In today's episode,  I am discussing losing my dog Luna and why I think my experience was different because of Sam.   

Sam's death was so painful and unbearable that I was convinced I would never feel grief again like I had in the past.   I believed that my son's death would put everything else into perspective and nothing else would matter, baring the worst, and I could not have been more wrong.  

Luna's death not only shook me to my core and put me into a tail spin, it opened my eyes to some new aspects of grief.    Every relationship in life ends at some point but I was not ready or prepared for how difficult it would be to say goodbye to my sweet girl and number one supporter through my darkest days.

Nearly 2 1/2 years after losing Sam, my life got completely out of balance and my grief took a huge hit.    In today's episode, I talk about my grief spiral, what caused it, and what I have re-discovered about the importance of keeping balance in my life.     I share what balance looks like in my own life and encourage you to create and commit to your own idea of balance.   

I also discuss how I handled my own spiral and why I believe that our connections with the right people can help pull us back up to the surface during the times that our lives become out of balance and we face plant back into our heaviest grief.   

Moving forward after losing Sam feels impossible at times but it's the choice I remain committed to, even on my darkest days.   There is no easy choice or path after losing a son or daughter but at some point, and the timeline will vary widely between us, we each have a choice to move forward towards healing or stay stuck in our grief.    

In this episode, I bring in a concept I heard on another podcast (The Ramsey Show), and I talk about 4 ways that moving forward after losing Sam have been been hard for me but why I believe it's crucial to stay the course.  I also discuss 4 ways that the choice NOT to take the steps we need to heal will be detrimental for us in all aspects of our life and why we need to look at healing as a new skill, not something we wait until we feel like doing.    

This year, for the first time in my life, I have made the decision not to spend any money for Christmas.  In today's episode, I talk about how grief has changed my willingness to participate in a tradition that typically has me spending more money than I should.

Losing a child is a stark reminder of what money can and cannot do for us.  I know for sure that we can't buy our way into happiness or out of grief and for that reason, the chaotic shopping pace around me feels disconnected from my new reality.    

This is a season where consumer debt and overspending will cause anxiety and grief for millions in the months to come and this year, I am choosing to ditch the heavy traffic, long shopping lines, and financial regret of buying things my kids don't need with money I don't necessarily have to spend. 

Grieving parents and their families go through hell during the holidays and I believe that we should all be encouraged to make the choices that make sense for our family, regardless of longstanding family and societal expectations.  

Thanksgiving is a difficult time for grieving parents and families and in today's episode, I discuss how gratitude has helped me through my grief.  It sounds insane to search for gratitude after losing a son but I have found it to be a grounding source in my life.    

Feeling gratitude doesn't have to mean that we accept what has happened, it means that in spite of what happened, we are making the choice to search outside of our grief for some kind of light.   In spite of the unfathomable pain we live with, there is still the glow of love and support that surrounds us, if we choose to see it.

When Sam died, I didn't think I would ever feel better again and if I had relied on time alone, I still don't think I would.   However, holding onto gratitude for all that Sam's life gave me and for all the love, support, and kindness that has been shown to me after he died is what keeps me moving forward today.

Happy Thanksgiving.  I am grateful for any life I manage to touch by talking about Sam.

Anniversaries bring big feelings and now,  two years since Sam's death, I have found myself falling back into old patterns of avoidance.   

This time, however, I am finding my stress and anxiety lie more in my avoidance tactics and how they are impacting my life than in facing and dealing with the same pain I have lived with for two years now.  

In this episode, I discuss two of my biggest negative coping mechanisms,  over-sleeping and constant podcasts listening, are impacting the quality my life, and why I am finding that looking directly at my grief is more healthy and at this point, and even easier, than avoiding it.  

In today's episode, I discuss how grief makes me feel disconnected in my own life and why podcasting has been a natural and helpful fit for me in moving forward.

I love to talk about the importance of moving forward with our healing but often, I don't feel nearly as inspired as I sound.    It doesn't feel natural to try to heal from losing a child and at times I feel like an imposture with a microphone for even suggesting it,  like I am trying to convince the world to heal in a way that feels impossible for me to do myself.     

The truth is, the number one reason I even have a podcast is not because Sam died, it's because I am a talker with more to say than friends and family to listen.   The second reason I have a podcast is because talking through this tragedy is the only way I know to get through it.   

I am not necessarily further along or stronger than anyone else listening here but I do know what I need to move forward.   Honest and open conversation and a place to talk about my experience.   Thank you for stopping by. 

The last weekend I spent with Sam was two years ago, just two weeks before his body was discovered in a field.  I keep thinking about how I should have been able to use that weekend to make a difference in his life.  

In this episode, I discuss how the memories of our last time together cause me to ruminate on unhelpful thoughts and why I believe that the anniversary of last communications with a deceased one feel so vulnerable.   

I will also talk about 6 ideas, based on facts and realities,  that I try to come back to as I keep myself in check and also support myself during this time.

I would like to think that one day should not have power over another but  consciously and unconsciously, these anniversaries can be very challenging to get through.    

We don't often talk about how scary the idea of healing from the loss of a child can feel.   It feels wrong to accept the impossible and like a betrayal towards our son or daughter if we even conceive of a life after them.   One of the hardest task a bereaved parent will ever be tasked with is the decision to keep living.

In this episode, I discuss my own difficult feelings towards healing after Sam's death, why it feels so scary, and how the past two years have changed my perspective regarding the connection I continue to have with my son to this day. 

Thank you for stopping by.

After losing Sam, I often struggle with apathy in daily life.    The question is, how can I wake up each day excited and motivated to get the most out of life?    How can I use this motivation to jump out of bed and start my day?

The answer is, I can't.   My brain doesn't work that way.    What does register and send a chill down my spine, however,  is the idea of getting to the end of my life with the realization that I never fully lived again after Sam died.    A catastrophic two for one loss.   One overdose, two deaths, Sam's and mine.     A regret that would be too late for me to undo.    

In this brief episode, I discuss how I want to look back on myself, as a much older woman,  and why I think this can be an important part of our healing.