Ringheads

"The Age of Men is over. The Time of the Orc has come." So says Gothmog, the doughy-faced Lieutenant of Minas Morgul and regular Fox News pundit. And jeez, does he seem to be right, based on this section of the movie: cherry tomato junkie Denethor sends his only remaining son to certain death; a bunch of soldiers from Gondor get Nazgul-ed while others polish their fancy armor and pine for Rohan to save them. Meanwhile Gollum engineers a rift between Frodo and Sam. All while still wearing... that loincloth. That horrible goddamned loincloth.

Pippin and Gandalf spend a lot of time yakkin’ on a balcony... Statler and Waldorf much? Frodo, Sam, and Gollum reach Minas Morgul, which actually used to be a nice place before the big box stores moved in. Beacons are lit, Orcs ride on boats, and we’re introduced to the great and meaty-faced GOTHMOG!

Elves are marching very languidly to the Undying Lands, which might be boring. The return of Figwit. One of the top 100 sword-reforging scenes in film history. We meet the free-wheeling, fun-lovin’ Denethor, Steward of Gondor. And: Gandalf needs a cough drop!

Saruman, and his mind of metal and wheels… gets squished by a big metal wheel. Subtle! A drinking contest lets Gimli burp and fart his way to new lows. Eowyn dreams of Númenor. Pippin goes cuckoo for a Palantír, and we get into what exactly those are: basically, big goth bowling balls.

Lord of the Rings is a trilogy, and this is the third movie, and so [quickly counts] ...the last. But the longest, hoo boy! We begin this long, epic journey with a shot of a tiny worm being put on a hook. This episode features, among other things, more about the different type of Hobbits than you may have ever wanted to know. Also: Saruman, down but undefeated in smack talk!

Well, we’ve met both of the Two Towers now, plus a bonus Deep (Helm’s) and it’s time to move on. Yes, this is the final episode about this middle movie of the LOTR trilogy, and some of the chickens are coming home to roost for the bad guys of Middle Earth. Other chickens are still out there! Including Gollum, who’s already planning the next movie...

The body count rises at Helm's Deep, but Gimli continues to be a comedy goofus in the midst of tragedy. Elves die, so we ask the question "what happens when elves die?" and dammit, we answer that question. Also: the relative dignity of characters in the Jackson movies vs. In The Book. Finally: Faramir at peak dickishness!

We've reached the second-to-last THE TWO TOWERS episode, and the tower count remains the same! But it's all coming to a head on three different fronts: Helm's Deep, where things are getting explode-y; Fangorn Forest, where the Ents are deciding to decide to maybe decide something (spoiler: they finally do); and in Osgiliath, which needs an infrastructure upgrade. Plus: Gimli keeps clowning.

Lots of Real Talk in this episode. Real Talk: is Faramir the ideal Gondorian warrior-prince, or a whiny failson? Real Talk: are the Uruk-Hai unstoppable murder machines, or easily-killed training dummies for Gimli’s axe? Real Talk: will there ever be justice for Smeagol and his fish? Finally, Ringheads announces our upcoming Patreon video extras: we will cover ALL THREE of the Peter Jackson HOBBIT movies. Plus more! Eru save us.

Warg attack!! This is both a handy phrase for quickly getting off a Zoom call, and something that is happening to the Rohirrim as we start this section. Watch as our heroes fight these giant wolf-hyena-rats. And everyone is noticing the Uruk-Hai are on the march, which is not surprising since they are 10,000 huge monsters not attempting to hide. Finally, we check in with the elves, who are all about skedaddling the hell out of town. See ya, World of Men!