one will ever want you – you have three kids.”
Yes,
that’s an actual quote from an actual human on the topic of me leaving my
husband. I felt cursed. I felt like I was damaged goods. I felt like this
person was right. Until I started dating again and I found out that they were
very wrong. I could get a date! I was desirable – I was attractive – I was
wanted! But then, I started to have doubts.
When
I got ghosted the first time… and then the second time… and then the third
time… all of them saying, “YOU’VE GOT THREE KIDS!”
Yeah,
homie, I know. I was there.
The
next time it came up, it was a two-fer. This person said the same for him and
for his friend – yes I was romantically involved with friends – not at the same
time; years apart; the first gave his blessing. But anyway… this person told me
for him and his friend precisely why I was fun, but not a keeper.
Then
came this one wildly attractive guy that I had a crush on – now, let it be
known, I have crushes on many people, frequently. People are attractive, and
for me, 98% of the time, I’d rather silently admire someone from afar than
actually try to get to know them. I think it’s important to acknowledge attraction
as a normal and natural thing – and a thing that can exist within itself as
only that – a crush. People, especially people we are attracted to, don’t need
to be owned and kept. Why are we so incapable of acknowledging beauty without
trying to own it? Anyway, that’s another show. THIS show, is about the crush
that jumped the entire gun to break up with me before we even talked about
having a date because I already have kids and that’s something he wants to
experience for the first time together with someone else.
And
finally, most recently, I was just told, “You’re like the perfect woman! But
you’re divorced and have three kids. I want to have kids. If we have kids
together, my first kids won’t be your first kids.”
Yep,
I’ll say that one again – my first kids won’t be your first kids.
Now,
let it be known, I would rather be single and happy than feel guilt or shame
for having three delightful children with a man I very much loved at the time.
Those boys were made from love and they are the very epitome of it.
And
we are a package deal. It hurts my heart to think some men would rather abandon
the treasure of loving me because it means they’d also have to love my
children. It makes me ache to know that they’re missing out on three of the
best children in the world. That is entirely their loss – times four – and if
they don’t want to find out how awesome my kids are, they don’t deserve me
also like to point out pointedly point out – that as a pansexual – only cis-het
men have expressed this concept of sperm-egotism; women and non-binary people I
have dated couldn’t care less – they embrace me and my little darlings.
My personal opinion, I am pretty fucking awesome and I have no doubt that if and when these men find their life partners, they will always wonder about me – they will always wonder, what if I had given Octavia a try.
And
you know why? Because kids grow up. Children are temporary fleeting treasures
that are here for a few moments and then off on their own to adult in the wild.
When the children are gone, what’s left but the two adults that raised them and
whatever partnership they have is fully exposed. Children are neither bandaids
nor baggage. They can’t save a relationship up against the ropes and they
certainly shouldn’t be a barrier between two hearts that desperately desire
I have been prematurely rejected more than five times with this – but you
already have kids – response, I decided to take this strange perspective to the
socials and to ask for others’ ideas on the topic.
Many of the responses were confirmation bias – trashy insult; they’re intimidated by you and this is a neg to make you feel small; it’s just an excuse for being noncommittal; this is fragile masculinity afraid to parent a child he didn’t produce; immaturity avoiding responsibility… but then there were a few I hadn’t heard before, something on the topic of purity. This is the angle I want to explore and then destroy…
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