Road Less Traveled, which started an inner journey for her. “Regardless of whether my marriage worked out or not, I needed to work on me.” Lesson: Putting God FirstSarah came to realize through this journey that she depended on her husband for her happiness and security, and that at times she even placed him before God. And that wasn’t how it was supposed to be.“That is one of the things I came to realize, that I need to rely more on God and less on man. It is crucial that God is first in our lives,” Sarah emphasized.So, Sarah was able to develop true faith and trust in God. She had to ask herself, if her husband were gone, would she still have faith in God?Sarah came to realize that she could not control her husband. She could only control herself and her decisions and actions.She spent this year, strengthening her faith, strengthening her character, figuring out who she really was as a daughter of God.Here are the 6 Things Sarah Did to Deepen Her Relationship With GodShe spent time in prayer: “I really learned during that time to talk to Heavenly Father instead of just saying a prayer.”Reading the book The Road Less Traveled, helped guide her on this journey.Sarah learned to meditate–meditates means she cleared out the negative, and said positive affirmations.She also learned to study her scriptures looking for answers instead of just reading them to check a box in her head.Sarah also thought about and found things to be grateful for–and thanked God for these things.She also found great value in being still.Up until this point, Sarah lived the gospel of Jesus Christ in her head. She knew it was good and right, but it wasn’t in her heart.Favorite Bible VersePhilippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ…” became Sarah’s favorite scripture through all of these trials because she knew she couldn’t do it on my own. It was too big. She needed Him!Lesson: ForgivnessSarah shared the story of how it was hard for her to be able to forgive when the pain was so deep. She tells the story of knowing a meeting was coming up where she would have to face someone she knew she needed to forgive, but it was just so very heavy. She knew she couldn’t do it on her own.Finally, in desperation, Sarah dropped to her knees and told God how she wanted to forgive this person but needed and begged for help. She said she was putting out the intention and desire to forgive, but the burden of the pain seemed to big to be able to overcome on her own.What happened during the meeting was a miracle, “Christ came in and took my heart and He put His heart in my heart. and I just melted and I genuinely wanted to give that person a hug and tell them ‘I forgive you.’ It was not me. It was Christ stepping in and doing what I could not do on my own.”Sarah said there are some people like Corrie Ten Boom in The Hiding Place who went through so much worse in a concentration camp, but she too had a miraculous experience where she was able to forgive.You don’t have to carry pain and sorrow and heavy burdens on our own–turn it over to God.Tip: Forgive sooner versus later so you don’t have to carry it around so long.Lesson: There is Great Power in Good MusicThere were times when Sarah didn’t think she could go any further, even with God’s help. She felt very lonely.There were three songs she played repeatedly when she was in despair:Sarah’s Dark Days Playlist“Strong Enough” by Matthew West“When Faith Endures” by Alex Boyé“Beautiful Heartbreak” by Hilary Weeks“When you are given a heavy burden that is hard to bear, let music help lift you,” Sarah advised.Cut out the yucky music and media and replace it with positive and uplifting music. It will cheer you up and help you keep going.Lesson: Journaling and CounselingIt is important to process things that are heavy either in writing or talking it out or perhaps doing a bit of both.One counselor, Andrea Carver, taught Sarah to keep both a dark notebook and a light notebook. You write your dark, negative thoughts in the dark one and your positive thoughts in the light one.Get those negative thoughts out of your head. Don’t give them power–write them down. Get them out and then heal.An important thing to remember is to write two light thoughts for every dark thought.If you aren’t a writer, go to a therapist and get the negative stuff out that way.You do need to process all of the change and the hard things, and talking to a friend or therapist will help you do that. Journaling will also help you process your tough times.Be patient with yourself. Sarah had a point where she chanted the mantra, “I have to be like Christ, I have to be like Christ,” but then it dawned on her, “but I’m not Christ.”Be kind to yourself. Be like Christ, but remember we don’t have to be Him.Be human. Be where you are with the intention of improving.Contact Sarahwww.becomingme.bizAlthough Sarah is not currently working, this website has her info where people can reach out and find her.Shareable Thoughts & Memes