We're celebrating someone's birthday with something they never asked for, so happy birthday to Alan Jordan, we guess? 

Host segments: Devori is the cheese, and the cheese stands alone; Hawk is not committed to the bit; Palance-ing all over the place; if not uncle, why uncle-shaped?; the illustrious role of "woman,"; Jeff needs to write down what he watches; Clockwork Orange-ed by the Swamp of Sadness; #AshIsABetterHawk; winsome nums.