Rigour & Flow with Aiwan and Tamanda

In this bonus segment, Tamanda and Aiwan dig deeper into the existing and emerging research around LGBTQ+ domestic violence.

They reflect on the stories we don’t hear, the data that doesn’t exist or is too easily overlooked, and the ways coercive control shows up in queer relationships, from misgendering and outing to body shaming and withholding gender-affirming care.

Tamanda shares insights from Galop’s research and from scholars working to fill the gaps in how LGBTQ+ domestic abuse is understood. She references Dr James Rowlands and the CRiVA team at Durham University on coercive control in queer relationships, and Dr Roxanne Khan’s work on honour-based abuse in South Asian LGBTQ+ communities, showing how identity can become a weapon, and why support systems still fail so many.

Together, they dig into the existing evidence to ask:

• Why are shelters and services still built around outdated gender scripts?
• What happens when abusers weaponise race, queerness or gender identity?

And how do we learn the difference between healthy conflict and coercive control, if no one teaches us?

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In this deeply personal and long-overdue episode, we unpack the silences, scripts, and systems that shape how we understand abuse, and how they fail queer people in particular.

Aiwan opens up for the first time about her experience of domestic violence in a same-sex relationship, and what made it so hard to recognise or name. 

Tamanda reflects on a coercive relationship marked by gaslighting, manipulation, and lies, including a fabricated cancer diagnosis, and how it warped her sense of reality. 

Together, they explore the red flags they missed, the stories they inherited, and why patriarchy still shapes which kinds of harm we’re taught to see… even within queer relationships.

From Carmen Maria Machado’s In the Dream House to The Queer Ultimatum, from silence in Black and religious communities to the glaring gaps of the archive, the creative industries and the research sector, this episode makes space for stories that are too often erased or distorted, and asks what it would take to name abuse on our own terms.

In this episode:

• Why emotional and psychological abuse often go unrecognised
• How coercive control plays out in queer and same-sex relationships
• Power, silence, and what stops us from speaking up, especially in minoritised communities
• The difference between conflict and control, dysfunction and abuse
• The role of shame, identity, and isolation in keeping people stuck
• What research, archives, and media still get wrong about queer survivors
• How patriarchy shows up, even in supposedly liberated relationships

For those who want to go deeper, we’re dropping a bonus episode this Thursday 10th July, diving deeper into the research, data, and structures behind queer domestic violence and coercive control.

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⚠️ Content warning: domestic violence, emotional abuse

Some stories mark you.

Even when they’re not yours.

Even when you’re just eight years old, standing in the corner, trying not to breathe.

Even when the person on the phone says they’re dying, and you believe them - because how could someone LIE like that?

In this first episode of Season 2, we’re talking about the kinds of relationships we don’t talk about.

The ones you don’t know how to name.

The ones that break you open in slow, strange ways. Before you eventually wake up...

🎧 Full episode drops this Tuesday.

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Tamanda introduces us to a podcast that deeply moved her: Sunday School for Misfits, created by theologian and public educator Dr Selina Stone.

Tamanda shares how she first met Selina through a chance encounter at a ‘Life Beyond the PhD’ residential - a connecting moment that led to a research collaboration which exposed her to Selina’s unique approach to theology, which is as rigorous as it is compassionate. 

Across academia, community, and the digital pulpit, Selina brings a voice that holds space for questions, contradictions, and deep cultural and spiritual complexity. In this episode, we weave clips from Sunday School for Misfits with our own reflections and conversations and explore what makes Selina’s work feel so needed, especially for those of us raised in traditions that didn’t always leave room for our full selves.

Together, we explore faith beyond binaries, rage as revelation, and what it means to sit with the messiness of belief in the wake of spiritual harm. From Pentecostal pews to decolonial theology classrooms, this is a conversation for those trying to make peace with a God that doesn’t always make sense, and a church that often makes even less.

It’s for the seekers, the doubters, the ones who left and the ones who stayed. And for anyone who needs a reminder that theology can be a place of tenderness, resistance, and unexpected belonging - if only we allow ourselves to stay in the space of the grey.

🎧 Listen to Sunday School for Misfits by Dr Selina Stone on Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts:

https://open.spotify.com/show/1JqJflcsFV3F67FZci8hPJ?si=5de6a4d54bed449a

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We’re keeping your ears and minds warm between seasons by spotlighting the shows and creators who are moving us, challenging us, and reminding us why we do what we do.

This week, Aiwan shares a pick close to her heart: an episode from The Pursuit Playbook hosted by Aprileen Alexander - a finance powerhouse, creative producer, and former gal-dem team member. Produced by AiAi Studios, the show is a masterclass in navigating corporate spaces as a Black woman. It’s giving honesty, guts, and unapologetic ambition.

The featured episode, Echoes from the C-Suite: Risking It All with Shani Gonzalez, profiles the extraordinary journey of Shani, Executive VP and Managing Director at Warner Chappell Music UK. She’s launched the careers of global icons like Justin Bieber and Travis Scott, built a legacy through fearless risk-taking, and leads with the kind of strategic instinct and heart-first leadership that Aiwan sees as pure Rigour & Flow.

Together, we reflect on what it means to back yourself, trust your gut, and rewrite the playbook for creative and corporate leadership. If you’ve ever wondered how to move with conviction in industries that weren’t built with you in mind — this one’s for you.

Listen to The Pursuit Playbook by Aprileen Alexander on Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts:

https://open.spotify.com/show/48HkvSF1wmEifiM05Nswqy

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We’re back with another Notes from the Margins - our freestyle format where we bring the ideas, tensions, and fragments we’re still sitting with.

This one’s all about the stuff that didn’t feel done. The thoughts that followed us around. And the threads we couldn’t let go of.

First, we return to Episode 1, and our conversation about faith and queerness as Africans. We talk about what it meant to open the podcast with that episode, what we held back at the time, and how the tension between visibility and vulnerability has followed us ever since.

In our second segment, Aiwan returns to our discussion of The Crip Walk from Episode 2 on The Policing of Black Thought, and delves into new insights, learnings, and alternative storytelling around the origins of the dance, including Serena Williams' return to it during her recent Super Bowl performance with Kendrick Lamar. We explore the erasure of this history, what it reveals about disability justice and the Black community, and how we’re trying to deepen our solidarity with Black disabled siblings in our own work.

Finally, Tamanda circles back to Episode 4, What It Costs to Have a Baby, and delves deeper into the data on the availability of Black sperm donors in the UK. Drawing on an article shared by Dr Celestin Okoroji, we also dig deeper into compounding health inequalities faced by Black academic women with chronic reproductive health conditions.

This episode isn’t just a look back. It’s a season wrap. A reckoning. A moment to honour what we carried into Season 1, and what we’re carrying out of it as we head into a new era of the show.

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We decided to do something a little different...

We went LIVE for the very first time. To reflect on the journey so far, answer listener questions, and share a glimpse of life behind the scenes of Rigour & Flow. What followed was a surprising, hilarious, and deeply moving encounter with the people who’ve been with us from the jump.

We were joined by listeners from across our community - some who’ve known us for years, others who found us through the podcast - and we talked about everything from what surprised you most about the show to your favourite moments (including the Naija accent requests?!). You asked for uncut episodes, more behind-the-scenes, and some of you even suggested guests. We shared a few things we haven’t said before - including how we really feel about “weird coupley podcast energy.”

And then, just as things got good... we were booted off Instagram Live. Without warning. But you came back. Nearly every single one of you returned to the second stream - which, someone said, “would be a good crowd in a real-life room.” That moment? It meant everything.

Now we’re back to share our lightly edited version of the LIVE so anyone who couldn’t join can catch up. As it stands, this is an episode about our community. About what it means to think you might end up speaking into the void - only to find the void you imagined actually speaks back. And is absolutely ready to catch you. 

It’s messy, unscripted, honest, and full of love. It’s a soft ending and a bold beginning. And we couldn’t be more grateful so many of you joined our little island of magic.

💬 In this episode:

• Season One reflections from Aiwan, Tamanda and you - the fam!
• What surprised us (and you) about making Rigour & Flow
• Behind-the-scenes realities of podcasting as a couple
• What we’ve learned from sharing publicly and showing up consistently
• The tech fail that kicked us off Instagram Live - and what happened next
• Listener feedback: favourite episodes, future guests, and format requests
• Our dreams for community-driven storytelling in Season Two

Community Shout-Out

This live episode wouldn’t have been what it was without the incredible people who showed up and showed out.

Huge love to Hollie (our behind-the-scenes magician) and Ade (our on-screen facilitator) - you held it down with grace, humour, and heart.

And thank you to everyone who joined us live - whether you caught the first stream, came back for part two, or watched the replay. We felt every bit of your presence.

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What if time wasn’t neutral? What if urgency was a trap? What if the clock, like so many systems, was never made with us in mind?

We step outside grind culture to ask how time works, and who it works for. From production schedules to academic timelines, we explore how time shapes us, pressures us, and polices us as we navigate systems that demand constant productivity - and often without care or a proper sense of our contexts.

Aiwan reflects on her journey as a filmmaker in extractive production environments, where tight turnarounds and top-down decisions often override wellbeing, due process, or nuance. She unpacks how creative work gets distorted by commercial timelines and what’s lost when deadlines take precedence over depth.

Tamanda shares how time functioned in her PhD - from the long haul of writing up to the pressure to always be producing. She speaks to the challenge of holding grief, illness, and care within systems that measure value by speed and visibility - and the toll of navigating slow processes inside fast institutions.

Together, we unpack the tension between polychronic time (cyclical, relational, fluid) and monochronic time (linear, rigid, task-driven), drawing on our experiences across entertainment, media, and research; between the continent and the diaspora, and from childhood to our current stage. We ask what it means to reclaim time - not just for rest, but for dignity, self-determination, and different ways of knowing.

This is an episode about pace, labour, and the politics of production-  but also about boundaries, burnout, and what it means to move on our own terms.

 In this episode:

• The systems that shape how time is managed, valued, and weaponised
• Production deadlines, extractive creative cycles, and burnout in media work
• Academic timelines, productivity pressures, and the myth of constant progress
• Polychronic vs. monochronic time - and why linearity doesn’t work for everyone
• How race, queerness, grief, and caring responsibilities disrupt dominant time norms
• The tension between institutional pace and lived experience
• What it means to reclaim time for rest, ritual, and deeper ways of working

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We’re taking it back to the roots - exploring the stories, struggles, and politics wrapped up in Black hair.

Aiwan opens up about being raised in a Pentecostal church that saw pride and beauty as sin - where dreadlocks were demonised, and even beads were banned. Tamanda reflects on her early obsession with Toni Braxton, the pain of getting her hair chemically straightened, and the complex cocktail of shame, admiration and resistance that came with being the girl with “the good hair.”

Together, we talk about where shame starts, how beauty hierarchies are enforced, and why so many of our earliest hair memories still sting. We share the pain and pride of coming into our own - from church restrictions to Nollywood tropes, from Black queer aesthetic codes to the pressure of salon culture and the silent scabs we’ve picked at school.

Together we ask:

• Who gets to define what’s “good hair”?
• Why are some textures still more ‘acceptable’ than others - even in natural hair spaces?
• What’s really in the products we’ve been putting on our scalps since childhood?
• And what does it look like to reclaim joy, health, and self-expression on our own terms?

This is a conversation about hair. And also a reflection on power, care, and reclamation. From chemical burns and hair-based bullying to Black queer self-discovery and political pride, this episode is a love letter to every Black person navigating their own hair story.

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We explore the complicated inheritance of being Black and British - and how migration, class, race, and belonging continue to shape our stories today.

Aiwan reflects on growing up in Britain as the daughter of a Nigerian immigrant mum, caught between a confident Nigerian identity at home and a fraught, often hostile Black Britishness outside it. Meanwhile, Tamanda shares what it meant to migrate from Botswana as a child, and how her understanding of Blackness and Britishness was turned upside down the moment she arrived.

Together, we unpack what it means to "become" Black in Britain: how migration, racism, and class shape identity; why Africa remains a powerful anchor for many; and how the lines between African, Caribbean, and Black British experiences were drawn - and sometimes weaponised - against us.

We dive into the myths we inherited about Britain as a land of plenty; the painful rifts between African and Caribbean communities; and the possibilities, pitfalls, and erasures hidden inside the phrase “political Blackness.” We also talk about colourism, mixed heritage, and the messy, unfinished project of Black British belonging - asking what solidarity could look like when we stop pretending our differences don't exist.

This is an episode about identity, for sure! But, more than that, it's about survival, memory, migration, and how Black Britishness was, and still is, fiercely fought for rather than freely given.

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