Most of us enter relationships knowing less about what we want in a relationship than we know about what we want in a house, a job, or a car.

In this episode, I share an analogy for relationship growth and a few tips for creating a clearer, more compelling vision for your relationships:

• Identify a relationship to focus on.
• What do you like about it?
• What do you want to be different?
• How will these changes make you feel - what feelings are you looking for in this relationship?
• Choose three words to describe the feelings you want and describe each one in detail.
• Decide who you need to be to initiate these changes in your relationship.

Giving someone a clear definition of what you want make it so much easier for them to fulfill your requests...especially if you invite them to do the same!

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-50

This episode is part 1 of a two-part series on the differences between complementarian and egalitarian marriages.

I invited Bruce Pagano to come back on the podcast and talk about an idea that is prevalent both within religious communities and in everyday life - the idea that men and women are better suited to specific roles within a relationship and within communities.

Often these beliefs aren't so clearly stated, but they manifest in the way that men fail to accept the influence of their spouses, don't give the same respect to their female peers and managers at work, and act in ways that prioritize their needs and experiences.

Bruce and I talk about our own experiences in our relationships and the conflicts that arise when couples are playing a role rather than embracing their strengths.

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-49

Liz Solar and I share a conversation about the power of slowing down and taking time to understand each other, giving second chances, being curious, and not letting disagreements ruin our relationships.

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-48

Bad habits creep into the best of relationships from time to time. ​

What if you treated these red-flag moments like an opportunity to "re-calibrate" instead of getting stuck in resentment, frustration, and blame?

According to Dr. John Gottman, these are the six most common signs that a relationship is headed for trouble. 

1. Harsh Start-ups: When one or both individuals bring things up in a negative or critical way
2. The Four Horsemen: When interactions are filled with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling
3. Emotional Flooding: When disagreements lead to a feeling of emotional overwhelm
4. Physiological Stress: When one or both individuals are physically stressed around each other (emotional flooding is constant)
5. Failed Repair Attempts: When it's difficult to de-escalate conflict and restore peace and connection
6. Rewriting the Past with Bad Memories: When all your memories of earlier times are cast in a negative light

Not all relationships are headed for destruction if these signs of trouble are present. Some couples simply choose to emotionally detach from each other and lead parallel lives. And some couples are able to recognize they have gone off course and find ways to reconnect and get back on track.

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-47

Has your view of what makes a happy relationship changed with experience? What if you're focused on making your relationship better and you feel like nothing is changing, or things are even getting worse?

If you focus on:

• Correcting your partner's character flaws
• Creating more shared activities, and
• Doing conflict the "right way" 

at the expense of embracing the fact that two imperfect people can have a perfectly happy relationship, you'll find yourself stuck in unnecessary frustration and discouragement.

Learn what really makes relationships tick so you can focus your efforts where it counts.

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-46

Why do men avoid relationships in favor of video games?

Our guest, Chris Marhefka, shares some insights into the masculine brain and how women can motivate and inspire their male partners to engage in their relationships instead of disappearing to play video games or other “zoned out” activities.

Taking a deep look at ourselves when we're already in pain in our relationships is hard, courageous, and it can be just what we need to flip the switch in our relationships.

"Playing to Win" means giving our partner a chance to be victorious, to feel valued, appreciated, and acknowledged. When you "play to win" you clearly communicate what you want from him and where he is doing a good job.

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-45

Without a little help, our guest Dr. Tom Murray proposes that we lose our lust for our partner twice as quickly as we lose our like for our partner. In Dr. John Gottman’s work, a huge focus is placed on friendship and fondness for one another. But Dr. Murray suggests that friendship and healthy intimacy don’t always go hand in hand.

Listen to this episode for new insights and perspectives on how to keep the spark in your relationship so that you avoid the “beach effect” that happens with too much familiarity and too little novelty.

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-44

Can a relationship recover from infidelity? Our guest Dr. John Fite says, “It depends.”

Like most things in a relationship, there are forces outside our control. But don’t give up too quickly because there are proven tools for making a marriage or committed relationship even better after a significant betrayal such as infidelity.

In this episode, Dr. John Fite talks about what each partner has to lose when they take a chance at repairing their relationship and how Gottman’s method of atone, attach, atune can be used to repair and strengthen a relationship that has been harmed by betrayal.

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-43

What is the purpose and meaning of your relationship?

In the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - Gottman finishes the seven principles with the principles of Creating Shared Meaning.

There are four pillars described in the Seven Principles Book:

1. Rituals of Connection
2. Support for Each Other's Roles
3. Shared Goals
4. Shared Values and Symbols

Our guest, Alicia Montemurro, explains so well how creating shared meaning is an important component of our well-being both as individuals and within our relationships.

Listen to episode 42 of the Keep Talking Revolution podcast to learn:

• Two components of meaning and their benefits
• Five benefits of living with purpose
• How you can create and support the roles you play in your relationship beyond a prescribed gender role orientation 
• Why tension builds when there are conflicting views over values, goals, and goals and how to achieve more unity and harmony

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-42

What do you do when the same problem keeps coming up over and over again in your relationship? This is a sign that you are either headed toward gridlock or you are already there.

Whether or not you’re in full gridlock, there are some helpful tools for dealing with the perpetual conflicts that come up in every relationship. So while you can’t necessarily stop your mother-in-law from dropping by unannounced and spoiling the grandkids with unwanted treats and gifts, you can come to a place where you and your partner have each other’s backs and understand why things that feel like no big deal to you really matter to them.

Rules of Engagement for Healthy Conversation about Unsolvable Differences:

1. Don’t start a sentence with the word “you” (use "I" statements in conflict and in everyday language)
2. Reflect back to your partner using their own words so you can tune in to what’s going on for them
3. Look for cues pointing to what dreams aren’t being met (e.g. sense of freedom,
4. Know your partner's backstory
5. Keep your focus on the long-term success of the relationship

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-41