Every couple has irreconcilable differences in their relationship. Often these issues are avoided or result in frequent arguments and disagreements.

In this episode, Janika Veasley joins us to talk about managing perpetual conflict without sweeping things under the rug or constantly caving to your partner’s preferences and perspectives. We discuss the nuances of compromise and the difference between agreeing to disagree and putting a band-aid on our differences.

To constructively address any perpetual conflict, you need to first understand its cause. Under every gridlocked issue is a dream or hope that is unfulfilled. Uncovering the dreams within a conflict is a very effective way to create more understanding and less friction in your relationships.

Listen to the episode to hear how you can find the dream within a conflict and other great tips for disagreeing without losing your friendship.

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-40

Even though most relational conflict is perpetual (69% according to Gottman’s research). There are times when problems can be solved and you can move on.

In this episode of Keep Talking Revolution, Josh Greep joins me to talk about recognizing solvable conflict and some tools to use for effective problem-solving.

The skills that work are:

1. A softened startup – complain but don’t blame
2. Making and receiving repair attempts – quickly get the conversation back on track
3. Soothing yourself and each other – recognize and respond when flooding happens
4. Compromising – yield without giving up your core needs
5. Processing grievances so they don’t linger – fight fair & seek understanding

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-39

Not all relationship conflict can be resolved and when that becomes the goal, your relationship is headed to conflict gridlock.

In this episode, we talk with Gottman Therapist Laura Silverstein about two kinds of relationship conflict. Some conflict can be resolved, and some problems are perpetual. For perpetual problems, the skill of managing conflict with openness and curiosity is your key to maintaining trust and intimacy.

This episode is an overview of the different types of conflict. For more tips and strategies on managing conflict, stay tuned for the upcoming episodes.

Laura wants to remind the audience that working on your relationship doesn’t need to be hard. Make sure to keep things fun by spending time together, keeping it fresh, and taking care of the fun in your relationship. Get her free 52 dates workbook on her website. 

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-38

When you approach your partner with a need, do they respond openly or do they close off?

This week’s guest Dianne Presley joins me to talk about sharing needs in a way that invites collaboration instead of competition. She uses the CPR formula for sharing a need:

• C – Compliment
• P – State the Problem
• R – Make a Request

Sometimes these formulas don’t work because:

• Compliments are only given when a request is soon to follow
• Problems are shared with more blame and less personal responsibility
• Requests are rigid and demanding instead of open and exploratory, or
• All the baggage of past hurts and emotions doesn’t have time to air out before you expect a big change

Listen in to learn how sharing your needs really can be inviting and collaborative, even if it takes a while to create new patterns and habits of communication in your relationship.

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-37

Who gets the final say when you and your partner disagree?

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Gottman calls the ability to discuss and decide as a team “Accepting Influence.”

Bruce Pagano joins me on this episode to share his personal experience navigating this issue as well as his professional insights as a couples therapist. Bruce shares, “For me, I had to really learn to just be quiet and listen to what she was saying without trying to fix things. And then she had to learn to speak up.”

Whether you need to work on your listening and willingness to be influenced or you need to work on speaking up and offering influence you’ll find some great insights for you and your relationship in this episode.

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-36

In satisfying relationships, people look for ways to connect with each other all the time. Gottman calls this a bid for connection.

Sometimes bids are obvious, like reaching out to hold hands, and other times they may be so subtle that they aren’t even recognized as an attempt to connect. When a bid to connect is received, one can acknowledge the bid and turn toward the bidder, turn away, or turn against. Turning toward, even in small ways, builds a deep connection over time.

In this week’s episode, Mandy Mitchell joins me to talk about what it means to turn toward each other and how to recognize your partner’s bids for connection – even when they are masked with negativity.

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-35

We can mentally rehearse positive things about our partner’s qualities or we can rehearse annoying, irritating, and negative things about their personality. Choosing to find and focus on what you like and admire about your partner is the key to nurturing affection and closeness in your relationship.

In this week’s episode, Estrella Rogers (aka “Miss Star”) and I talk about why it’s so important to nurture fondness and admiration for your partner and a few tips for getting started.

Estrella’s first question is always, “Tell me about when you first started your relationship.”

Make sure you follow Estrella on Instagram for her “Make them Smile Monday” prompts to continue the habit of nurturing fondness & admiration.

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-34

The foundation of a relationship is friendship. Gottman’s Principle “Enhance Your Love Map” is basically an ongoing effort to know your partner and get a glimpse into their inner world. Using the map analogy, some people only have a very general understanding of another person. They know the basics, but not the details. As you get to know your partner more deeply you will each feel more valued, appreciated, and cared about.

This week on the podcast, Sara Thingvold joins me to talk about getting to know your partner better through asking open-ended questions and having “agenda-free” conversations.

Great practices for asking open-ended questions:

• Get permission – “Would you be willing to have a conversation right now?” Asking an open-ended question when your partner is distracted, upset, or not present can lead to disappointment.
• Use a great lead into an open conversation. Share your responses to open your partner up. “Can you tell me about…?”
• Give your partner permission not to respond

• Take time to tune into yourself, your feelings and your opinions so that you can become more tuned into your partner
• It gets easier with practice. Give yourself permission to be messy.

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-33

Most of us try and resolve conflict in the worst possible moment – when emotion is high and cognition is low.

This high emotion, low cognition state is defined by Gottman as flooding. When either partner is flooded, staying in the conversation will only escalate the conflict.

This week on the podcast, Julie Benoit joins me to talk about flooding and what makes us vulnerable to flooding. Listen to this episode to learn:

1. What flooding is and how to recognize it.
2. What to do when either of you is flooded.
3. How to proactively prevent flooding so you can have more productive communication when the potential for conflict is high.

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-32

Brooke Rasmussen, a fellow Gottman Educator and mother of 7 is on the podcast this week to talk about the Four Horsemen, the four most common attitudes and behaviors that harm relationships.

These horsemen show up even in healthy relationships, but when you’re struggling the Four Horsemen seem to take over:

1. Criticism – when a complaint becomes a personal attack on your partner
2. Contempt – when you take a position of moral superiority over your partner
3. Defensiveness – using excuses, a victim position, or reversing blame to get your partner to back off
4. Stonewalling – avoiding your partner by tuning out, turning away, or acting busy

The good news is there is an effective antidote to each bad habit:

1. Replace criticism with a soft startup – talking about your feelings using “I” statements and expressing a positive need.
2. Replace contempt with gratitude – remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and find gratitude for positive actions.
3. Replace defensiveness with taking responsibility – accept your partner’s perspective and offer an apology for any wrongdoing.
4. Replace stonewalling with self-soothing – take a healthy break and spend that time soothing your emotions.

Get the full shownotes and links to resources mentioned at https://keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-31