School of Schlock

Freddy vs Jason. Alien vs Predator. Abbott vs Costello. There's a long and storied tradition of horror movie monsters duking it out in the cinema and leaving a trail of victims in their wake. It should be a simple formula, but as Tom and Ryan discover, it can go wrong in 1000 different ways! What Hollywood icons had this as their final movie? Why are there three different plots happening? Where should you turn if Dracula is giving you directions? Find out all this and more in our review of Dracula vs. Frankenstein!

Time stamps:

0:04:50 - Background

0:33:30 - Film Summary

1:11:18 - The Good

1:13:55 - The Bad

1:24:11 - The Ugly

1:41:35 - Improvements

It's been a while since Tom and Ryan tried to watch a sexploitation film, and this movie is here to demonstrate why. Listen in as they discuss this moralizing relic and other topics of interest, such as high school productions of Guys 'n' Dolls, the demonization of sex work, and tombs (where people aren't alive). It's our review of The Wild and Wicked!

Time stamps:

0:02:26 - Background

0:15:10 - Film Summary

0:32:18 - The Good

0:36:35 - The Bad

0:46:00 - The Ugly

1:07:28 - Improvements

An icy tundra. A horrible monster. Paranoia and fraying relationships. No, it's not The Thing, no matter how much we wish it was! A giant beast is prowling the Swedish hills, and no one knows how to stop it. Tom and Ryan watch as the film wanders from genre to genre; in the meantime, they discuss American re-cuts, filming a twenty-foot-tall monster, fake Frank Sinatra, and the absence of John Carradine. It's our review of Terror in the Midnight Sun!

Time stamps:

0:03:50 - Background

0:19:25 - Film Summary

0:36:15 - The Good

0:47:35 - The Bad

0:57:30 - The Ugly

1:08:55 - Improvements

It's creepy and it's kooky, mysterious and...that's about it. It's our annual Halloween episode, and this time we watch a horror movie so impossibly bad, it's scary. A monster that looks like a rejected carpet store mascot has come to earth to consume humans! Who can stop this beast? Some soldiers? A man with a grenade? Tom and Ryan ask themselves these questions while reflecting on why this film deserves a place among the all-time worst movies ever made. It's...The Creeping Terror!

Time stamps:

0:04:10 - Background

0:23:55 - Film Summary

0:39:30 - The Good

0:44:25 - The Bad

0:58:52 - The Ugly

1:08:50 - Improvements

When there's a villain who needs to be stopped, which international super-spy do you call in to do the job? ...Ok, well what if he's busy? ...Ok, well, eventually, somewhere down the list, you'll find the name Charles Hood. Join Tom and Ryan as they watch Mr. Hood deal in pornography, sightsee in Portugal, and treat women like dirt! It's all in the name of stopping a hardened criminaland his flying confessional. It's our review of Hammerhead! Hammerheeeeaaad! Hammerheeeeeeeeaaaaaaad!

Time stamps:

0:03:30 - Background

0:30:53 - Film Summary

1:12:15 - The Good

1:17:44 - The Bad

1:28:35 - The Ugly

1:43:00 - Improvements

Part 2 of our 1984 action movie block absolutely sizzles with poor writing and a disjointed plot! What happens in a future where motorcycle gangs run rampant? The answer is: a whole lot and nothing at all! Join Tom and Ryan as they fly kamikaze model planes, read Insect Man #47, and determine how this movie compares to a grocery store cake. Stop jousting, take off those skull masks, and listen to our review of City Limits!

Time stamps:

0:03:56 - Background

0:25:58 - Film Summary

0:48:21 - The Good

0:54:57 - The Bad

1:06:45 - The Ugly

1:21:40 - Improvements

We've got another crappy 80's action film on our hands, and this one doles out the pain in a meandering, lackadaisical fashion. A flamethrower and a welding mask do not an exciting movie make. Listen in as Tom and Ryan discuss an arms race of atrocities, the differences between dump-trucks and trash trucks, and post-apocalyptic gangs in modern-day settings. Vigilante justice is here in the form of our review of Exterminator 2!

Time stamps:

0:02:40 - Background

0:30:12 - Film Summary

0:56:33 - The Good

1:04:52 - The Bad

1:13:18 - The Ugly

1:27:20 - Improvements

They're creepy, they're crawly, they want to suck your blood! No, not vampire-centipede hybrids...leeches! And they're all over this cheaply made swamp-stomping monster flick. Join Tom and Ryan as they investigate the right way to fish with dynamite, recoil at this movie's attitude toward women and the environment, and ultimately ask themselves what the heck makes for a movie becoming a "cult classic" anyway? Don't flip your canoe, it's our review of Attack of the Giant Leeches!

Time stamps:

0:04:35 - Background

0:22:13 - Film Summary

0:41:39 - The Good

0:46:36 - The Bad

0:58:40 - The Ugly

1:14:15 - Improvements

Yeehaw, partner! Saddle up for a plot-light horse opera that's focused on the central theme of every good Western: fighting Japanese spies in the Philippines! Join Tom and Ryan as they chat all about the industrious David Sharpe (again), the terror of ventriloquist dummies, and the right way to merge the Marvel Cinematic Universe into Remember the Titans. So bring yourself AND your pony over and give a listen to our review of Texas to Bataan!

Time stamps:

0:04:50 - Background

0:26:15 - Film Summary

0:55:10 - The Good

1:01:42 - The Bad

1:14:53 - The Ugly

1:30:15 - Improvements

By the gods, it's time to watch a film based on mythology! There are so many fascinating myths and intriguing characters that surely a film based on myth has to be interesting...or at least watchable, right? Well this week Tom and Ryan endure a film that puts the lie to that assumption, as they chat about sword-and-sandal epics, intense misogyny, and very Italian films stars like Gordon Mitchell. Put on a lizard costume and listen to our review of Vulcan, Son of Jupiter!

Time stamps:

0:04:25 - Background

0:22:26 - Film Summary

0:36:30 - The Good

0:44:48 - The Bad

0:56:16 - The Ugly

1:11:40 - Improvements