"The slow way back is generally the fast way home." — Ashley Costello

WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT
In this series finale, psychotherapist Ashley Costello brings everything together into a practical, evidence-based framework for building a successful school return. Moving away from quick fixes, Ashley details the UK "graduated approach" (Assess, Plan, Do, Review), the science of gradual exposure, legal/SEND rights (Section 19 & EHCPs), and side-by-side examples of primary pupil Zara and teenager Noah.

⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS
• 00:00 — Final Episode Setup
• 02:09 — Graduated Return Framework
• 02:32 — Assess, Plan, Do, Review
• 07:19 — Why Gradual Works
• 09:09 — Legal & SEND Support Options
• 10:35 — Week by Week Return Plan
• 14:52 — Zara vs Noah Examples
• 17:36 — Bigger Picture Encouragement
• 19:44 — Series Wrap & Next Steps

📋 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS & TEACHERS
1. Follow Assess, Plan, Do, Review: Don't skip assessment or rush to solutions. Uncover the underlying function first.
2. Start Smaller Than Feels Comfortable: Begin exposure with steps that feel almost too small (e.g., 10-min quiet visit).
3. Know Legal Rights: Section 19 requires local authorities to provide suitable education after 15 days of health absence.
4. Maintain Consistent Support: Don't withdraw support the moment attendance starts improving.
5. Short Home-School Check-Ins: Keep brief, regular check-ins between parents and staff to track trajectory.

📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES
• SEND Code of Practice: Graduated approach framework
• UK EBSA Review (2025): Analysis of 48 LA EBSA guidance docs
• Lincolnshire/Lancashire/Bucks: EBSA return pathways
• C.A. Kearney & W.K. Silverman: Functional model of school refusal
• Education Act 1996 (Sec 19): Alternative education duty
• SEND and You: EBSA FAQs & EHCP guidance
• Anna Freud Centre: annafreud.org | YoungMinds: youngminds.org.uk

🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCES
• Lounge: theresilienthub.co.uk/lms/courses/listeners-lounge

• Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk
• Newsletter: Join our newsletter
• Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon
• Teachers' Waitlist: Email [email protected]
• Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn

Produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.

The Resilient Kid Podcast
Season 12: The Anxiety Behind the Absence — Episode 3 of 4: The Ones Who Stop Showing Up

"The loudest sign of school avoidance is often silence... With a teen, the bedroom door stays shut." — Ashley Costello

WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT
Focusing on secondary students and teenagers, this episode explores how anxiety and school avoidance manifest in older pupils. Using 14-year-old Noah's story, Ashley Costello reveals how teen EBSA presents through silence, social masking, and isolation. Learn about social evaluation anxiety, post-pandemic statistics (27% affected), and 5 practical strategies to rebuild connection while respecting autonomy.

⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS
• 00:00 — Intro & Disclaimer
• 00:32 — Silent Signs of Avoidance & Masking
• 01:59 — Noah's Story: The PE Incident
• 04:51 — Why Teens Avoid School & Post-Pandemic Data
• 07:00 — Social Evaluation Anxiety & Peer Brain Wiring
• 11:17 — 5 Practical Strategies for Parents & Teachers
• 14:37 — Noah’s Support Plan & Autonomy
• 18:36 — Progress & School Coordination
• 20:19 — Reaching the Quiet Ones
• 22:13 — Wrap Up & Next Episode Teaser

📋 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS & TEACHERS
1. Ask Concrete Specifics: Skip broad "How are you?" questions. Ask about specific lessons or review the timetable together.
2. Follow Up on Small Comments: Throwaway mentions like "I hate PE" are often tips of bigger issues. Revisit gently later.
3. Respect Autonomy & Boundaries: Explore what screens provide (safety/escape) and carefully rebuild real-life connections.
4. Get Specific with School: Identify exact triggers (cold-calling, PE) so pastoral staff can implement tailored adaptations.
5. Communicate Side-by-Side: Talk while walking, driving, or via text to make sharing less confrontational for teens.

📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES
• Stem4: Youth mental health data on teen EBSA (27%)
• BPS (2024): Rethinking school avoidance & secondary transition
• C.A. Kearney: Functional model of school avoidance
• Halidu & Kotera (2024): Adolescent social anxiety study
• Norway Longitudinal Study: Social anxiety & school completion
• BERJ (2025): McDonald et al., EBSA review
• Anna Freud Centre: annafreud.org | YoungMinds: youngminds.org.uk

🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCES
• Lounge: theresilienthub.co.uk/lms/courses/listeners-lounge

• Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk
• Newsletter: Join our newsletter
• Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon
• Teachers' Waitlist: Email [email protected]
• Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn

Produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.

"The goal is not to eliminate every moment of distress... The goal is to build patiently, predictably, the lived evidence that they can be separated and still survive, that they can do hard things." — Ashley Costello

WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT
Focusing on primary-aged children (Reception to Year 6), this episode explores how anxiety and emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA) manifest in younger pupils. Using seven-year-old Zara's story, Ashley Costello breaks down separation anxiety (affecting 3–5% of children), sensory overwhelm, and why staying home reinforces avoidance. Learn 5 gate-ready strategies to support children through manageable separation.

⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS
• 00:00 — Intro: Primary Anxiety & School Avoidance
• 02:25 — Zara’s Story: The Morning Spiral & Fears
• 04:57 — Separation Anxiety & Avoidance Mechanics
• 08:49 — Classroom Overwhelm & School Supports
• 10:59 — 5 Gate-Ready Tips for Parents & Teachers
• 14:33 — Zara’s Plan in Action: Predictable Rituals
• 17:30 — Navigating Parent Guilt & "Snowplough" Instincts
• 20:06 — Looking Ahead: Teaser for Teen Anxiety

📋 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS & TEACHERS
1. Keep Goodbyes Short: Practice a brief, consistent routine (e.g., "See you at half-past three"). Long goodbyes increase distress.
2. Concrete Bounded Connection: Use pocket comfort objects or lunchbox notes instead of open-ended phone calls.
3. Safe Space with Boundaries: Set up a calm classroom "pit stop" with clear time limits focused on returning to class.
4. Validate Without Confirming Fears: Don't promise "nothing bad will happen." Say: "I see you're worried, but I know you can do hard things."
5. Act Early: Address early warning signs like Sunday night worries immediately with the school team.

📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES
• Separation Anxiety Disorder: Clinical features & PMC review
• Christopher A. Kearney: Functional model of school avoidance
• Education Gateshead: Primary separation anxiety guidance
• BERJ (2025): McDonald et al., review of EBSA interventions
• Anna Freud Centre: EBSA guidance & resources
• NHS: Separation anxiety support in children

🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCES
Access exclusive guides, worksheets, and listener-only tools:
• Lounge: https://theresilienthub.co.uk/trh-courses/listeners-lounge

🔗 USEFUL LINKS & CONNECT WITH US
• Our Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk
• Newsletter: Join our mailing list
• Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon
• Teachers’ Guide Waitlist: Email [email protected]
• Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn

Produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.

WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT
For many families, the school gate is a battlefield. Whether it's a child refusing to undo their seatbelt, Sunday night stomach aches, or a teen who won't leave their room, emotionally-based school avoidance (EBSA) is a growing crisis. In this episode, psychotherapist Ashley Costello explains the neurological mechanisms of avoidance, how reassurance can feed anxiety, and how push/pull factors dictate behavior. Through the stories of Zara (7) and Noah (14), you'll learn how EBSA presents across ages and how to find the true function behind the absence.

⏱️ EPISODE TIMESTAMPS
• 00:00 — Intro: The School Gate Battlefield
• 02:15 — Understanding EBSA (School Avoidance)
• 04:30 — Zara & Noah's Stories
• 07:15 — The Functional Model of Avoidance
• 10:15 — Negative Reinforcement: The Paradox of Avoidance
• 12:45 — The "Push & Pull" Framework
• 15:00 — 5 Top Tips for Parents & Teachers
• 19:30 — Coordinated 360 Plan & Next Steps

📋 TOP TIPS
1. Track Patterns: Stomach/headaches are real. If they cluster on school mornings, look at the school environment. Rule out medical issues first.
2. Quiet is Not Coping: Compliant, withdrawn children who stay invisible are often struggling just as much as those with loud distress.
3. Resist Over-Reassurance: Telling them "nothing bad will happen" can feed anxiety. Validate instead: "I see you're worried. I know you can do this. You can do hard things."
4. Act Early: Full-scale avoidance is harder to reverse once established. Intervene on day three, not month three.
5. Connect Fast: Sit down with the school's pastoral team early. A joint 360 plan is the only way to balance push and pull factors.

📚 RESOURCES & REFERENCES
• Anna Freud Centre: EBSA guidance & definitions
• Kearney & Silverman: Functional model of school refusal (1990)
• Halligan & Cryer (2022): UK EBSA estimates
• DfE: England pupil absence stats
• West Sussex/Camden EPS: Push/pull frameworks
• Children's Commissioner: School absence reports
• BERJ (2025): McDonald et al., review of EBSA interventions

🎧 LISTENERS’ LOUNGE & RESOURCES
Access exclusive guides, worksheets, and listener-only tools:
• Lounge: resilientacademy.co.uk/lounge
• 📺 Watch on YouTube | 📻 Listen on Spotify

🔗 USEFUL LINKS & CONNECT
• Our Website: theresilientacademy.co.uk
• Newsletter: Join our newsletter
• Get the Book: Raising a Resilient Kid on Amazon
• Teachers’ Guide Waitlist: Email [email protected]
• Socials: Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn

Produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient Kid.

The Resilient Kid Podcast | Season 11, Episode 10

The final and most direct episode of Season 11. For young people aged 16+, we talk honestly about what sex is, healthy sex, pornography, contraception, STIs, readiness, consent and making choices that feel right for you.

For parents: please listen before sharing with your teenager. It is explicit in places and intentionally so.

For young people aged 16 and over. Includes direct discussion of sex, pornography, contraception and STIs. If you are under 16, Episodes 7, 8 and 9 are made for you.

00:00 Age Guidance and Intent
01:04 Season Finale Setup
01:54 What Sex Really Is
03:42 What Healthy Sex Looks Like
06:37 Porn vs Reality
10:21 Contraception Basics
14:31 STIs and Testing
17:02 First Time and Readiness
19:05 Season Takeaways
20:42 Wrap Up and Resources

Healthy sex: both people genuinely want to be there, can stop at any time, communicate, and know that both people's pleasure and wellbeing matter.

Pornography: a performance, not a guide to real bodies, consent, pleasure, intimacy or what is "normal".

Contraception: condoms are the only contraceptive method that also helps protect against STIs. Other options include the pill, implant, coil, injection and emergency contraception.

STIs: many have no obvious symptoms. Testing is free and confidential, condoms reduce risk, and most STIs can be treated.

Natsal: https://www.natsal.ac.uk/

Brook: https://www.brook.org.uk/

NHS Contraception: https://www.nhs.uk/contraception/

NHS Sexual Health: https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/sexual-health/find-a-sexual-health-clinic

SH:24: https://sh24.org.uk/

Rape Crisis: 0808 500 2222 | https://rapecrisis.org.uk/
Childline: 0800 1111 | https://www.childline.org.uk/
CEOP: https://www.ceop.police.uk/

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Spotify: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/ashley-costello

Website: https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk

“Consent is not the absence of a no. It is the presence of a yes.”

This episode is for young people aged 13 and over. It talks honestly and directly about consent, relationships, pressure, online safety, intimate image sharing and sextortion. It is designed to help young people recognise what a genuine yes looks like, what pressure can sound like, what to do if something online starts to feel wrong, and where to get help.

For parents: this is a good episode to listen to first, then share with your teenager or use as the starting point for a conversation.

• Everyone involved genuinely wants to be there.
• Nobody is being pressured, guilted or worn down.
• A yes should be real, enthusiastic and freely given.
• Anyone can change their mind at any time.
• Yes to one thing is not yes to everything.
• Yes once is not yes always.

Pressure can sound like: “If you really liked me, you would”, “Everyone else does it”, “You said you would” or “We’ve been together long enough.” Pressure is not consent.

Sending an intimate image does not give anyone permission to share it. Sextortion is when someone uses an intimate image, or the threat of sharing one, to demand money, more images or something else. It is a crime and it is not your fault.

If this happens: do not pay, do not send more images, do not delete the messages, tell a trusted adult immediately and report it.

CEOP: https://ceop.police.uk/
Childline: https://www.childline.org.uk/ | 0800 1111
Revenge Porn Helpline: https://revengepornhelpline.org.uk/ | 0345 6000 459
Internet Watch Foundation: https://www.iwf.org.uk/

If you were pressured, manipulated, someone did not stop when you wanted them to, or you are being threatened with an image, you do not have to deal with it alone. Tell a parent, teacher, trusted adult, coach or another safe person. You are allowed to ask for help.

Rape Crisis England & Wales: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/ | 0808 500 2222
NSPCC: https://www.nspcc.org.uk/ | 0808 800 5000
The Survivors Trust: https://thesurvivorstrust.org/
Brook: https://www.brook.org.uk/

Find more resources here:
https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk/lounge

Website: https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk
Newsletter: https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/240667/93026367927485942/share
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YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@theresilientkid957
Spotify: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/ashley-costello

The Resilient Kid Podcast | Season 11 — The Parent in the Room

This episode is spoken directly to girls aged 10–13 in language that treats them like the capable, curious, real people they are.

It explores female puberty honestly and without embarrassment, covering breast development, body hair, vaginal discharge, periods in detail, the correct names for female anatomy including the vulva and clitoris, masturbation and self-exploration, emotional changes, body image, social media, consent and personal boundaries. It answers the questions many girls have but are often too afraid to ask, reassuring them that what they are experiencing is normal.

For parents: listen first, then share. Listen together on a journey, or simply leave it quietly on a device. However it reaches her, it is worth getting there. This episode is designed to support the conversations you are already having at home, not replace them.

Listener Guidance

This episode is suitable for young people aged 10+. It contains age-appropriate discussion of puberty, periods, vaginal discharge, the vulva, vagina, clitoris, masturbation, emotions and body confidence. There is no explicit sexual content.

Episode Timestamps

00:00 Welcome
01:00 Your body is not a problem
03:00 Understanding puberty
07:00 Periods explained
12:00 The things nobody tells girls
15:00 Bodies, boundaries and body image
17:00 Final reassurance
18:00 Outro

Quick Reference

Puberty usually starts between the ages of 8 and 13. Breast buds, body hair, growth spurts, skin changes and vaginal discharge are all normal parts of development. Periods usually happen every 21–35 days, last 3–7 days and are often irregular when they first begin. Pads, tampons, period pants and menstrual cups are all valid options. Big feelings are normal too – your brain is still developing.

Find More Resources

🎧 Listeners' Lounge
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Inside you'll find the research behind every episode, companion podcast episodes, downloadable resources, recommended books, handouts and practical tools to help you continue the conversation at home.

Useful Links

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https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk

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Spotify Podcast
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Teachers' Guide Waitlist
[email protected]

The Resilient Kid Podcast | Season 11 – The Talk
Produced by Chantelle Venter at https://websitefae.com/
The Resilient People | Trading as The Resilient Kid and The Resilient Teen.

This episode is for boys aged 10–13, spoken directly to them in honest, age-appropriate language.

We talk about puberty, what is happening to the body, why it happens, and the things many boys are never warned about, including erections, wet dreams, masturbation, emotions, body changes and what to expect as they grow up.

Parents are encouraged to listen first, listen together, or simply share the episode with their son. However you do it, the aim is to make these conversations easier.

Suitable for young people aged 10+.

This episode includes age-appropriate discussion of puberty, erections, wet dreams and masturbation. It contains no explicit sexual content and is designed to support healthy, shame-free conversations.

00:00 Welcome and age guidance
01:00 Puberty is normal
03:00 What changes during puberty
07:00 Erections, wet dreams and masturbation
10:00 Feelings, emotions and the teenage brain
12:00 Bodies, boundaries and online content
15:00 Final thoughts

• Puberty usually starts between ages 9–14.
• Testosterone causes physical and emotional changes.
• Growth spurts, body hair, voice changes and spots are all normal.
• Erections and wet dreams are a normal part of puberty.
• Emotions often feel bigger because the brain is still developing.
• Talking to a trusted adult really helps.

For young people:

• Childline – 0800 1111 – https://www.childline.org.uk
• Brook – https://www.brook.org.uk

For parents:

• Listen to Season 11 Episode 2 – Growing Up Boy for the parent version with additional research and guidance.

Keep conversations relaxed. Let your son know you're available for questions without putting pressure on him to talk immediately. You don't need to have all the answers—being open and willing to listen is what matters most.

Website: https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk

Newsletter: https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/240667/93026367927485942/share

Book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1739302605

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresilientkid

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@theresilientkid957

Spotify: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/ashley-costello

The Resilient Kid Podcast | Season 11 – The Parent in the Room

This is the episode many parents have been both waiting for and quietly dreading.

We follow Gemma, mum to a sixteen-year-old son and a thirteen-year-old daughter, who received almost no meaningful sex education herself. She was taught the mechanics of reproduction, but not what sex feels like, what healthy sex looks like, or how desire, pleasure, consent, and communication fit together.

This episode explores what sex actually is beyond penetration and reproduction. It looks at why pleasure matters, why leaving it out can cause harm, and how parents can begin honest conversations with their teenagers, even when nobody had those conversations with them.

Contraception, STIs, and pornography will each be explored in separate follow-up episodes.

00:00 Introduction
02:00 Gemma’s story
07:00 What sex actually is
13:00 Five tips for parents
16:00 Gemma talks to Tyler
20:00 The bigger picture
23:00 Closing thoughts

Professor Kaye Wellings leads the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles. The research recognises sexual activity as a broad spectrum, including kissing, touching, oral sex, mutual masturbation, and penetrative sex.

A definition focused only on penetration can leave young people without the language to understand their own experiences.

Dr Emily Nagoski argues that sex education focused only on pregnancy, STIs, assault, and risk can teach young people that sex is fundamentally dangerous.

Alongside safety and consent, young people need to understand that healthy sex is mutual, both people want to be there, both people’s pleasure matters, and either person can stop at any time.

Research from the Sex Education Forum shows that young people want honesty, clear answers, and information about what healthy relationships and sexual experiences look and feel like, not only what they should fear.

• Broaden your definition: Sex is more than penetration.
• Include pleasure: Desire and enjoyment matter.
• Describe healthy sex: Mutual wanting, communication, checking in, and freedom to stop.
• Be honest about your own gaps: Saying, “I didn’t get this conversation either,” can build trust.
• Keep it ongoing: Small conversations are better than one big lecture.

• Brook
• Sex Education Forum
• Natsal
• Internet Watch Foundation
• NHS Sexual Health
• Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

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Gemma and Tyler are composite characters, created from the experiences of many families who have asked the same question: How do I give them something I never had?

The Resilient Kid Podcast | Season 11
Produced by Chantelle Venter at WebsiteFae.com

"By the time we get to the teenage conversation, consent should already be a language a young person has been speaking for a decade."

WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT

Consent is not a teenage conversation. It begins in childhood, in the moment a child does not want a hug and a trusted adult says: "You don't have to."

In this episode, we follow two families. Sarah and Daniel realise they have talked about bodies without discussing who those bodies belong to. Nadia's daughter, Chloe, comes home shaken after being pressured online and not having the language to explain why it felt wrong.

We explore consent from toddlerhood through to the teenage years, including body autonomy, boundaries, online pressure, relationships and why children need practice saying no and having it respected.

EPISODE TIMESTAMPS

00:00 Consent is not a teenage conversation
02:00 Sarah, Daniel and Nadia — part one
07:00 Consent as a language, not a lesson
13:00 Teaching consent at every age
16:00 Returning to the family stories
20:00 The bigger picture
23:00 Closing thoughts
24:30 Outro

CONSENT AT EVERY AGE

Ages 2–5

Respect their no. Children do not have to hug, kiss or be tickled if they do not want to.

"You don't have to give Grandma a hug. Would you like to wave instead?"

Ages 5–10

Teach them that their body belongs to them, nobody should touch them in a way that feels uncomfortable, and they will never be in trouble for telling you.

Ages 10–13

Name pressure clearly, including online pressure. Nobody has the right to ask for photos or make them feel they must prove something with their body.

Ages 13+

Consent goes both ways. A yes must be clear, freely given and ongoing. Going quiet, changing the subject or appearing uncertain is not a yes.

FIVE KEY TAKEAWAYS

• Respect their no from the very beginning.
• Teach body ownership clearly and repeatedly.
• Talk about pressure before secondary school.
• Teach teenagers to respect other people's boundaries too.
• If something has already happened, start the conversation now. It is never too late.

RESEARCH AND SUPPORT

This episode references work from the NSPCC, Professor Liz Kelly, Rape Crisis England and Wales, Dr Nina Burrowes, the Lucy Faithfull Foundation and statutory RSE guidance.

All research links, safeguarding organisations, support numbers, further reading and downloadable resources are available in our Listeners' Lounge:

https://www.theresilientacademy.co.uk/lounge

A NOTE ON THE STORIES

Sarah, Daniel, Nadia, Chloe, Poppy and Reuben are composite characters based on families we have supported. Their stories protect confidentiality while reflecting real experiences.

If this episode has brought something up for you or your child, please visit the Listeners' Lounge for trusted support organisations. You do not have to carry it alone.

The Resilient Kid Podcast | Season 11 — The Talk
Produced by Chantelle Venter at Website Fae
https://websitefae.com/