Resilient Kid: Therapy and tips for raising strong kids and teens

Where does calm actually come from in a classroom? Not from a poster. In this half-term episode, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello explores co-regulation: why the adult's nervous system is the most powerful regulation tool in the room.

She shares simple breathing and movement tools to practise with your class, and asks educators to turn some of that care on themselves. This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners.

In this episode:

• Co-regulation: why your calm (and your stress) is contagious
• Leo, wet play, and Mrs Walsh's five seconds
• Connection before correction, and emotion coaching in action
• The toolkit: breathing, movement, and calm corners children choose
• Your own window of tolerance, and a small half-term ask
• Try it when you go back: "sniff, sniff, sigh" and the after-lunch shakeout

Sniff, sniff, sigh (the physiological sigh):

• 1. Sniff in through the nose: quick breath in
• 2. Sniff again, on top: fill right up
• 3. Sigh out slowly through the mouth: longer than the breath in
• Repeat 2–3 times, and practise it when everyone's calm

Next week: Supporting children through grief and loss, ahead of Children's Grief Awareness Week.

Find out more & Links:

• An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist
• The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services
• A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI
• Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup
• Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/

Follow us on Social Media:

• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid
• Email: [email protected]

This episode draws on the work of Megan Gunnar (co-regulation and cortisol), Stephen Porges (polyvagal theory), John Gottman (emotion coaching), Matthew Lieberman (affect labelling), and Dr Daniel Siegel ("name it to tame it").

The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.

What if the child who's hardest to teach is telling you something important? In the last week before half-term, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello asks one question that changes how we respond to behaviour.

She explores the iceberg beneath what we see, why "attention-seeking" is often connection-seeking, and what to do in the moment when you have no idea why a child is struggling. This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners.

In this episode:

• One question that changes everything: "What is this behaviour telling me?"
• The iceberg model, and why rewards and sanctions bounce off a flipped lid
• Joe and the book on the floor: attention-seeking or connection-seeking?
• Children do well if they can: behaviour as a lagging skill
• Before the storm: the relational bank account and early warning signs
• Try it tomorrow: the iceberg pause, and a four-step response for when you don't know why

When you don't know why: four steps

• 1. Calm voice: slow it down, take a breath, drop your shoulders
• 2. Fewer demands: in the storm, ask less, not more
• 3. Stay close, but not too close: get down to their level, slightly to the side
• 4. Name what you see, without judgement: "Something feels really hard right now, and I'm here"

Next week: Calm is contagious. Co-regulation, practical tools for breathing, movement and calm corners, and a half-term look at your own wellbeing.

Find out more & Links:

• Hand model of the brain video: https://youtu.be/5i9tZ5jtiTI
• An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist
• The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services
• A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI
• Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup
• Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/

Follow us on Social Media:

• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid
• Email: [email protected]

"Children do well if they can" and lagging skills draw on the work of Dr Ross Greene.

The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.

Why can a child manage their phonics on Tuesday but not on Monday morning? Following World Mental Health Day, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello takes educators inside the developing brain.

She explains why a stressed child can't learn, what "flipping your lid" really means, and how a predictable routine can keep more children in their learning zone. This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners.

In this episode:

• Why the thinking brain is still under construction until the mid to late twenties
• The upstairs and downstairs brain, and why logic doesn't work mid-meltdown
• Fight, flight, and freeze, and a fourth response that hides in plain sight (fawning)
• The hand model: a simple way to explain flipping your lid to children
• The window of tolerance, and why every child's window is a different size
• Alfie and the bin: rethinking Monday mornings
• Try it tomorrow: teach the hand model, and build a Monday soft landing

The hand model in four steps:

• 1. Thumb across the palm: the downstairs brain, your feelings and smoke alarm
• 2. Fingers folded over the top: the upstairs brain, your thinking brain, looking after your feelings
• 3. Fingers flip up: big feelings have flipped your lid
• 4. Fold them back down slowly: with breathing, movement, quiet, and a calm grown-up

Next week: What behaviour is trying to tell us. The iceberg beneath the behaviour, and why "attention-seeking" may be the most misunderstood phrase in education.

Find out more & Links:

• Hand model of the brain video: https://youtu.be/SnBx9AKMsLc?si=NWgLzel8zkB_XKUJ
• An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist
• The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services
• A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI
• Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup
• Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/

Follow us on Social Media:

• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid
• Email: [email protected]

The upstairs/downstairs brain, hand model, and window of tolerance draw on the work of Dr Daniel Siegel.

The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.

Why are so many children arriving at school already in survival mode, and what can educators actually do about it?

In the first episode of The Resilient Classroom, psychotherapist and neurodiversity practitioner Ashley Costello shares the story of the lion in the attic, looks at how childhood has changed, and introduces GROW: a simple, honest framework for turning mistakes into the place where resilience is built.

This six-part series is for primary teachers, teaching assistants, SENCOs, and pastoral staff. It draws on Ashley's new book, An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners.

In this episode:

• The lion in the attic, and why so many children arrive in fight or flight
• What has changed: lost micro-moments of independence, the shrinking village, and the removal of everyday risk
• What resilience is (bouncing forward) and what it is not (toughness, the absence of struggle, or a fixed trait)
• Psychological safety: the foundation the book's ten components of resilience stand on
• Isla and the screwed-up page: GROW in action
• Try it tomorrow: GROW on the wall and "Let's GROW this"

The GROW framework:

• G – Getting it wrong: the attempt is the point
• R – Reflecting: what happened, what did I notice, what did I feel?
• O – Owning it: responsibility without shame
• W – Working it out: what will I try next?

Next week: The brain that walks into your classroom. Upstairs and downstairs brain, the hand model, and why Mondays can be the hardest day.

Find out more & Links:

• An Educator's Guide to Raising Resilient Learners (Waitlist): https://theresilienthub.co.uk/educators-guide-waitlist
• The Resilient School training and consultancy: https://theresilientschool.co.uk/trs-services
• A Parents' Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid: https://amzn.eu/d/0196zmiI
• Newsletter sign-up: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/newsletter-signup
• Main website: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/

Follow us on Social Media:

• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid
• Email: [email protected]

The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.

"The slow way back is generally the fast way home." — Ashley Costello

WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT
In this series finale, psychotherapist Ashley Costello brings everything together into a practical, evidence-based framework for building a successful school return. Moving away from quick fixes, Ashley details the UK "graduated approach" (Assess, Plan, Do, Review), the science of gradual exposure, legal/SEND rights (Section 19 & EHCPs), and side-by-side examples of primary pupil Zara and teenager Noah.

⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS
• 00:00 — Final Episode Setup
• 02:09 — Graduated Return Framework
• 02:32 — Assess, Plan, Do, Review
• 07:19 — Why Gradual Works
• 09:09 — Legal & SEND Support Options
• 10:35 — Week by Week Return Plan
• 14:52 — Zara vs Noah Examples
• 17:36 — Bigger Picture Encouragement
• 19:44 — Series Wrap & Next Steps

📋 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS & TEACHERS
1. Follow Assess, Plan, Do, Review: Don't skip assessment or rush to solutions. Uncover the underlying function first.
2. Start Smaller Than Feels Comfortable: Begin exposure with steps that feel almost too small (e.g., 10-min quiet visit).
3. Know Legal Rights: Section 19 requires local authorities to provide suitable education after 15 days of health absence.
4. Maintain Consistent Support: Don't withdraw support the moment attendance starts improving.
5. Short Home-School Check-Ins: Keep brief, regular check-ins between parents and staff to track trajectory.

📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES
• SEND Code of Practice: Graduated approach framework
• UK EBSA Review (2025): Analysis of 48 LA EBSA guidance docs
• Lincolnshire/Lancashire/Bucks: EBSA return pathways
• C.A. Kearney & W.K. Silverman: Functional model of school refusal
• Education Act 1996 (Sec 19): Alternative education duty
• SEND and You: EBSA FAQs & EHCP guidance
• Anna Freud Centre: annafreud.org | YoungMinds: youngminds.org.uk

🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCES
• Lounge: theresilienthub.co.uk/lms/courses/listeners-lounge

• Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk
• Newsletter: Join our newsletter
• Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon
• Teachers' Waitlist: Email [email protected]
• Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn

Produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.

The Resilient Kid Podcast
Season 12: The Anxiety Behind the Absence — Episode 3 of 4: The Ones Who Stop Showing Up

"The loudest sign of school avoidance is often silence... With a teen, the bedroom door stays shut." — Ashley Costello

WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT
Focusing on secondary students and teenagers, this episode explores how anxiety and school avoidance manifest in older pupils. Using 14-year-old Noah's story, Ashley Costello reveals how teen EBSA presents through silence, social masking, and isolation. Learn about social evaluation anxiety, post-pandemic statistics (27% affected), and 5 practical strategies to rebuild connection while respecting autonomy.

⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS
• 00:00 — Intro & Disclaimer
• 00:32 — Silent Signs of Avoidance & Masking
• 01:59 — Noah's Story: The PE Incident
• 04:51 — Why Teens Avoid School & Post-Pandemic Data
• 07:00 — Social Evaluation Anxiety & Peer Brain Wiring
• 11:17 — 5 Practical Strategies for Parents & Teachers
• 14:37 — Noah’s Support Plan & Autonomy
• 18:36 — Progress & School Coordination
• 20:19 — Reaching the Quiet Ones
• 22:13 — Wrap Up & Next Episode Teaser

📋 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS & TEACHERS
1. Ask Concrete Specifics: Skip broad "How are you?" questions. Ask about specific lessons or review the timetable together.
2. Follow Up on Small Comments: Throwaway mentions like "I hate PE" are often tips of bigger issues. Revisit gently later.
3. Respect Autonomy & Boundaries: Explore what screens provide (safety/escape) and carefully rebuild real-life connections.
4. Get Specific with School: Identify exact triggers (cold-calling, PE) so pastoral staff can implement tailored adaptations.
5. Communicate Side-by-Side: Talk while walking, driving, or via text to make sharing less confrontational for teens.

📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES
• Stem4: Youth mental health data on teen EBSA (27%)
• BPS (2024): Rethinking school avoidance & secondary transition
• C.A. Kearney: Functional model of school avoidance
• Halidu & Kotera (2024): Adolescent social anxiety study
• Norway Longitudinal Study: Social anxiety & school completion
• BERJ (2025): McDonald et al., EBSA review
• Anna Freud Centre: annafreud.org | YoungMinds: youngminds.org.uk

🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCES
• Lounge: theresilienthub.co.uk/lms/courses/listeners-lounge

• Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk
• Newsletter: Join our newsletter
• Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon
• Teachers' Waitlist: Email [email protected]
• Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn

Produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.

"The goal is not to eliminate every moment of distress... The goal is to build patiently, predictably, the lived evidence that they can be separated and still survive, that they can do hard things." — Ashley Costello

WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT
Focusing on primary-aged children (Reception to Year 6), this episode explores how anxiety and emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA) manifest in younger pupils. Using seven-year-old Zara's story, Ashley Costello breaks down separation anxiety (affecting 3–5% of children), sensory overwhelm, and why staying home reinforces avoidance. Learn 5 gate-ready strategies to support children through manageable separation.

⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS
• 00:00 — Intro: Primary Anxiety & School Avoidance
• 02:25 — Zara’s Story: The Morning Spiral & Fears
• 04:57 — Separation Anxiety & Avoidance Mechanics
• 08:49 — Classroom Overwhelm & School Supports
• 10:59 — 5 Gate-Ready Tips for Parents & Teachers
• 14:33 — Zara’s Plan in Action: Predictable Rituals
• 17:30 — Navigating Parent Guilt & "Snowplough" Instincts
• 20:06 — Looking Ahead: Teaser for Teen Anxiety

📋 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS & TEACHERS
1. Keep Goodbyes Short: Practice a brief, consistent routine (e.g., "See you at half-past three"). Long goodbyes increase distress.
2. Concrete Bounded Connection: Use pocket comfort objects or lunchbox notes instead of open-ended phone calls.
3. Safe Space with Boundaries: Set up a calm classroom "pit stop" with clear time limits focused on returning to class.
4. Validate Without Confirming Fears: Don't promise "nothing bad will happen." Say: "I see you're worried, but I know you can do hard things."
5. Act Early: Address early warning signs like Sunday night worries immediately with the school team.

📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES
• Separation Anxiety Disorder: Clinical features & PMC review
• Christopher A. Kearney: Functional model of school avoidance
• Education Gateshead: Primary separation anxiety guidance
• BERJ (2025): McDonald et al., review of EBSA interventions
• Anna Freud Centre: EBSA guidance & resources
• NHS: Separation anxiety support in children

🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCES
Access exclusive guides, worksheets, and listener-only tools:
• Lounge: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/trh-courses/listeners-lounge

🔗 USEFUL LINKS & CONNECT WITH US
• Our Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk
• Newsletter: Join our mailing list
• Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon
• Teachers’ Guide Waitlist: Email [email protected]
• Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn

Produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.

WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT
For many families, the school gate is a battlefield. Whether it's a child refusing to undo their seatbelt, Sunday night stomach aches, or a teen who won't leave their room, emotionally-based school avoidance (EBSA) is a growing crisis. In this episode, psychotherapist Ashley Costello explains the neurological mechanisms of avoidance, how reassurance can feed anxiety, and how push/pull factors dictate behavior. Through the stories of Zara (7) and Noah (14), you'll learn how EBSA presents across ages and how to find the true function behind the absence.

⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS
• 00:00 — Intro: The School Gate Battlefield
• 02:15 — Understanding EBSA (School Avoidance)
• 04:30 — Zara & Noah's Stories
• 07:15 — The Functional Model of Avoidance
• 10:15 — Negative Reinforcement: The Paradox of Avoidance
• 12:45 — The "Push & Pull" Framework
• 15:00 — 5 Top Tips for Parents & Teachers
• 19:30 — Coordinated 360 Plan & Next Steps

📋 TOP TIPS
1. Track Patterns: Stomach/headaches are real. If they cluster on school mornings, look at the school environment. Rule out medical issues first.
2. Quiet is Not Coping: Compliant, withdrawn children who stay invisible are often struggling just as much as those with loud distress.
3. Resist Over-Reassurance: Telling them "nothing bad will happen" can feed anxiety. Validate instead: "I see you're worried. I know you can do this. You can do hard things."
4. Act Early: Full-scale avoidance is harder to reverse once established. Intervene on day three, not month three.
5. Connect Fast: Sit down with the school's pastoral team early. A joint 360 plan is the only way to balance push and pull factors.

📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES
• Anna Freud Centre: EBSA guidance & definitions
• Kearney & Silverman: Functional model of school refusal (1990)
• Halligan & Cryer (2022): UK EBSA estimates
• DfE: England pupil absence stats
• West Sussex/Camden EPS: Push/pull frameworks
• Children's Commissioner: School absence reports
• BERJ (2025): McDonald et al., review of EBSA interventions

🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCES
Access exclusive guides, worksheets, and listener-only tools:
• Lounge: resilientacademy.co.uk/lounge
• 📺 Watch on YouTube | 📻 Listen on Spotify

🔗 USEFUL LINKS & CONNECT
• Our Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk
• Newsletter: Join our newsletter
• Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon
• Teachers’ Guide Waitlist: Email [email protected]
• Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn

Produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.

The Resilient Kid Podcast | Season 11, Episode 10

The final and most direct episode of Season 11. For young people aged 16+, we talk honestly about what sex is, healthy sex, pornography, contraception, STIs, readiness, consent and making choices that feel right for you.

For parents: please listen before sharing with your teenager. It is explicit in places and intentionally so.

For young people aged 16 and over. Includes direct discussion of sex, pornography, contraception and STIs. If you are under 16, Episodes 7, 8 and 9 are made for you.

00:00 Age Guidance and Intent
01:04 Season Finale Setup
01:54 What Sex Really Is
03:42 What Healthy Sex Looks Like
06:37 Porn vs Reality
10:21 Contraception Basics
14:31 STIs and Testing
17:02 First Time and Readiness
19:05 Season Takeaways
20:42 Wrap Up and Resources

Healthy sex: both people genuinely want to be there, can stop at any time, communicate, and know that both people's pleasure and wellbeing matter.

Pornography: a performance, not a guide to real bodies, consent, pleasure, intimacy or what is "normal".

Contraception: condoms are the only contraceptive method that also helps protect against STIs. Other options include the pill, implant, coil, injection and emergency contraception.

STIs: many have no obvious symptoms. Testing is free and confidential, condoms reduce risk, and most STIs can be treated.

Natsal: https://www.natsal.ac.uk/

Brook: https://www.brook.org.uk/

NHS Contraception: https://www.nhs.uk/contraception/

NHS Sexual Health: https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/sexual-health/find-a-sexual-health-clinic

SH:24: https://sh24.org.uk/

Rape Crisis: 0808 500 2222 | https://rapecrisis.org.uk/
Childline: 0800 1111 | https://www.childline.org.uk/
CEOP: https://www.ceop.police.uk/

https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk/lounge

Newsletter: https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/240667/93026367927485942/share

Book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1739302605

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@theresilientkid957

Spotify: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/ashley-costello

Website: https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk

“Consent is not the absence of a no. It is the presence of a yes.”

This episode is for young people aged 13 and over. It talks honestly and directly about consent, relationships, pressure, online safety, intimate image sharing and sextortion. It is designed to help young people recognise what a genuine yes looks like, what pressure can sound like, what to do if something online starts to feel wrong, and where to get help.

For parents: this is a good episode to listen to first, then share with your teenager or use as the starting point for a conversation.

• Everyone involved genuinely wants to be there.
• Nobody is being pressured, guilted or worn down.
• A yes should be real, enthusiastic and freely given.
• Anyone can change their mind at any time.
• Yes to one thing is not yes to everything.
• Yes once is not yes always.

Pressure can sound like: “If you really liked me, you would”, “Everyone else does it”, “You said you would” or “We’ve been together long enough.” Pressure is not consent.

Sending an intimate image does not give anyone permission to share it. Sextortion is when someone uses an intimate image, or the threat of sharing one, to demand money, more images or something else. It is a crime and it is not your fault.

If this happens: do not pay, do not send more images, do not delete the messages, tell a trusted adult immediately and report it.

CEOP: https://ceop.police.uk/
Childline: https://www.childline.org.uk/ | 0800 1111
Revenge Porn Helpline: https://revengepornhelpline.org.uk/ | 0345 6000 459
Internet Watch Foundation: https://www.iwf.org.uk/

If you were pressured, manipulated, someone did not stop when you wanted them to, or you are being threatened with an image, you do not have to deal with it alone. Tell a parent, teacher, trusted adult, coach or another safe person. You are allowed to ask for help.

Rape Crisis England & Wales: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/ | 0808 500 2222
NSPCC: https://www.nspcc.org.uk/ | 0808 800 5000
The Survivors Trust: https://thesurvivorstrust.org/
Brook: https://www.brook.org.uk/

Find more resources here:
https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk/lounge

Website: https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk
Newsletter: https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/240667/93026367927485942/share
Book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1739302605
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/resilientkiduk
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/resilientkid
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@theresilientkid957
Spotify: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/ashley-costello

The Resilient Kid Podcast | Season 11 — The Parent in the Room